The purpose of this page is to support
and encourage pastor's wives. If you are a pastor's wife and have
a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion,
please fill out the form and click submit. Responses will be added. Let's help each other!
Please also submit for our future
book. We are also planning a book for and about pastor's
kids. Please check this out if you were a pastor's kid - or have
your child give us ideas!
Due to your great responses, we have
made this Support Board into many different pages! Make sure you
read all of them!
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Carol 7/26/98 I
am a 22 year old youth pastor's wife. We just began our ministry
in the beginning of July. We have prayed long and hard for this (he's
26), but did not receive all we wanted. I have wanted to have children
since we were married 3 years ago. We had to wait because of finances.
However, even though my husband receives a reasonable salary, it is not
enough for us to support a child on, and our church does not offer medical
coverage currently. I was so saddened by this, because my husband
has expressed his desire to start a family now, also, whereas, he had stated,
when we were first married, that he wanted to wait for at least 5 years.
I am extremely saddened by this! All I want is to be a mother.
I am afraid that this will
not happen for another few years. Any words of wisdom?
Angie 3/3/99 I too
am anxiously waiting to start a family. I can't wait!! My husband
(he is 24, I am 26) is in his last few months of seminary and we are looking
forward to having children. I don't know what
kind of wisdom I can impart to you,
I can only direct you in love as a sister in Christ. The Lord does
desire to give us the desires of our hearts, however, we must be sure that
those things we desire are not taking a front seat before Him. Right?
I know that waiting is horrible, I wish that I had a child now, however,
there may be medical reasons why I cannot conceive, something that I am
waiting to find out. But for the time being the Lord is teaching
me so much about who I am and what place I have Him in my life. Only
good can come in the waiting, I assure you. His time is perfect!!
What a joy to know that your Heavenly Father knows your heart and your
situation and He wants to provide you with an abundant life. Wait
on Him, His timing is best!! "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will
give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4 "For my thoughts are
not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the Lord. "As the heavens
are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my
thoughts than your thoughts"..Isaiah 55:8,9 read on and be
Mollie 4/4/99 I
am also a pastor's wife in a rural setting in a church of 30-40 attending
members. All of the ladies in my church are above 55 (most of them
are closer to 70). Their last pastor's wife was in her late fifties
and many were close friends with her. I on the other hand am 31 and
the mom of a toddler. As you can guess, while the ladies have been
very sweet and good to me, we don't have a lot in common. They seem
hurt that I don't spend as much time with them as the last pastor's wife.
I am involved with the women's minstry and other things but being 'buddies'
with someone your grandmother's age is hard. I have found that in my prayer
life I have to be forced to look outward (or upward) more because it would
be easy to feel sorry for myself. I also have found that I must not compare
myself to other pastor wives. I would love to chat with you sometime
if your still feeling lonely and want to talk. It would be great
to be able to share with someone my own age who is having similar experiences.
8/3/98 I am having a hard
time talking to people. I can't open up to anyone in the church that my
husband pastor's at. I would like it if someone would lend me some advice,
or just contact me for a talk. Thank you in Jesus' love.
Shy 8/28/98 Leigh
Ann - I also am having a hard time talking to people at the church my husband
is youth pastor at. We don't know anyone in the area - we moved to
a different state. I am very shy in person, and have a hard time
relating with any of the women in the church. I'm afraid I don't
have any words of wisdom, but I thought it might be nice to know that you
are not alone. Feel free to e-mail me at: SharkBaity@aol.com
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husband was recently (5 years ago) appointed to pastor of a church which
has about 70 active members. I have been in the ministry with my
husband for 28 years -- we've been married for 30 years. He has only
been pastoring for 5 years. I know of the struggles of a minister's
wife, but I'm having a problem
with finding out where do I as the pastor's wife fit. There are those
who have been at the church and have run the church and they seem to think
that now that they have leaders that they are in charge. I've been
accused of doing things that are not right -- no one tells me what that
is -- they call and tell me these things -- I am a person that does not
like conflict -- although I know that it comes -- I can deal with it.
I've been praying that the Lord will give me the wisdom to first deal with
myself and then teach me how to deal with others. I've been accused
of not including all the women
in the things that we do.
But, when I ask them to come -- they don't participate. Or, if I
ask them to participate or do they have any ideas for things we might do
-- know one responds. I'm really at a crossroads. Has any other
pastor's wife felt this way?
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8/13/98 I am an African American
Pastor's Wife (AAPW). The church is independent full gospel.
The ministry began in early 1994 and the Lord has blessed us to have continuous
growth. We now have about 150 active members. I do not wish
to sound separatist, but there are some things that are unique to predominately
African American churches, however, I would like to hear from both Caucasian
and AAPW's who can impart some Godly wisdom to my concern. The one
thing I have noticed about most predominately
caucasian churches is that they are very organized. They seem to
be more aggressive in providing opportunities for their members and leaders
to get training outside of their church. An example is the Willie
George(?) youth conference where youth pastors and leaders are taught how
to reach young people and get them excited about the gospel. Although
the mainline black churches (i.e. Baptist, COGIC, and AME) seem to be somewhat
in step with new ideas, it seems to me that independent, non-denominational,
full gospel type churches are so busy competing against one another for
the "biggest" church, that we have forgotten the real mission. Many
of the independents seem to be "one-man (or woman) shows". Very little
fellowship with other like minded ministries and God forbid if your husband
has an ought with my husband...you and I will have a hard time connecting.
Does anybody know what I'm saying? My specific question is this:
What can I as an AAPW do to help my husband in his efforts to "connect"
with other like-minded ministries, and what suggestions do you have for
me to build bridges with both my white and black sisters in the gospel?
Would appreciate a
thoughtful response soon.
Thanks and I love you!
First, I think perhaps the differences aren't as great as you believe.
I am Southern Baptist, but I've noticed the same thing (separatism and
"one up-manship" in the predominantly white full-gospel, non-denominational
churches. I don't live there any more, but the city I am from has
number of these churches
(some very good teaching ones and African American ones as well).
The thing they seem to have in common is there size. Very large churches.
The other churches in the area seem to be struggling, smaller congregations.
The work these churches could do in that city if they would band together
is beyond comprehension! God has planted a number of strong churches
there that seem to be aloof rather than working together for the Word of
God to be spread. I believe that the whole idea of being "nondenominational"
lends itself to this mindframe. Denominations have churches that
work well together because part of who they are is in another body of believers.
I am not saying that nondenominational churches are bad, nor am I saying
that those belonging to a specific denomination are good. WHO you
are affiliated with does not matter as long as you are true to WHO you
are preaching and teaching. It is the Word of God that must reign
supreme as the mission of the church. Not the Southern Baptists or
Free Methodists or any other denomination.
Pat 1/4/99 Kerry,
I asked for a thoughtful response and you have certainly provided one.
Thank you for answering. You make a valid point that if the "independent"
churches banded together, we could do an awesome work for the Lord.
Therein lies the problem. Exactly HOW do we accomplish this?
I agree with you totally that we must be clear on WHO we are preaching.
I also believe that fellowship and connecting with other believers is critical
regardless of denomination or ethnicity. The problem is, it's not
happening and that bothers
me. We have attempted to reach out and will continue to do that,
however, I am convinced it will take a sovereign move of God to shake the
city I'm in! Please pray for us and pass on any other insights.
I truly appreciate it.
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8/29/98 I am a Pastor's wife
of 19 years and a PK of 40. We have served 3 churches and I have
always felt like I had "family" in those churches. We have been in
our current church for 6 years. God has blessed and we have been
able to do things in ministry we only dreamed of. Four years ago
I began working part-time and that filled some of the "family" void, but
I found myself with less and less time for my children and church work.
This past February God spoke to me about trusting Him for the $$$ and coming
home. Once I decided to do that He also spoke to me about homeschooling.
I have accepted that "challenge" with a 9th, 6th and 4th grade child and
believe He will be faithful. I could stay secluded in my only little
world here; however, I am the type of person who needs to feel like "family."
(Our closest family members are 9 hours away.) If we do anything
with church members it is because I have planned or invited people; very
rarely is there reciprocation. Any ideas? Thanks.
High Calling 9/5/98 I
can relate to your question regarding being a family in your church.
Our family is 4 1/2 days drive away so we don't see them very often!
I would encourage you to continuing inviting people from church over.
In fact, you can make it a part of your homeschooling curriculum.
I don't know if your children are boys or girls, but they can learn about
the practicalities of running a home and practicing hospitality.
You might even look for a widow or widower whom you can have as a surrogate
grandparent. Your children can benefit from their friendship and
you can have the sense of having family in. You could even do a lunch
once a week or every other week and allow the children to plan, prepare
and serve. It is typical that your family will probably do the inviting
and not receive that, but don't let that discourage you from hospitality.
Realize you are being an example as well to others.
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9/4/98 My husband and I
have been in the ministry for almost 17 years and the Lord has been so
good to us at the various places He has led us. The past couple
of years have been pretty rough with challenges and trials. I really
feel my husband is close to burn out and at times me too. We
both love our Lord and want to serve Him; it's just that lately it has
become a chore to be apart of things in church. I work full
time as both mother of four and at a forty hour week job outside the home.
At church I teach jr. high Sunday School, play for worship and also sing,
and am in charge of Jr. church. With that goes the normal calling,
youth activities, community and church activities. I know my husband
feels overwhelmed at times too. Would you please pray for strength,
guidance and wisdom to once again feel that excitement and fire for serving
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9/5/98 Help, I need advice!!!! I know that the occurrence
of pastors submitting anything to this page is fairly rare, so please pay
attention to my request? My wife and I are new to the ministry, we
have only been in a bivocational pastorate for five months. I have
read many of the letters on this page, and it scares me to death, I love
my wife, and I do not ever want to make her feel second fiddle to the ministry.
I know that I as pastor have a great responsibility to my flock, and to
the office in which God has called me, my wife is an integral part of that
ministry, and I could not make it without her at my side.Thank God for
knowing me well enough to design a woman to perfectly compliment his servant.
I know that in a bivocational pastorate, time alone with my wife is a rare
occasion, we also have a two year old, and one on the way. I am looking
for ideas to make the little time that we have together more
meaningful, I want to make my
wife feel cherished, not just needed. Please send me some ideas,
any advice is welcome. I do not intend to let my wife be brokenhearted
by this ministry, or me.
High Calling 9/8/98 What
a wonderful act of love you have shown by just asking the question!
I would encourage you to never sacrifice your responsibility to your family
on the altar of keeping the church happy or hoping to prevent criticisms.
Don't always say "No" to family and "Yes" to the church or easily cancel
family plans when the people of the church ask. Then when a church
family really needs you, your family will gladly and prayerfully free you
up to minister to that family. You will give your wife and children
great security by not only making plans with them BUT in keeping them and
they will not need to hold on to you so tightly that you feel pulled in
opposite directions. They will in turn become your biggest prayer
RaChelle 9/8/98 Your
concern is valid. There are some great resources if your looking
for ideas....Bill and Pam Farrel have written several books you may find
useful....Marriage in the Whirlwind, Love to Love You, Pure
Pleasure, Let Her Know You Love Her, and Pam has written one
for women, Women of Influence that your wife would probably love.
Also the Arp's have a lot of stuff for couples. Bill and Pam are
in full time ministry in San Diego, California, so their stuff is a little
more feasible for ministry couples. Your local bible book store can
order them if they don't carry the books, or you can go online with Christian
Book Distributors, and order from them. Good luck! And
second, from the perspective of a pastor's wife, one of the greatest stresses
in our marriage has been the amount of time that my husband spends on-line.
Beware, and be discerning!
Judy 6/6/00 Please
DO NOT always put your family on hold for your church. My husband
did this at our first church. We could never have a family night
or any private time. God gave you your family and he expects
you to take care of them and that doesn't mean just with money or
"things". Time with you is
very important and something
that can never be replaced. It took my husband a long time to understand
this learn from his mistake.
9/15/98 My husband is in
his third year of seminary (internship) and will have
one more year of school
before he (we!) are called to go out to parish ministry. (I say "we"because
I havea strong sense of call to support him in his ministry).
Here's my question:
who will be my
pastor? I don't believe that my hsuband can serve in that capacity.
He andI pray together,
and work on our faith together. In the past, I havealways had very
goodrelationships with my pastors and have gone to them for advice andguidance.
The pastor'sspouses I know usually find another pastor or confidante.
I am curious to
know what happenswhen you
live in a small town and there are fewer options available...
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9/15/98 This is the second
time I have signed on to this support board. It is amazing to me
how many women in the ministry feel like I have felt and still feel at
times. My husband and I have been married almost 15 years and in
the ministry for 13. We spent 8 years overseas and have been
back in the states for 4 now. I have been truly amazed at the "Church"
in the USA since returning. My husband and I were Church planters
and now he is the senior pastor of a church of 350. I don't know
if there is anyone who feels like me but I am really grieved at the state
of the church here. I have never encountered the kind of slander
and intentional destruction of Gods people towards Church leaders and ministers.
Maybe I am really idealistic but this just shouldn't be. I have read
so many of other Pastors wives letters who have commented that they and
their spouses are ready to give up the ministry. Being worn down
by all the "stuff". My heart is grieved because I too am going through
these same situations and I see how it is wearing my husband down.
A man who loves the Lord with all his heart and is striving with everything
to lead these people into an intimate relationship with Christ and to also
train them up to be disciples of Jesus. It is wearing us both down
and breaking our hearts. If it hurts us so bad, I can imagine how
it hurts God even more. I am so sorry that there are so many in the
ministry who are being hurt by the enemy. I pray intently that God
revive his ministers and wives and that He would revive His church to love
Him with all their beings and be willing to lay down their lives for His
sake. We are so busy devouring our own that we have no concern or
very little for those who will meet Christ some day and be sent to Hell
because no one ever took the time to lead them to know the Savior.
High Calling 9/17/98 I
believe you echoed many of the hearts that read this support board.
Often I have wanted to leave the states because of the way we in the church
behave. It definitely redirects our attention away from the ministry
of the gospel. I have at times felt like many who want to leave the
ministry. I feel so grieved at that time because for so many years
ministry was the joy of my heart. I know that we are not to letour
present circumstance to control us but we should be able to echo with the
apostle Paul "for the love of Christ controls us..."Your entry itself
was an encouragement to me to cause my focus to be turned back yet again
to the purpose of our calling. Thank you immensely. May we
be faithful to "encourage one another and all the more as we see the day
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10/8/98 I am a Pastor's wife
in a small town and church and I am in need of ministry myself. I
am finding myself lonely and in need of a close friend. But I am
struggling, because the Word says that Jesus will stick closer
than a brother (sister) and He supplies all my needs. So my question
is if we are all so lonely, isn't God there for us? Does He not meet
my needs? Sure He does. I'm just being tested and God will
pull me through. Amen!! ALso we serve a Mighty God and I know He
loves me, and I know this is just a trick of the enemy to get Pastor's
wife's focused on themselves instead of on the ministry ahead of them.
Like witnessing to our neighbors and loving them as we love ourselves.
Thanks for letting me share
my thoughts. Not lonely in Texas anymore!!
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10/10/98 Hi there from New
England! We've been in ministry for 17 years and have a "Escape Home"
available in southwest New Hampshire for couples/families/individuals in
ministry only. Write me with your mailing address to receive a information
packet/photo,etc. Keep faithful!
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10/11/98 I am going to share
my testimony in church in a few weeks. I am afraid of the response
that I get. I suffer depression. I DO believe God wants me
to share this experience with others in need of help.
Peg 10/31/98 I
just finished reading a book you may find helpful - A Joy I'd Never
Known, by Jan Dravecky. It deals with a battle against depression
faced by the wife of a famous ball player. (Dave Dravecky) Don't
be afraid to share your testimony - so many people suffer from it, and
God may use your experience to help and encourage others. I hope
you received the help you need - you have nothing to be ashamed of!!
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10/14/98 Please pray for
my husband. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in June and has
recently undergone radiation treatments that have left him with extreme
weakness. He is a wonderful pastor and husband. Please pray
that he will be made completely whole. We, also, need your prayers
for our finances. Something has been brought to our attention that could
make our life drastically better concerning finances. We pastor a
small, rural church that many times has just enough income to pay the monthly
bills and very little left for a pastor. So, we both work full time jobs
in addition to pastoral duties. This is the smallest and most difficult
church we have ever pastored. ( We all need to pray for the pastors and
their families who pastor small, rural churches.) We have learned
a lot from our ministry in this church. We, especially, learned to
be thankful that there are churches that are financially stableenough to
bless their pastors with a favorable salary. If it is allowed, please,
let me pass along the information we have learned. Perhaps someone else
is qualified for it. It seems that since my husband served 11 years in
the Air Force, during which he had the onset of hypertension, he is eligible
to be considered for Service Connected Disability. This disability
is much different from Social Security Disability. As I understand it,
someone who receives disability benefits under this program can earn any
amount of income. They do not have to be disabled to the point of being
completely unable to work. Only 90 days of military service is required
and there is no time limit for filing. Contact the local VA office to apply.
Any illness or impairment that was incurred or aggravated during military
service could be considered. We knew that some servicemen were receiving
benefits, but we did not know it would
include something that increased
in severity years and years later. We thought that filing for these
benefits was required at the time of discharge. Hope this might be
of help to someone else. It could amount to a nice supplement to
a pastor's salary. The maximum benefit for 100% disability determination
is $1,964.00 monthly! Quite a nice supplement, indeed! Please let
me know if this helps someone else. More information can be found
online at the Veteran's Administration site. God bless all of you...
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10/18/98 Hi, I have been
a PW since January and am still getting used to the fact that I cannot
confide in any of the women in the church. But, what I am really
writing about is the fact that while I am married to a pastor (pastoring
a small rural church while in seminary) I do not have a particularcalling
to be a PW. I am in college working on my bachelor's degree in a
very different subject. Is there anyone out there with a similar
experience? Any advice? The congregation at this church is
very understanding since we made it clear what my priorities would be during
my husband's job interview, but I still feel the pressure to "conform"
to the "norm" of what I think a PW should be. How can I be
myself and still be the wife of a minister without falling into the trap
of losing myself?
Mollie 4/4/99 It
is possible to be a "non-traditional" pastor's wife and still be a helpmate
to your husband (and, yes, you can keep your own identity too). I
live and work in a very rural area of KY where my
husband pastors a small
congregation. I teach school. Working outside the home
has a great many advantages. 1. I keep my identity and sanity. 2.My
daughter gets out to play with friends at her sitters (there are no children
her age in our church or neighborhood). 3. My husband WANTS me to work.
He actually feels more comfortable serving our church and feels free to
teach Scripture without fear because I work. If perchance the church
was angered at any of his teaching, my job is secure and we wouldn't
completly be out in the
cold. Therefore, by working outside the home, I am providing for
him and myself and our family. Within the church, I do minister but
in ways in which I feel God has gifted me. I hate potlucks because
I am not a traditional cook. I don't sew....However, i read avidly
and can share ideas in newsletters, I teach in the women's group and can
be creative with my children's church program. God didn't call all
pastor's wives to look or be alike. Just like all Christian's, He
has gifted us each in different ways and calls us to serve as we are gifted.
Lea 10/23/98 I'm
not to sure why I decided to search for minister's wives club. But
here it goes. My husband and I have been married for 5 years he is
a ordained minister who left the ministry when we married. We had a conversation
several days ago about him being called back to the ministry. He
painted a bleak picture of what a minister's wife may go through.
And after reading this board I am confused. I feel as if there is
something missing from my life and God maybe the answer. My husband has
left the decision of returning to the ministry in my hands. A heck
of a weight to bear. I'm not sure where to begin or if I should begin
at all. I sure could use a shoulder to cry on.
If God has called your husband to the ministry, then he will not be happy
until he is back using the gifts that God gave him. I have been a
Pastor's wife for over 11 years and was in missionary work in the states
before that. My husband and I are both called, He to be the Pastor
and me to be a Pastor's wife. Yes, there has been hard times, but
if I were to trade off I would take the hard times. The joy of serving
the Lord is so great. I can't imagine doing anything else.
Ema 12/28/98 Lea,
I wonder if you've had to decide yet, and, if so, what was your decision?
I can't say that my life as the wife of a Pastor has been 'bleak', not
by any means! One thing I will say is that one will have to spend
an enormous amount of time talking to the Lord about 'things'. You may
even have to go to The Potter's House - and it can get quite warm in there.
I know this by experience. I love our Ministry. I say 'our Ministry'
because I believe that if God has called my husband to be a Pastor he has
called me as well - are we not 'one'? I am to be his 'helpmeet' and whenever
I have a question or complaint about that I go directly to the Chief and
he somehow seems to have been able to change my way of thinking somehow!
Another 'thing' is that you may find that you have to learn if you haven't
learned it yet - you'll have to learn how to have FAITH and what it means
to have FAITH. Your relationship with God may take a swift curve in order
to acquire FAITH. FAITH that God will use his very own 'treasury' to supply
your financial needs at times. FAITH that he will find you an 'affordable'
car, house etc. FAITH that he will carry you through illness and/or
disease. God is Good and he is Faithful, Lea. If you have a willing
heart and can learn to pray and read the Word and listen to his whisper
you can do the 'job'. He knows your/my heart - just keep a clean heart
before him. He'll help you. It's not an easy 'job'. It certainly not for
the faint-hearted. But, even those - if the Lord has called 'em -
can be strengthened by the Lord. It will be rewarding - IF this is
where the Lord is indeed calling you. God grant you his wisdom.
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CAD 10/25/98 Our
husbands, have gone back to college to become pastors. We are considered
non-traditional students since our husbands are both older. We both
have four children in our family and at times we both feel like single
moms. Our husbands study all the time and we have very limited
family time. Our school
does not have any support group for wives who may enter the ministry late
in life. We are uncomfortable about discussing this with anyone at
the school due to the fact they may see this as a mark against our husbands.
Please give us some ideas on how we could get something set up to provide
a Christian based support group for wives in our position? Thank
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I have a question ladies. My husband is the assistant pastor of our
church. We have been there many years - almost 16 years now.
Our senior pastor is a single woman. She seems to act as if my husband
is her husband. My husband does not see the problem at all, and I
get the blame game of being jealous. She has him doing all kind of
things that are personal for her, but he feels like he has to do them.
I am really frustrated and really want to leave this ministry, but haven't
felt the release from God. Anyone have any ideas, if not please pray for
You are in my prayers! Is there someone you know of, a mutual friend in
the church or outside, who could talk with you and your husband to help
him see what you see. If it is a problem for you, then it is something
that needs to be dealt with, even if your husband and the Sr. Pastor don't
recognize it. We all need to sit up our hedges and protect our marriages
against even the appearance of
a questionable relationship.
There is a book that deals with that-I think it's called Hedges (or something
like that!). Most importantly, the Holy Spirit is our Intercessor, and
you can pray for him to open your husband's eyes to see your concern.
Karen, I did get the counselling and I am praying and God is doing it.
Thank you for your input. God is so faithful. Continue to pray
for us. I will be adding those prayers for the week that someone
gave to us too.
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This is a great idea for a website! I was searching to see if there was
such a place! There's often times I'd like a minister's wife mentor, but
there's no one around. Now there is in cyberspace!!! Has anyone out there
been to a Family Life Marriage Conference and Marriage Encounter? Or if
someone has been to just one, will you tell me about it? Marriage Encounter
brochure says you do not share publicly about your private life. It makes
me wonder how Family Life does it. We're signed up for one of them and
trying to decide if we picked the right one for us. Any info.? Thanks!!!
Karen, My husband and I went to a Family Life Today weekend at the end
of September. It was great! You do not share publicly. We had three
speakers. They shared their experiences. You are given a workbook
that you fill in as you go through the seminar. The Friday night deals
with threats to oneness in your marriage. Friday night an eye opener.
I've wanted to go for a couple of year and this year I got a chance to
attend. The Holy Spirit ministered to both of us on an issue that
we had not discussed for a while. We heard the same answer although
we were in different sessions. The Sunday morning sessions are gender based
and deal with your role as wife and mother. I had fun and the hotel
was nice. Enjoy the weekend with your "sweetness."
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I am interested in corresponding with other pastor's wives via e-mail.
My husband pastors a community church that is growing and healthy.
Praise God! We have grown children, grandchildren and foster children
and grandchildren. Although busy, I would enjoy offering support
and prayer for anyone that would like especially you ladies that are new
to this wonderful calling. I have been in the ministry for 20 years
with 11 of those being a Pastor's wife.
Rock Dove Publications
Please contact us for Kay's e-mail address.
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I have just found this site- and just skimmed over the words- I am printing
the pages to read more in depth!! So many of the words I saw here
today- could have been my own words! I understand the feeling of
lonliness in the church. I have made friends with church members
at our first parish- a mistake! The best friend I can have where
ever I live is my husband! Once I began to understand this- my life
changed. I became closer to God and my husband, plus I am happier!
This site is one way to make contacts that we all need! Prayer is
the other way! I look forward to continued reading on the site!
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What a wonderful discovery!!! I have been a pastor's wife for almost
17 years. I will keep this short and give the best of what God has
blessed me with the past two... PRAYING FOR YOUR PASTOR/HUSBAND:
Because it is common among us to get 'leftovers' the best way to counteract
that is in prayer. Someone VERY wise shared the following verses
for me to pray for my husband:
Monday I pray: Ephesians 1:15-19 When God gives wisdom/revelation,
you will get QUALITY TIME
Tuesday I pray: Ephesians 3:14-21 You will get more than you can
ask or imagine...it is GREAT.
Wednesday I pray: Philipians 1:9-11 Discernment, knowledge
and depth of insight...just what a man after God's heart needs!!
Thursday I pray: Colossians 1:9-14 ENDURANCE/PATIENCE...by
this time in the week we all need it.
Friday I pray: Hebrews 13:20-21 Equipment for him/working in
I prayed these verses for
three years straight before I saw any sign of change. But, believe
me, I have THE man I always wanted and could not have possibly imagined.
I had to stop moaning and determine in my heart to pray no matter what
I saw God stands by His word. Try it!
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Hello, I am so thankful to see that a page like this exists!
I am 23 yrs old and am married to a Youth Pastor. My husband and
I have only been pastoring for 6 months. This is all so new for us.
I am very thankful that God has called us to the ministry, however I am
finding it to be difficult to adjust to. Our schedules are extremely
busy, and it seems as though lately our marriage is full of tension.
I know that God is gracious and merciful and can help us through this however
I find that it's
difficult to find anyone
to talk with. My husband and I have discussed this (tension)numerous
times and are working things out, but I'm really missing friendships.
I would love to talk with someone who is also a pastor's wife, and can
mentor. I know that I have a lot of growing to do. I am just
looking for a bit of direction and encouragement. Thank you!
Jen- I understand everything you say! Being married to a pastor is
very hard-- but you have to remember that you are not married to the pastor-
but to the man he is! I have been married 5 years to a pastor--the
first year was the hardest- 1- because we were newly married and 2- because
we moved away from everyone I knew. I continue to have have the desire
for friends around me, but I am learning to make the best of things.
My best friends include my husband and my mother (who lives 300 miles away).
Things will get better. I feel it is best to only do the things at
church I want to do-- not what everyone expects me to do :)) Continue
to COMMUNICATE with your husband- plan to spend dinner time together at
least 4 nights a week. Before we married I talked with a ministers
wife of 45 years- she told me they sit down together at least 5 nights
a week- do NOT answer the telephone and no tv. Dinner lasts an hour
which includes doing the dishes together. Her husband did not plan
meetings around dinner time either (lest she become upset). This
was a ritual when they were raising their family and was very rewarding.
Keep your chin up and remember how wonderful your husband is. Tension
is NORMAL. Feel free to email me. Contact Rock Dove Publications
for the address.
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Wow, am I really the only pastor's wife in the world with a career of my
own? Can't I be a good Christian, a good wife to my husband and also
follow my own calling? I would love to talk to
other PWs out there that
don't have any of the traditional skills of a PW such as cooking, teaching,
playing piano or singing. How did you find your niche? I want
to support my husband and still be who God made me.
No, you are not the only pastor's wife in the world with a career of your
own! I have worked in the "real world" at every church we have been
to. Unfortunately for me we have been at 4 churches in the last 4
years! This does not look good on a resume. I ran a business
for 2 yrs, was a sales director for a year and now am working as an office
manager. I have little cooking skills, do not teach Sunday School,
play the piano or sing (except in a crowd). As we near Y2K- the role
of a pastor's wife is changing. When we were in rural WV- it was
very much frowned upon be our parishioners that I work- but I was not going
to stay home, have babies, can the food they brought me, etc.
This does not
mean that I do not care
about the people in the congregation- I have my own life that helps me
have my own identity- VERY IMPORTANT:)) I do a lot of behind the
scenes work that no one is aware that I did- they just wonder who cleaned
the library, who types the "different" pages to the newsleter, etc.
Find what YOU want to do- to not let other people tell you what to do--
you are setting the role of all future pastor's wives at your parish!
Hope to hear from you!
Ema 12/29/98 Michelle,
actually, if we are 'one' with our husbands you may have two careers, then.
our husbands 'helpmeet'.
As for the traditional skills - these can be acquired. I know that I wasn't
born knowing how to cook. In fact, I pull out the good ol' Cookbook many
times - even to set the table! Many of the women at church sing much prettier
than I, but I do love to sing. As for teaching - I used to be the quietest
little lady on the whole planet, I was so shy! And, you know what? God
changed that - I asked him to help me and he did. I teach now. Not only
children but the women of the church. The Lord supplies, Michelle. He fills
in what we aren't yet equipped with. He can also change the way you think
- I once thought that I would let my husband be the Pastor all by himself
because I thought it was 'his job'. I
realized though, that it's
mine too being that we are 'one', no? If we really do have an 'open heart',
really want to do 'God's will', have a 'contrite spirit' the Lord will
see to it that we are happy in what we are
doing. I believe this
with all my heart. How do we find our niche? You can ask the Lord to quide
you. To open doors and to help you. You can be such a blessing to your
husband and to your church. Women see needs better than men. It's
really important, though, to seek the Lord in regards to your niche in
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La Vett 11/19/98
Praise the Lord! To God be the Glory!!!! I thank God that the Holy
Spirit allowed me to "stumble" onto this website. I am a pastor/bishop's
wife. We've been married a little over a year and I have been put
through the ringer spiritually, physically and in my marriage. I'm
still what they consider a young
woman (I'm 28). And no one has the slightest idea of what we go through
at church and at home. This is by no means an easy walk. Our
church members watch my weight better than I do. I'm relatively small
and when I gained 10 lbs the whole church had me pregnant when I was just
gaining weight because my husband was always away from home on church business
and I turned to food for company. At one point things got so bad
at the church and at home that I found myself on my knees praying to God
literally saying,"Can I go now? Can I go now? Can I go now?" Each
time He answered me with a firm "No." My marriage was a mess.
My husband and I barely spoke. And please don't mention sex.
We haven't touched in months. But you know I have learned something
very important, PRAY! It is the only thing that helps to comfort
me. And believe it or not, things are beginning to turn around for
me, my husband, our marriage and the ministry. While going through
this year I had no one at all to talk too. Who can you trust?
How can you tell another woman that you husband gets in the bed at night
and rolls over and falls asleep without even saying goodnight? As
their wives we certainly cannot talk to our fellow members because we all
know that a lot of them are just looking for a way to slander you or your
husband's name. So I just ate and ate until my clothes began to feel
tight and I no longer wanted to go home. But you know what ladies,
one day I fell down on my face and I began to pray and cry like never before.
Within two days God began to move on me and my situation. I stopped
eating, I asked for Him to send down His Comforter and He did! I
asked Him to change me and He is! I asked Him to mold me and make
me and He is! I'm not saying that things are just peachy, but I do
know this, I have peace within me now. I can stand on my own two
spiritual feet now. Glory be to God, I
am becoming who He wants
me to be and not who the church or my husband think I should be. Now, instead
of dread I look forward to serving the Lord and my husband.
You and your husband are being prayed for! Take comfort in knowing
you have complete stranger praying for you and your situation! Our
Lord is an awesome God!! The Lord wants us to be who He created not
who the church and society creates! Peace and love to you!
Feel free to e-mail me! (PS we are the same age!!) Contact Rock
Dove for e-mail address!
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High Calling 11/27/98
General comment...During this Thanksgiving week when all are turned to
think of how God has blessed, I have been convicted of how many in ministry
sometimes have difficulty in this area. Just read through all that
us ministry wives have shared on 5 pages! As I listened to the Thanksgiving
testimonies at church Wednesday night I saw how when we are well aware
of the sinfulness and weakness of ourselves, our husbands and our congregations
and are intimately acquainted with injustices against us and others we
face a roadblock to thankfulness for those people we are among. I
believe we must make a choice to look and see the abundance of riches which
God has given us in our churches, including those who may be a thorn in
our flesh. Maybe our response needs to be thankfulness to God for
the refining fire he has sent to us in the very people we see as our
hinderance and sometimes
our enemies,...God Bless you all and may endurance bring forth HIS righteousness
in our lives.
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PW Too 12/4/98
a pastor's wife I'm feeling that I don't have a pastor or a husband. Though
I have tried to be active in the church (one that my husband just started),
it seems that my input is categorized as biased because I'm the pastor's
wife. My husband doesn't seem to see any need for me as a member to be
informed on events or ask my opinion on much of anything. I don't feel
like a legitimate member of the church. To say the least it is causing
conflict between us and I feel lousy because I'm being a distraction to
him in the ministry. I trust that the Lord is doing a work in my life.
Please pray that I will not be stiff-necked or blind. I really need Him
to get me through this time of confusion,discouragement
High Calling 12/8/98
This is a common early problem women feel in the beginning years in ministry
and as a wife to a pastor. I have found that prayer for those things
has helped me in feeling a part. As the years go by, you will find
more and more of your private discussions will be a part of his decision
making. He may not say it is your ideas or give you any credit, but
because of our oneness with our husbands it is just as much from him.
It is an encouragement to see your effectiveness even though no
one else knows your influence.
I will pray for you remembering the same feelings as a young wife and yet
at times I still sometimes have those feelings. Also, I believe you
will never quite feel like one of the
I have longed to be just one of the congregation, but then I have been
encouraged by things Jill Briscoe has said and learned to thank God for
being a ministry wife even with all these peculiar problems that come with
this calling. It is an honor and a burden at the same time so chose
to focus on the honor and may we all make our lives a living sacrifice
with eternity in view rather than today. In regards to not being informed
of events, etc., that too is common. It is not a purposeful lack
of communication, but I think they think we have a special computer hook
up between them and us and we therefore know. Learn to ask if there
is anything happening. And don't be surprised when they spring something
on you the last minute because it will happen ie., "we are hosting a missionary
family for the weekend" and it's Friday morning! The Lord bless you
richly and fill you to overflowing with His Grace and Mercy!
You are in my prayers as I read your letter from Dec. 4. All I can
say is "God will supply all your needs." I know it sounds simple-but it's
true. I think the key is to focus on the Lord and his blessings instead
of what we'd like to change. It's a spiritual battle to fight off discouragement
and loneliness, but if we daily take up God's armor in Eph. 6, He'll help
us fight off these negative emotions.
Even if they're justifiable,
we can't dwell on them. The Lord has a purpose for you in that church and
He'll show you in time. Maybe the ministry isn't ready for you yet!
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Ida Rose 12/9/98
Wow! I prayed for a place I could pour my heart and find understanding
and, well . . . WOW. It looks like this may be the place. Sisters,
I need some encouragement. My husband left his mid-level management position
ten years ago to answer a life-long call to ministry. After graduating
from seminary in 1993 he accepted his first church as an ordained minister
(he served two churches part-time during seminary). He served that church
from 1993-1997. I can barely read all the posts about conflict within churches
w/o feeling nauseated -- it brings back so much pain. The conflicts were
many: traditional vs. contemporary worship, the proper theology of spiritual
gifts, how I fit into the congregation,
whether or not to remain
affiliated with our very liberal denomination. During those four years
I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and, praise God, have been in remission
since 1995. My husband resigned his position in Oct. of 1997. He
has been working as a psychiatric assistant at a psychiatric hospital.
He makes 1/3 of what we need to make ends meet. We have three small children
(8 year old twins, 5 year old). The financial pressures are enormous --
he's tried getting back in his line of work -- no luck. The denomination
helped last spring to pay our medical insurance (it's kind of frightening
to go w/o cancer checks because there's no medical insurance) but other
than that there has been NO support -- at all. My husband's been actively
searching for a position for 8 mos now. But he's like a fish out of water
-- an evangelical burdened-for-the-lost minister with liberal credentials.
There is literally no one I can talk to and share this desolate place with.
I know God is in this. But it's been SSSSOOOO long. We've wondered if we've
been set aside by the Lord from ministry, but there have been several confirmations
that that is not the case. It would be so helpful just to know that some
of you out there would pray for us. I have never felt so alone in my life.
Even when I faced cancer as the mother of three preschoolers I felt loved
and cared for. The ongoing sense of rejection is almost unbearable.
I know that God is using this circumstance to draw me close to Him in more
intimate ways -- I treasure that deepening of my relationship with Jesus.
But at the same time it's tough and it would be great to know someone just
understands. Thanks for "listening." Blessings.
is one of the most difficult activities (or lack thereof)!! I admire
your coming out of the fire so well!! I don't sense any bitterness.
I can't say that I would have fared as well in your shoes. My prayer
for you is that the Lord would give direction and wisdom. Perhaps
this is a time for the minister to be ministered to. It's o.k. not
to be ministering 100% of the time. It sounds like your lives could
use some refreshment. Drink deeply from God's word. This will
have a twofold effect. One, it will encourage you. Isn't discouragement
one of our greatest enemies in the ministry? Two, if you have any
doubts about what you believe about the issues you mentioned, the Lord
will surely answer through his word as you seek Him. Also--please
know that there are as many flavors of churches and ministries as there
are people. There are many denominations, types of worship, theological
positions, etc. There is a bigger church family than just that one
denomination. Jeremiah tells us that the Lord has a plan for us, plans
for good. (Does anyone know chapter and verse?) Jeremiah 29:11
I think this is true for you guys, it's just a matter of finding where
you should shepherd in God's pasture. Hold on to the fact that no
matter what happens, whether you continue in the same denomination, leave
the ministry altogether, or are led to another church, if you've put your
faith in Christ, He will never leave you nor forsake you. You are
still His precious child. Praying that He will restore your soul,
provide for your physical needs, give guidance, and hold you close.
Mollie 4/4/99 We
also serve a very liberal denomination (although the local church is not
quite so liberal) as an evangelical couple. While the heirarchy of
the denomination is such that they cannot put my husband out of his ministry,
they can affect the local church's feelings. Right now, our congregation
is very positive overall but we wonder when his Biblical teaching is going
to push them over the edge. Actually, in that vein though, it is
amazing how receptive many of our parishaners have been receptive to biblical
teaching. Its not so much that they've bought the liberal lines but
just that they never have heard anything else. They are curious and
facinated. We will pray for your continued recovery and your financial
difficulties. The Lord be with you and keep you.
Cindy 12/9/98 Many
of you have mentioned books regarding the Pastor's Wife. I have tried
to get them at my local Christian Bookstore and they are unable to order
them. Can you give me any suggestions on how to get in touch with
the publishers? They have told me that many of the names must be
print. Is there
a local bookstore that I may contact in your area? I know that many
writers keep books in their areas only. Please help. I need
to read a few more books on this subject. Thanks for the help.
High Calling 12/10/98
you tried Christian Book Distributors(CBD)? For the out of print
books you may be able to do a book search through a service Barnes and
Noble have. Hope this helps. I know some of the bookjs I have
had for 17 years! Western Conservative Seminary has a book service
as well that you might find on the web.
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Kay 12/11/98 Response
to many items above. As a pastor's wife for 33 years, I have been
just where you are. Don't focus on the disgruntled of the church.
Find those that truly love the Lord and fellowship with them. For
your best friend, find another pastor's wife in the area or a friend outside
the church that you can share honestly with then it doesn't involve your
husband's "business." Do you ever think about what a doctor's wife
does, or any other professional's wife. NO. So why should we
be the focus. Yes, we are an example. An example to the Lord.
A wonderful Deacon's wife from our congregation told me once. The
pastor's kids are sometimes bad and it's because they follow the example
of the Deacon's kids. I don't like putting the husband/pastor in
the middle of the problems. Seek other counsel. Do what is pleasing
unto the Lord and makes you feel your are doing what He wills for you--some
will like it, some won't no matter what you do.
I have been a pastor's wife
for 33 years. It is wonderful - it is horrible. I constantly
remind myself that I am Glen's wife first and that his work is the pastorate.
I am also a school library media-specialist and very active in sponsoring
extra-curricular events for students. We have 5 children 4 grown
and our baby is a Freshman in high school. Our first daughter is
getting married in May. I would appreciate some help and ideas for
a talk I am to give at our church's district meeting in August. My
theme is Care and Feeding of Pastors. Some of my audience will be
pastor's wives but I also hope to reach church members who can "minister"
to their pastors. Let me know you thoughts and what you would say
if you were expressing your thoughts. Thanks
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AM NINETEEN YEARS OLD AND I AM DATING A STUDENT PASTOR,WHO ALSO PREACHES
IN TWO RURAL CHURCHES IN ILLINOIS. THE PROBLEM I AM HAVING IS THAT
I AM IN ARIZONA AND I AM SOMEWHAT LONELY. HE IS SO BUSY WITH SCHOOL
AND WORK THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO REALLY THINK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.
I AM LEFT WONDERING WHERE THIS IS GOING TO GO BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE THE
TIME OR MONEY TO MAKE THE COMMITMENT TO ME. BEFORE HE LEFT FOR ILLINOIS
WE TALKED ABOUT GETTING MARRIED IN JUNE, BUT NOW JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT
MAKES HIM CRINGE BECAUSE HE WOULD BE BRINGING ME INTO AN UNSTABLE SITUATION.
WHAT DO I DO AND WHAT ARE SOME WAYS THAT I CAN SUPPORT HIM EVEN THOUGH
HE IS SO FAR AWAY. I NEED HELP SOON!
High Calling 12/21/98
Janelle..I would encourage you to give the future and the present results
of this relationship to the LORD with "no strings attached." You
can encourage him through prayer and letters and giving him freedom.
I would also encourage you to read some of Elisabeth Elliot's book such
PASSION AND PURITY and also
QUEST FOR LOVE. These could be very helpful to you. The other
action I would recommend if for you to use this time to deepen your relationship
with the LORD and get to know some older women that you could learn from
(discipleship type relationship) as well as become involved in ministering
in your local church. Being busy among other believers will surely
take care of that loneliness problem and will be enriching to your life
and others. Keep us posted on how you are doing, Janelle. May Grace
and Peace be yours in fullest measure!
of all, keep first things first. Nurture your relationship with the
Lord, through prayer and the word. Use your time apart to grow strong
spiritually, making Jesus your very best friend. This is the greatest
thing you could do as anyone's future mate, especially a minister!!
Pray for God's timing--there is a season when we are "in the wilderness",
as John the Baptist was, being prepared for future ministry. Find
out what God wants to teach you, and learn those lessons well. What
a sweetheart you are for desiring to encourage. The best way is through
prayer. Other ways are through short notes, scripture s you find
while praying for him, assuring him of God's steadfast love for him, and
your own support of his faithfulness to the call. Be sure to tell
him (sincerely) when you see positive things happening in his life or ministry.
They need SOMEONE to tell them when they do something right. The
greatest gift you can give him is your prayer, and keeping your own walk
with the Lord strong.
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