Shilo  2/19/99 We serve a BIG, a GREAT BIG GOD!!!! and when his people call on his name he answers their prayers. I am married to a pastor we have been married for 13 yrs, but he has only been a pastor for 1 yr. Our church is very small, I often fell like we are not touching peoples life's. But I want you to know we can Pray and God will answer. I have a sister who has 7 kids and I grew up in a family with 9 kids, my husbands family had 6. We know how crazy lots of kids can be!! I am going to pray for all the children in your home, I will be praying that God opens your husbans eyes, and that he opens up the talk lines between you and your husban so that you can both help each other deal with this. Im going to believe that the Lord will unite you and your husband as one together working for Gods will in your home and in all the kids life!! my husban and I will join together and pray for your family. Keep us up on what God is doing!!! Remember Our God is Big!!

Lynne  2/20/99 Dear Name Withheld:  Talk about a ministry that God has given you.... He has entrusted you with 8 precious children.  A few things came to my heart as I read your letter.  1)  It is very overwhelming to be a mom (the more children --- the more overwhelming) & also to be a pastor's wife,
but the GOOD NEWS is that God will never give us more that we can handle.... As long as we have HIS GRACE helping us and showing us the way....  2) I think it is VERY IMPORTANT for you not to speak or dwell on leaving your husband.  Every marriage takes work....  But I believe you and your husband have hearts that want to make this work and JESUS will undertake for you as you give JESUS your burdens and walk in obedience to HIM.  The easy way out is to leave, or quit.  It seems, at first, as if this is the only option, but I find that more heart damage is done to those involved when people quit trying.  Emotional scars can come that people never get over.  Do you feel comfortable in calling a family meeting?  No bashing.....  No criticism.... No hateful words.... No accusing..... Just call the family together and say.... "GOD HAS PUT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER!  GOD WILL HELP KEEP US TOGETHER!  It's not going to be easy, but HE IS GOING TO HELP US!  Your father & I aren't perfect, but one thing for sure.... WE LOVE EACH OF YOU CHILDREN!  WE ARE FOR YOU.  WE WANT WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!  We make mistakes sometimes.  Please be patient with us as we are patient with you."  Then, go around the room and have each one pray out loud for their family.  Call familymeetings often.  You and your husband must keep a UNITED front.... even if you have to air your differences privately. (Lovingly & never in anger blame)  My husband & I have 4 children. (20, 18, 12 &10)  There have been many times that we had to STOP everything and call a family meeting.  Hurt feelings, stubborn wills & other things would come into that meeting, but as we kept saying, "WE ARE FAMILY!  We LOVE EACH OTHER NO MATTER WHAT!" Love would always win out.  Marriage isn't easy.  Raising children isn't easy.  Being in the minstry isn't easy.  BUT WITH JESUS ---  HE CAN MAKE YOUR FAMILY ALL HE HAS APPOINTED IT TO BE!  I believe for your precious family!  I believe GOD has put you all together.  Don't give up.....  Look down the road aways and see all the precious lives those 8 children are going to touch.  It will be because you have been a godly mother to them...  You are the key, my dear friend. JESUS WILL HELP YOU.  YOU CAN COUNT ON HIM....  He deals so gently with those who have children to raise.  He is a patient Shepherd.   HANG IN THERE!  In a very few short years those children will rise up and call you BLESSED!  Love them much.....  Discipline with lots of love.....  May Jesus help you as you minister to the 8 lives He has given you to minister to.  I will keep you daily in my thoughts & prayers.

Name Withheld  2/22/99 Shilo and Lynne,  Thank you both very much for your encouraging words.  I could not imagine my life without my husband.  However, I have been thinking about leaving him.  I do not want to hurt him or the children so therefore, I stay.  I have tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn't see where I'm coming from.  He says he can't see the things that I am talking about.  I've prayed that God help me with this and help me to understand him and for him to understand me.  I do not know what else to do.  Also, I would have never pictured myself as a preacher's wife and it still "floors" some of my old friends when they hear that I've married a preacher.  However, it has made several memember of my family, very happy.  I just want fair treatment between the kids and that seems to be the biggest ordeal that I am facing.  He is very partial to his own two children and singles them out more than the rest.  It will be a long time until we have all kids grown and on their own, they range from 2 to 15 and my husband and I are in our early thirties.  I just pray that God helps me "keep it together" for the sake of my wonderful family and I pray that God gives my husband the insight to see what I see and if I'm wrong, then I pray that God will show me.  Thank you again for your words.  God Bless.

Yvette  2/25/99 Dear name withheld, You had mentioned that your husband had an intimidating personality.  My husband does also.  It is SOOO hard not to say anything sometimes.  But, I will say, that I think that having a strong personality can be a plus sometimes.  I have noticed that people do not run him over, and respect what he says.  He does not compromise on beliefs or the vision that the Lord has given him.  There are times when I think the Lord has told me that I need to speak up, but much of the time, I hold my tongue, pray, and WATCH the Holy Spirit speak to him.  These guys must be in the word and prayer, and I know that God will keep him on a short leash, so, even though I don't see him act the way I think he should, I do see change.  God is working on him.  I will pray for you.  I know how difficult that can be when they say and do things that are shockingly blunt and intimidating.  God has a way of humbling our husbands.  Better God than me.  On another note, does he have any accountability? Is he involved in a pastor's prayer group in your community?? or in fellowship with other pastors?  This has been a great help for me when my husband has been BLIND to his own actions, the Lord will use one of those men to speak to him without me saying anything.  It is so hard for us to see our own sin.  I will pray for you and your husband.

Dawn  3/2/99 I read your letter this morning and the responses also.  You have been given some very good advice from some godly ladies.  I would just add to stay on your knees about this issues.  Don't always "talk" to your hubby about them, "talk" to the Lord.  He can make things sooo much better sooo
much faster than we can!  I am learning to say less and let the Holy Spirit do His work in my husband. When we go to God with your hearts desires, He's able to do exceeding abundantly more than we could ever ask or image, according to the power that works within us!!!!  What a promise!!!  I would also suggest a wonderful book I've just found.  It's called THE POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE by Stormie Omaritan.  It is WONDERFUL!!!  I have always prayed for my husband, but this book is a wonderful tool to be more specific.  Some areas are his fears, his mind, his finances, his past, his future...etc.  I highly recommend this book to every wife.  It's approach is positive, we're not praying to get him changed to "our" way, but we pray to allow the Lord to change him into the man HE wants him to be!!!  I'll be praying for you as you stand firm in your marriage and when all else fails, stand firm some more!!  May God richly belss you for your standing!!!

sandy  12/20/99 I also have a very "direct" husband....although I don't have it all down perfect I have learned to keep my mouth shut!  Your advice is good...God does things better....and saves alot of arguments! I also have found that his direct approach to things is beneficial in difficult situations....also, the quieter I am, or the more yeilded I am the gentler he is and maybe by contrast he comes back and apologizes for his sharpness....so I'm still working on it but letting things go to the way of prayer and asking God to handle the situation has helped me live in a much more peaceful environment.  The Power of A Praying Wife is an excellent resource and The Excellent Wife by Martha Pease is tremendously helpful to help a wife along in areas she should pay attention to.  I have found that God wants each of us to look at our own work that needs to get done and he'll deal with each of us in turn....but I can talk things over with him...but I have sooooooo much work to do on my own heart i! ssues that I really shouldn't have much time left to work on my husbands....

Name Withheld  3/3/99 Yvette, yes, my husband is very intimidating and is great at winning an argument.  I am not that good with holding my tongue and I confront him about things that I want an answer to.  He immediately either gets mad because I’m questioning him or he tells me that I have no say in the matter and he does these things because it’s his decision.  For example, the other day he told our 5 year old that he couldn’t go play with the boy across the street (even though his 7 year old was already over there…this is one of the ones he favors).  I asked him why he couldn’t go over there and he said because the other two boys play together very well and they don’t need a little five-year-old tagging along.  I brought up the fact that our four, eight and nine year old girls play with the five year
old girl across the street, what was the difference?  You have a 9 year old playing with a 5 year old, why couldn’t you have the five year old boy play with a 7 and 8 year old boy?  He immediately got irate with me and told me that he was tired of me questioning him on every little decision he makes.  I told him that I didn’t think that I did that and that if I do, it is because the next time one of the kids ask me for something or if they can go across the street, I will know why to say, “no”.  I didn’t think there was anything wrong with him going, but apparently my husband did.  He also is very inconsistent in punishing the kids.  He’ll punish them one day for not going to bed on time or for playing when they are supposed to be going to sleep, but the next night, they get by with it all.  I try to be consistent but when I say
something to the kids, he says, “what’s it going to hurt for them to talk a little while they are in bed.”  This is totally contradicting what he got onto them for a few nights earlier.  I can’t seem to win.  When I brought it up, he says that as soon as I learn more about the kids, I will be able to punish them and I will be able to know the right way.  And he says that as soon as I’m used to having kids, I will learn this … .Well, HELLO!!!  I have two kids of my very own and who makes him the authority on children?  Isn’t parenting a TEAM thing between parents?  I sure think so but I can’t tell him that.  I told him that if I could not be treated as his equal, then I wanted out!  That’s the last thing I want, but at that moment, those words just fell out of my mouth.   And to answer your question, NO, he is not involved in any prayer group or anything like that.  As a matter of fact, I told him just recently that we don’t live the life of a Christian family even though we go to church.  I figured being married to a preacher; I would definitely be living a good Christian life.  I ask him questions about the Bible, but we do not have studies together and he’s never prayed with me.  However, I can’t blame that on him completely, I’ve never asked him to.  But, I am not used to living a Christian life like he is.  What should I do about all of this?  I know that I can’t get all of my answers here, I know the Lord will give me my answers, I just have to learn to be patient.  I’m not doing too well of a job right now and I’m on the verge of leaving!  HELP!  Thank you so much for your prayers so far.  I really appreciate the support.  I am continuing my prayers for all of you as well as myself.  Dawn, thank you so much for your encouragement also.  I will look for that book the next time I’m at the bookstore!

Yvette  4/4/99 I am praying for you, that the Lord would unify you and your husband, and that He would give you wisdom.  I know that our husbands are the head of the home, but I know too that if a part of the
body (US) is hurting, the head needs to know. . . A wise piece of advice I was given recently, is speak to him as if he were a king, (We are commanded to respect our husbands, which I have a real struggle with at times), and put away anger before approaching him.  If  you think he will become angry, be prepared ahead of time, pray to be spirit controlled, and decide how you will respond.  Making that decision before things become heated has helped me to feel that things are not so "out of control" and prevents things from escalating too far.  I know that your daily life is a struggle . . .  I will continue to pray for you.

Name Withheld  3/8/99 I just recently found out that my husband borrowed $1000 from a very close friend of his.  This lady was a member of the church he preached at before he met me.  He's apparently been paying her back $100 at a time and he never told me about it.  As a matter of fact, he still doesn't know that I know.  I don't mind the fact that he borrowed when he needed it, but the fact that he doesn't tell me that he's paying $100 a month out of our earnings is what bothers me.  I don't know if he feels that it is none of my business or what.  I don't know if I should say something to him or not.  We need all the money we make, we have a large family to support (10 total).  We are not hurting, but the fact that he has to send $100 a month to this girl and doesn't even tell me, really hurts my feelings and makes me think that he doesn't trust me with these matters.  I'm not really sure what to do at this point.  I'm afraid that if I bring it up, he'll just say that it's no big deal and that he borrowed the money before I was even in the picture and that it is really none of my business.  However, I strongly disagree with that.  I
work full time, until we find a church (he is currently interviewing) while he stays at home with the 3 kids that are not in school.   So, I feel that when he pays back this money, he's repaying out of OUR income, not HIS. What should I do?

Debby  3/11/99 I just read your entry of 3/8/99. My advice to you would be to be careful not make more of this loan then it may have been.  Your husband borrowed the money before you and he may just veiw it as his responsibilty not yours as a couple. Right or wrong, guys seem to be very black and white that way. I'm sure that having you be the main support for the family is difficult for him and knowing there is this debt of his coming out of your income isn't easy either.  I would hope you could talk to him about this but not until you pray that our loving father will give you His spirit of love in this matter. Then the two of you can work at getting this past debt out of your lives as a team and maybe you won't resent it as much. I'm praying that this will bring the two of you even closer together as a team.

Lynne  3/11/99 As I have read back over your letters, my heart sincerely reaches out to you.  There are a few areas that I think would be of great help to you.   1)  Can you find it in your heart to forgive your husband?  Can you let go of "hurt feelings?"  Whether justifiable or not! I know it is hard, but with JESUS -- it is possible!  I feel you must "begin again" in your marriage.  You may have to sit down and both ask for forgiveness for  unkind words that have been spoken, certain things that have been done, Let go of who's right & who's wrong,  etc.... If you both don't begin again, and forgive from your hearts, the road you are going down will only cause more pain & more suffering for you, your husband, and these precious children.   2) Sometimes ----  life isn't fair. We must believe (from the bottom of our hearts)  that nothing comes our way (If we belong to JESUS)   without God allowing it.  Can you look at your situation like that?  As you look in the eyes of these precious lives JESUS has chosen to let you mentor...... Can you "BEGIN AGAIN?"  3)  Can you lay down your husband's faults & weaknesses at JESUS' feet.  Knowing that, as we look in the mirror, we, too, are flawed.  4)  Can you commit yourself to this marriage & to these children afresh?  Begin anew with fresh determination to make this home what JESUS has called it to be!  I know I have spoken quite frankly about your situation.  I do feel, however, that you are at a crossroads!  If you take the wrong path, if doesn't just affect you or your husband, but those lives JESUS has placed in your hands.  May God help you in the days ahead!  Lord, we need homes that are filled with JESUS! Homes, where the husband loves his wife! The family that prays together is the family that stays together. Give us homes that are filled with JESUS!

High Calling  3/12/99 I have been thinking of your last entry for some time now, pondering how to answer.  There is so much in your posts and it is difficult to respond through mail as opposed to face to face and dialogue.  I have had similar attitudes and feelings at times but for very different reasons, but what was required was change in my heart.  I sense that here, too.  I sense that even though you say "our money"  you mean your money.  It seems from the outside perfectly justifiable, but that is looking at your circumstances with the eye of man and not the eye of God.  We are never responsible for another or their sin or wrongful behavior or attitudes, BUT we are responsible for OUR attitudes, sin and wrong
behavior.  We know from God's Word that we are to LOVE our husbands, we are to HONOR and RESPECT them and be SUBMISSIVE to them AS UNTO THE LORD.  That is the KEY.  Our relationship to the LORD and our obedience to him.  My heart wants to cry out that it is not fair or he is not deserving, he is not treating me or the family as he should, etc., etc. BUT I do believe that our expectations in this area can become an idol to us.  I also believe we can, through God's Grace and by
His transforming power in our lives as Christian women, do the right thing and fulfill our God-given role REGARDLESS of whether our husband fulfills his role or not.  I do not say this is easy, but that it is right.  I think at this point, with the tension apparent in your relationship with your husband, bringing to mind his weak areas or his sin will not be able to be done in or received in a spirit of love.  You can , however, as you respond to him with kindness, patience, acceptance, love and support bring about
more change (there is no guarentee that this will happen though).  You also have the wonderful opportunity to set a tone of joy and thankfulness in the LORD in your home.  Even in the most trying and difficult circumstances, you are able to show love to your husband because God's grace and mercy are sufficient.  God is able to supernaturally give you power to love your husband and show it.  Honor and obey God by thinking loving thoughts rather than tallying all the ways he has wronged you or the children.  Then do loving actions.  This may require you to go directly against your feelings and make a choice to love.  This also may involve confession to your husband for the wrong you have done towards him in your reactions.  As I write I am also taking heed.  I leave you with these two thoughts...1)Make your marriage a matter of prayer, faithfully asking God to make your marriage one that glorifies HIM.
2)Take responsibilty for your own failures and confess and repent.  This may involve asking God to reveal to you these things.  And above all...DO NOT LOSE HEART!  GOD CAN MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE BEAUTIFUL AND A DELIGHT!

Karen  3/18/99 I hope you are still checking updates on your letters.  I just read them and my heart goes out to you.  I will pray for you.  It is difficult to start a marriage on the ground flor eithout the added stress of being in the ministry and having children, let alone eight!! Have you ever heard of Life action ministries?  They are a ministry committed to revival in America.  I cannot begin to tell you how much this ministry has blessed my marriage and our family.  They can help you.  This ministry is anointed.  They have set aside special funds and times even for helping hurting Pastor's, Pastor's wives, and families.  They are caring and compassionate representatives of Christ.  I strongly reccomend that you
find them.  They have a website, just look up Life Action Ministries on the internet.  Their headquarters are in Michigan.  We attended a retreat just for Pastor's and their wives in January with this ministry.  They are holding 3 more in different parts of the country this year.  Perhaps they are even having a revival in or close to your hometown soon that you and your husband could attend.  This ministry has helped many families like yours. I hope you will try and contact them.

Lee  2/23/99 I don't have much to say, only being a pastor's wife a short little while, but something that always helps me when times are tough and I have prayed and prayed and prayed is this little saying. . . .which you may have heard....."It takes a weak person to follow the world AND...it takes a
STRONG person to follow the LORD!"  I encourage you to BE STRONG and just know that the others are weak.  They are following the ways of the world, you are not.  God WILL REWARD you for following him.  Don't let any of their ugly words or notes get too you!  Satan wants most of all to DISCOURAGE YOU!  Do NOT let Satan win!  Keep strong and know that prayers are going up for YOU!

Lynne  2/24/99 35 years!  WOW!  You are a seasoned saint!  I don't have any advice!  I just want you to know that in a little village in IOWA, prayers are going up for you and your situation.  May you "endure hardness" as a good soldier.  I know the days can be FIERCE at times!  May you be honored for your many years of service to the KING OF KINGS!  And may the prayer of our hearts always be, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!"  Thank you for giving to the Lord.  Because of your ministry --- lives have been changed.  KEEP THE "SON" IN YOUR EYES!

High Calling  2/26/99 Lynne...I have begun to look for your responses to these women and their situations because I know I too will receive a nugget of truth, a wise application of the WORD or an encouragement that is not based on flattery.  The SON in your eyes and heart shines through to many.  Your church family must be so blessed to have you!  Thank you, you encourage us to draw near to the Savior for He alone can guide and comfort and nourish.  Bless you dear sister!

Debby  2/24/99 My heart is heavy for you as I read you letter. To have invested 23yrs in this group and feel as if they are now turning on you has to be very hard. Please remember that this is probably a very few that are voicing their views and that the church in whole are still the loving family you know. Don't let these few make you believe it is the majority.  It is good to hear that you are spending time with our Lord on this matter, but maybe it is time to let God's people minister to you also. Spend time with people in your church you know are supportive and love you. It will remind you that these vocal few aren't everyone. Believe the encouragement you receive and put no weight to complaints that are not signed. If it is
important enough to worry about the person should identify themselves.  Sometimes Satan only has to place a small doubt in our minds and we do the rest of the job of growing it to devastating size. At least I know I can if I'm not careful. Know you have my prayers during this time.  Your ministry must being effective or Satan wouldn't bother to attack it.

Yvette  2/25/99 K, I have little to say, except that I will pray for you, that your daughter's wedding would be the most wonderful, blessed event, and that those who are causing problems would be "blessed subtractions", or would repent and ask your forgiveness quickly.  Praying also that those who are behind you would support you and minister to you during this time.  I also have to say thanks to you, you are an inspiration to us young pastor's wives.  Thanks for your faithfulness in the ministry all these years.  I'm
sure your ministry has born much fruit.  Your reward will be great!!

Pat  2/25/99 I think every pastor and his wife will at some point, be opposed by "a little group" as you mentioned.  They can make life pretty miserable in church.  It is not surprising that they strike when all is well.  What better time for our adversary to attack than at the point when we are experiencing great victory and joy?  My comforting scripture when these attacks have come is "when the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him."  Furthermore, He says that "if God be for us, WHO can stand against us?"  This little group is in for a rude awakening my sister.  It seems that God is FOR you and your husband and the church has experienced great growth and blessing underyour leadership.  There is no way God is going to contradict his Word and allow the enemy to destroy what He has blessed.  I thank God you are praying and I trust you will continue.  Obviously, there are many more that support you than oppose you.  Your good works and integrity will speak for itself.  This battle is not yours my sister, it is the Lord's!  Let him put the enemy to flight.  After 23 years, He may just be doing a little pruning and exposing some weeds!  Surely, if I were God, I would have at least waited until your daughter got married before I started weed-wacking, but then God rarely does things theway we would or at the time we would.  I'm certainly no authority on what you're going through (believe me, I've got my own problems to deal with), but I just felt compelled to respond to you. This too shall pass.  Keep smiling K (even when it hurts).  Don't let them know they're bothering you.  The Bible says treating them with kindness will "heap coals of fire on their heads".  Hey, be nice to them and watch them squirm and burn (sorry, I got carried away!)  Oh, and I hope your son keeps driving his old truck.
This little group has no right to dictate what he should drive.  If they feel that strongly about it, I'm surprised they haven't put their money where their mouth is and bought him a brand new car!  Talk is cheap.  I sure hope this helps some.  Keep in touch.

Lynne  2/26/99 Dearest Sister Cee,  I was very touched by your letter.  It reminded me of a little poem that goes like this "IT TAKES MORE GRACE THAN I CAN TELL TO PLAY THE 2ND FIDDLE WELL!"  You are in a very difficult place, but your servant's heart shines through.  JESUS IS FAITHFUL & will do wonderful, priceless miracles in your heart that will last throughout all eternity.  A couple of things come to my heart about your situation 1) HUMILITY -- stay low at Jesus' feet..... No matter what others say or
do.....  Keep your heart right .... no matter what....  God keeps good records.... You may be like Joseph .... feeling like you are trapped in a prison in your present situation, but if you will promptly & lovingly obey your KING.....  He will lift you up out of that prison in due time.  LET US NOT GROW WEARY IN WELL-DOING WE SHALL REAP IF WE FAINT NOT!  Let us not grow weary in the work of love!  2) LOVE MUCH!  Read 1 Cor. 13 and pray over ever little definition of love......  (I could tell by your letter that JESUS has called you to be a vessel of LOVE & HUMILITY)  Love is patient.....   Love is kind......  Love is longsuffering.....  Never rejoices over GETTING EVEN!  Just take the Word of GOD and let it help you as you have to deal with difficult people..... Let His Word & your obedience work in these very difficult situations.  The carnal FLESH is STRONG, but HIS SPIRIT can conquer this wicked flesh that causes the Kingdom of God so many problems.  Don't be surprised if you won't find a new church for a while.....  JESUS may want to use you and your husband to bring about some INNER miracles in that body.....  Position means nothing to JESUS.....  The size of the work means nothing to HIM.... What is important to HIM is the love for Him in which we do the work..... LITTLE IS MUCH WHEN GOD IS IN IT.   Man's ways are not God's ways....  You have a special touch of God on your life, my dear sister.....  Keep looking up!   JESUS sees your servant's heart.....  He is molding you and making you into a vessel of honor for HIMSELF.   KEEP YOUR EYES UPON JESUS!  I look forward to meeting you some day whether in this life or the life to come.....  MAY GOD RICHLY BLESS YOU as you walk in obedience!

Yvette  2/28/99 I remember that predicament so well, it still stings to think about it.  Before my husband was a senior pastor, he was an elder, or associate.  The pastor's wife and I had a very strained relationship, and still do at times.  I will shoot straight with you, and hope I do not offend, but lovingly, I wish someone had told me these things. . . First, ask the Lord to give you compassion for her.  Pray for her that she could "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ" ( I Peter 3:18 or so.)  She may be struggling with her own plate full of feelings at being a pastor's wife.   Also pray for unity of the body, for likemindedness (Ephesians).  Also, be careful of your own heart.  I allowed this relationship to CONSUME me at one time.  I took my eyes off of the work the Lord had given me to do, and His call to "Be holy as I am holy",  and placed them on her.  If you must confront, do it bibically, one on one,
involving no one else, in love, after much prayer, for the good of your relationship, and the unity of the body, with no anger or bitterness..  Sometimes, if we simply ask a believer to "take this before the throne", lovingly, it is amazing the walls that will come down, and the work the Lord will do. Also, listen to what she has to say to you, and be open to admitting your own faults also. There is a grain of truth in almost all criticism.  Give the Lord time to work.  Sometimes hearts are defensive at first, until the Holy Spirit is given time to soften us.     If you feel you must leave, do it quietly, guard your tongue (a mistake I made--"the tongue is a fire"  "who can tame it?"  only the Lord)  and make sure it is the Lord's will, not because of a relationship that has gone sour, or the work of Satan.  Does my story have a happy ending??  Yes, and no.  That friendship is still in process, and the Lord has used her to "sharpen me",  as iron sharpens iron.  There are times that the Lord still has to gently remind me when He is not pleased with my behavior in that relationship.   I can truly say, however, that we love each other as sisters in the body of Christ, and I learn from both her strengths AND her weaknesses.  Even though she is not the ideal pastor's wife, the Lord has blessed their church and women's ministry IN SPITE of all her failings, which is a tremendous encouragement to me, now a pastor's wife.  In her weekness, HE is strong.  I hope I haven't come on too strong.  I know in my own life, these things are easier said than done.  I also know that anything that is truly valuable (a relationship, a marriage) has a cost of work, time, dying to self, etc.  Praying the Lord will give you His wisdom, longsuffering, that you may be an encouragement, a blessing, and an example in your fellowship.

Cee  3/2/99 Thank -you so much for the message of encouragement . It is funny that when you think that you have problems , you do not realize that the devil is at work all the time. I was so concerned with forces within the church that I did not see the forces of evil outside of the church. My family has been hit with a even harder cross to bear. My husband lost his job and now we are trying to pick up the pieces. I am not quite sure what we will learn from this, and not quite sure where we go from here, I just know that right now my world has been turned upside down and I feel as if it will never get better. I know from experience that this is not true but it may be awhile before I feel anything. Please keep my family in your prayers, and pray that Gods shows my husband and I the path that we should take next.

Yvette  4/4/99 So sorry to hear that your husband lost his job.  I will pray for your family, that God would meet all your needs, physical, spiritual, emotional, and that He would be your shelter (ps. 91), your
hiding place, your rock, your deliverer, your Jehovah Jireh, and your strong tower. May your trial be short.

GEH  3/1/99 I AM WRITING YOU BECAUSE I CAN RELATE TO YOUR SITUATION.  I AM A PW AT A
SMALL CHURCH MOST OF THE MEMBERS ARE OLDER, I AM THIRYY-FIVE AND I HAVE TWO  SMALL CHILDREN.  TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE I AM AWAY FROM MY FAMILY ALSO.  THE
CHURCH HAS BEEN A BLESSING TO ME THE OLDER LADIES HELP ME WITH THE CHILDREN
ON SUNDAYS AND OFFER ALLOT OF ADVICE IN TERMS OF THE CHILDREN.  I WAS USED
TO A YOUNGER CHURCH BUT THAT IS WHERE MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN PLACED.  THERE HAS BEEN YOUNGER PEOPLE JOIN BUT STILL NOT A LOT THAT ARE OUR AGE.  CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR GOD'S WILL AND MAYBE THE LORD WILL BLESS YOU WITH YOUNGER MEMBERS. REMEMBER WITH AGE COMES A LOT OF WISDOM THAT CAN BE A BLESSING.

High Calling  3/1/99 You have been a living example of sacrificial love.  You have given up the freedom of being just a congregation member and the ease of loving others because you didn't know so much of what the people in leadership know.  These are items that should not be known by all, but are a burden to those who carry them.  You now  understand why decisions are sometimes made or a direction taken when all the others don't understand are opposed because they do not have full information. You have sacrificed the freedom of loving others easily and now you love them out of choice.  You know first hand what it means when Christ commands us to love the brethern and why it is an act of obedience.  What love your pastor's wife has experienced as you have stood by her in prayer and in friendship for 5 years!  And you have indeed had on the job training...to keep confidences, to love people who are causing trouble, and to be faithful and loyal.  May God give you such a friend to bless you when you and your husband embark on the adventure of ministering to God's people in the pastorate.

This is an update, even before my original made it up!  My husband called from work and could tell something was wrong.  So I told him.  He finally admitted to me that he is addicted to pornography and wants help to change.  (Which is something he's never said before)  I feel that we are finally at a starting point.  He asked if I could help him take control.  I told him that I'd find whatever resources I could and we could do a lot of praying together.  I pray that a healing is taking place.  I would still like any and all suggestions you have to offer and I beg each of you to pray for us. This is going to be very hard, but as long as we keep God first, I know it can be done.  Thank you for being such a strong support!

Lynne  2/27/99 We will be holding you up before our gracious Heavenly Father, who is rich in mercy & is abundantly able to bring us completly out of darkness into HIS marvelous light.  If we confess our sin, He is able to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.   When I think of how JESUS took Saul of Tarsus, a persecutor of the Church, and made him the apostle Paul.......  I know HE can change any heart.  He can forgive any sin....  He can make us into what HE wants us to be.....   We will all be praying for a personal victory for your dear husband.  May JESUS lead you to the right books and right people.  It looks like a good start... Now, we will trust and believe for a wonderful finish.  There's a gospel song that says: Life is easy when your up on the mountain, and you've got peace of mind like you've never known, But then things change, and you're down in the valley, Don't lose faith for you're never alone.  FOR THE GOD ON THE MOUNTAIN, IS STILL GOD IN THE VALLEY When things go wrong,  He'll make them right! AND THE GOD OF THE GOOD TIMES IS STILL GOD IN THE BAD TIMES The God of the day is still God of the night.  We talk of faith when we're up on the mountain, but talk comes easy when life's at it's best.  But in the valley of trials & temptations, that's where our faith is really put to the test!  May you find JESUS in every situation.  HE WILL TAKE YOU THROUGH TO
VICTORY!

Dawn  2/28/99 I read your letter to the board and could feel your pain and discouragement.  I am so thankful for your update at the end, it shows how quickly God answers our prayers! !!  Another  suggestion for your hubby would be to confess his addiction to another man, and ask that man to be his accountable partner.  My husband was an accountable partner for a man with the same addiction, and he called him every day or so and asked him a few questions and prayed with him over the phone for strength from the Lord.  Perhaps this would help your hubby keep his commitment.  In James, it tells us that when we confess our sins to the Lord, we are forgiven, and that when we confess them to one another, we are healed!!  Praise the Lord for His healing.  When you suggest this to your husband, pray about who the Lord would have him confess to.  As a Pastor, I know it feels dangerous to make these types of confessions, but the Lord WILL honor our pure heart motives and protect your husband!!!  I'll keep you in my prayers and hope you'll post an update on how beautiful the Lord works things out!!!
Remember, when we reveal the darkness to the light, the darkness has to flee!!!  Praise The Lord!!

Chris  3/1/99 I just wept with you as I read your letter. My husband also has a problem with pornography. He has found two accountability partners and this seems to be helping. As we are working through this problem we are discovering that this not an uncommon problem. There are some internet sites that he can go to that deal with this area. Just do a search and see what you find.  You'll be amazed. We are currently reading a book entitled When Good Men are Tempted by Bill Perkins. It is an amazing book and is not only helping my husband, but it is helping me as well. I will be praying for you!!
This problem can be overcome!!

Discouraged  3/2/99 Chris, what key words should I search if I do one on the internet?  I was afraid to do a search for fear of what might come up!  I did find a few good articles on the Promise Keepers web page.  Thanks for the book title...I will see if I can find that one.  Thank you so much for your support and prayers...everyone!  We do so appreciate it!  We are already coming closer together and to God also.  Praise the Lord!

Chris  4/4/99 Unfortunately the search to find the pornography help groups also turns up some nasty sites. If you do it yourself you can filter out the xxx stuff for your husband. I just typed in pornography and our search engine brings up the good stuff first. If you go to any Christian site and search they are sure to pull up some good stuff. The more we try to overcome this struggle the more we are realizing that this is a huge problem with many men. A good site is Crosswalk.com, they have a lot of neat links. Another book that I haven't bought yet, but hear is good is called "an Affair of the Mind"; it is written by Laurie Hall. It is written for women. If you are like me this is hurting you very much. It took me a year before I even realized just how much this had hurt. My stomach still tenses up when ever my husband is on the computer late at night. I'm praying that God will remove the hurt and distrust and replace it with a stronger marriage.  God bless you!!!

Discouraged  3/5/99 Chris, thank you so much for the info.  I am glad to hear of a fellow sister in this predicament.  I completely relate to the stomach tensing when your husband is on the computer.  I get nauseated every time he is online!  I will pray for you as I pray for us.  Thank you so much for your support.  I would love for you to email me privately if you are interested in a more in-depth conversation.

Yvette  3/6/99 Cindi, in answer to your question about being overwhelmed, the answer is YES YES YES, one thousand times YES.  There are few times that I feel that I have it "together", and when I do feel that way, it turns out that I just THOUGHT I had it together.  Things were really falling apart, I just didn't know about it. God's grace is such an awesome concept.  I am really surprised that He chooses to use me at all. . . You have a great attitude.  It is so much easier to be teachable when we feel the task is beyond our own abilities.  Because we are constantly stretched, we are forced to grow, to trust in Him, to learn, study His word, and stay on our knees.  I will say, that I am learning and it has gotten somewhat easier, not because of my own abilities, but because I have a Master teacher.  He will teach you, show you what His calling is for your life. Make God's word and your relationship with Him your number 1 priority.   I encourage you, learn all you can from other godly pastor's wives (there is a goldmine of wisdom in older women who have ministered faithfully).  Be sure to nurture your own relationship with the Lord, and He will show you His will.  How can we pray for you more specifically??  There is such potential for God in one who simply says, "Here am I, send me."

Lynne  3/6/99 I, too, am learning about balance in my life & ministry.  My husband has been the present pastor of rural church (Which we pioneered) for 17 years.  Around 11 years ago we felt led to start a
Christian school.  We have 4 children ---- 20,18,12 & 10!  Our 20-year-old is in college 3 hours away.  Our 18-year-old is a senior in high school! Anyway........  IT IS CRAZY at times to say the least.  I began to feel constantly fatigued, and couldn't bounce back.  I began to examine my life and I came across a little teaching about being "stretched."  It hit me right between the eyes.  I am now in the process of becoming balanced.  It isn't easy!  My nature is a "fixer."  I am learning to "delegate."  I felt like I was on a ship and it was sinking.....  To save the ship from sinking....  I had to throw cargo overboard.   I have been in prayer and really a deep soul searching to see what duties JESUS is actually calling me to, or what duties I have placed on myself.  It is a real "growing" time for me.  I will keep you in my prayers.....  You pray for me,too.  I don't think we are alone in this.  I have visited with other pastor's wives and I hear the same feelings expressed.  In fact, I read somewhere that pastor's wives #1 complaint is a feeling of being overwhelmed & depression follows.   So, hold on, my new friend, and ask the Good Shepherd what you can throw overboard.   He is such a GOOD SHEPHERD.  He takes extra-good care of His sheep.  He will show you and give you strength to  do what HE has called you to do.   And may HE help you "LET GO" of what HE has not called you to do.

Cindi  3/10/99 Thank you so much for responding to me! I just feel like the lone ranger alot of times. I can't share with other people in the church like I would like to (do you understand that?) I miss the Thursday morning ladies Bible Study because I work. (out of the loop) There isn't one for Working womenyet and my plate is already full. (avoiding burnout) My prayer is for peace, focus, softness of heart, continued compassion, and I want to fulfill why I was created because I know that when I fiqure that out I will be in his perfect will in order to bring him all the glory. I truely want to be an extention of who he is. I love him so much and feel so unworthy...

Lynne  3/11/99 TO LIVE ABOVE WITH THOSE WE LOVE --- OH THAT WILL BE GLORY, but TO LIVE BELOW WITH THOSE WE KNOW --- THAT'S A DIFFERENT STORY!  I certainly feel for you in your present dilemma.  One thing I think I would carefully consider is gently talking with your friend and letting her know that your friendship means much more that POSITION.  It is very difficult for those who are placed under the pastor to have to play the 2nd fiddle. (It takes more grace than I can tell to play the 2nd fiddle well) Sometimes, they need a little support from us....  that we are behind them and appreciate the job they are doing.  It seems we have to address the times we are not pleased with something so to balance this out we really need to support them.  It is true that most people do wear their feelings on their sleeve.  I guess it's also true that we are all sensitive about something.  So... we must not grow weary in the work of love.  And we must be filled with the humility of JESUS.   LOVE & HUMILITY --- the key to a successful church, marriage, & friendship!  And all men knew that they were HIS disciples because they had LOVE one for another.

Brenn  3/12/99 My husband is not currently an associate pastor. We were however in thatposition for 9 years. What exactly is it that you need some guidance with?I'd love to chat with you more about that.

High Calling  3/14/99 In my role as pastor's wife I have been both an assistant pastor's wife two times and now the only pastor's wife at our church.  Probably most of the women here have been first in your shoes before their husband took on a Senior Pastor or Pastor/Teacher role.  Things I wish I had known before was: 1) Do not have expectations of the Senior Pastor's wife.  For example I had hoped she would introduce me around and help me get adjusted to the church when we first arrived in the area.  The Lord had neither gifted her in this way or laid it upon her heart to do this.  This was not something that she failed at, just not her calling.  SO when we had others move to our area to join our staff I had the luncheon to help her get acquainted with the women that were most involved.  This was something I would have liked and so I did it for those new ones.  It doesn't have to be led by the Senior Pastor's wife.  2) Do not compare yourself to the other pastor's wives.  Be what God has called you to be with your unique giftedness and personality!  3) Do not expect her to be your friend, but if she is rejoice in that gift. 4)  Be YOUR husband's wife and let him lead and guide you in the way he would like you to be involved in his ministries.  I found when my husband was the associate pastor often his ministries were ones that I could be more involved in than when his main responsibility has been preaching and teaching.  I must say that I have found memories of the two churches we were at in the role of Associate.  In fact, sometimes it is a bit easier because you are not as much in the fishbowl and the congregation have less expectations of you.  Enjoy this position and love the people God has put in your life!

GEH  3/17/99 I know how you feel my husband Pastors and works full-time.  He is always busy also what I have found helpful is to found yourself a ministry to get involved in.  I have two small children my
family lives 200 miles away.  So I like to sing and I have gotten involved in Choirs in the community.  I also am teaching sunday school so that has allowed me to study more.  You have to find something of interest to you.  We can't wait on our husbands because the are just going to be busy with ministry.  Also pray for friendships in the ministry to devolop other woman going through the same thing.  I will remember you in my prayers and remember me also.

Karen  3/18/99 I would love to correspond with you via e-mail.  I am currently the wife of an ordained minister answering God's call to be in itenerant ministry.  Right now, he serves as an associate Pastor of a church in transition.  However, I married him when I was only 20, and was thrown into a role that has had more challenges than I was ready for.  Your experiences of being a PK certainly have shed light on the difficult life of ministry.  All to often , the ones we love are on teh firing line when their only crime has
been to boldly preach the gospel in truth and in love.  But God's grace is sufficient.  That is not  a "feel better' statement, but a promise we as pastor's wives can claim, and He will see us through every detail of our lives if we surrender them to Him fully as Lord.  At 22, we had our first child and my husband was working full time and in college.  Our son became my life.  Our marriage almost withered.  God in his great and abundant mercy has gently led us to repentence, and given to us a love that glorifies him. Ministry life is both exciting and hard, as you well know.  But if that is where God wants you to be,  you'll be miserably anywhere else.

Kaye  3/19/99 I know what you mean about the loneliness you experience when your husband is going through school--my husband is only about halfway done with his Master's, and there are times when I think it will never end!  I also appreciate your concern about being looked on as "too young".  Although I
am 33, the majority of our church members are in retirement age, and they still view us as still wet behind the ears--very frustrating.  I will pray for you--my advice regarding how to take time for each other...it is very important to realize that you were called to be spouses to each other before you were called into the ministry. Your ability to serve effectively is proportional to the strength of your relationship.  Therefore, you must schedule regular dates and family time regularly, without guilt!  Even if
you don't go anywhere, turn the phone off for a few hours and talk to each other (make a Herculean effort not to discuss the church).  There are many inexpensive date ideas on the net--check out any of the frugal living websites for more info.  Best wishes to you!

Yvette  3/20/99 One thing that has helped my husband and I to spend quality time together is to take 45 minute walks once or twice a week.  This gives us a much needed stress reliever, gets us out of the
house and away from the phone and TV, is not a huge chunk of time, and is absolutely free.  Although we only allocate 45 minutes, many times they last much longer, as we talk and spend time together.  Sometimes our children come along, sometimes it is just our time.  A great springtime activity!!  Another thing I have found as a pastor's wife, is that I need to look at his calendar, and ask him to schedule me in too.  I try to be considerate of his time, but let him know that I need  a portion of his time and attention too.  When we have a definite date time (with flexibility as needed), it makes it more of a priority for the both of us. Praying for you. . .

sandy  12/20/99 I will be praying for you...I'm so sorry you feel so alone.  Have you read the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omardian?  It would be a good tool for you and help you keep your focus off your problems (not to be flip...cuz I know it hurts) and know that you are praying effectively for
your husband....If God has called him to ministry he will also speak to his heart about the calling of his ministry at home...it all goes together.  He must be in obedience to the Lord for ALL the areas in his life....as well as you...Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not to your understanding....you sound so weary...I will hold you up to the Lord this week...and expect to see results according to His word...

High Calling  3/22/99 From your letter and previous posts it seems as though your world is caving in.  Your struggle with feeling like your husband is married to the ministry or at least it is his mistress is not uncommon.  That surely doesn't comfort you at this time.  I have felt often like you.  My husband in this present ministry has been working 7 days a week with rarely staying out of his office even on holidays.  Idon't say that to join you in feeling badly, but to say I have learned a little in how to deal with it.  I still sometimes get down when it continues as I have hopes that maybe this week  we wiill have a day off
together.  But telling him how I felt badly about his choices didn't do anything but make it worse or even make those few moments more miserable for him.  I have found that prayer has been my strength and not talking to him about it , just talking to the Father.  As I have made a choice not to rehearse over and over my veiw of his apparent neglect and instead be glad that he is home when the opportunity presents itself has enabled us to have a better relationship and contiunue to have intimacy in marriage.  When I complained it drove him in his heart away.  Unfortuneately you cannot remove consequences from their life from the choices they make especially when it comes to the children and their relationship to their Dad, but you can help bridge the gap and communicate that you are on his team.  Try asking if there is something that you could do for him that would free him up to have a bit more time available (but don't tell him how to use that time).  I do believe that as we honor and love our husbands with deliberate actions apart form our feelings it will draw our husbands to our side because they will feel safe and admired. Don't let his only admiration come from those outside.  I will pray for you as I pray for myself in this area, that God would use this disappointment to conform us to the image of Christ before our husbands, before our children and before the watching world (the church body is unfortunately watching you).  God will honor us as we trust HIM for the results and not try to bring them about ourselves.  But, at the same time realize I know, as do so many others that visit this site, the pain of the loneliness you feel.  Give it as a sacrifice to the Lord at the foot of the cross.  May God give you some JOY this day!  God loves YOU with an everlasting love and underneath are the everlasting arms.

sandy  12/20/99 Thank you for your lovely response to the poor young woman who was struggling with loneliness due to an overcommitted husband.  What I'm learning as a Pastor's Wife on these boards is how to respond to those that hurt adn struggle.  You didn't help her feel sorry for herself, but you gave her a warm heart and understanding, you were open about your own struggles, you provided a solution and you encouraged her in the Word....Thank you for helping me....I seem to have made a mess of things
these past few months...I'm the village leper....hoping to be healed and let back into the camp.  Thanks for training me....I love these boards because I feel that I can be open and that other women understand...and you can say things that just can't really be shared with most folks in the body you minister in.  It's a breath of fresh air!  Thanks again for your input!

High Calling  3/24/99 How are you doing?  Has there been any glimmers of JOY these days.  You continue to be in our prayers.

Lynne  3/23/99 I appreciated soooo much your "longing to please the Lord" and not be rebellious.  Your "servant's heart"  will take you places that "book learning"  could never take you.  The most important
"thing" about being a pastor's wife is to  1)  LOVE JESUS  ---  walk humbly with HIM,  Keep your heart right with God & man  2)  LOVE YOUR HUSBAND --- support him in the meetings & outside of the meetings.  3)  BE REAL --- You be who you are!  People will love you for that.  We will all remember you in our prayers.  There will be bumps along the way.  Just learn from every bump and don't let it make you bitter, but better.  REMEMBER --- the same "boiling water" that hardens the egg ---- softens the carrot!  So, with the ministry.....  trials, misunderstandings, & all the experience that goes with MINISTRY can make you a SEASONED SAINT & a GREAT BLESSING.  May JESUS change you from GLORY to GLORY as you work for the KING.

Sister Davis  3/24/99 Where do you go when you heart hurts where do you go when you are feeling sad
where do you go when you are reaching out and you want to be back glad.  My husband is the pastor and I am his wife to serve at his side but sometimes the pain I feel makes me cry out and it would feel better if I had died no one knows my heart of hearts to love and cherish all no one knows my deepest disire to hold on and not fall.  It does not matter what others say or how they feel I know inside God is powersul and His love is real I will not focus on people and what they say or think they know I just want to know in my heart where do I go.

I want to first say like I mentioned earlier how much I love the Lord.  He is everything to me.  My problem is that sometimes I want to break out running.  I want to just leave and say I can not do this.  I know it is the devil who is fighting me on every hand but sometimes you just want a "christian vacation".  Where you just forget that you are even saved and just go away.  But then you love God to much and you feel the hurt that you would inflict on Him so you say to yourself "self you got to fight just one more day" And each day is a struggle just to stay saved.  I think so much of Paul in Romans ch. 7 when he says oh what wretched man I am.  I get so mad when I disappoint my husband.  I get mad at myself for allowing the devil to use me and spending more time in prayer fighting those things which I have no control over.  I will admit my husband is not perfect and I know my calling is a prophet and it makes it so hard when God gives me something to say but my husband will not release me.  Of cousre my husband says there are to many things that I have to work on before I start to think about ministry.  And then that is where my frustration begin.  Lord why did you give me the desire to minister to your people when the door would be shut in my face by the closest person to me?  I am not one to question the Lord but I know that He has an ultimate call for me that I can not see.  I want to tap into that calling.  I want to be what you have called me to be oh God.  I want to serve you with all that is in me.  What can I do to please you God because my life is all about you.  Sorry got off track.  My desire is to please God and be a good wife and mother.  I feel so alone sometimes because you can not share so many things in fear that someone would look at you or your husband in judgement.  Not everyone loves my husband the way that I do so something that may upset me for a moment could ruin the way that they feel about him.  I feel I have said to much so please just pray and any advice I will be glad to take.

Lynne  3/24/99 I sense your frustration in your letter.  Bless your heart!  Who wouldn't be frustrated when you hardly have time to be a family!  One of the hardest areas in the ministry to find is ---- BALANCE -----  but it must be discovered or someone will burn out.  The first thing I would do is PRAY!  1.  Ask JESUS to prepare your heart & your husband's heart  2.  Pray that both of your eyes would be open.  (Where you need to submit & where he needs to put his foot down & be with his wife & children)
Secondly,  don't speak harshly about the situation to your husband.  Don't every use the word YOU.....  (You never spend time with me......  You are always on the phone with church members.....  You neglect the children) Just speak openly of how lonesome you are for him.  I have discovered in my marriage that 99% of problems can be resolved peacefully if it is covered with prayer and each partner is approached in a spirit of love & humility.  (Which without time with JESUS --- I don't have naturally have.)  I appreciated your sensitive spirit in your post.  Keep your eyes on JESUS.  He will help you.... He's for your little family.... IF GOD BE FOR YOU WHO CAN BE AGAINST YOU!    Keep us all posted, my new friend.  We will believe that it will all work out in His time.

Lousie  4/5/99 Lynn thank you for your advise.  My husband has realized that he was giving everything to the church and neglecting us as a family.  He has delegated some of his duties to associate ministers and has promised to take us to a basketball game next week. Thank you and Praise the Lord for this
Website!!!

Yvette  3/26/99 How can I "speak the truth in love??"  Perhaps your husband is not called to pastor, but whether he is or isn't is something that GOD must convince him of.  During Jeremiah's ministry, NOT ONE person turned to the Lord, but he remained faithful, because he felt he must be obedient to the Lord.  One thing is for certain, without your support, your husband will not be successful.  I would ask you to go before the throne, take these things that are in your heart, empty your own desires, and
earnestly seek the Lord.  We know one thing for sure, His word exhorts us as wives to be submissive, respect our husbands, and to be a helpmate to them.  May the Lord be with you and your husband, as you both seek to do His will.  If you do follow your husband, who knows, that may be the thing that frees him up to agree with you.  Many times when we as wives disagree, our husbands automatically feel that they must go the opposite way.  If he knows that you are behind him, perhaps he will be able to hear God's will even more clearly, and the two of you can find unity and likemindedness.  May your heart be filled with God's love, peace, grace, and mercy, as he guides you each day.

Sis Davis  3/26/99 When I was reading your coment I felt as though I had wrote it myself.  My husband knew that his ultimate call was to be a pastor but I had no idea when he would start I thought I would
be ready.  In October of 98 we had a little trouble in our marriage and then we he came to his senses he said that he was running from the call of God and now he was ready to Listen to the Lord.  So he told our pastor that he was ready to pastor well to make along story short because there is a lot to this story she did not agree and she told him and he then decided to leave the church.  Well because he was so sure of the call of God he left and said we will continue as planned and start in Jan.  I was not ready and felt that he was not ready and was very angry and even ready to leave.  In my spirit I felt that the Lord was saying for us to wait for a year.  Well when I told him that he said  he would "pray" about it.  Well of course I was not going with the program and finnaly I was thinking I need to be behind my husband.  So I
said well what ever you need I will help.  So he was excited and about a week later he came to me and told me that three times while he was in prayer the Lord told him to wait one year.  In that year we are to be praying and just building the core of our ministry.  I know it is hard to submit but the one thing I know about God is that He honors the humble and He resist the proud.  So if you are both in a place of rebellion He can not work on your husband in your behalf.  It seems so unfair I know because many nights I have cryed and said Lord why, how, when.  But the Lord just keeps on trying to show me that my place is behind my husband, and I do not mean like I have to walk behind him but I mean holding him up.  If we are one then that means if he falls I fall with him.   Remember that God wants to do a miricle thru you and in your marriage and at least one person has to be in place.  Also; (and I know I have said alot) When it comes to the children they need to see you backing up your husband because subconsciencly if they see that you do your own thing they feel it is ok for them to do there own thing if they do not agree with the wisdom that is given.  If you do decide to support your husband sit the kids down and repent infront of them and tell them listen I am sorry we have not been there for daddy but from here on out we will be behind him.  Now in your prayer closet you tear down every vein imagination the exaults itself against God.  I could go on and on because I am right where you are but I do not want to take up to much of your time.  I will be praying for you.

Yvette  3/26/99 I know no one, NO ONE who doesn't struggle at times with this.  One thing that helps me through those dry times is praying the God would make my desire for Him be stronger than anything
else, that He would make me thirsty for His word.  Sometimes, I can be very complacent, or simply busy with ministry, children, etc.  and since He is a gentleman, He will not force His way into my life.  The second thing I know to be true is that He is always waiting, no matter how long it has been, to receive me, with no condemnation, no guilt trips.  He always has His eyes on me, not to catch me doing wrong, but simply because He can't take His eyes off of me. . . We are the apple of His eye.  Often I have felt
overcome by guilt (NOT from the Lord, but from Satan), which will keep me away even longer.  Walking with the Lord is something we are being trained in, and some of us are at different stages than others.  He will meet you wherever you are.  The third thing that helps me, is simply to "confess" to others, (wisely,carefully, of course) which you have done here, and with your husband.  One of the greatest blessings in my life is knowing that when I am at a place where I feel SOOO unspiritual, that I can confess that, and when I cannot pray for myself, know that others can lift me up.  My husband, I think, will always be ahead of me spiritually, simply because He is forced to be in the word, he teaches verse by verse twice a week!!  I do not, I support him, care for the children, make our home a refuge, help supplement our income, and do not put the time into that relationship with the Lord as he does. Ask hubby to pray for you, with you, about this.  He is YOUR pastor too.   One thing that has helped me also in the past is to be involved in a weekly Bible study, where there is homework involved.  Those studies have spurred the most growth in me, simply because they provide me with very needed accountability. Check with larger local churches.   Praying that you "will be as a tree planted by the water", that the Lord would give you a burning desire to fellowship with him, and that you might "be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height--to know the love of Christ which passes knowledgte; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages"  Eph. 3:17-21  Remember too, that wherever you are spiritually, the Lord loves you UNCONDITIONALLY.  I will lift you up.

Dawn  3/28/99 Run, do not stop, to your prayer closet and confess how you are feeling to the Lord.  We all have times of spritual dryness and I have personally found these are the times the enemy is hard at work!  When I'm dry, and it's not hard to get that way with the busyness of life in ministry, the enemy starts tap dancing in my mind and places all sorts of lies there! When we get before our Creator and tell Him how we are feeling, He refreshes us with His love, mercy, grace and forgiveness!!  Praise His Holy
Name!!!  That is another way I try to stay spiritually full, with praise & worship music!  I have a favorite artist called Dennis Jernigan, who is called a modern day psalmist.  His music is written as if spoken from the Father's heart and it really ministers to me.  Check your local Christian bookstore or contact me and I'll find some for you.  This music will keep God's promises alive in you!  Don't let the enemy make you feel alone with this problem, as you can see from others responses, you are not.  God's just waiting for you to ask Him for help!  He doesn't judge us or condemn us...isn't that exciting!!!  Please feel free to contact me if you would like to correspond.  May God richly bless you as you fulfill His purpose and call on your life!  Don't under estimate what you do to keep your home a safe place for your husband and children, that's probably the most important thing you can do for them!!!

Yvette  3/26/99  I will pray for you. . . I homeschooled for 5 years, and I will tell you that some people simply will never understand that.  One of my children was in public school for a year (not a bad experience), and now both are in Christian school.  At one point, I had a real "homier than thou" attitude, but the Lord quickly corrected me.  I know the devisiveness and strong opinions that can come when it comes to school situations, or that "stay at home vs. working mom" question.  One thing that has helped me is simply to encourage support for wherever God has called each of our families.  There were times that I could help out a working mom with school age kids, or she could help me out.  I will pray
that these people will focus on what you have in common as sisters in Christ.  I think that people automatically feel like homeschoolers are the enemies of public school, and it is up to homeschoolers to prove them wrong.  I have a teacher friend, ( a truly teriffic, called by God, loving, giving, teacher), and I really had to show her that I respect what she does, mostly by asking her how her classes are going,
and showing interest.  It took some time to build that trust.  Unfortunately, homeschoolers have really been stereotyped as a radical, hostile, group by some.  It is sad that we as Christians sometimes lose our focus--after all, we will spend eternity with each other.  I will pray for you and your children.  As for the antidepressants, I have no condemnation for you.  I was once in that same place.  I prayed, and basically  had four questions for the Lord.  1)  Is this depression caused by something spiritual?? (sin, unforgiveness, etc.)  2)  An emotional problem that has been swept under the carpet?? or, 3) Is this a physical problem, with physical symptoms, 4) Is this something that can be overcome without medical intervention??  I feel that this is a private issue between you, your God, and your husband.  If it is physical, I felt that the Lord would rather provide some help, and have me well and serving, than to be basically nonfunctional (if HE has provided medical help, I think it's not wrong to take it) .  Some will disagree with me, and that is fine.  They must do what God has told THEM to do.  I would encourage you, however, to take a two-fold approach, don't just treat the physical depression, but drink deeply of God's word, and seek Him daily.  Meditating on His word will be you spiritual strength, your anchor whentimes are dark.  Seek His will on what doctor to see, medication, duration of medication, etc.  Most depression does not last.  Know that it will have an end.  Seek His wisdom, He will surely be found.  Be very cautious, be wise, about the counsel that you receive.  Check it with God's Word.  Many times our best counselors are simply our friends.  I'd be happy to chat with you. . . Forward an inquiry if you want.

High Calling  3/27/99 Yvette has given you some wise coynsel so I won't add to that, but I have thought of a simple thing you might do to build bridges with the people who appear to be your critics.  Invite them
over for lunc or for dinner and find out something they really like to eat or to do and do that.  you will be amazed at how the walls of hostility tumble when you treat them with kindness and generosity and just show them love.  Let us know how things progress.

Brenn  3/30/99 Our marriage has suffered some pretty major blows, and we obviously cannot afford counseling either. We have called Focus on the Family. They have a counseling department just for ministry families to call. It has seemed to help us some. It's just nice to be able to talk with someone and get an outside opinion. I will pray for you, because I can see that you are really hurting. I know where you are coming from!!

Mollie  4/3/99 My husband and I have also struggled-that is a normal part of any marriage.  I spent much time agonizing over very similar issues to yours and found nothing to help until I finally allowed Scripture to permeate my heart.  Submission is not a very popular message today but we as wives are told to submit to our husbands.  This command is paired with our husbands loving us as Christ loved the church.  However, disobedience on one side DOES NOT excuse disobedience on the other.  Just because your husband does not love you perfectly does not give you an excuse to not submit.  The apostle Peter tells us that us that our beauty and adornment must come from a gentle and quiet spirit.  As hard as it may be, nagging and begging your husband to meet your needs has to be stopped.  Thesethings actually drive a husband away and make the situation worse.  Instead, love him with a quiet and gentle spirit and pray for him and yourself.  The changes may take some time in coming but when your husband sees the difference in your spirit and attitude, he will come to love you more (or at least show that love more than he does now).  Remember, you cannot change him, but you can change yourself.  Obey what God has given YOU to do and let God work in his spirit using your obedience as a means of change.

Lynne  4/6/99 I am not sure about the laws in Kentucky, but I can share with you our experience in Iowa.  The Lord led us to start a Christian school 11 years ago.  It has been such a blessing to our
congregation.  In Iowa.... the laws are very rigid.  We have a state certified teacher, but not a state certified library or curriculum.  (Which means we would have to teach certain things and have in our library certain books that we are not comfortable with)  We, too, are in a small town (350) and my husband pastors a rural church.  God has been merciful to us.  Our church has grown (We have been here for 17 years now)  Our church is around 125 or so.   Our school has 30 students.  (We have turned at least that many away)  We decided after the first few years to only let children from our church attend the school.  The reason being ---  some from outside our church held different views than students from our church....  It seemed to create turmoil in our school.  (Such as our families did not feel comfortable with certain movies, and parents outside our church saw nothing wrong with those movies.... I hope you
understand what I mean!)  This is a personal issue and must be resolved by the parents wanting to start the Christian school.  I would say that the most important issue is LIKE MINDEDNESS!  Because the trials will come..... No doubt about it!  But I can honestly say it's one of the best decisions our little church has ever made.  I doubt very much that the legal ramifications would keep you from starting, if we can do it in IOWA anyone can do it!  The most difficult legal trial we had was with the State Fire Marshall.  We had to do some remodeling to our church so the school would be legal according to his rules.  (Which in a small church & school some of the rules seem petty --- like 3 $800.00 fire doors..... which are too heavy for our younger children to open.... So they would be caught in the fire because they can't open them.....  I'm for fire safety, but sometimes common sense needs to come in to play instead of rules meant to accomodate a Large building rather than a small church building.)  I pray God's richest blessings be upon your efforts. KEEP US POSTED

Angie  4/29/99 I know exactly what you mean when you talk about being so young in a congregation with elderly women.  The women in our church are very sweet and kind to me also, but I do feel like a grand-daughter to them.  My husband and I have both felt that way, like we are their ideal grandchildren because we are active and obedient Christians.  I find it hard to communicate with them sometimes and if I do find something that they really like to talk about I try to come back to that whenever I can.  I also sometimes feel like I do not fit the "mold" as a Pastor's wife.  I mean, I know that it's too late now, but I wonder sometimes if I have what it takes to be in this role.  I have another friend who is also just starting out in the ministry with her husband and we have talked about this alot, about what it is to be in this position and how we are supposed to be above reproach.  I know that the Lord has placed me here for a reason, I just wonder sometimes how I can ever be effective when I feel so inadequate??  I guess I probably know the answer....get on my knees and pray!  By the way, I would like to talk with you but I am not sure how to get a hold of you!!

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