Mollie  4/4/99  I am also a pastor's wife in a rural setting in a church of 30-40 attending members.  All of the ladies in my church are above 55 (most of them are closer to 70).  Their last pastor's wife was in her late fifties and many were close friends with her.  I on the other hand am 31 and the mom of a toddler.  As you can guess, while the ladies have been very sweet and good to me, we don't have a lot in common.  They seem hurt that I don't spend as much time with them as the last pastor's wife.  I am involved with the women's minstry and other things but being 'buddies' with someone your grandmother's age is hard. I have found that in my prayer life I have to be forced to look outward (or upward) more because it would be easy to feel sorry for myself. I also have found that I must not compare myself to other pastor wives.  I would love to chat with you sometime if your still feeling lonely and want to talk.  It would be great to be able to share with someone my own age who is having similar experiences.

Shy  8/28/98  Leigh Ann - I also am having a hard time talking to people at the church my husband is youth pastor at.  We don't know anyone in the area - we moved to a different state.  I am very shy in person, and have a hard time relating with any of the women in the church.  I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom, but I thought it might be nice to know that you are not alone.  Feel free to e-mail me at:  SharkBaity@aol.com

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Kerry  12/31/98  First, I think perhaps the differences aren't as great as you believe.  I am Southern Baptist, but I've noticed the same thing (separatism and "one up-manship" in the predominantly white full-gospel, non-denominational churches.  I don't live there any more, but the city I am from has a good
number of these churches (some very good teaching ones and African American ones as well).  The thing they seem to have in common is there size.  Very large churches.  The other churches in the area seem to be struggling, smaller congregations.  The work these churches could do in that city if they would band together is beyond comprehension!  God has planted a number of strong churches there that seem to be aloof rather than working together for the Word of God to be spread.  I believe that the whole idea of being "nondenominational" lends itself to this mindframe.  Denominations have churches that work well together because part of who they are is in another body of believers.  I am not saying that nondenominational churches are bad, nor am I saying that those belonging to a specific denomination are good.  WHO you are affiliated with does not matter as long as you are true to WHO you are preaching and teaching.  It is the Word of God that must reign supreme as the mission of the church.  Not the Southern Baptists or Free Methodists or any other denomination.

Pat  1/4/99 Kerry, I asked for a thoughtful response and you have certainly provided one.  Thank you for answering.  You make a valid point that if the "independent" churches banded together, we could do an awesome work for the Lord.  Therein lies the problem.  Exactly HOW do we accomplish this?  I agree with you totally that we must be clear on WHO we are preaching.  I also believe that fellowship and connecting with other believers is critical regardless of denomination or ethnicity. The problem is, it's not
happening and that bothers me.  We have attempted to reach out and will continue to do that, however, I am convinced it will take a sovereign move of God to shake the city I'm in!  Please pray for us and pass on any other insights.  I truly appreciate it.
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High Calling  9/5/98 I can relate to your question regarding being a family in your church.  Our family is 4 1/2 days drive away so we don't see them very often!  I would encourage you to continuing inviting people from church over.  In fact, you can make it a part of your homeschooling curriculum.  I don't know if your children are boys or girls, but they can learn about the practicalities of running a home and practicing hospitality.  You might even look for a widow or widower whom you can have as a surrogate grandparent.  Your children can benefit from their friendship and you can have the sense of having family in.  You could even do a lunch once a week or every other week and allow the children to plan, prepare and serve.  It is typical that your family will probably do the inviting and not receive that, but don't let that discourage you from hospitality.  Realize you are being an example as well to others.
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High Calling  9/8/98 What a wonderful act of love you have shown by just asking the question!  I would encourage you to never sacrifice your responsibility to your family on the altar of keeping the church happy or hoping to prevent criticisms.  Don't always say "No" to family and "Yes" to the church or easily cancel family plans when the people of the church ask.  Then when a church family really needs you, your family will gladly and prayerfully free you up to minister to that family.  You will give your wife and children great security by not only making plans with them BUT in keeping them and they will not need to hold on to you so tightly that you feel pulled in opposite directions.  They will in turn become your biggest prayer warriors!

RaChelle  9/8/98  Your concern is valid.  There are some great resources if your looking for ideas....Bill and Pam Farrel have written several books you may find useful....Marriage in the Whirlwind, Love to Love You, Pure Pleasure, Let Her Know You Love Her, and Pam has written one for women, Women of Influence that your wife would probably love.   Also the Arp's have a lot of stuff for couples.  Bill and Pam are in full time ministry in San Diego, California, so their stuff is a little more feasible for ministry couples.  Your local bible book store can order them if they don't carry the books, or you can go online with Christian Book Distributors, and order from them.  Good luck!   And second, from the perspective of a pastor's wife, one of the greatest stresses in our marriage has been the amount of time that my husband spends on-line.  Beware, and be discerning!

Judy  6/6/00 Please DO NOT always put your family on hold for your church.  My husband did this at our first church.  We could never have a family night or any  private time.  God gave you your family and he expects you to take care of them and that doesn't mean just with money or  "things".  Time with you is
very important and something that can never be replaced.  It took my husband a long time to understand this learn from his mistake.

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High Calling  9/17/98 I believe you echoed many of the hearts that read this support board.  Often I have wanted to leave the states because of the way we in the church behave.  It definitely redirects our attention away from the ministry of the gospel.  I have at times felt like many who want to leave the ministry.  I feel so grieved at that time because for so many years ministry was the joy of my heart.  I know that we are not to letour present circumstance to control us but we should be able to echo with the apostle Paul  "for the love of Christ controls us..."Your entry itself was an encouragement to me to cause my focus to be turned back yet again to the purpose of our calling.  Thank you immensely.  May we be faithful to "encourage one another and all the more as we see the day drawing near.."

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Peg  10/31/98 I just finished reading a book you may find helpful - A Joy I'd Never Known, by Jan Dravecky.  It deals with a battle against depression faced by the wife of a famous ball player. (Dave Dravecky)  Don't be afraid to share your testimony - so many people suffer from it, and God may use your experience to help and encourage others.  I hope you received the help you need - you have nothing to be ashamed of!!
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Mollie  4/4/99 It is possible to be a "non-traditional" pastor's wife and still be a helpmate to your husband (and, yes, you can keep your own identity too).  I live and work in a very rural area of KY where my
husband pastors a small congregation.   I teach school.  Working outside the home has a great many advantages.  1. I keep my identity and sanity. 2.My daughter gets out to play with friends at her sitters (there are no children her age in our church or neighborhood). 3. My husband WANTS me to work.  He actually feels more comfortable serving our church and feels free to teach Scripture without fear because I work.  If perchance the church was angered at any of his teaching, my job is secure and we wouldn't
completly be out in the cold.  Therefore, by working outside the home, I am providing for him and myself and our family.  Within the church, I do minister but in ways in which I feel God has gifted me.  I hate potlucks because I am not a traditional cook.  I don't sew....However, i read avidly and can share ideas in newsletters, I teach in the women's group and can be creative with my children's church program.  God didn't call all pastor's wives to look or be alike.  Just like all Christian's, He has gifted us each in different ways and calls us to serve as we are gifted.

Kay  11/8/98  If God has called your husband to the ministry, then he will not be happy until he is back using the gifts that God gave him.  I have been a Pastor's wife for over 11 years and was in missionary work in the states before that.  My husband and I are both called, He to be the Pastor and me to be a Pastor's wife.  Yes, there has been hard times, but if I were to trade off I would take the hard times.  The joy of serving the Lord is so great.  I can't imagine doing anything else.

Ema 12/28/98 Lea, I wonder if you've had to decide yet, and, if so, what was your decision? I can't say that my life as the wife of a Pastor has been 'bleak', not by any means!  One thing I will say is that one will have to spend an enormous amount of time talking to the Lord about 'things'. You may even have to go to The Potter's House - and it can get quite warm in there. I know this by experience.  I love our Ministry. I say 'our Ministry' because I believe that if God has called my husband to be a Pastor he has called me as well - are we not 'one'? I am to be his 'helpmeet' and whenever I have a question or complaint about that I go directly to the Chief and he somehow seems to have been able to change my way of thinking somehow!  Another 'thing' is that you may find that you have to learn if you haven't learned it yet - you'll have to learn how to have FAITH and what it means to have FAITH. Your relationship with God may take a swift curve in order to acquire FAITH. FAITH that God will use his very own 'treasury' to supply your financial needs at times. FAITH that he will find you an 'affordable' car, house etc.  FAITH that he will carry you through illness and/or disease.  God is Good and he is Faithful, Lea. If you have a willing heart and can learn to pray and read the Word and listen to his whisper you can do the 'job'. He knows your/my heart - just keep a clean heart before him. He'll help you. It's not an easy 'job'. It certainly not for the faint-hearted.  But, even those - if the Lord has called 'em - can be strengthened by the Lord.  It will be rewarding - IF this is where the Lord is indeed calling you. God grant you his wisdom.
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Karen  11/12/98  You are in my prayers! Is there someone you know of, a mutual friend in the church or outside, who could talk with you and your husband to help him see what you see. If it is a problem for you, then it is something that needs to be dealt with, even if your husband and the Sr. Pastor don't recognize it. We all need to sit up our hedges and protect our marriages against even the appearance of
a questionable relationship. There is a book that deals with that-I think it's called Hedges (or something like that!). Most importantly, the Holy Spirit is our Intercessor, and you can pray for him to open your husband's eyes to see your concern.

Candy  11/18/98  Karen, I did get the counselling and I am praying and God is doing it.  Thank you for your input.  God is so faithful.  Continue to pray for us.  I will be adding those prayers for the week that someone gave to us too.
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Cathy  11/14/98  Karen, My husband and I went to a Family Life Today weekend at the end of September.  It was great! You do not share publicly. We had three speakers.  They shared their experiences. You are given a workbook that you fill in as you go through the seminar. The Friday night deals with threats to oneness in your marriage.  Friday night an eye opener. I've wanted to go for a couple of year and this year I got a chance to attend.  The Holy Spirit ministered to both of us on an issue that we had not discussed for a while.  We heard the same answer although we were in different sessions. The Sunday morning sessions are gender based and deal with your role as wife and mother.  I had fun and the hotel was nice.  Enjoy the weekend with your "sweetness."
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Rock Dove Publications  Please contact us for Kay's e-mail address.
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Laura  11/17/98  Jen- I understand everything you say!  Being married to a pastor is very hard-- but you have to remember that you are not married to the pastor- but to the man he is!  I have been married 5 years to a pastor--the first year was the hardest- 1- because we were newly married and 2- because we moved away from everyone I knew.  I continue to have have the desire for friends around me, but I am learning to make the best of things.  My best friends include my husband and my mother (who lives 300 miles away).  Things will get better.  I feel it is best to only do the things at church I want to do-- not what everyone expects me to do :))  Continue to COMMUNICATE with your husband- plan to spend dinner time together at least 4 nights a week.  Before we married I talked with a ministers wife of 45 years-  she told me they sit down together at least 5 nights a week- do NOT answer the telephone and no tv.  Dinner lasts an hour which includes doing the dishes together.  Her husband did not plan meetings around dinner time either (lest she become upset).  This was a ritual when they were raising their family and was very rewarding.  Keep your chin up and remember how wonderful your husband is.  Tension is NORMAL.  Feel free to email me.  Contact Rock Dove Publications for the address.
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Laura  11/18/98  No, you are not the only pastor's wife in the world with a career of your own!  I have worked in the "real world" at every church we have been to.  Unfortunately for me we have been at 4 churches in the last 4 years!  This does not look good on a resume.  I ran a business for 2 yrs, was a sales director for a year and now am working as an office manager.  I have little cooking skills, do not teach Sunday School, play the piano or sing (except in a crowd).  As we near Y2K- the role of a pastor's wife is changing.  When we were in rural WV- it was very much frowned upon be our parishioners that I work- but I was not going to stay home, have babies, can the food they brought me, etc.   This does not
mean that I do not care about the people in the congregation- I have my own life that helps me have my own identity- VERY IMPORTANT:))  I do a lot of behind the scenes work that no one is aware that I did- they just wonder who cleaned the library, who types the "different" pages to the newsleter, etc.  Find what YOU want to do- to not let other people tell you what to do-- you are setting the role of all future pastor's wives at your parish!  Hope to hear from you!

Ema 12/29/98  Michelle, actually, if we are 'one' with our husbands you may have two careers, then.
our husbands 'helpmeet'. As for the traditional skills - these can be acquired. I know that I wasn't born knowing how to cook. In fact, I pull out the good ol' Cookbook many times - even to set the table! Many of the women at church sing much prettier than I, but I do love to sing. As for teaching - I used to be the quietest little lady on the whole planet, I was so shy! And, you know what? God changed that - I asked him to help me and he did. I teach now. Not only children but the women of the church. The Lord supplies, Michelle. He fills in what we aren't yet equipped with. He can also change the way you think - I once thought that I would let my husband be the Pastor all by himself because I thought it was 'his job'. I
realized though, that it's mine too being that we are 'one', no? If we really do have an 'open heart', really want to do 'God's will', have a 'contrite spirit' the Lord will see to it that we are happy in what we are
doing.  I believe this with all my heart. How do we find our niche? You can ask the Lord to quide you. To open doors and to help you. You can be such a blessing to your husband and to your church. Women see needs better than men.  It's really important, though, to seek the Lord in regards to your niche in
the church.
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Laura  11/20/98  You and your husband are being prayed for!  Take comfort in knowing you have complete stranger praying for you and your situation!  Our Lord is an awesome God!!  The Lord wants us to be who He created not who the church and society creates!  Peace and love to you!  Feel free to e-mail me!  (PS we are the same age!!) Contact Rock Dove for e-mail address!
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High Calling  12/8/98  This is a common early problem women feel in the beginning years in ministry and as a wife to a pastor.  I have found that prayer for those things has helped me in feeling a part.  As the years go by, you will find more and more of your private discussions will be a part of his decision making.  He may not say it is your ideas or give you any credit, but because of our oneness with our husbands it is just as much from him.  It is an encouragement to see your effectiveness even though no
one else knows your influence.  I will pray for you remembering the same feelings as a young wife and yet at times I still sometimes have those feelings.  Also, I believe you will never  quite feel like one of the
congregation.  Sometimes I have longed to be just one of the congregation, but then I have been encouraged by things Jill Briscoe has said and learned to thank God for being a ministry wife even with all these peculiar problems that come with this calling.  It is an honor and a burden at the same time so chose to focus on the honor and may we all make our lives a living sacrifice with eternity in view rather than today. In regards to not being informed of events, etc., that too is common.  It is not a purposeful lack of communication, but I think they think we have a special computer hook up between them and us and we therefore know.  Learn to ask if there is anything happening.  And don't be surprised when they spring something on you the last minute because it will happen ie., "we are hosting a missionary family for the weekend" and it's Friday morning!  The Lord bless you richly and fill you to overflowing with His Grace and Mercy!

KC  12/9/98  You are in my prayers as I read your letter from Dec. 4.  All I can say is "God will supply all your needs." I know it sounds simple-but it's true. I think the key is to focus on the Lord and his blessings instead of what we'd like to change. It's a spiritual battle to fight off discouragement and loneliness, but if we daily take up God's armor in Eph. 6, He'll help us fight off these negative emotions.
Even if they're justifiable, we can't dwell on them. The Lord has a purpose for you in that church and He'll show you in time. Maybe the ministry isn't ready for you yet!
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Yvette  12/28/98 Waiting is one of the most difficult activities (or lack thereof)!!  I admire your coming out of the fire so well!!  I don't sense any bitterness. I can't say that I would have fared as well in your shoes.  My prayer for you is that the Lord would give direction and wisdom.  Perhaps this is a time for the minister to be ministered to.  It's o.k. not to be ministering 100% of the time.  It sounds like your lives could use some refreshment.  Drink deeply from God's word.  This will have a twofold effect.  One, it will encourage you.  Isn't discouragement one of our greatest enemies in the ministry?  Two, if you have any doubts about what you believe about the issues you mentioned, the Lord will surely answer through his word as you seek Him.  Also--please know that there are as many flavors of churches and ministries as there are people.  There are many denominations, types of worship, theological positions, etc.  There is a bigger church family than just that one denomination. Jeremiah tells us that the Lord has a plan for us, plans for good.  (Does anyone know chapter and verse?) Jeremiah 29:11  I think this is true for you guys, it's just a matter of finding where you should shepherd in God's pasture.  Hold on to the fact that no matter what happens, whether you continue in the same denomination, leave the ministry altogether, or are led to another church, if you've put your faith in Christ, He will never leave you nor forsake you.  You are still His precious child.  Praying that He will restore your soul,  provide for your physical needs, give guidance, and hold you close.

Mollie  4/4/99 We also serve a very liberal denomination (although the local church is not quite so liberal) as an evangelical couple.  While the heirarchy of the denomination is such that they cannot put my husband out of his ministry, they can affect the local church's feelings.  Right now, our congregation is very positive overall but we wonder when his Biblical teaching is going to push them over the edge.  Actually, in that vein though, it is amazing how receptive many of our parishaners have been receptive to biblical teaching.  Its not so much that they've bought the liberal lines but just that they never have heard anything else.  They are curious and facinated.  We will pray for your continued recovery and your financial difficulties. The Lord be with you and keep you.

High Calling  12/10/98 Cindy...Have you tried Christian Book Distributors(CBD)?  For the out of print books you may be able to do a book search through a service Barnes and Noble have.  Hope this helps.  I know some of the bookjs I have had for 17 years!  Western Conservative Seminary has a book service as well that you might find on the web.
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I have been a pastor's wife for 33 years.  It is wonderful - it is horrible.  I constantly remind myself that I am Glen's wife first and that his work is the pastorate.  I am also a school library media-specialist and very active in sponsoring extra-curricular events for students.  We have 5 children 4 grown and our baby is a Freshman in high school.  Our first daughter is getting married in May.  I would appreciate some help and ideas for a talk I am to give at our church's district meeting in August.  My theme is Care and Feeding of Pastors.  Some of my audience will be pastor's wives but I also hope to reach church members who can "minister" to their pastors.  Let me know you thoughts and what you would say if you were expressing your thoughts.  Thanks
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High Calling  12/21/98  Janelle..I would encourage you to give the future and the present results of this relationship to the LORD with "no strings attached."  You can encourage him through prayer and letters and giving him freedom.  I would also encourage you to read some of Elisabeth Elliot's book such as
PASSION AND PURITY and also QUEST FOR LOVE.  These could be very helpful to you.  The other action I would recommend if for you to use this time to deepen your relationship with the LORD and get to know some older women that you could learn from (discipleship type relationship) as well as become involved in ministering in your local church.  Being busy among other believers will surely take care of that loneliness problem and will be enriching to your life and others.  Keep us posted on how you are doing, Janelle. May Grace and Peace be yours in fullest measure!

Yvette  12/28/98 First of all, keep first things first.  Nurture your relationship with the Lord, through prayer and the word.  Use your time apart to grow strong spiritually, making Jesus your very best friend.  This is the greatest thing you could do as anyone's future mate, especially a minister!!  Pray for God's timing--there is a season when we are "in the wilderness", as John the Baptist was, being prepared for future ministry.  Find out what God wants to teach you, and learn those lessons well.  What a sweetheart you are for desiring to encourage.  The best way is through prayer.  Other ways are through short notes, scripture s you find while praying for him, assuring him of God's steadfast love for him, and your own support of his faithfulness to the call.  Be sure to tell him (sincerely) when you see positive things happening in his life or ministry.  They need SOMEONE to tell them when they do something right.  The greatest gift you can give him is your prayer, and keeping your own walk with the Lord strong.
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