Lynn  8/6/99  I thought I was the only person in a situation like mine.  Got married to an assistant to the pastor/elder at 38, who also had three children, moved to his home, his church! Talk about challenge...and wondering what the Lord had in mind for me after coming from a mega church to a 200 person congregation...I appreciate the book recommendation you gave, I will most certainly read it...How did you finally "fit in"?  And more importantly to you and anyone else out there, what do you do about the
concern about confidentiality and who you can share your own burdens with? Particularly when it involves your wifely challenges about your pastor husband and his second wife?

Carol  5/26/98  Terry, not long ago our Minister of Music became angry with me because I refused to play in a wedding.  I am the church pianist.  This anger lasted for two weeks and was noticed by one of the deacons who came to me asking what was wrong.  Since it was obvious he was angry, I decided to confront him to which he responded with more anger.  My husband, the pastor, spoke privately with him and asked him to acknowledge his sour attitude.  My husband concluded by saying, "Please, don't forget, she's not just the pianist, she is the pastor's wife, she is my wife."  Yes, your husband should continue to function as your husband.  He is here to protect you and should do so even in the face of church members.  He is not married to them, he is married to you.  Speak with your husband about allowing church members to abuse you.  Tell him that the two of you need to present a united front.  You are not just a pew warmer.  You are this man's wife.  My husband agrees.

Lori  5/13/98  Ann, I will be praying for you.  I know, being a pastor's wife is very hard sometimes.  People seem to separate us and think we should be treated differently, like we are so "holy."  We are really just regular humans that need love, friends, and attention!  I'm sorry about your husband.  Have you tried to sit him down and talk to him about your feelings?  Try to do this and tell him how serious your situation is.  Pray first and ask the Holy Spirit to lead everything you say and to prepare your husband's heart.  As I said before, I will be praying for you!

Pat  11/2/98  Whew!! I got tired just reading your note.  Obviously your plate is full.  I have felt the same way many times and sometimes felt like a failure because I couldn't "just do it."  Thank God, He delivered me from that guilt trip.  This is what helped me.  (1) You can't please everybody or meet everyone's needs so don't try.  Prioritize and plan your activities for the day.  Be realistic.  Concentrate on the top 3 things and push yourself to accomplish those.  Unexpected things do come up, so don’t beat yourself up if you don't accomplish everything on your list in one day.  Roll it over to the next day. (2) Do not let people in the church steal your time.  If you are busy, say so (nicely) and tell them you'll get back to them. Make sure you keep your word and follow up.  (3) Carve out some "just me" time every week.  Even if it's just an hour in the morning or evening. What you do with that hour is between you and God but DO take it. It will refresh you and help you endure the tasks ahead. (4) I know you love your grandchildren...I have one too and love him to pieces BUT, I do not allow my daughter to disrupt my plans unless it is absolutely CRITICAL!!  You are in ministry, Glenna, and this requires that your time be respected and valued. (5) Make time for your mother.  I don't care how you do it, but you must do this.  Everyday you have her is a blessing. You may have to use some of your "just me" time.(6) Last but not least, the housework.  Boy, do I hear you loud and clear.  At least you have your members trained not to come over unexpectedly.  My husband invites folks over at the drop of a hat!  Tells them "no problem, if you see our car in the driveway, come on over!"  I have been unsuccessful in training HIM!  Since I am not Susie Homemaker, I have had to adopt a survival plan to ensure that the house looks decent when folks drop by.  The secret is surface clean Mon-Fri...deep clean early Sat. morning.  I try to make sure the living room, kitchen and bathroom is neat.  I close the bedroom door if the room is messy.  If you're not allergic to scents, use concentrated room spray and put some Pine-Sol on a damp sponge and wipe the door your company comes in and the wall facing it.  The smell of pine always makes people think your house is spotless, even though its not.  Well, I hope this helps.  Hang in there!

RaChelle  9/29/98 Lonely Lady, are you still out there?  I'm a bit disturbed that there have been no response postings to your cry.  I can't say that I know what it's like for you, but I am praying for you, and if you need a friend, I am here for you.  Please, if you read this, contact me and update me on your
situation.  Please know that I have no condemnation for  you, only love.

Mollie  4/3/99 Today is the first day I've been on the Pastor's Wife support page and I was saddened that only one person has responded to your message-I hope you haven't given up hope in watching for support.  Please know that I have prayed for you.  I am so sorry for your situation.  I do know that the God who sent His Son to us has not left you alone.  One of my favorite Bible passages that teaches the faithfulness of God and how to hold to Him in times of trouble is Habbakuk 3:17-19: Though the fig tree
does not bud, and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails, and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, YET I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.  The Sovreign Lord is my strength. HE MAKES MY FEET LIKE THE FEET OF THE DEER, HE ENABLES ME TO GO ONTO THE HEIGHTS.  Praying for you, sister!

Joyce  6/15/98  Do you have any suggestions or ideas about support for a PASTOR'S HUSBAND?  We have been married a little over two years and I see us falling into the same problems I see my friends have who are pastor's wives...we see our marriage and ministry as team work but he gives so much that there is beginning to be an expectation that he will do ALL the little things that need to be done.  I worry he will burn himself out in an attempt to support my ministry.  He has no peers close by as I am the only woman pastor in a rural area.  Might there be a little corner for Pastor's Husbands to share as well?

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Sarah  6/17/98  I'm a pastor's wife and am struggling with a few things.  We've been in the ministry for about 12 of our 17 years of marriage.  We have 5 children and I've always homeschooled them.  I'm having a difficult time forgiving and trusting my husband.  He has an explosive temper and when it goes off, a biting tongue.  He'll ask for forgiveness after a blow up, but I am having a difficult time trusting him right now.  He also works 7 days a week, taking an hour off here or there.  I feel as if I've been raising the kids alone.  We've talked about this, but I don't see a great deal of change.  If he does show up, he will come home to put the two youngest to bed then go back to the church.  I'm concerned about my attitude in this as I'm dreaming about how wonderful it would be if he were out of the picture.  How great if he died and I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore.  I know this isn't right, but I'm hurt and confused and feel the church is his mistress.

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Kay  7/1/98 Oh, I wish I could talk to you face to face.  You are so strong to continue to support your husband and yet not feel the call.  Don't you realize that God calls all of us to work for Him.  We all have a ministry whether we have a title of Pastor's wife or not.  God called us as Christians to go, not sit.  When you realize that you no longer have to work under a title, but under a Great God the pressure is off. Don't let the expectations of what being a Pastor's Wife should be.  Pray that God will show you what YOU should be and do.  Then you will feel the call.  I'll pray for you.  KAY

Debby  7/6/98 Not Called, I can sit here and tell you that not only did I not feel called to the ministry when my husband left a 15 year career in law enforcement, but today 6 years and 2 churches later I still don't feel called to paid ministry. But I felt then and even more now that I have been called to be his wife. That means I'm a cop's wife when he was in law enforcement and I'm a pastor's wife now. But what that allows me is the freedom to see myself first and foremost as his wife and my kids mother.  That is where my ministry priorities are. So I do what I am able to make his job easier and I continue to do the ministry in the church that I did as a lay person.  I have taken a spiritual gifts test so I know where my strengths are and try very hard to work within those gifts. Seeing myself as his wife and not the pastor's wife allows me not to take on everyone else's expectations of my role. I believe that God will honor your commitment to our husband and your support of his call.  Pray for God's peace and know that there are great churches out there that you won't get so beat up in. God will heal your hurt if you will turn it over to Him. Are you ready to let it go? Sometimes that's the hardest part for me. Stay close to your Heavenly Father and open to your husband. You are in my prayers.

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PW  7/6/98 I was so moved by your letter that I felt compelled to respond.  I, too am a pastor's wife of almost 6 years in a ministry we founded.  We also have a young child at home age 7.  I was struck by your statement that God had purposed your life to be one of caring for everyone else, but not being cared for yourself.  That is a trap that many pastor's wives fall into.  It is a trap that sets us up to be tempted as you are being tempted by the old boyfriend.  God's perfect will is that our husbands love us as Christ loved the church.  Sounds like God's purpose is that we not only care for others, but that WE as wives  be cared for also.  This is not selfish...it is God's plan.  We are much more effective (and happy) helpers in the ministry when our husbands follow God's plan.  Having said that, what should you do?  Your letter indicates there is a breakdown in communication.  The answer is very simple.  You've heard it before.  It is a process and it will take time.  The answer is to pray specifically. This is a principle that many women miss.  We are so quick to tell each other, pray sister, pray. Well I am learning to pray SPECIFICALLY.  I mean literally pray the answer (the Word) to God.  When I run into a brick wall with my husband (happens more often with pastors than most people can imagine), I try very hard not to get upset, brow beat him, or feel sorry for myself (my previous reactions).  I get on my face before my heavenly Father and I ask Him specifically what I desire of my husband.  For example, there was a time when my husband didn't listen to my opinions...it was his way or no way.  Well this got to be a real irritation, especially since we were supposed to be a team in the ministry.  I began to ask the Father to please
touch his heart and open up his ears to HEAR me.  I also asked the Father if there was something in ME that needed to be changed, please show me what it is and help me get victory over it. (Don't just focus on your husband, but turn the spotlight on you too.)  It took time, but I  watched him turn that man's mind and behavior 180 degrees.  It was amazing.  I shouldn't have been surprised because God cares so much for his daughters and it is time we talked to our Father like we really know Him.  One other piece of advice that you didn't ask for. Please, don't spend time with the ex-boyfriend.  The enemy will show you
everything positive about him and everything negative about your husband.  You have something special that the enemy wants to destroy.  Fight for it on your knees.  Please keep me posted on your progress.  God Bless You!

Torn  7/6/98  I thank you for your encouragement and your advice.  I receive all of it and have gone to God in prayer specifically for some issues. I have even tried to resist spending time with my ex-boyfriend.
You're correct, my spending time with my ex (who is a minister) makes me feel in ways that I never have with my husband.  You see, my husband, although a pastor is struggling with issues of his sexual identity. He has and continues to have homosexual encounters.  Yes, I know this for a fact.  So you see, the few times a year that he does touch me, it feels forced.  And yes, Jesus commissioned husbands to love their wives as He loved the church.  That does not mean that we should settle for having to hear our
husbands publicly profess their love for us, but knowing that there is nothing behind it.  I know I am not perfect and there are things that God is still doing in me, but how can I continue to uphold and support someone who is just words?  Last year he kept telling the entire congregation about how badly he wants a daughter, the whole time (for over a year and 1/2) he had never even attempted to touch me.  Even when he does touch me it feels forced and mechanical.  However, I know that he was active the other way.  No, the physical aspect of our relationship is not the only thing that counts, but like Corinthians teaches us that if there is no love, it is like a sounding brass and a tinkling cymbal.  I am at the point now where I feel if I don't leave, he will never change. He must change, if not for me, for the sake of the Gospel.

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vicky  1/25/02 Hi, I'm responding to your letter. I believe the time has come for your husband to step out on the Lord and begin his own ministry. So many times we do what people wants us to do. God may have shut the door to open a new one in the way that God wants him to go. The bible does speak that we cannot build on another mans foundation, so I believe it's time for your husband to look around and begin his own ministry. I believe God has already given him a name for the church. So all the resumes in the world will not help if he's not going in the direction of the Lord.He has his own members to teach and lead into the right direction. God Bless and I hope he takes this advice.Tell him to search God even the more for direction I'm sure he will get the right answer.
 

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Rock Dove Publications  7/7/98 We have a page called Pages of Interest to Pastor's Wives.  On this we have links that we have found.  Let us know of any you have found and we'll put them on.

Carole  3/7/01  In response to other sites (yet I hope by now you know how to use the search engine of your computer): type in "pastors wives". I came up with over 50 sites. You just need the time to seive through to what applies to you.  I love being the wife of my pastor husband.  We have been in the ministry together for almost 30 years!  wow!

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Connie  7/20/98  I would appreciate getting the prospective of pastors' wives on an issue.  I belong to a large church (over 3,000) and my daughter dates the senior pastor's son.  I have intentionally pursued activities that don't put me in direct contact with the pastor or his wife as I wish to respect everyone's privacy.  We all get along fine and respect one another.  I have been having two problems: I have been privy to a lot of details about the home life  and of course their son's character through my daughter.  Sometimes the pastor gives examples from his children's lives during sermons and they are in direct contrast to what I know is the truth.  I have trouble with this because the pastor therefore gives the illusion that some rules or guidelines for parenting are being followed by him when I know they are not.  I really wish he would not discuss his kids' or his own life during sermons if it is misleading people.  I have noticed that he sometimes omits the "stories"  at the service when his children or friends are typically in the audience.  This man is very distant and pastors with a strong hand - he intimidates even me!    Second, I can see the fishbowl existence that a pastor's family lives in, but it carries over to us too.  Some members of the congregation are examining us too!   This pastor is an international speaker and  author so we feel an obligation to protect his reputation.   Besides just smiling and claiming ignorance, do you have any suggestions?  It appears that my daughter and this young man will be at least very close throughout their college years, so this is long term.  It is amazing the interest that a teenage romance can generate.  I am not accustomed to this.  Thank you.

Mrs. Pastor  9/22/98 Dear Connie, I understand this problem well.  My husband who is a pastor is also a strong leader and could be very intimidating to just about anybody.  Nobody knows his tender side, his weakness and his problems like me.  It is all to easy to judge another before walking in their shoes.  I don't want to sound hard on you.  I just want you to search your own heart to see why these "little errors" mean so much to you.   If you read Prov. 11:13 it will help.

Pat  10/1/98  I agree with Mrs. Pastor that the congregation does not know all there is to know about the Pastor.  What appears to be intimidating is often the result of the Pastor having to take a strong stand and act firmly and decisively on matters that could harm the sheep.  Also, if he has a strong and assertive personality, this comes across a little scary to individuals who are more timid or mild mannered.  As much as we'd like them to be perfect, they're not.  Your question as to how you should respond when he tells misleading stories.  There are always two sides.  Are you certain that your daughter or his son are not telling YOU misleading things about the Pastor.  If you are absolutely certain, then my advice would be to continue to pray for your pastor.  Sometimes they try too hard to fit the image that people have of them and attempt to portray their family life in a way that fits that image.  In my opinion, this is not a "little error."  However, as Mrs. Pastor pointed out, we are not to judge, but we do have an obligation to pray.  Trust me, God will speak to him if his heart is open to hear.  Ok, about
your daughter dating the Pastor's son.  Wow, I think that's great, but you are right that people are watching you.  Get used to it because it goes with the territory.  My only advice is be yourself.  You have nothing to prove and same goes for your daughter.  Obviously she has something special that he looked in a congregation of 3000 and picked her!  Keep us posted.  You sound like a very perceptive and wise woman.

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