Pastor's Wives' Support Board

The purpose of this page is to support and encourage pastor's wives.  If you are a pastor's wife and have a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion, please fill out the form and click submit.  Responses will be added later.  Let's help each other!

Please also submit for our future book .  We are also planning a book for and about pastor's kids .  Please check this out if you were a pastor's kid - or have your child give us ideas!

Due to your great responses, we have made this Support Board into many different pages!  Make sure you read all of them!
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Lezza  8/1/2005  I can not believe I have FINALLY found a site where I can relate to OTHER preacher's wives out there. My husband pastor's a growing church in a fast growing community. We started with 8 people in our living room 4 years ago. Now we are running approximatley 60-70 and started a building project for a new sanctuary. It is TOUGH being a pastor's wife. We have three children, 5, 3 and a 4 month old. I am learning everyday that we can please everybody. There will ALWAYS be someone somewhere letting the devil rear his head in a situation. I am just glad that GOD is my judge and not other christians. My husband works full time, we run a small side business AND pastor's a church. So you can imagine how life is around this household- BUSY. I desire anyone's prayers or helpful hints in striving to be a preacher's wife. TRUST me I do know that I am being watched by many- but I wish other woman would understand that I am a woman, wife, mother too. Being pw can be very lonely place sometime- but I would not trade it for anything. Thank GOD for having someplace to share thoughts and meet others in the ministry.

PrayerChain  8/2/2005  I am thankful that I found this sight and my heart goes out to all of you! I have been a Pastor's wife for three years in a very small church. At times it is overwhelming with just the few people we have! I can't imagine what it would be like to work with hundreds of people but I know when and if the time comes, God will be there with us. I was saved on September 24, 1972 and I found out from the get go, that prayer works! People fail us, but God doesn't! He is always there for us no matter what. Nothing is too big or too small for Him! One day I had enough! I determined in my heart that I was going to have fun come Saturday or explode! I asked the Lord to have fun with me and here we went. I put a instrumental gospel tape in the tape deck of the car and took off. The Lord and I were the first customers at the salon. When the stylist called me over to her chair I noticed three scriptures on the wall - I had been there before and they weren't there - so I told her I liked them and the conversation started. Before I knew it we were talking and laughing and praising the Lord to the amazement of all the other women in the back of the shop who kept peeping out the door at us. The stylist had heard of a revival in Florida and the more she talked about it, the louder she got. She even stopped cutting my hair every so often and would wave her arms as she talked. It was great!! We had the BEST time! All because I asked the Lord to go with me and let me have some fun!
Hated by his family  8/2/2005  My husbands family is extremely controlling and opinionated. If they had their way, they'd run the church from behind the scenes. They deem themselves above correction and any rules/regulations the congregation follow don't apply to them (as far as they are concerned). They despise me and only tolerate me because I am the mother of their neices and nephews and their son's/brother's wife. The do not respect me as a First Lady or Minister of the Gospel. Any event where I am to speak they boycott. I really love them and want to be "in" the family, but I don't agree that they should conduct themselves under their own rules whereas all others (including me) follow the direction of the Pastor (my husband). I am sure the parishioner's sense the partiality as well. How do you handle this? Or do I keep doing and saying nothing?
Anita  8/2/2005  We may as well stop looking to man for appreciation. The times that we get will it be very rare. My husband has been pastoring for a year at this particular church in TN. About three months prior to our anniversary, the deacons came to him and asked him to put on programs for our anniversary because they didn't have the funds. The same deacons shot down three members that wanted to have a banquet for our appreciation program about six motnhs prior. What would be the point in us putting a program on for ourselves? We can appreciate ourselves all year long... that's us. It's nice to know that the people that we drive one hour one way every Wednesday and Sunday to minister to these "sheep". Then we turn and drive one hour back tired and emptied. This is a thankless job. We didn't put on any programs and we thanked them for all of their last minute efforts. I've taken on more jobs than I thought I would ever have. I force myself to travel there. They sit and wait on us for everything. It gets old sometimes. I see my husband struggling to do the best he can with what God has given and I get in there and dig right with him. I see him so hurt and I hurt because he is hurt. I am tired everytime he takes the stand and sits down because I am preaching just as hard as he is and praying that God will move on him and just use him. It's jsut hard to be so alone trying to build. We did not come from this area. Our grandparents and mothers didn't attend here. It seems as though they should try a little harder. We are outsiders and they were born and raised here. How can they look for us to do it all? Yes we get tired but tired enough to quit!!!
Micromanaged  8/4/2005  My husband is a pastor now. We've been doing it for 6 months. However, when he needs my help and I attempt to help him, it is either wrong, or I'm moving too slow, or it's not what he requested. Everyday I hear the same thing from him, how I have to be obedient to his authority. I feel like I cramp his style for lack of a better way of putting it. He talks down to me. When I finally can't take anymore of his remarks, I lash out by walking away or I start yelling at him to try to get him to back off, but it just makes matters worse. I'm tired. I'm tired of being humiliated in front of people, and he comes off looking squeeky clean. Behind closed doors, it is hell on wheels I tell you. I love the Lord with all of my heart and soul. Have been in the prayer closet and have cried my eyes out so much, I feel my heart becoming hard. I am at the point of not wanting to be around him. He has become phony to me. I love him but I don't like him. Please Please Please give me some advise on how to deal with this situation.
Judy - a clergy wife  8/7/2005  Do you have any articles on helping and supporting a pastor's wife and family when they have just discovered that their 16 yr old daughter is pregnant?
Dee  8/9/2005  My husband and I were called to start a chruch 5 years ago. We have been preparing for ministry for about 15 years before we stepped out when God called us. The first 31/2 years were not bad we grew to about 30. Then in the 4th year we had to do alot of correcting. most of them left. Then our building was destroyed in a storm and we had to relocate to a conference room at a local hotel. When we had to move so alot of the other people left. We sent everyone a letter in the church and asked them to stand with us during this time of transition but they didnt. Now after 5 years of being a Non- denominations church with no support from anyone we have about 10 people left and they are not leaders. I know all the scriptures like trust in the Lord or when God is with you who can be against you , the gates of hell will not prevail against you. We do not have anyone to speak to this about we have prayed and ask God to send us someone. We have served faithfully for many years at churches around the area and when we left to serve at another we would always leave in good standings. When the storm happen to us we never even heard from any of the Pastors we served under or the people in the congregations that we served. Not even a call to say were you guys alright. I know people are busy but this story was on our local news and in our newspaper. When we ran into someone that we knew they would say somthing like oh I see your building is not there anymore I heard all about it. My main prayer has been Lord help me not to become bitter when everyone around us rejects us. Help us to be like stephen Lord forgive them for they know not what they do. But I have not reached that I am still hurt by all that has happen. We are determined though because we both know that we are called to serve and we both know we have heard from the Lord. So no matter what we are standing in Faith. Even as I am writing this letter I am in tears so I know this hurt must be deep and it needs to be healed. Also my husband stepped out in faith 3 years ago to Pastor He left his secular job and God has been faithful to provide, but now the money is getting lower and lower. We are faith people and we have come this far by faith but We need a suddenly from the Lord. Does anyone have any advise while we are standing. I am ready for this season to pass.
Kate  8/9/2005  I am a PW and have felt the lonliness, emptiness, etc. One thing to remember is that Christ died to save SINNERS. People in churches are sinners, and so are we. We must remember that. One thing I have found is that once you confront the bullies, they back off. Sometimes they leave, sometimes they end up your friend. My husband is not always prepared to defend me, and that causes conflict for us. It really does seem that the PW is the one attacked. Reason: most Christians know that God will judge them for attacking the man of God, so it is convenient to attack him through the spouse/children. Hubby reminds me often: if you are not taking rounds, you are not in the battle. We are to count it all joy, but sometimes there is more joy than other times. I have found that journaling helps. Just remember to journal the joyful times, too. Then you can read through them when the not so joyful times come. In the parable of the 10 virgins, the ones with the oil did NOT give in to the ones not prepared. It is OK to confront sin. I just struggle with whose responsibility is it, mine or his (pastor)? Do not let the enemy rob you of your self confidence. It is a very high calling, remember, God chose YOU!!! Also remember, he loved you in spite of your sin, and the calling is to love them in spite of theirs. Hurting people hurt people. One thing this site did was show me I am NOT alone. Thank you my sisters.
Ms. Skeeta  8/16/2005  Hi! I am up at 3:00 am (pacific time) reading entries. This is my first time to this site and I am very impressed that there is an anonymous place for fellow Pastors' Wives to vent and gain support through similar experiences. The word of the Lord says that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimonies. I don't want to make this too long, however my husband (and I) were called to the ministry about 5 years ago. We were active, faithful members of another church, we started an evangelistic ministry (not seperating ourselves from our church), sharing salvation to the lost and guiding them to the church. After receiving confirmation to move on and meeting with our leaders about the commission, we now stand in the role of leaders of a world evangelism ministry. We have been pastoring the church for 3 1/2 years now in California, we started 2 churches in Ghana, West Africa, one in Liberia, West Africa and 5 youth ministries in Liberia, West Africa. We often see visible signs of miracles and have been fortunate to cross paths with very powerful, anointed and highly respected men & women of God. My husband is a man of integrity, favor of God, passion for ministry, social interactions with God's people, and a heavy prophetic gift (with anointing . . . "some have gifts and callings without repentence" - not here:) With ALL THIS being said, I am struggling! We have two small children-ages 4 and 3. We began ministry when they were infants. I work full time and my income supports our family. My husband is a full time pastor. I guess my struggle is the fact that I feel I am not a part of what is going on in ministry, however I complete 'the picture'. My husband has fiery ambition and slows down for no one. Right now, his vast connections have propelled us as far as him speaking on TBN. I see the ministry that God has placed us as shepherds over, growing by leaps & bounds and not slowing down. Our conversation at home is very minimal. Pastor is so involved with ministry that I am left out of the loop 99% of the time. There might be guest preachers coming to speak, upcoming events, major counseling interactions with various members etc., and I have not clue as to what is going on, until down the line. I am gifted with desktop publishing talent, so my involvement usually is knowledge of the event to create a quick flyer, brochures or letter.The greatest discussions that we have are usually . . . we need to talk, when can you make time for us to spend time together, etc. The conversations seem to bounce around the room and fall to the floor after I decide to finally drop it. I feel extremely lonely, required to be a full participant, required to successfully lead and develop women & their gifts, be a gracious host (oh, didn't mention that our home is a 'mission house' - we have preachers staying with us for days to weeks at a time, nearly month after month), be a housekeeper, be a full-time mother, and without ever having a best friend or even 'some one' to vent to, keep a smile on my face and lighten up. I am having a difficult time being an encourager of women when I myself stay discouraged. Just recently, after visiting my doctor about dizziness, chest pressure, excessive weight gain(70+lbs), stress headaches, high blood pressure, etc (at 30yr s. old) I was recommended to see a psychoterapist for clinical depression! NOT AN OPTION! I feel inadequate to have these feelings at times because besides ministry, my husband is an EXCEPTIONAL FATHER! He loves his children, will do anything for them, help get them prepared for daycare & school EVERY MORNING, and see about any need they might have. So why am I so ugh? I trust God to complete what He has begun, but my strength along the journey is being compromised. I have contemplated seperation (this also is NOT an option - just thinking out loud -real reason to:) to help him move on, so that I am not a hinderance. We have not had any form of womens meeting in over a year, because I cannot fake joy, strength and 100% dedication. I started a youth group over a year ago also (ages 14-19). They LOVED it, but with circumstances and personal issues, this has also ceased for the past 10 months now and I have watched the youth plummit. One recently had a baby at age 15! I'm sorry, I feel like I'm rambling . . . but this outlet feels secure and is a long time comin' God Bless You All!
Anjo  8/18/2005  Hope, our church is also going through a dry spell. It saddens me to think of all we could do here if we had all the members who drifted away. I know I sometimes get blue and forget His presence in our church. ( or rather HIS church!) Part of the ministry is taking on a little of the rejection Christ endured. Yes, it hurts when you mistake a church member for a friend, only to find they don't care about you. Yes, it is hard to forgive. Yes, it's hard to encourage stray members when you are more concerned about paying the bills. The most difficult thing is wondering why God's blessing doesn't seem to be on your ministry. I'll pray for you. I know God will make His plan known to you.
Lilli  8/23/2005  I, too, am a pastor's wife. I have been in ministry for 10 years(7 with my husband and 3 as a single). Nothing is more rewarding than working within your calling a sensing His presence at work in all that we do. Sometimes it gets really hard to see where you stand as God has appointed us to work in His vineyard as a servant in His house. Our role and divine design is seen through the scriptures and if we remain in His Word and screen all thoughts, frienships, trials, through the light of His Word you will sense a balance in your life. For me and my house, I will remain faithful to the Lord through my love and obedience to my Husband. But, it always helps to put reality before my Husband by telling him,"Just know every decision you make I am behind you, however, is it pleasing to God? Ultimately you will be held responsible for this house...love ya babe!"
praying -4- you  8/23/2005  Hellow ladies, I just want to encouge you to continue to share your thoughts and prayers with each other. This is how we are going to win the battle. The wise warrior seeks help. We need to come together this way becase there are plenty of people in ministry that feel alone, beat up and abused. Surely this is not how our Lord wants it, but he did tell us it would happen. I know that even this site is a way that can help if we seek to be a comfort to each other. I firmly believe that you reap what you sow. I'm working on not focusing on the negative things or the mean and nasty people. Work on building yourself, loving yourself and giving love to those who want it and truely need it. The enemy is always trying to make us feel unlove and not of value, but remember God is the judge not people. I job is the same as anyone else that is to do his will. If they have problem with tell them to talk to God that his job to work on us. (smile). I get mad just like any body else when I'm mistreated but I am not going to stay there because he tells us to give him the burden and I glad a bout that. We got to believe he is going to handle it. I've seen him take care of some people! Like I said look for others to love on and pray for like on this site and let God deal with the nasty stuff. I know it's hard but you can do it, most people back off when you start being firm in who you are and your position with God! Not the church. That's only about the hear and now. Prayer is your keys to dealing with the right now. laugh out loud because you belong to The Most High God and he is waiting on you. My prayer for us all right now is Ephesians 3:16 THAT HE WOULD GRANT YOU, ACCORDINT TO THE RICHES OF HIS GLORY, TO BE STRENGTHENED WITH MIGHT BY HIS SPIRIT IN THE INNER MAN; God Bless all of stay strong! You are not alone and I'm praying for you.
a pastor's wife  8/24/2005  My husband and I have been married for 29 years. The first 23 years were every thing and more I had dreamed of. My husband was working as a biochemist and life was good. 6 years ago our church asked my husband to come on staff full time as an assistant pastor. I did not feel called to be a pastors wife even though I knew my mate would be a wonderful pastor . I knew the sacrifices that would be involved and did not want to give it all up. He felt very strongly that this was what the Lord was calling him to do so I went along knowing that our life would change drastically. But I was not prepared for the heartache to come. I often fell like my life has become a living nightmare. My husband is passionate about his calling and is always willing to lay down his life for his sheep. By the time he gets home, usually late at night , my once , romantic, fun loving, energetic guy is so exhausted, discouraged and completely spent that he's doing good to grab a quick bite before the snoring starts. I know he loves me but I feel like I'm at the bottom of the prioity list. In the past month I've lost my mother usexpectedly, sent my son off to Iraq, sent my youngest off to college,and am dealing with haywire harmones. This man who is considered "the most accessible and understanding" pastor on staff can't find time to be there for his wife in her most desperate hours. I know all the right things I should be consoling myself with. I know that all my expectations and trust need to be only in the Lord. But I can't help being brokenhearted for all that I've lost and longing for it all to be over. When I found this web site it broke my heart to read about all of you dear sisters (many with much greater struggles than mine), but to know that you all understand what I'm going thru (I thought I was all alone with no one I could talk to) has been a great blessing. Thankyou for being there. I'll keep you all in prayer, and know you'll do the same for me.
Holly  8/24/2005  This is a great website. I've recently married a pastor,moved, changed religions,and am trying to get used to this "lifestyle". I thought I had prepared myself enough before the marriage with all sorts of books and articles and they were helpful. I just kept thinking, it can't be as bad as what it's always made out to be. I love my new husband dearly but I am hating this lifestyle. The new community hasn't accepted me and the church members have put on a cold front with me and I can't help think, "If a new person comes in these doors, you wouldn't treat them this way, why do it to me?" My husband has been at this call for 8 months before we got married. I guess I'm looked at like the "bad guy" because a young single pastor is a gold mine and now I'm taking him away. I just can't believe how "needy" people are. I think back to my church and all of the PW's and I think that most of them had nervous breakdowns, drank, popped pills, or just had a dead look on their face most of the time. Is this the life of a PW? I need some advice or encouragement. I'm 26.

Madison  6/4/2006  I am in the same place as you! My husband became pastor at his church less than a year before we got married! I have only been a christian for 2 years! Jesus is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me! being a Pastors's wife has beed THE MOST DISSAPOINTMENT I HAVE HAD IN A LONG TIME! I am so depressed! I moved to FLORIDA and left my family and friends and it has been TOUGH! I didn't recieve a SMILE OR NICE WORD for the first three months at least! I feel as though I am being held HOSTAGE by all of the duties my husband and the church wants me to do! I AM SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD ! I have a music ministry that God has given me! I am trapped! Please Help! I WANT TO LEAVE TONIGHT! My husband and the people make me feel like I can't be a person with feelings, a life, career or anything else!
Tammy  8/24/2005  When I married my husband he was not yet called into the ministry. About about 3 yrs. into our marriage he felt the calling. Well I wanted no parts of being a Pastor's wife. So he set out to do it alone. He preached at churches while I stayed at our home church. Well it was okay for awhile and then he got frustrated and wanted to know if I was ever going to support him in his ministry. WQell I finally realized that I needed to and got to hear him preach for the first time last year "2004". Well he decided in the spring of "2005" he wanted to start a bible study at our home and let it lead into starting a church. Well I am not the one who takes to strangers easily and I don't like to go door to door visiting. So I did not make any effort to help him. You see also the church we were serving at I was in alot of prgrams and alot I was in charge of and I guess I wanted them and new there would not be any for awhile. So now I have caused hurt and pain in my marriage and with my husband. I want to try so bad to be the pastor's wife, but just can't figuire it out. But I know I don't want to cause my husband to miss out on what God has called him to do.
Jodi  Hello ladies.....I'm a pastor's wife who happened across this site a few years ago and could identify with many of the issues and problems faced by my sisters here. I was a new PW, and since we have an independent ministry I couldn't find any concrete tips on how to go about being a good PW. As a result, I had to count on the Lord to tell me what to do and how to do it. I also would remember the things my own PWs in the past had done that were (or weren't!) good examples of how to handle this position. It sure ain't easy being a PW and I remember times I could relate to those who say they'd just like to go back to being a normal church member and sit in the pew on Sunday, then go home to a chicken dinner and normal life! But, at the age of 45 the Lord called us into full time ministry and as an avid student of end time prophecy, I decided that if I was going to get something of signifcance done for the Lord, I'd better get on it and get on it soon! After all, this life is just a "drop in the bucket". We are here such a very short time when we consider eternity. Also, what helps me more than anything when folks are mean-spirited is to "consider the source". When I really think about it, I know about 12 people in our congregation who are "solid" practicing Christians in every area of their life....and what jewels they are! As for the rest, I'm not surprised anymore at some of the stunts they pull or the way they can act. But as long as I'm not counting on them being more mature in their walk with Christ than they are, I'm not disappointed or hurt by the things they may do or say. We do all we can, but in the end, it's up to them as to whether they stand or fall as they answer to their Maker. And, as far as worrying about whether the attendance seems to be going up or down...that's God's problem, not ours.....from the beginning we've had the belief that if this ministry is God's will, then it's God's bill as well. As many of you probably have, we managed ok before ministry and if push comes to shove, we'll manage just fine if the Lord should decide to move us out of ministry. No one starves to death in this day and age, and nobody can pinch a penny better than a PW! I keep in mind that my boss is Christ, He's the one I answer to and His opinion of my performance is the only one that matters in the end. As long as I'm doing as much (or as little) as He directs, there's peace and joy. But when I try to be as good as or better than someone else, there's stress and no joy. And, you know what? I've found out He's an easy taskmaster, indeed His burden is light. My relationship with Him is the barometer f my happiness....so it's my highest priority. "Cheer up my sisters, walk in the sunshine. We'll understand it all, by and by."
olivia  8/29/2005  I am a pastor's wife of 48 years and have "been there and done that" time after time. God has just revealed to me that all the battles I fought over the years(and lost many)were because my husband is and was from seminary courtship mentally unstable. You know its said, when you are about to die all of your life flashes before you; well, that is what has happened in my spiritual journey. When according to counsel or advice I put "those things in the past and pressed on to the mark of the high calling of God". Today they came in as a flood and I see so clearly how I have been abused mentally and emotionally and had to carry the burden of covering for my husband's sins and failures. 2 weeks ago I had reached the end of the road and had made plans to go "talk it over" face to face with God. Knowing how my sons and grandchildren would be affected I left it in God's hands to do it His way. In the mean time I found this website and was shocked to see how many seasoned pastor's wives have been abused and the unseasoned one's not aware they are in that life-time situation. You won't hear this in seminary training. My husband always said I should write a book about my life experiences and my response always was; "No one would believe it!" Well, guess what, I am putting it all on paper and will share with others in the future. I see through the requests for prayer and support on the internet. THE REAL ISSUES MUST BE ADDRESSED- which is the core cause of all the abuse that being the man you married.

olivia  9/2/2005  I have not received a response from my past e-mails. Are you out there? I am near death can you help?
Sally  8/29/2005  I've been a pastor's wife for over 22 years and I can honestly say it's a living hell. You can't spit right or wrong. Led people to Christ, wonderful. Teach hungry hearts its a thrill. But people are mean, thankless and cruel. I wish God would be able to have His way in building His church. Beat up one too many times in one too many churches.
Sally  8/29/2005  Do you people read what is written on these pages!!!!!We are all beat up. The church is a mess. When I get to heaven I want a cloud all by myself with lots of chocolate.
LittleLamb  8/29/2005  I am praying for you! Man, We serve such a Gracious and Big God and I am feeling so blessed after reading your comments. Yes, ministry can be a lonely place. I found a really good friend about 15 years ago and we continue to keepin touch even after moving. I guess what I am saying is you only find one or two good friends throughout your life. To the pw who said she isn't a committed Christian...ask Jesus to make himself real to you. Pray and read the Word daily. I think you will be amazed. TO the other ladies...please remember to keep yourself spiritually healthy by not neglecting your time of personal worship. If you are a young mom I know that can be hard. Perhaps some praise music and a scripture here and there. God understands and will meet you where you are! I would love to pray for anyone needing it. BTW my dh is a bi-vocational pastor and we pastor a small church. We have been married 25 yrs and I am 42 if that matters... blessings on you day and night.
Glenda  9/9/2005  Hi Ladies, In need of prayers. We just moved to Wake Forest for my husband to attend Seminary. He is working on his Masters degree. He has Pastored 4 Churches. At the last Church that we were at had many issues. The main issue is that the Church is a supporter of CBF, which my husband does not support. The church was aware of this before hiring him. Nevertheless, he knew they supported CBF. But he came to the church under the condition that he would be able to inform the Church of this group. The pulpit committee agreed he could but wait about a year. He waited 3 years before bringing it up. CBF does not make a stand against abortion, gays and lesbians, they believe that you can intruped the Bible the way you want, and does not believe the Bible to be the inarent word of GOD. The deacons after 3 years of being their decided not for him to educate the church on this matter. So my husband went out on faith and left the church to attend seminary. Since leaving we found out (proof) that one of our deacons(a male) is on the web seeking a male. Since moving we came on faith that the Lord will provide for us. My husband made a stand to CHRIST. We've been here for a month, neither one of us has a job. We have been seeking but nothing yet. PLEASE PRAY FOR US THAT GOD WILL OPEN A DOOR FOR SOURCE OF INCOME. Though we are concerened of this, we have FAITH and believe that God is in control and provide.
LadyRedic  9/9/2005  I was wondering if any of the Pastor's Wives here live in the N.J. area? I would love to start a support group where we could meet and talk and be a blessing to one another. If anyone is interested, contact Rock Dove and they will forward to me. I so need the support of all the women saints who are dedicating their lives to serving the Lord and supporting their husbands in ministry.
Knitter  9/9/2005  My husband is preparing to enter a five year program and we are not young. I felt he was called four years ago but he has only recently felt the calling. I know that what all of you feel and have been through is very real but I don't believe its that much different from other occupations that are public. I have heart and thyroid problems but count everyday that I can put a smile on someone's face as a triumph. Satan is alive and well in the world today and working his magic on our world leader's, the faces we see on TV and movies, our teachers, professors, children and yes even our Pastor's and Wives. We have to fight it every moment and try to live literally in the moment. Have any of you written letters to your husbands explaining the way you feel? Men do not comprehend women's feelings. You have to take them by the hand like a child and lead them to show them you don't blame them for your feelings, but tell them what they can do to help you because gthey are fixer's and they need to feel they are fixing whatever is wrong. It works with my husband. I hope you try it. Just let go and let God. Pray!
LadyC  9/10/2005  It has taken me a while, but I have read every entry on every page of this support board. One thing I have come to know, when trouble and discourse starts amongst the soldiers (church members)the captains (pastors and their wives)must declare war. This is warfare ladies!!!! However, let us not be decieved. While our trials may be at the hand of the adversary our trying is of GOD!!! God needs to know that our armour has integrity. He needs to know that in the face of the most difficult battles we fight assured of victory because he ordered the fight. If we allow our armour to be dented in the small battles, like when the saints over look us, talk about us or lie on us, what then happens to our armour when we engage in those intense and long battles. Many of us can no longer fight because we have forgotten who we are and the power and authority that is our birthright and kingdom inheritance. We have become "Pastor's Wives" and no longer Children of God, named by Him,loved by Him and kept by Him. Every person ordered into battle by the Lord WON!!! Read the Word. They all WON!!! Know something else, when some thought the battle was about to begin God simply said, cry out... make some noise...let me hear you!!!! And the enemy was defeated, confused and ultimately fled or wound up killing themselves!!! Its all in the word!!! Please my sisters, be encouraged. Dont lose strength on the small stuff. Just rest in his promises, in his purpose for our lives and in his strength. And when you get discouraged dont forget cry out, make some noise and let him hear you...PRAY!!!!!!

Praying-4-you  9/30/2005  Hello ladies; It is so wonderful to see that you all are taking advantage of this forum. Lady C I agree with you. This is warefare and the devil doesn't care about foul play or cheating. We do have God on our side even when it doesn't feel like it sometimes. He is allowing us to grow by letting us work through the things we know how to handle. It's in his word. By praying and seeking godly council. God has given us all a job to do. When your a leader, he just wants us to know that he is using us as examples. Monkey see, Monkey do. The problem is so many people want to have a laissez-faire attitude. We can not have this do what ever you want, or don't do what you want attitude. We can't have it, and we as leader have to tell people that You can do as you will but you will answer someday. People can be so mean and unkind sometimes, this is true; but I also know people in ministry that should not be there either. They abuse and use the people of God, and hurt alot of good pure in heart people. Just remeber that each one of us can be used by God to do great and wonderous things. Even being good to a little child in the kingdom and bring things in the future. You all count. Those that feel like dying, the emeny knows your value it's him that is trying to get you to quit. Take time for yourself, ask God to show you how to love yourself, and by all means ask God to Open your eyes to the love that he has for you. It is so true that the battle is not yours it's the Lords. We just need to learn how to fight with precision. We know the word is our weapon and the power comes from God. We have to commune with him in prayer. We have to take on the right speach learn to be stubborn enough not to give up. Be determined in our heart and mind. Relentless in our persute to be holy because he is holy. Steadfast in his precepts. WE have to be with his help be unceasing,unremitting,consant in being peace makers, learning how to be loving to them that our not so easy to love. We have to be determined to abide in him knowing that he will see us through. We have to be unshakable, The only way to do that is by letting the holy spirit teach us, God is OMNISCIENCE nothing happens that he doesn't know how to handle. We just need the proper perspective. God Loves You and we must remember that because the devil is always trying to make us feel unloved. Keep writing, keep sharing and know that you are not alone. Love to you all my sisters in christ. I'm praying-4-you. smile!
RA  9/11/2005  Dear Sisters in Christ, Yes all the entries on this web site are very similar. We are all hurting. It seems than satan is attacking all of us. I have been in the battle too. We must not let satan win. God loves us much more than we know. He will help us and show us the way. He is big enough to handle each and every problem. Yes I too believe we all need a friend to share and pray with. We can't seem to find one who is trustworthy. You are special. If anyone needs an email buddy I will be happy to start a friendship. I am 49 and have been a pastors wife 15 years. My kids just like everyone elses kids make mistakes and need the Lord.
KLR  9/17/2005  I have been in the ministry with my husband for 16 years and can relate to much of what I have read on this site. One night I was up passionately praying for God to "get the garbage out" of my husband's life. I prayed with such intensity and suddenly I felt an earthquake, literally. We read about it the next day. In our 22 years of marriage I have learned to accept the truth about the man I married, truth I did not want to entertain, but being real about where things were at and remaining objective has been very helpful for me. Sometimes I have had to grieve my loss, when I have seen things that I cannot expect will change. Other times I have fought adammently to be understood, fighting for those things which we both cherish, love, respect, decency, unity. Being a wife is much more than living alongside a man. I find my role, besides ministering in practically every capacity in the church (which I must say is not the call of every pastor's wife), taking care of the family and the home, and in our case, running a business to keep financially afloat, my role is not so much to be supportive of my husband's ministry as to be supportive of him as a man. Build the man. Yes, confront him, hold him accountable, but learn how to do it so that it is effective. Tear down strongholds, through prayer and persistance. Identify them if you can or just come against the garbage. I have seen God get rid of the garbage, slowly, and change me in the process into a more loving, understanding woman. I've been in many of those places I've read about in these letters. Dear women, this is a very real battle in which the objective is to destroy everything God intended to be beautiful, and especially you. Your husband needs to be your advocate, meaning he needs to stand by you, and the truth is there is probably not going to be anyone but you to teach him how to do it. I was moved to tears at a pastors'conference by a pastor of a church of several thousand who was asked what he felt was the most significant thing he had done in his ministry in the past year. His response was that he had invested in his wife, helping her to get some training and encouraging her to rise to her potential. Once a man sees how great an advantage it is to his ministry to nurture his wife he will want to do it. We long so deeply for this kind of attention. Somehow we have to break through all that garbage and find that heart of gold. Take a bit more credit for yourself and the power of your influence. You may have to try a lot of keys, but have faith that you can find the right one to unlock the heart of that man in your life called the pastor. Believe me you need to be on the same team in this fight.
denise  9/21/2005  Greetings in the name of Jesus the Christ! I previously had an email on this page from April 05 and many things have changed since then. My husband has been a minister for our entire marriage but he's been pastoring only for 2 years now. There's so much that I would like to say but there's not enough space on this web page. I can say that I know how it feels to not only be lonely but alone while living in the same home with your husband. I know how it feels to be totally isolated from the ministry by your husband as well as the church members. I physically left my husband in February of this year and we just decided to get back together and "get married again," to start our relationship a new about 2 weeks ago. One thing that you have to realize ladies (and men for the pastor's husband) is that God will use any situation to bring you to your knees to live for him. During my 6 years of marriage (before I left), my husband and I had NEVER prayed or studied the word together. Do you think that God was pleased with that? No he wasn't. God got tired of me and my husband "playing church." Now I said that God will do whatever it takes to get our attention for us to do what he wants and my husband and I decided to get back together on a Wednesday and just 3 days before that, he had an affair with another woman (a minister at that.... I do have a point in all of this madness). It took my husband having an affair, me calling all night long and him not answering the cell phone or going home, to realize that I want my husband because he's mine and most important that's where God wants me to be. Now I have always felt that I was doing everything that I could to save the marriage but when I was doing all those things I was trying to be with someone who didn't want the marriage. When this recent situation happened, I prayed, prayed, and prayed like never before. People talk about crying out to the Lord, I did. I promised that I would pray daily, not just when things were bad and that I would begin to study his word on my own and not wait for my husband. Now the kicker of the whole situation was that after that event, yes my husband attempted to lie about it but God had told him to tell the truth and when he didn't, God told the truth for him. How you ask? For one, I have the gift of discernment and remember I had been praying so much so I was in tune with God so when he would lie I would say nope that's not true, don't sound right, he's lying then two, God started dropping the truth I mean physical material things in my lap to confront him with that backed up the discernment ...i.e. the hotel room key (yes, still in his house coat that he normally never even wears ok)! To wrap this story up for you all, he slept with this woman and after it all came out in the wash, he said that it wasn't until he was with her that he realized he hadn't did what he should have done to keep our marriage together or to make it work and that he loved his wife and wanted to be with me. Now for 6 years, I had been trying to make it work (key word I said I), for 6 years and I just felt used and mentally abused. What I would like to say to the hurt ladies is that God is not a God of confusion. It is not in his will for us to be abused. God will sometimes allow us to go through situations to bring us closer to him and then temporarily remove us from that same bad situation so that he can turn that bad situation into our blessing. Many times I said I wanted to divorce my husband but in the midst of my pain, God wouldn't let me even when my family and best friend said I should, God wouldn't let me. He wouldn't let me file child support papers on my husband. He made a way for me to take care of myself and two kids with health problems. Even though our husbands are ministers and pastors (and they should know better) we can't make them be that biblical man that God wants them to be. There's nothing that we can physically do to make our husbands love us, be with us, take care of us but there is ONE SPIRITUAL thing that we can do and that is PRAY FOR HIM and then PRAY FOR OURSELVES. Turn it over to God and I always heard people say that but until you actually have to go through something and do it for yourself, you won't know the magnitude of it. I'll say this, you are not a real pastor's wife until you've thrown up your hands on something or another when it comes to your husband and just down right said I'm done with the situation (or even him) and turned it totally over to God. You see God will fix it you just have to be willing to allow him to do it. God has started his "fixing" process on my husband. We can be married now because HE has confessed his non and wrong doings and he wants to be married now. One thing about my husband and that is he's not like most where he will fake it for a few days then be back to normal. He has never faked trying one time in 6 years. He's just not done it. He would just say yeah I need to change and keep on doing what he was doing. This time, God is in it. I can see and feel the difference. I told him that we HAVE to pray together every day and we do. Yes it's only been two weeks but I don't need the time of a year to go by to know that God is in it for once in 6 years because I know how if feels when God's not in it. The piece that I finally got through to me was that your husband has to want it. You have to be one and on one accord and you can't get him there. It may hurt and you just may have to move on and don't let people fool you into thinking that God will turn his back on you if you leave because that's a LIE. I have two young girls and they don't need to see mommy and daddy verbally fighting (and verbal only goes on for so long then physical will start) because they will grow up and end up in an abusive relationship. One thing that I told my husband was that I know God is a forgiving God (now this next part was for the sake of conversation only) but if by some chance he wasn't forgiving, I would have to take that risk of going to hell to save my girls and if that meant that I had to be without my husband, then so long......but he's an ON TIME GOD! I am reading a book titled "Teach me how to love you" by Thomas Weeks (Juanita Bynum's husband) and I encourage you all to go get a copy. He says "Remember, whatever you've been struggling with can become the thing that actually gets you through to Jesus for healing. The situation that handicapped you can turn into a blessing when you bring it to Him." The devil wanted the affair that my husband had to be a handicap for me but I said that I was willing to forgive him and put it behind me but once I took it to God, he turned it into a blessing for me because through being without me for 6 months it wasn't until that point when my husband finally said to himself and me after 6 years of marriage that he wasn't ready before and NOW HE WILLING, READY AND WANTS TO BE MARRIED! I hope that someone is encouraged by my testimony. Let's keep praying that these pastors, our husbands, will continue to get a "Spiritual Makeover"!Feel free to email me. Be blessed my sisters!
csw  9/27/2005  My husband has been a pastor for over 27 years. Our churches have always been very small...under 50. We've been at our current church for over 10 years. It's so boring. All we do is sing the same songs over and over. I'm the pianist and have tried to change songs but it always goes back to the same old songs. My husband is also working 2 other jobs. We have purchased rental property so we'll have some equity over time (we are currently living in a parsonage). My question is my husband is too busy to do enough to make the church grow. He likes complete control. So I just stay out of things, other that greet the people, give them rides to church. call when they are sick, teach 2 children in Sunday School.....just a pretty face. My daughter does the childrens church for the 2 children. My husband is not willing to quit the other jobs, however, I feel it is robbing the church from where it could go. I've never even been asked to pray for any reason during services although I do it over the phone or on visiation when needed one on one.. He preaches bible stories. Just takes a passage and goes through it verse by verse. I get that. I've heard it forever. I know I'm complaining a lot but I don't know what to do. He is not open to anything suggestions from me. I'm very frustrated but know that the Lord still has something for us there. I hate being so negative. I've tried saying so many encouraging words to him so that when he does preach a good sermon or helps people I let me know. However, he never communicates me unless it's about our rental property I have already have a speech problem that makes it very difficult to speak. He won't read anything I write. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I'm so ready for God to do something incredible in my husband and I, however, I'm loosing hope, I've been going to Women of Faith, some worship seminars, I'm going to a Beth Moore Simalcast in October and a Thrive/Injoy Womens Event in November. I feel my self growing each day, but I also fell like we can do better with our church, however, I'm in my own prison cell and don't know how to make him realize tha I have a lot to offer. Thanks for listening. CSW
Randi Jo  9/27/2005  Like some before me, I'm wondering if anyone is still reading this page. If you are, I'd just like to mention that I've bookmarked it and will be checking around a bit. I may be "green" (only a PW for 5 years) but in those 5 years, we've been to..well, you know... and back! We're in a wonderful place now, and I think our main "wilderness experience" has dropped us in the promised land at last! I am looking desperately for a cassette to an older children's musical called "The Best Story Ever" written in 1992 by Randall Dennis, published by Benson Music. They, nor any of the "usual" book/music outlets have copies left and it's P.O.P. My SS students would love to hear what it sounds like, but I can't find my copy of the tape after all these years and numerous moves. Anybody have a copy they can send my way? E-mail me and I'll get you my address info.!!
sis1stlady  9/28/2005  Just found this website in search of a ministers wives support group. This is great. I feel as though some of the entries that I have read are my own story. We are more alike than I thought. This is great therapy for the soul. A place to relax, relate and release. God bless all of you for you candid openness to these waiting Women of God.
sj  10/1/2005  Hello there. My husband and I have been in our current church for 3 years. We have an awesome worship team and we love them dearly. However, our senior leader has been asked by our elders and us pastors to begin intensive counseling. It isn't anything moral, but some MAJOR issues have come up and have to be dealt with. My husband has been the "whipping boy" the last year or so and it is really hard to watch him go through this. FOr some reason our pastor seems to take everything out on my husband. I have been what I didn't want to become - bitter and cynical. We have decided to move because of some personal family reasons as well as this issue in our church. We do not feel that we can remain and be treated like this. It is so intense that my once very passionate husband has become very unhappy. Of course, no one else hears this except me and at church, we worship and lead our team to the best of our ability. We are controled and manipulated alot and so it is difficult to lead our team in that enviroment. People are starting to ask questions and we don't really know what to say. It is a weird situation. Now, we have sold our house but we have no job yet to go to. I am super lonely because there is no one to talk with about this at our church other than my husband. But, I have to know that this is all happening for a reason. God has to be in control.
Knitter  10/1/2005  Its seems like everyone is singing the same hymn and no one likes it but there are no song writers out there to change it. My husband too, is a controller but I have kind of sat him down and told him that we entered in to the ministry together and he needed to share with me. He is much better about it now but I know it will crop up over and over again. Right now I am wrapped up in needlecraft work for Christmas for 10 grandchildren and 6 children and 3 husband/wives of said kids, plus assorted relatives which is driving me crazy but keeps me so occupied I don't have time to be upset over anything. I am literally surrounded by yarn and needles, wall to wall. Also my computer is working overtime because the church secr only works 1/2 day or less a week and so I do the bulletins and proof my husbands sermons. I had a son, daughter in law and two grand-daughters in Beaumont, Tx also that are displaced and we are more or less floating them so bills are piling up but you know its still a beautiful day, the Lord's still winning as far as I'm concerned and I'm going to keep on fighting the good fight.
No Sunshine in Florida  10/2/2005  I need help, my husband is a pastor, who is totally dedicated to God, the church and others. He prayes 7/days a week from 6:a.m. until 10:00 a.m., but on Sundays, from 6:00 until 8:30 a.m. and then off to church. tuesday nights, bible study, thru the week counselling appointments, and Friday are our end of the week worship services. Sunday school 9:30 a.m. Morning worship 11:00 and evening worship at 6:00. He has a radio ministry every sunday (live) at 3:00 p.m. He constantly are taking on engagement throughout the week, and there is NO Time for me. He can talk to everyone but for me. I feel I am just his maid, to wash his clothes, clean his house, and just to tell the congregation I am his wife. I am tired! He insists that I accompany him for every service. I work full time, plus work at home im between service. I'm at my last straw, when I kneel to pray, I don't know what to say any more, Please help!

cynt  10/13/2005  THIS IS A RESPONSE TO NO SUNSHINE IN FLORIDA....HELLO SISTER, I FEEL YOUR PAIN. WHILE I WAS READING YOUR MESSAGE IT SOUNDED LIKE I WAS WRITING IT WORD FOR WORD...I KNOW IT'S HARD...I FEEL LIKE HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE, BUT DEEP DOWN I KNOW HE DOES. I KEEP ASKING GOD, ARE YOU HEARING MY PRAYERS AT ALL!!!! MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN A PASTOR NOW FOR OVER 18 YEARS AND HE TOO HAS QUIT HIS JOB AND BECAME FULL TIME, WITH LITTLE PAY FROM THE CHURCH..IT'S HARD WITH ME WORKING FULL TIME, AT HOME, KEEPING EVERYTHING RUNNING SMOOTHLY AT CHURCH, WHILE HE SEEMS TO SIT BACK AND WATCH WITHOUT EVEN A THANK YOU OR HELPING HAND...THIS PROBABLY ISN'T HELPING YOU MUCH WITH YOUR SITUATION, BUT IT WAS GOOD FOR ME TO KNOW THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO FEELS EXACTLY THE SAME WAY I DO, AND THAT I'M NOT MISSING THE MARK WHEN IT COMES TO GOD....LET'S PRAY TOGETHER FOR ONE ANOTHER THAT GOD WILL STRENGTHEN US WITH MORE PATIENCE, LOVE, POWER BEYOND OUR WILDEST HOPES & DREAMS. GOD SAID HE WILL GIVE US THE DESIRES OF OUR HEARTS IF WE TRUST & BELIEVE AND SISTER I'M HERE TO TELL YOU IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT WORD FROM GOD, I WOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT MY HUSBAND...SO PLEASE KEEP UP THE GOOD FIGHT OF FAITH AND I WILL PRAY FOR YOU AS YOU PRAY FOR ME..FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ANYTIME OK...PS I PRAYED GOD WOULD SEND ME A FRIEND IN WHOM I COULD TALK WITH AND TRUST ...THANK YOU -I'M CHANING YOUR TITLE TO SISTER SUNSHINE IN FLORIDA.
MAY  10/3/2005  I HAVE A QUESTION FOR PASTOR WIFES DO YOU HAVE SINGLE FEMALES IN YOUR CHURCH WHO ALWAYS WANT YOUR HUSBAND TO CUT GRASS,GO TO SCHOOL AND SEE ABOUT THERE CHILDREN ,BABY SIT ETC.
Stressed  10/25/2005  Sister, I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I think that there is a problem here. No single women at any church should even feel comfortable asking the pastor to "CUT GRASS, GO TO SCHOOL AND SEE ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN, BABY SIT ETC". I understand that we as Pastors and Pastor's Wives are to help the flock but the flock needs to have some common sense! Your job is to lead them to Christ not cut their yards The pastor ( your husband) has to draw the line somewhere. This is a very delicate job the pastor has. It is hard to gain respect and so easily lost. It is also very easy to get a name and get accused of being involved with any or all of these women and believe me if he is doing all of these things the rumors will start (if they haven't already). 1 Thess 5:22 says that we should abstain from the very appearance of evil. We are going to be accused of things anyway but we don't need to give the accusers any help. Whenever my husband takes in a new member for the Lord, he gives them my cell number and his. He makes it very clear where he stands. There comes a time that members both male and female will need to talk with the pastor but unless it is an emergency after hours is out! If there is a problem with a female, he will call me in or will have a witness there. Not because I have any reason to doubt him (in 2 years, I have not seen a thing questionable) but simply abstaining from the very appearance of evil. If your husband is obliging these women, you need to talk to him and tell him how this makes you feel. If he doesn't understand how you would feel the way that you do, explain what the ramifications could be on the ministry. Tell him what it makes you think. If you think it someone else does too. If these women are really in need, I know that some states have childcare assistance. In TN, it's called Southwest human Resources. He could make an announcement during announcement time without calling their names. Maybe there will be some mothers of the church willing to baby sit. Used lawn mowers are sold pretty cheap...help them find one to buy and cut the yard themselves. If they are up to no good this will slow them down or even stop them. As far as going to a child's school, I think sometimes that may be beneficial for the child to see a person that he respects checking up on him or her at school if they have a history of misbehaving. The father may not be around. That would need to be recorded in some way and addressed with the deacons of the church just to touch every base and to keep his reputation clean. I hope that this helps...I'm praying for you.
Praying-4-you  10/4/2005  Hello Ladies; While it is true that this walk can be very hard. We have to remember what God told us to do. He did warn us about all the things that we deal with. 2Cor.4:8-11 We are troubled on eveyside yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but NOT FORSAKEN; cast down but,NOT DESTROYED; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus , that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. For we which live are alway delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh. NOW vs. 16 FOR THIS CAUSE WE FAINT NOT; BUT THOUGH OUR OUTWARD MAN PERISH, YET THE INWARD MAN IS RENEWED DAY BY DAY. HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH ,GLORY BE TO GOD. I don't know about you but I need that word after dealing with some people in church! including other leaders and I use the tern loosely with some peole because they lead but sometimes it's in mess. Don't cry to loud. (smile). What I would like us all to do is when you are getting ready for church, before you go say a prayer for yourself, and all the other ministers's wives around the world. WE have to remember that others are going through some of the same things we are, if not worse. Be encouraged, I am praying for myself and you. Love and strength and peace to you all. Love, praying-4-you

4Jesus  10/22/2005  To Praying-4-you and all other pastor's wives...I've just found this website. What a blessing when I needed it. Thank you for praying for pastor's wives. I think this is a great idea. We should all start our mornings praying for each other. I have been reading from this site for the past hour and it is evident that we need to talk to each other. It is so hard to know who to talk to besides God. I found this site because I am so lonely and seeking support from others who understand. I find so much comfort in Jesus. I read my Bible, but it helps to read that other women are going through the same things I am. Those with years of experience can help others. Thank you for your scripture Praying-4-you! We all need to keep our eyes on Jesus and the Word of God. He loves us each and every one. He will give us what we need.
jan  10/5/2005  Help! I have run out of ideas I am a pastor's wife and next month I have the wmu program. We have a small group but I would like for this meeting to be different not the same thing. Can anyone help and give an exciting idea. We have the Mission Mosaic but seems like I just can't get a program together. It only has to be 5 min. or so long. I just feel awful. It seems like a pastor wife should come up with one right the top of her head. Please help. I only have 3 weeks. I have prayed and prayed but nothing is coming.

Dana  10/8/2005  How about a "tea party" theme? Use decorative tea cups and tea pots, pretty napkins and table cloths. Have your group sitting around the table(s). Discuss how having tea time with a good friend can be a ministry of encouragment. Read scriptures about encouraging one another in ministry. Have cards pre-addressed at the table(s). Ask for prayer for ministry partners then take time to write personal notes of encouragement to ministry partners, as well as others within the church who might need a little lift. Pass the cookies, enjoy tea and time together. Voila!

Lydia  10/27/2005  You wanted new ideas..and Dana wrote and suggested a tea party. Well...I have to share alittle because when God got my attention and answered alot of my fears it was at a TEA Party and the theme was ...Fill My Cup Lord. You'll find it in the Heavenly Hwy if you are a baptist. I will never forget that theme! Hope this helps!
Jean  10/7/2005  I am having a real hard time with the change we have recently made. We moved from being lay people at a large congregation(1200) to being student ministry pastors at a church of about 150 on a good day. The people are not real friendly although the senior pastors are great! We also moved to a new house that is closer to the SMALL church after living in our other home for 15 + years. My teens are having a hard time adjusting and making new friends. My husband doesnt' seem to have much of a problem but he is stressed and I can't dump on him. This is not easy, Am I the only one in this boat?
Trying not to feel sorry for myself! Not really succeeding!  10/8/2005  Hi. We're both in our late 30's and have 3 lovely children aged 15, 10 and 9. We've been pastoring for 10 years now, although have been in church leadership for over 20 years. I guess i just want to ask does any one struggle sometimes with maintaining their walk with the Lord. I feel such a weight of responsibility. Bringing up our children, working full time (as does my husband, both in secular jobs aswell as leading the fellowship we belong to). I'm the pastor's wife, run the churches children's work, am the music leader, a house group leader and support ( although not very well) the youth leader (he took over from me about 2 years ago, when I started full time work. I am struggling to maintain a regular time with the Lord. I am a somewhat disciplined person, I must be to do all the stuff I'm doing but I feel out of my depth. The church has so many needs, pastorally and we are both so exhausted and lacking in confidence (a few knocks over the years!). I thought me taking a job (which I believe God provided) would help the church eventually to pay my husband but that looks like it may be a while off. I don't know wether I am suppose to carry on with the children's work because there are so many other needs. I don't know if there is any one to take over it and I am paralysed with fear because I feel that I let the Lord down so much because I don't maintain that regular time alone. I am not wanting anyone to tell me what to do specifically (i know I need to change my behaviour and get on my knees every day) but could someone just tell me I am not a complete failure that maybe there are others who struggle and have come through, have found God's gracious help through it all. Please forgive me if I sound self pitying I am struggling to not allow my feelings to overcome me but be strong in faith and trust that God is greater and more gracious that I could ever know.
LONELY  10/10/2005  MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN PASTORING NOW FOR OVER A YEAR. WE ARE VERY NEW AT THIS. THIS IS MY PROBLEM WITH THE CHURCH FAMILY, IT IS A FAMILY CHURCH WITH SISTERS AND BROTHERS , NEPHEW, NIECES, GRANDCHILDREN.. CO FOUNDER HAS PAST AWAY,WHICH WAS ONE OF THE SISTERS HUSBAND, AND NOW SHE WANTS TO CONTINUE TO RUN THE CHURCH. I HAVE BEEN VERY SAD AND ALSO MY HUSBAND. WE DONT FEEL AS IF WE HAVE AFRIEND. WHEN WE FIRST ATTENDED THE CHUCH THE WOMEN WOULD HUG MY HUSBAND AND WALK BY ME AS IF I WERE NOT THERE. I FEEL LIKE SPEAKING OUT TELLING THEM HOW I REALLY FEEL.THE YOUNGER WOMEN ARE IN THERE 40'S AND 50'S AND WEARING SHORT SKIRT ABOVE THE KNEE. HOW CAN I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MY HUSBAND CHURCH FAMILY, WHEN I DONOT TRUST NO ONE THERE. HELP ME PLEASE. THANKS, LONELY
SHIRLEY  10/13/2005  My husband and I know we have been called into ministry. We are both licensed and are looking for our "first" pastorate. Would like a small or rural non-denom. church. How do we go about finding the pastoral openings for us to pursue? We are in our 50's and children are out of the home. We are working in our home church in children's church and other help ministry areas. Thanks for this chat area. I just came upon it and since we are new to this ministry area, these problems are of interest in what we may encounter. Thanks for any help.
Tlayde  10/13/2005  Praise The Lord! I have a questions.I do not know what this thing is in the country where Iam from but Pastor's wife has to dress a certain way.So I am looking for reasonable place to shop that I may fit in with the other wives.There is another siser that has the same problem,it reallydoes not bother me,but I do like to look good. I know that God does not look at the outward appearance,but the heart.So if you could just make some suggestion to us we would so ever be very grateful. May God Bless You!

tanya  11/1/2005  Hello! As a pastor's wife I like to dress nice too. Biblically we should dress feminine and modestly-you can do this and still look in style. Money has always been tight for us. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who wants me to feel good about myself especially when we are asked out for supper with friends or church picnics ect..My wardrobe needed updated badly.We came across a store together at the mall called Christopher and Banks. They had a great selection of casual clothing. I found so many nice things on the sales racks. The sales lady told me they always have sales and they really do! My husband told me every week or so when he gets paid to go in and see what I can find on sale so that I have some things to choose from in my closet. I always had trouble finding skirts I like. I got 2 skirts there for $4.99 and one for $2.98! I went to the reuzit shops in my area and found some really nice sweaters and tops to go with my skirts. Now when we are out I feel more confident and before we leave the house my husband isn't saying "Don't you have anything nicer to wear?" (:
ADC  10/13/2005  I thank God that I don't have many of the situations that you (my sisters) have in your ministries. Although I don't, my heart still bleeds for you all. I do have an issue that most of you can relate to ... money or the lack of it. My husband pastors one hour drive from where we live. We make a two hour drive every Sunday and Wednesday and gas is eating us alive. We both have full time jobs and he gets a small salary from the church and we have maintained very well until now. I recently had to have surgery and was off work for almost two months without pay. My pay equals half of our total monthly income - church salary and his job included. We took a tremendous hit. Church people are some of the stingiest people I have ever seen. They will take up money for everyone but the pastor as long as it fits their cause of benefits them. This is our second year here and they didn't even work up a pastor's and wife appreciation program this year. They asked us to do it ourselves. We have missed a few bible study hours because of my surgery and time off .we just didn't have the funds to get there. My husband never missed a Sunday through my illness and I only missed two. If we had to borrow the money, we get there on Sunday. Where do they get the pastor and family doesn't need help sometimes? We are human too. The same things that are prone to happening to them happens to us as well. I feel like they really don't care. But they want the pastor to pray for them, visit them at the hospital, be at every meeting and be the token outstanding preacher and teacher when we have other programs and events. They want pastor's wife to sit there and look pretty and sing so they can show off when there are visitors and pick up whatever else needs to be done. It all drains the joy out of serving the Lord. The thing is that my husband wants to pastor full time - that is to say quit his job and just pastor... with people like these, I can't see that happening! I would love for him to have the desires of his heart but God put our family in our care. I know that if God wants him to pastor full time, He will make a way. I am just so afraid of the day coming when we are living from my husband's salary from church and they decide to vote him out of being pastor for whatever reason (you know it doesn't take much and it doesn't have to be true whatever the reason)...then what? I think that I will always have some type of income just in case or we will save big time just in case. I have witnessed so much and heard so much that it's just hard to trust church people. I also have my own singing ministry that I would like to birth and give my full attention to. It takes money for all things. I pray that God will open doors for us. I have no doubt that God will bring us out of this. We are just in our storm right now and when we are in our storm, we can't see much else. Thanks for the outlet. God's Blessing to you All.
Lydia  10/17/2005  I'm looking for answers to a different kind of question..my husband and I have been in the ministry full time for about 14 years now. When God got hold of our lives we came in to the church ready to serve ( well more my husband than myself at first). My husband started out volunteering to work with kids then he taught Sunday School and was a Deacon. At age 49 he felt the call to preach and began to deal with that decision slowly and carefully. In the past 2 years he has been very active as a supply pastor. He was licensed by the church 4 years ago but has never been to seminary. He is 53 years old and studies very hard. Meanwhile he lost his job in the town we lived in and due to a change in company direction and we had to move from a place we'd been for about 18 years and to a new town a few hundred miles away where no one knew us. We couldn't help but wonder if we were going to be unable to go on in the ministry.. because, afterall, no one knew us. But of course God knew us and it wasn't 6 months before we were very involved in pulpit supply or my music ministry testimony or both. He takes the position in the pulpit very seriously and does not just spout out what he thinks but what he has studied and scripture proves. I can't say whether he is SUCCESSFUL in the world's eyes or not but he has been well excepted in our new town filling the pulpit several times in various churches until he was invited to one church.. where has remained for a full year. This is a small church made up of mostly family members and they were looking for a new pastor. My husband told them in the beginning, that he was not ready to take a church but would love to fill the pulpit as often as necessary. Since that first few months he has felt he would like to be called permanently ( They do know that ) but that has not been offered ...maybe because his new secular job is not really steady yet and could cause us to move again or they may have other reasons. God has added a FEW MEMBERS.. all Christians. I BELIEVE this is a place of growth for him.. a time to learn and prepare. The members are very loving and completely aware of his education level and even his testimony. ( my husband is a man that has been delivered over 16 years ago.. before we were involved as leaders in the church ..from alcohol.. drugs..gambling..and finally tobacco). I have been a bit discoraged that the church has not at least made him their interim pastor after they asked him to keep coming every week to fill the pulpit but since my husband does work a full time job and preaches two sermons a week ..I believe it's first to keep his duties limited and second financial. The situation seems to be working for them and they might feel a duty to pay more if the changed it. Although, sometimes pride wise, a bit hard with no regonition for my husband as a pastor in the world's eyes that's not important and getting to preach the word is! Now that you have some background... WHY do so many men try to discorage my husband from preaching...I mean he is a mighty witness to the world of God's mighty grace and promises come true. His testimony proves God reigns in his life and his dedication to study and preach without recognition while supporting his family proves him even more as a dedicated man to God. But when he tries to get advice on going to seminary or a good bible college ..to take accredited online courses.. they say ..at his age.. that he is wasting his time that he is too old to enter the ministry. Is it so.. that only the young can be called by God to preach the word? Were the men before seminary and bible colleges studing at the kitchen table with merely God's word in hand not capable of hearing from God. Is God really that limited? It is sometimes hard for me to support my husband's need to preach when I have knowledge of the negatives he faces. I love my husband and tend to defend him too much I suppose. I've seen God deliver him over the past 27 years from alcohol..drugs..gambling..and finally tobacco. Most men never get delivered completely of one of those habits... much less all four! He has such a strong faith I don't doubt his sincerity but because I'm still growing.. I falter from time to time in the faith walk ...when it comes to trusting God's plans. CAN ANYONE RELATE TO THESE QUESTIONS...HELP PLEASE !
worried wife  10/20/2005  I am new at being a PW. My husband was appointed a year ago. I just do not know what to do or where to start as a PW. I feel that I am not worthy enough to be in this position. I can not sing, play the piano, teach or peach the word. It is so hard for me to be out going and talkative to people at our church. I feel so sad all the time. I am affraid to get close or to talk to anyone for fear of being hurt. ( I had an awful experiance in another church years ago and I guess I have not healed from that) There are other women in the church that can do all the things that I can not do. I just sit there not able to do anything. They are friendly to me but then I wonder what they are up to. We have one lady who is single and she does alot in the church for my husband. Almost like an assiant pastor. I feel that she is wanting more but he can not see that. When I bring it up he says that I am just being stupid and I need to get over it and pray about it cause it is my problem. He doesn't want me bringing bad things to the church. I would never do it. I love my husband dearly and love that the Lord has chosen him to pastor our church. But I just don't know how to deal with the feelings that I am having concerning my role as a PW and this lady in our church. I honestly don't know if she knows the way she is coming across. Like my husband says this may be my problem and I need to get over it. I really need some wisdom on all of this. Please help and give me some advise
Iloveyou  10/20/2005  You pastor wives are the some of the most beautiful women I know, rest beautiful ones when it is your time to, your strenght and dedication is nice to behold. I love you
T  10/22/2005  I have a couple of issues , I need to know how to be an effective pw, I am not one as of yet but it is coming up quickly we have only been married for 6 months and we have already had many problems with the enemy trying to attack our marriage. I need tips on learning how to take my place as a wife and as a pw and be balanced without feeling that my life is falling apart. I am just so lonely he is more focused on ministry than family and I am the other way around. someone help.
lynn  10/23/2005  It feels a bit strange to actually write about what I am experiencing right now. I am so used to keeping my mouth shut and never saying anything that it seems like it is wrong to vent. I have been married to a youth minister for 10 years. I love my husband but I am so filled with hurt and pain, my heart is becoming hard. It is very hard for me to deal with the flirations of female youth. Just this morning, a female youth sent my husband an online "HUG". My husband tells me I overreact and I am reading into things too much. My husband is very interested in praying with students to fix their relationships with each other but he rarely initiates praying about our relationship with me. We went through a tremendously painful time after our twins were born when he had an emotional affair with someone. He still believes he didn't do anything wrong. He doesn't realize that when someone is hurting, something wrong has happened. That he needs to do whatever he can, to remedy the hurt. I don't know how to handle the flirtations of ministry. I don't know how to protect my husband from himself and his cluelessness. I don't know how to keep being the scapegoat. I am the substitute. The substitute for when nothing else goes right. I'm nice to have around. I'm an ornament. An object. A warm body without a soul. Can anyone relate to this? I have contemplated suicide even though I know it is wrong and it wouldn't help. I have contemplated leaving for awhile to see if that might get the point across, but I don't have a job. I feel helpless and hopeless. Like a whisp of air being sucked into space and no one would ever notice.

Hold On  10/30/2005  I feel your pain. I went through this for several years with my husband. Women would flirt with him and he was oblivious to their attempts. However, after I mentioned it to him he would play it off..as if I was overreacting. I don't believe he actually ever had sex or became intimate with anyone, but I know he had numerous phone conversations, email correspondence,etc. I loved him, however, the last time this happened (in December 2004) I told him I would no longer support him in the ministry and I would leave him. I also confided in a elder in our congregation who talked with him. He sought counseling and things have been well. I too contemplated suicide, I began soft drinking again (cocktails, wine) and abandoned participating in anything spiritual. I was so depressed. You can't change them. They must want to change and see taht they are are dishonoring their marriage and God. And any man who does not honor his home, wife, and children have absolutely no place in the pulpit or ministry. For your sake, seek professional chrisitian counseling, stay on your knees and seek a supportive family member or friend. God has not called you too turmoil, but peace. I work and can support myself, I understand your dilemna, however, if you have relatives, your parents or someone that you can stay with temporarily it would be helpful to you. If he wants to continue his lifestyle, then it is obvious that he has been turned over to Satan. God will allow that when a perosn continously chooses to live in a sinful state and enjoy it. If he sees no reason to change then he has a problem. A REALLY BIG ONE. And the problem isn't you..it's him. Don't ever take responsibility for what he does or doesn't do. And don't like him do it to you. If your kids are older, get training as a LPN, or a paralegal. Something that only requires a certificate.. not a degree. They both pay well. Or, you can substitute teach. Only a High School education is required in most states. But, you must begin positioning yourself to not be dependent on him. Depend on God and through this mess... keep your trust in Him. God knows what is going on. I don't know why he allows us to go through such trials. I know they are to make us stronger, but sometimes strength is the last thing I obtain. I've been married 15 years. It's been a journey, but, Job's latter end was better than the beginning. God will guide you.

georgiapw  10/31/2005  My husband and I have been married for 13 years and in the ministry for 7 years. My husband was a the youth minister for 3 years and is now a pastor of our first church. When I read your posting. I was deeply sadden. Most young girls that I know between the ages of 12 to 15 are alittle overly affectionate. Are you very invovled in the ministry of these young ladies. If not, you should get more invovled. As for your husband or any minister he should not be alone to talk over any personal problems they have. You should always try to be there. Anything they can say to him, they can say to the both of you. Don't just be his ornament. Next time there's a problem. Just simply say I think I'd like to come and help too. In reponse to your feeling of loneliness, I can relate as it seems all the other pw can to. I don't have any better advice than to pray for the Lord to help you shine with his love to reach out to others. I'm sure you know the scripture Hebrews 13:5-6. The Lord will never leave nor forsake us. He is our help and strength. There is noone not even me who understands your heart like him. He can change things. If you pray for his strength and guidence. In none of our lives will he make things better until we PRAY and study is word. Lynn, I'm sorry things are so difficult. I wish I could help you more and be there for you. You are so much more than a warm body and if you were whisped away you would be missed terribly.

Invisible Woman  11/1/2005  I read Lynn's response and it makes me so sad. I think the last line is so beautifully written about something so real and painful. My husband is the only pastor at our church so he deals with youth in confirmation. I know exactly what you are talking about with the female youth being big flirts. I'm sure we've all noticed how advanced the youth are these days and it is hard for me to see these 16 and 17 year old girls flaunt their sexuality so much in church and around him. They go to classes with no bras and skirts so short. I'm not sure ministers have ever had to deal with this before. I don't know what the answer is but I am careful with making sure he is never alone in the church with them and I am always "around". Which, I know, makes the wives out to be these over-acting, psycho, and controlling women. Our role is a double edge sword and it seems like we can never win. I'm not sure if our husbands are "clueless" or they secretly like getting the attention. Let's face it. Most people that go into minisitry has the need to feel wanted by large masses of people and likes the "spotlight" As far as your state of marriage, Lynn, I would say get yourselves to an outside counselor. I know this is a hard suggestion because most ministers won't do it as they think it's a slap in the face to their abilities. I would find one that is secular because I believe that they have more common sense about this church lifestyle than the people that are living it. Also, getting this stuff in the open and talking about it, makes it real. It's a real issue to deal with and not one that you've made up. It gives you power to openly name it for what it is and not hide it. Talk to your family. I vent to my sisters all the time. My husband does not like it but it is my mental health outlet. Get someone and let it all out. Then it is not a shameful secret anymore. This will cause your husband to deal with it and not make you feel like you're crazy. Get yourself to a counselor even without him. Killing yourself is not the answer. You have children to live for. Try to get help, try to fix it, but in the end ----- you and your children are the most important. Get a network of family and friend support and leave the situation if you have to. No man, no religion, no guilt, and no loss of self respect is ever worth this. I am praying for you :)

Ruth  11/2/2005  I feel for you! I have been a pastor's wife for 16 years. I have experienced many of the feelings you are going through. My husband was once a youth pastor, but is now a senior pastor. I have dealt with the loneliness and desperation at times also. My husband is a workaholic and often neglects our family. He too has had an emotional affair. We have gone through counseling which helped us. If your husband won't go, please go by yourself to see a therapist or counselor, it will help you! Keep praying, trust in God. I know it's hard. I'll be praying for you.
Ready to go  10/24/2005  I have noticed that a lot of the entries are asking for advice or simply venting. That tells me that more of us are hurting and being hurt. I am a PW for two years now and I love it. My husband and I have gone through many hurtful things and we are still going through. One must be deeply rooted in Christ to keep going back for more abuse but we still do. That's one of the ways that I can tell that my husband was chosen by God. He goes one Sunday and gets shredded to bits and cries our hour long drive home and through the week and gets up the next Sunday and hits it again. It hurts me to the core. It hurts so much that I would like to lash out but I don't because I know that I could harm our ministry rather that help. I was surprised to learn that the majority of the people that are doing the hurting are older people. They should be the ones giving sound advise to the younger ones. God has not lost and will not loose... I know He can't loose. I must admit that I get tired sometimes and sometimes just being able to see a little process would help. We get tired and sometimes depressed but God always allows one of us to be strong enough to hold up the other...Thank you Lord! I don't know what would happen if we broke down at the same time. When we stand all that we can stand we fall hard. I would love for my husband to pastor closer to home at least we wouldn't have to worry about gas. My husband has been pastoring here for 3 years so I have already been here for two years. He hasn't gotten a raise in 3 years... new family and all. God will make it right and God doesn't, He'll see to it that our family is alright. It just seems to me that people don't care about God's chosen ones. OK, I'm done with my little piece. I wish you all joy and God's Blessings.
helpmefast  10/27/2005  Sisters in Christ Help Me Please! I have a serious dilemma. My husband and I started a church 3 years ago. During the first two years my husband really wasn't serious about the ministry (not preparing for study/sermons/praying regularly) and I caught him on the internet several times communicating on dating websites. This went on the first year and it happened again last year. The later part of last year, I caught him carrying on with some young girl (mostly flirting), but he lied and denied it all. I was so distraught I confided in one of our elders and another church sister. They both remained quiet about it, but I think I know it damaged their opinion of him. Since the first of this year, my husband has behaved and is really into the ministry. Here is the problem: I think the damage has been done. Although he has repented and changed the members don't seem to truly respect and appreciate him. I told him since he/we made such a mess of things in the beginning he should resign. God is not obligated to bless mess. What are your thoughts. I've started back drinking to ease the pain. PLease pray for me and email some sound advise.
very,very lonely  11/1/2005  Hi. I have been married to a pastor for 21 years now and although I love my husband very much I do not love being a pastors' wife. I long to not be one and just be a regular member of the congregation. I don't feel I have the emotional, physical or even spiritual energy to be in this kind of role. My relationship with God though is good. He is my everything. I have kind of resigned myself to the fact that this is definately my husband's calling and nothing will really change for me. I tend to just go to church on Sundays and none of the other activites. I feel more lonely when I do go to things. By the way we just started a church plant almost two years ago and we're growing very slowly but my husband loves it. I guess I just feel very sad and lonely knowing this is the way my life is going to be forever.

hurting, lonely, too  11/7/2005  Wouldn't life be different if pastor's wives could actually RESIGN? Why is there no such thing as a Pastor's Wife's Sabbatical? Where does a Pastor's wife go when she no longer feels safe in her own church? I hate church! Church doesn't work for me; it's great for my husband, but not for me. But, I'm convinced that there are always choices. There is always hope! The choice you (and I) must make is between resignation and relinquishment. We can't give up (quit the ministry) but we can give in (die to self). There is another choice to make: to accept the lies of the enemy, that "nothing will really change for me"--which brings defeat and despair--or to believe God's Word, that He "makes all things new" which brings hope for restoration and peace. I'm weighing my options, planning my choice. I am responsible for my own actions, not my husband. So, if I continue to sit in church week after week being miserable, it is my choice. NEVER believe that you have no options. For example, I could stop attending church. I could go to another church. I could leave my husband. Granted, those are undesirable options. I may have to choose between a rock and a hard place!
curious  11/1/2005  I would like to hear from women, how they felt when their husbands began to feel that they were being called to ministry. Particularly men who were the macho, hard crusted, never let anybody inside type guys that God has changed. Do women feel sceptical about their husbands changing? Are they afraid that he will become somebody they can't relate to? And how can a woman accept those changes?

Blessed  12/27/2005  I hope your still reading this site. I had to take my time and think about your question. Yes...I was scared when my husband was called into the ministry and was not a pastor in the beginning of our marriage. Yes, you wonder is the change permanent especially when the first 10 years dealt with drugs alcohol and gambling. BUT when I look at the past and know that without God,he would still be in the past,I have to believe that it is God's will that he preach. Sometimes it's hard not to put your husband under a microscope and examine everything he says and does but thru constant prayer God will bring you to the faith you need. Am I cut out for this...NO! Do I need to follow my husband...YES Will it be easy ..well you've read the other's situations so you already see that it can be difficult but If you can keep your eyes on God and be in constant prayer I believe you can do it if you are a Christian.
Marie  11/1/2005  My husband has pastored two churches. He resigned as pastor from our last church ten monthes ago.(we left because of major doctrinal differences. What they said they believed before we took the church and what actually went on were two different things.) We have have been praying and searching for a church since then. We are Independent Baptist and I and our children totally back him. It is hard sometimes when I see him get discouraged. We want so much to serve in another church. Our problem is hearing of solid Baptist churches looking for a pastor. Does anyone know of good independent Baptist churches lookng for a pastor?
Mrs Preacher's wife to be  11/2/2005  My husband is in his last year of Bible college to become a pastor. He will graduate in the spring. He is 34 and I am 37.....getting a late start in ministry. We have two chldren age 5 and 2. We would like another child or two. Do churches hire you based on the number of kids you have or on what they are looking for in a minister? I am looking forward to being in minsitry but nkow it is hard work. I am a sahm. Will I be expected to forsake that and "work" at church? Another question I have a question that is very sensitive. My husband struggled with pornography in the past and occasionally when under stress it still tries to attack.....he did receive treatment for this problem and prays for God to remove this "thorn in the flesh". He wants to do better and knows this could hurt him in the ministry even if know one "knew" about it. I struggle with hurt and anger when it crops up again.....at him. I know he loves me and I knkow he loves God and I know he wants to do better. Yet in our society it is not acceptable for a pastor or pastor to be to say "I need help" cause then he is looked down upon. But yet many pastor's struggle with pride and self importance etc which are also sin.......so how does a pastor's wife support her husband and get him "help" but yet keep the sanctity of their private lives? I know God has great plans for us......He has plans to proper us and not to harm us... and I know that our ministry will be strong one day and we have much to learn. I so want to be a good pastor's wife......but most of all I want to be a good helpmate to my husband and a good mom to our children. thanks
What Do I Do Now?  11/2/2005  I am a Pastor's wife and wondering why people I meet in church and believe I've made friends with leave (for what-ever reason) and never say goodbye to me? I wait a week or so and wonder why they haven't called or written. They say goodbye to my husband. I feel awkward calling or writing because I wonder if it would make them feel badly and I also wonder if maybe I've done something to offend them? So, I don't do anything I just let go. It's all I can think about now that Pastor has called basically everyone we've ever known (of which 75% have left without saying goodbye) for a 10 year reunion. That decision in itself was quite spontaneous. It's this Sunday and I found out last Saturday evening around 11:00pm. I wasn't aware I've been so hurt and now I'm faced with dealing with it. Not in just one person but too many to count all at once. I need guidance! Help!

LR  11/6/2005  Oh how I can relate to you. I cannot even begin to count all the times that I have made "friends" with in the church, only to have them leave suddenly or just drop me. I used to think it was something wrong with me. I have always been a very down to earth, transparent type of person. Some people are put off with that type of personality. Many people in the congregation want the Pastor's wife to always wear a smile, be on a spiritual high, have all the answers, etc... Of course we who are the Pastor's wife know that is totally unrealistic. I would suggest trying to make friends outside the church. Try to find another pastor's wife to meet with. Try to even meet other Christian women outside the church. I even attended a Bible study group and did not mention I was a pastor's wife until later. I wanted them to know me as JUST ME and not a label or title or Pastor so and so's wife. This may sound deceptive, but when I shared later who I was married to and why I witheld the info at first, they seemed to understand. I think it helped them to better understand what Pastor's wives often go through. I also am blessed to have several friends from high school (26 years ago!) who I keep in touch with. Eventhough it's long distance to talk, I know these women love me warts and all, good and bad. I still deal with lonliness. I am cordial and friendly with people in our church, but I am very careful who I open up to and how much information I share. From experience, I have learned that there are few who can handle being intimate friends with the Pastor's wife. I do have one lady in the church I confide with more than others, but I am still careful. I pray that you can find another PW to befriend. It is good to have someone who understands what the ministry is like. God Bless you sister. My heart goes out to you. Been there, done that :). ((((Hugs))). LR

Psalms 121  11/11/2005  Take it from me. I've been a pastor's wife for over 17 years and I've learned from experience, you cannot be friends with your parishners. It just doesn't work. Find people outside of the church that you can socialize with. You can't be friends with people in your congregation, it's just not a wise thing to do.
Victoria   11/3/2005  Its only by God's grace any of us stay in the battle. I am having a very difficult time with bullying in the leadership. My husband does nothing to stop it. I am brought to tears most Sunday's because of this. I just don't know what to do. My husband says that we just have to stay faithful.
Shirley  11/3/2005  I have a question!!!! My husband and I have a call on our lives, we know for sure. But the problem is, that we are a divorced couple now married 22 years. Is there a place that we could minister? Although serving in our local church,a non-denom, we find it hard to find a place that accepts us. Would appreciate an answer back
Pamela  11/4/2005  I would like to join this support group. I am a 63y/o woman recently married to a man who is the pastor of a small church. I have been divorced and so has my husband. I have lostg over half my family marring this man. My sister who attends church every wk told me I am living in sin as I am an adulterer now as I married a pastor. Scriptures tell us that a pastor/deacon be the man of one wife. My mother is also upset with me as I would not go with her to a wedding service and party on the sabbath ( we are commandment keepers that keep Sabbath as our holy rest day). The funny thing is that she raised me to be a sabbath keeper. Now she is distant and my brother calls me a "Holy ASS and a Zealot". He is mad at me for making my mother mad. I am the oldest in this family and I have always done whatever they wanted me to do and this is the first time I have said no to them. My husband pastor and our work God wants us to do comes first. This church also has many believers that believe anyone who is divorced cannot remarry - I always ask them what did God tell David. He said he would have given more wives to him if he had asked for it. Davids sin was not the sin of many wives it was the sin of murder. Don't these accusers read their Bibles. Anyway I am confident that I and my husband, the man God brought into my life as an answer to prayer - I am confident that we are totally within Gods plan and work for our lives. I just need a support group for myself. My husband has been a pastor for 30 years. I get jealous sometimes of how much time he spends on his sermons and writing and talking to people on the phone and he has a very difficult time saying no to them. He says no to me easily. I usually understand but there does come that one time that we have a special date planned and he dosent tell me plans have changed that we have to do something for someone or go pray for healing w/ someone. I find out when he pulls into the parking lot of Sizzler - "for a quick bite" and he knows I hate Sizzler more than once a yr and when I show displeasure and shock and tell him I am disappointed and hurt he did not keep our date special and safe from others and hold it in high esteem he says I am over reacting and selfish and I don't love the mission he has for doing Gods work as much as he does. This is so hard. So you can see I need women - wise women to counsel with. Can't ask my mom or my sister about this and it would be totally inapprotiate to speak to any of the women in our church about this so I am all alone. I have been praying about getting understanding and wisdom for myself and how to handle this and here I find a web site for exactly what I was praying for. Thank you Father,Eternal,Creator God that made me and loves me so much to make sure I get support I need to be a strong threefold cord marriage with Jesus as the third cord - Help please and I can love and be there for this wonderful man God brought me and to continue as a woman doing his work to my best ability because I am also supported. Thank you
jo  11/9/2005  I am married to a pastor and we have an extremely small church. i am white and he is black. all the members are black and all the churches we fellowship with are black. we have gone through some very tough times because the church members are all from the same family, so when one gets mad at us the whole church is in turmoil. we are about to celebrate our sixth anniversary at the church and i need some words to include in the program that comes from the pastors wife. can anyone offer me any help?
D.B.  11/10/2005  hello - every individual has their personal convictions re:Pastor's wives.....but I have read and read in Pastor. I do find where the wife is to be a helpmeet to the husband and support her husband. Too many hardnosed, selfish church members place far to much pressure and high expectations upon a pastor's wife. The wife and children are member's of Christ's church just like everyone else....(not a popular concept is it?) I've read and read and read..... and there's not even a qualification in the Bible listed specifically for a Pastor's wife....if so please show me. (Yes I'm a minister's wife) yes I serve God.......but I FIRST and foremost support my husband. I don't feel I need to perform, seek approval from overbearing church members. My first priority is my husband. I look for ways to hold him up, strengthen him. I've never seen a church give a payroll check to the husband and one to the wife? I love God and do wish to be in obedience to Him.....and love His church and it's members....but refuse to be enslaved or made to feel guilty by those who think I should attend this or attend that, wear this hat, wear that hat. By God's Grace I'm just me nothing more or nothing less......just like us all a sinner saved by grace. I will not be enslaved by man made traditions or pressures placed upon me by other's, it is wrong. Yes I agree other's want to place us upon pedastals because their focus is upon flesh and not spirit. Far too many Christian's place their eyes, faith upon man and not Christ and all Christian's focus should be to get others eyes off of ourselves and lift them to Christ. It's not my ministry.....but Christ's ministry, my husband did not die for you, I did not die for you.....but our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ....keep your eyes turned towards him and not your pastor or his wife.

Someonecares  11/14/2005  I've had many reservations in the past about reponding, but once I read this I had to respond. I am also a ministers wife and I agree there is nothing listed in the Bible about the role of a Pastors/Ministers wife. It says the wife is to be the helper to her husband. I have a family and my husband and I both work full time jobs and by the time I complete my first God given assignment as a wife and mother, I don't have time to worry about what others think of me or how they treat me. I probably never notice because I'm doing what I have been called to do. I think that Pastor's/ Ministers wives put unrealistic expectations on the church just like the church puts unrealistic expectations on the wife. I do agree that there are people in church who may mistreat the wives. Those people probably mistreat others also. That's their warped personality. As D.B. said earlier, Jesus is the only one who died for us and the only one who supplies all of our needs, therefore, if we focus on God and get busy doing His business, we won't have time to feel lonely or depressed. We can't look to other people to fill a void that only Jesus can feel. We have to put our trust in Jesus not man.
Butterfly  11/13/2005  It seems to be a common theme that pastor's wives deal with a lot of rejection, hurt and loneliness. We know that our husbands are human. But can anyone tell me why do the members of the congregation dislike the pastor's wife so much why is there so much envy directed toward the pastor's wife. there also seems to be no medium ground. if we become very involved with the church its a problem. Yet, if we are aloof thats a problem too. I think people want the pastor to themselves and not to have a wife who is supposed to come first. Its just amazing that the person closest to the pator who prays for him and the church and sacrifices so much finances and family time, is so mistreated in the house of God. Why can anyone answer the problem. There is always the woman who you thought was a friend but joined the gang against you. It is all very painful and the loneliness is unbelievable. When you talk to your husband he acts like its all your imagination. Thats becuase everyone loves him or his position one. At times I don't want to go to the church either but when I don't people act like I am not doing my share I am expected to do almost everything,But also go along with being disrespected. I too would like to just be a regular church member. All the jealous people can have the title of first lady that they are so very jealous of. Jealousy and hatred in the church is truely killing the work of the lord. Why are people so jealous of each other. We can't really use gifts becuase of the spirit of envy Please pray for me God knows who I am and my heart has been defeated and hurt. My spirit has been broken. I know I will go on because of the Lord. I will still love and pray for my enemy.But that does not stop the pain in my heart. Sometimes it does seem easier and more peaceful just to walk away or run away.But I know that eventualluy God will change things. Well thanks for letting me vent. I am encouraged to know that I am not the only one who experiences these feelings. I just wonder why it all hurts so much and why can't we find friends or acceptance or love in the place where there is supposed to be so much love.

Becca   11/20/2005  Your sharing experiences and hurts showed me that what I have been struggling with for many years is experienced by others too. You commented on it being easier to walk or run away... Something that I struggle with often, especially after church on Sundays. =) Just recently God showed me that He does not want me to run, but to deal with the hurts. It has taken me a long time to piece together it is rejection and loneliness -- because we are in service to Him. If you want to e-mail me, please do. I would love to have communication with other minister's wife in a more personal setting. My prayers are with you -- and others as we seek the Lord to do His work.

butterfly  11/23/2005  Thank you Becca for your response. I would like to email you. I know there is an answer for us pastor's wives but how will we find it. Thank you for your comment about loneliness and rejection being part of our service to Christ. The lord was rejected also. I guess we feel bad when our husbands don't see what is so obvious to us. Does being a Pastor make you blind to someone's con or manipulation when they are attacking your marriage. I think people let the spirit of the devil use them against the wife which in turn will hurt the husband and the ministry. The husband will not be able to effectively work or minister for the Lord if things in his marriage are shaky. The enemy attacks the marriage through the wife. A lot of parishoners don't want to be friends with the Pastors wife because they don't want the Pastor to know their faults or flaws or things they say and do that they should'nt. Or people are intimidated by leadership kind of like being pals with the boss at work. I guess the role of a pastor's wife is to support and pray and overlook tons of garbage that comes our way. The bible and Jesus will have to be our friends. We will have to come strongly in prayer against those that attack our marriage and pray for our enemy. The enemy hates that because he will stop using that person against us as soon as we start praying for their salvation. YES I would love to be a regular member for just a little while and yet we know that when you are a true believer the devil will always find a way to make your life miserable. We have to fill our lives with the word of God, Prayer and some friends who don't attend our church. For serious problems in marriage I recommend fasting and prayer. Prayer without ceasing will bring an answer. After all you me or anybody can't destroy our bodies and minds for someone else even if it is our husband. At some point we must think of our own mental sanity and health. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Remember as a Pastor's wife our friend is Jesus. He is our consolation and source of strength. We all look and see how the people fawn and praise our husbands and then overlook us. It hurts when our husbands don't seem to notice or care. But if it were the opposite they would notice but as women we would try to soothe them. Men seem to be oblivious to our pain. But try not to let the snares and traps of jealous people ruin your marriage. Our husbands really need us and the devil would have us turn and walk away. That would weaken our husbands and the ministry which is the ultimate goal of the devil working through weak minded or envious people. God put you beside this man. You are doing a painful hard heartbreaking job or role which many people can't seem to understand. But as Christ suffered we must arm ourselves like wise we are doing God's work. People who manipulate, lie, or hurt us are doing the devils work. Let us all pray each day for Pastor's wives all over the United States. I know we will see a change because we are some strong powerful women. I will begin today to pray for Pastor's wives lets all do this God knows all our names. Prayer changes things.
Marie  11/14/2005  Is there a Pastor's wives organization that are available from state to state. I am interested in becoming a part of something positive but don't know where to begin. I live in Delaware but our church is in Philadelphia. I need to connect. Thanks.
BEFUZZLED  11/14/2005  Do any of these "vents" get any answers? I need some help and so far I can't find anyone that is answering these questions. I know they are venting, but some need some answers

Listen & Pray  4/4/2006  Is it really an answer that we PW's are seeking or just a listening ear by someone who understands and out of that understanding are able to carry