Pastor's Wives' Support Board

The purpose of this page is to support and encourage pastor's wives.  If you are a pastor's wife and have a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion, please fill out the form and click submit.  Responses will be added later.  Let's help each other!

Please also submit for our future book .  We are also planning a book for and about pastor's kids .  Please check this out if you were a pastor's kid - or have your child give us ideas!

Due to your great responses, we have made this Support Board into many different pages!  Make sure you read all of them!
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Chris  9/19/02  Its been so good reading the various messages. I don't feel so much like a "loopy" now. Although my heart is extremely heavy and I'm tired, I'm jealous of the time my husband spends with everyone else, particularly the women who seem to devour his time and then share with me all the funny or precious things my husband shared with them. It sickens me and I'm pretty sure bitterness as taken root in my heart and I'm sick of people, sick of doing ministry, all I want is my hubby and to give 100 percent to my 5 kids. I have been very active in Ministry for 16 years now and I've had it. I'm angry at the way I seem to cop it at home, I seem to get more disciple than the children! I say all this and I know my walk with the Lord is poor ... I pray publicly, I minister publicly, I pray for people needs, I pray with people and for some years now, embarrassing isn't it ... years !!! I don't and can't seem to pray for myself, I never bring my needs to the Lord and I don't know why ... I tell others that He cares for every single need, but I don't believe it for myself ... what has happened to me, why can't I seem to have a vibrant personal relationship with Jesus anymore. Have I slipped so much that he won't have me back. That's how I feel, I should know better heh ! I know my kids adore me, but I don't feel anyone else really cares less. Has anyone else found this to be the case and what is it ?

 

MArta  10/3/02  Dear Sister, I think many of the answers to your post you already know, deep down. You have become very battle weary. You know how to fix that? Start over today. You have guilt and regrets over your lack of prayer life and personal Bible study with our Lord. So confess your short comings to Him. He loves you and wants to pick you up and help you grow stronger. Cast all your burdens on Him because His yoke is easy and His burden is light...Just start now, and make that time to pray. You also know that it's time to have an honest talk with your husband and possibly plan a little time for just the two of you to get away as a couple. Then make a habit of a weekly, uninterrupted date time. The same has to go for time with you both and the children. Maybe he needs a gentle but firm reminder that you all need his time and attention and he needs you. Because the Mother and Wife is usually the backbone of the family, and more sensitive to these needs, she can remind the other family members when things get stressful, strained and off track. God bless you.
Sad  9/23/02  I am having trouble dealing with a small church congregation where most are family members. As you may or may not know, that brings a variety of elements to the church including not being able to separate the close family issues from the church itself. People in the church who are not family become too familiar with the personal struggles that exist within the family relationships. Cliques form and the family members forget they are family members. Some feel left out and don't know what to do. I have gotten to the point where I absolutely dread going to this church which I have attended "all my life." I actually have gotten physically ill (intestinal symptoms, headaches, shortness of breath, etc.) Really don't know where to turn. I am very afraid to get counseling because it makes me feel like a bad person to talk about the situation. I am very sad and feel like I have no one to talk to. For two years in a row, there has been a great deal of disrespect and condemnation handed down from the leadership to the people. The manipulation and control seems unbearable. I do not want to continue to go to this church, because I don't feel I have the type of pastor who will kindly receive these genuine concerns. . . have been on the receiving end of anger in the past. Please help me to know that i am not alone. Feel afraid to start over at another church, not given how this is affecting me---don't know what to do.

MArta  10/3/02  It sounds like you have tried to stay and hope and pray that things would get better. But it's been years and they haven't. You seem to loathe the idea of confrontation about the problems with those in leadership, but I think it might be helpful for them to know what the problems are, even if they are reluctant to admit or address them. I think you should go for some good Christian counseling, it helps to find someone trustworthy and caring to talk to. Then it probably would be helpful for you to visit other local churches and see if there is one that seems to stand out in making you feel comfortable, spiritually taught and challenged to excellence for the Lord's kingdom. May God bless you and direct you.

there'shope  10/10/2003  I just want to encourage you to ask the Lord to lead and guide you...It's hard to deal with family but when it boils down to it, sometimes your family is all you have. If you love your family you will work it out...The devil wants to cause division simply because he sees blessings on your family....You will never find a perfect family so don't just give up on your ffamily...It just may take you to bring reconcilation....Most times, the discomfort that you are feeling they may feel too but my not know how to open up the lines of communication. Dont give up on your family love them enough to want to work it out...Approach you pastor regardless of what you assume my be his response, you will never know unless you trIf Jesus can forgive you for all your short comings surely you can forgive you own blood, your own family...This is what we have to remeber the devil comes to cause division but we have to take a stand against the enemy...I'm not a pastor's wife but I'm a PK.....I've seen many division take place and it didn't have to be, it's just the trick of the devil....TOGETHER WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL...IT'S THE TRUTH AND IF WE LET DIVISION TAKE OVER THEN WE HAVE BEEN DEFEATED BY SATAN ESPECIALLY IF YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A BLESSED FAMILY.....BE STRONG AND HOLD ON.....I GUARANTEE THAT YOUR FAMILY LOVES YOU...
Ex-minister's wife  9/23/02  There is so much power and abuse in the church. After my divorce from a minister, another minister (who happened to me a male uncle) said to me that I had "low self-esteem." Since when do you tell someone they have "low self esteem" when they ACTUALLY LEAVE a man who is physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive and who literally almost killed them. So many minister's wives are going through silent turmoil because their husbands are living double lives and do not want to be held accountable for their behavior. It is the wives who are made to feel guilty. Many churches are full of women rather than men. This gives men who are in power the opportunity to control and manipulate women for their own advantage rather than God's work. Even though we talk about these issue, let us all continue to pray and embrace one another!
drama  9/23/02  What is the process of becoming a pastor's wife. Was told that I had to go through something. Is there some kind of initaion, and is it biblical. I've never seen anything like it before in my life. And it has caused a lot of misunderstanding and hurt feeling. I'm under 40 and I didn't have any gray before, now my head is full of it. What is there to do besides pray. I really don't understand. Was told it was to build character, and is there another definition of character that maybe I'm don't know about the how the church does things except for a servitude prepective. Can someone help
inneedofprayer  9/27/02  My husband and i have been marriaged for 8 years we have 2 children. We have struggles in our marragige. My husband has been pastoring for 4 years, and these seem like 4 years of living hell..I have recently come into the knowledge that my husband has a bachelors pad set up on the same property in which we live...Only a feww single women know about it.....It was told to me to be rental property...I seen a single woman coming from it and confronted him...he said se needed some where to stay for a couple of weeks so i helped out...and informed that another single woamn knew about it and he thought nothing was wrong with it. how do i handle something like this ...i have seen an attorney considering divorce....but i would like to save my family. i need some help..please....

bluebird  10/23/02  Don't panic, keep it cool for you and the kids. Try to get your husband to go to counciling with you. Pray for God to be in control. Sometimes he doesn't answer in the way we want but he is in control. I have been there! Don't tell your husband you doubt him, but for your protection Keep a log book of everything he says and does and the date. Get pictures if you can, of anything weird or unusal. you may need this info later. Let him talk and talk, if anything is going on he will probally tell you alot unknowingly. If it works out and he accepts help from the Lord and gets serious counciling, then you've lost nothing and have a healed marriage. If it doesnt work out then you have evidence and proof of what is going on. If the later happens "beleive Me take care of you and the children financaly", get a good lawyer early on, Save money along the way that he does'nt know about, if it works out then maybe you've just saved some for a surprise 2nd honeymoon, if not you will have enough to survive on for awhile, or a lawyer and get one early on for sound advice. Keep the log book well hidden so the children or he doesn't find it. I am only saying this so strongly because we don't want to think it wont work out, but we can't change other people, they have to want to change. Get counceling for yourself to know if your descisions are logical. Alot of therapist will give counceling at a reduced fee, call around to see. I pray for God to be with you and for your marriage to be strong and survive. Most of all Fall In Love With Jesus. Lean not unto your own understanding but in all your ways acknwledge him and he will direct your paths. Many nights it was comforting to sleep with my bible. I love you and am praying for you and your children. Don't tell the children anything negative they will find out on their own, it may be years later but they will, trust me. Spend time with the kids doing fun stuff the best you can. All my love and prayers.
KC Cares  9/29/02  Just like many of you, I just found this site and am glad I did. I am a PW of over 5 years, and I have seen some very trying times as well as divine miracles and huge blessings. I am thankful to God for my life as a PW. My husband loves the Lord, and I support his ministry. I had no idea what being a PW was about when we married, but I know that God would teach me. Over 5 years now and I am still learning everyday. Ultimately, I have learned that a PW is an important role in her husbands ministry, and that you just have to be yourself. That's all. I'm not always as "sure-footed" as I should be, probably because of my lack of prayer; but, I try for the Lord every day and that is all that really matters. It took me much time and wasted energy and effort to find out that ministry is all about reaching the lost for Christ and helping them to mature to share Christ alike. It is not a popularity contest. Not every personality clings together, if you know what I mean. And getting left out is part of it sometimes which can be a blessing. There are many different folks that need ministered to. Certainly, there are widows, elderly and the sick...and there will always be "attention-seekers" and "chronic-complainers" that need to be prayed for and ministered to, and we should be Christlike in our actions towards His people. Sometimes it is nerve-racking when some seem to receive more attention than we do at home, but I've witnessed miracles and blessings due to ministering to those very ones that seem inconvenient or unnecessary. God's Word teaches us to pray for our pastors and husbands. Knowledge of God's Word and prayer and fasting is our safeguard and armour against the devil. We can intercede with prayer if we have FAITH without doubt. God will not bring more on any of us that we can't handle. There are times when I concern myself with things that are just not important to the ministry, and that's when problems will arise. It is all in how we handle our mind, will and emotions. We must support the ministry of our husbands or else God will move us out of the way in order to do His Will. God bless all of the PW for supporting their husbands obedience in his calling to preach. Surely there are some quacks out there so be in prayer for those who are outside the Will of God. Prayer will sustain you. No matter what situation you may face, turn to God's promises for encouragement: Hewbrews 4:16 tells us that the Word of God is where we "find grace to help us in our time of need". I pray for all PW and I hope that just one PW is encouraged or reassured of God's power. God Bless.

Sunni  10/15/02  Your post really encouraged me. Thank you and God bless you!

PWtoo   1/2/2004  You don't know how much this encouraged me thank you and God bless you, your husband and entire family! How is ministry going now as of 01-04 ?
MArta  10/3/02  A friend, also minister's wife, came to me with this question and I wasn't sure how to respond. This is about art and artists. I appreciate all the various great works of art, both old and contemporary, realistic, impressionistic and expressionistic, etc., and some of the great art works have nude subjects. Of course, I do not like art that is graphic or sexually provocative or explicit. I am a "born again" Christian and I honestly do my best to serve God an also a minister's spouse. However, when my friend came with the following questions, I wanted to give more than my opinion. I wanted to handle it in a biblically correct manner. As an artist, in part of her college training, she has to be in "life/figure" drawing classes where she has to perfect her skills at drawing a human (male & female) figure. In her class, the live models usually pose nude or in only a G-string. Mind you, this is not some black lacy thing it's a plain beige peice of cloth. Their renditions and poses for her class work always lean toward "classical" art, nothing sexually graphic or explicit. Or they have active poses (mimicking athletics) so they can observe the skeletal and muscular structure that would be the foundation for the human forms they paint or draw clothed later on. Is it sinful for a Christian artist to participate in such training? Also, would it be sinful for a Christian to pose as that kind of model (somebody has to do it and it pays well)? I know the Bible says we should not "uncover the nakedness" of another person, except between married couples. I know doctors must look at nude people during the course of their profession, so I wonder how it could or could not be justified by the artistic profession. Your thoughts and relevant scripture references would be helpful. A quick sound off as to weather or not you think it's right or wrong would help me. Thanks and may God bless all of you.

Cy-Key  10/9/02  Unfortunately, I don't have any answer to the art problem, but am facing a similar situation. I have always viewed an artistic treatment of the human body as dignified and honorable to God's creation. However, I'll soon be attending art school and my husband does not agree. He doesn't want me rendering nude, or semi-nude, males. Thinking it over, I wouldn't want him drawing nude females either. I know I am not lusting after the model, but is it immoral to produce art that others may feel lustful about? On the other hand, didn't the Catholic Church sponsor some of the greatest renaissance art ever made? They were FULL of nudies! On a side note, I had a collection of antique depression-era prints (Fox and Parrish paintings) depicting nude or scantily clad children in various garden scenes (all very gender neutral and innocent), but some folks from my church considered them indecent so I took them down. Is the problem in the art or the beholder? Lacking any specific scripture verse, I guess the best rule of thumb is to refrain from anything that causes a brother (or sister) to stumble. Just because it doesn't affect us sexually doesn't mean others won't take offense.

Ann  10/10/02  Marta, as for your friend the artist. Is she a christian? What is her ultimate goal? Could she get the same oppurtunity at a christian college or one that doesn't expect nudity? There are alot of beautiful masterpieces that don't include nudity, Scripture says "avoid even the very appearence of evil" Is the model and the finished art going to cause people to lust or be used to make humanity better as in the medical profession. Just some things for your friend to think about and consider.
Susannah  10/7/02  I am a pastor's wife and very much in need of finding a support/prayer/fellowship group for pastor's wives. Also, any other support for wives such as conferences. Are you aware of any such thing? I am in the New York city area. Thank you so much for your help!
Cy-Key  10/9/02  Hello all you wonderful saints of God! I am reading this board for the first time and it is both wonderful and terrifying! My husband (of 11 months) started seminary last month in answer to God's call on his life. However, God forgot to call ME! I DO NOT want to be a minister's wife and am praying God will allow me to embrace this new life for us (I am 37, he is 43). I know that He has a plan and a purpose for this situation, but why can't I be as excited as my husband is? I keep joking that perhaps God blessed me with the "gift of singleness", but it is a thin joke because I feel ready to bolt for the door. What's more, I am the "tentmaker". I support a family of four on minimum wage while we are going to drown in debt from student loans. I have tears in my eyes as I write this because I WANT to want God's will for our lives. But I don't want this. I have seen the abuse pastors and their families often take. Is this unusual? There is a support group for spouses at the seminary but I cannot be involved due to employment and commute time. I just want to run away. Do any of you have any words of encouragement? Have you ever felt this way? Please pray for me and my family. Thank you and God Bless!
Tina  10/10/02  I have just married a man who has been a preacher for 18 years. This is our second marriage. We have 7 kids. (4 his, 3 mine, only mine live with us) He took a year off when we married and is now looking for a church. [waiting for a call]. Since I have never been a pastor's wife and have only heard about what its like, i am hoping others could tell me the BEST and WORST part of their experiences. At times I feel overwhelmed by what might or will be expected of me. I really would just like to focus on raising our kids and supporting him but is this realistic? What do most congregations expect of the wife?
Norma  10/10/02  I have been scanning some of the emails that have been generated at this website and thought I'd give a short response. My husband was in ministry for 10 years, then out for 10 years. He is now in the process of re-entering the ministry. As I read these emails I realize that not much has changed regarding the questions, frustrations, and hopes experienced while serving God in a professional capacity. Please remember one thing. Many of the frustrations mentioned in ministry also occur in the working world. Both my husband and myself have held full-time careers for the past ten years. Over these ten years, I began to see that our struggles were not that different from our ministry struggles. There will always be tendancies in human beings toward over work, over sensitivity, thoughtlessness, and even sexual temptations. Hang in there when circumstances aren't to a danger point, but get professional help when you feel you need it. Don't make excuses for your husband, but support him in who he is and what God has called him to do. Please pray my husband as he is actively searching for a church at this time. Pray for me as I anticipate re-entry into the ministry.
Shequita  10/12/02  What are the duties of the first lady?
Sunni  10/15/02  Hi. I'm sorry this is so long. I just want to be real honest and vent some frustration and a little anger. I am a PW in my mid-30's. Married 14 years and two great kids, a 11 yr. Old and a 4 yr. Old. My husband & I are about two years into our 1st pastoral position at a small church. Spiritual background: My Dad died about a year and a half ago. I went thru a bit of a funk and a depression. This year, with prayer and a made up mind, I began to emerge from this dry season. God is my comfort and strength. Feeling the pull of the Holy Spirit, I began an evangelism class. My husband asked me to also do a shut-in ministry. I was not thrilled about that, but have done it faithfully and pleasantly because "my Pastor" asked me to. I also have to keep the ladies ministry running and am the youth S.S. teacher. Since coming out of my funk, I have tried, by the help and grace of God, to do my best in all these things, inasmuch as time and obligations permit. Family background. My husband is a good husband and father. He is an anointed and compassionate pastor. While I was grieving I let things around the house (chores) slide for awhile. I mean I did all the necessary stuff but was not as fastidious as in the past. I have been making an effort and improvement there again. We got a computer and little by little I discovered the web and re-established some friendships with old girlfriends in other states. Lately I have been visiting some message boards where Christian issues are debated. I feel like the Lord had opened the door for me to witness and encourage others in faith in Christ. This can be a spiritual battle sometimes, but because of the evangelism class I have been leading and a fondness/hobby for Apologetics, I welcome it and believe God has directed me there! Not only did I feel like I was planting some seeds for Christ, it was wonderful to be a part of stimulating and intelligent conversations (I'm a stay at home mom). My husband is very reluctantly supportive of this and it grieves me. He comes home from work or the ball field excited over this or that person he may have witnessed to and I rejoice with him. Some of the people who have posed questions to me on the boards have been Pagans or agnostics, and while I will never be swayed from my beliefs, after conversing and sharing my faith with them, I realize they might not changed from theirs either. I pray, I plant the seed for God. I have come to respect them as human beings though I don't accept their beliefs. Some seem to be decent people and they are polite and respectful of other's beliefs. Every once in awhile I joke with them. For instance, one time I said, "keep in touch, e-mail me and I promise I'll try not convert you" and then did one of those smileys. Do you know why I did this? Because I had felt God lead me, after presenting the gospel, to just be friendly and live the life before them. My husband was furious! He said how can you joke around when these people are going to hell? I tried to explain that I felt God leading me this way, but he didn't see it that way. Ever since that time I have felt tension when I'm online when he's around. Now he says he's is going to switch internet providers because he doesn't like the one we're with and wants to save money. The message boards are part of the internet service provider's community. He rarely gets online, so why should he even care? As for the saving money, I have never asked for much and our marriage has seen some very slim financial times. Here is one hobby that I finally like and he wants to take it away when cutbacks could easily be made elsewhere. He also threatened to stop the daily newspaper subscription several months ago. Like many people I read Dear Abby every day (not that I agree with what she says), the local news and forecast. He said I should be praying and reading my Bible instead of the newspaper. Does this sound odd to anyone but me? I am a grown woman. Last night I had finished bathing our youngest child and asked him to brush her teeth and tuck her in, he said, "No you do it. All you ever do is sit around on the computer all day." This hurts because I have been making an effort to be better with housework and chores and am witnessing to people about God. I am trying so hard and of course what gets focused on is the one thing I didn't do. I did the laundry but not the ironing (last week I ironed enough clothes for two weeks). Last night he watched the football game (I never could get into it), so I went online. He gets frustrated because we don't make love but how can I when he's so harsh with me. I can't help that it hurts me and turns me off when he says stuff like that. I don't want to play those with-holding games but when I feel like this I just want to be away from him. I do everything he asks in regard to the ministry and home. I am feeling like I am being treated like the oldest child rather than the wife. I have found myself thinking, I would never get married if I knew then what I knew now, except for my precious children. My husband is a good, decent man, but always having to answer for this or that gets tiring. Always having to put his needs, ego above mine and be concerned what will he think if I do this, it's getting old. He doesn't want the kids to believe in Santa, so we don't. Stuff like that. I just feel like I have deferred to him long enough. I have given up so much of myself, my family traditions (and I'm not talking about ones that are contrary to Jesus' teachings), my needs and it happened so slowly and gradually over time that I'm realizing it now and unhappy for it. There is no friend or family member I could or should talk to about this, I don't want to place anything derogatory on the man of God. He is a precious minister of God and I wouldn't want our family and friends to think otherwise. I want to be a loving and submissive wife. I want God's peace in our home. Thanks for letting me vent. I do feel a little better.

ann  10/24/02  I have found it very easy to spend alot of time on the internet and not even realize it. Are you able to restrict it to like an hour a day, or not even go a day without turning it on. My husband was pulled in. At first he was just talking to fishing buddies, then the girls who liked to talk fishing and then any kind of chat rooms and lots of pornography. Maybe your husband feels his time is being threatened by spending your time talking with others alot you have never met. Yes the internet can become an addiction. Get some good counseling before either one of you doesn't want try. It probally isn't the internet thats the problem. You said you had given up alot and you may resent it. Again get help while you still want it to work. My regret is we stopped having fun with each other everything became so serious, we stopped taking our little day trips, we didn't enjoy our time anymore. We stopped talking about our hopes and dreams. We used to be each others best friend. He didn't care about mine and I guess I didn'nt care about his. Talk to each other about everything [all the things you just wrote about.] I bet he's felling some of the same things you are. I am prayin for you. You have a wonderful future.
PSimple  10/17/02  (Sharing idea) Early this year my husband and I were ordained My husband has been preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ for 11 years and I for 6 years he has put in for serveral churches to Pastor but each time he is declined. One of the reasons I believe is because of how he has over the last four years of our five year marriage, emotionally abused me as his wife. However it got so bad I finally ask him to please stop mistreating me and when he got my note he moved out. But I want to share that even through this happened I am sure of one thing and that is God is in Control and he does have a plan in ministry for both my husband and I and when God gets through chastising his own child I know he will return him back to me and our marriage will be better than it was in the first place. I believe at that point God will give him a true ministry and a Pastorate. I realize that our marriage in the shape it was in was not pleasing to God. Even though I prayed for God to fix it. I praise God for not allowing the enemy to steal myself esteem. I want to encourage anybody that is in partner ministry and having double trouble in their marriage "GOD sees he knows and he cares just be patience he will deliver and he will restore. God Bless you all.
renae  10/25/02  Hey..What a wonderful website, I have truly enjoyed reading all of the responses and have been tediously writing all the book suggestions down. I am currently an evangelist's wife - we focus on outreach - soulwinning, Bible Studies, church outreach structure.. I believe that we are about to go from being itinerant to accepting a senior pastor position. We have been in the ministry for 3 1/2 years, been married for 4 and have a beautiful 20mth old. It will be our first church to pastor and I am excited but slightly overwhelmed. I have many ideas that I would like to see happen in the church, but I have enough wisdom to know that there is a time for everything. If you have any ideas or suggestions please let me know...love all of you...God has a plan for everyone of you!!!
Working Minister's wife  10/30/02  Request: I am a minister, a minister's wife and mother of 2 children, ages 12 -soon to be 13 and 11. My heart's desire is to be able to find at home typing jobs that will allow me to make money but also be home and more free to minister to my family. I have put my petition before the Lord and know it won't be long now but in the meantime I need words of encouragment, and your prayers of agreement. I thank God I found this website!
CC  11/6/02  The last entry that I have seen here has been in 1998 or 1999 - I am especially responding or wondering about the message in regards to "Williams 1/8/98". Has anything come of your situation? or is there anyone else out there that can relate to this story? I am going through the same thing but I have a little different twist. Not only am I "new" Minister's wife, but I am also raising two stepchildren and expecting another - before I moved to a new town and church, I was not very active in the church as much as I am now but at least then I enjoyed going - I am part of a very small congregation and I am the only young adult (30's) besides my husband. I am very discouraged with going to church and I am tired of the things I am "supposed to" do. I dont feel like I can be myself at all!!! I pray that the Lord will place me where I can best serve him- I just dont feel like it is here, not in this town, not in this church and sometimes I wonder if marrying my husband was a mistake - my whole family is practically the whole congregation and I just dont know where to turn anymore.... Someone help!!!!
Ver  11/7/02  HELP! I am a new pastor wife my husband feels I'm not supporting him enough, the church has about 10 members, we started about 3month ago. My husband is so head strong that I feel that I can't say anything to him about anything. I feel like I'm alone out here trying to figure out what to do and how to be. I'm pregnant and has gone through problem in carrying the baby. There so much I want to say but I don't know how to put into words. I have know christian friends everone I have tried to be friends too has put my husband and I down some kind of way. My husband has told me that he can't teach me anything and that I should go to another church. I don't believe ,I believe it's a trick of the devil but, my husband don't see the tricks. And I'm the blame for everything in our life's - Tell me what to do. HELP!
Ingyann  11/7/02  Hi, I am currently dating a pastor, which has been going on for about a year now. The problem is that some people in the church are really jealous of me and have tried various ideas to break us up, and our relationship is only starting to get better now, 6 months later. God has told me that he is the right person in a prophecy, as well as confirmation through sermons and other people sharing. I'm not sure I can handle people like this at church, I have felt so rejected lately, even though a lot of people do like me. The pastor is afraid to show his affections towards me in church because of what certain people will say. I am not sure how I will be able to handle this, but is just seems that there is so much against our relationship, and i feel that everytime I go to church I feel like people watch my every move. Please if anyone has any advice, could you let me know how you think I should go about this. Thank you.

aba  12/11/02  I have the same same same problem and i think i know what yo mean, i can't have any friends in the church because i don't know who to trust. It is so difficult being in that position. Tell me if you get any good ideas.

CAY  12/26/02  Ingyann and aba, I am in a similar situation. I, too, am currently courting a pastor. It is a very unique, yet enjoyable situation. Unfortunately, I don't think there is a solution to the problem of friends in the church. I have had little difficulty with this, as I have good Christian friends at my work who do not go to my church and I am able to talk with them. However, I have been learning many lessons about being in ministry. One of which, is that having close friends in the church is not always a good idea. I would encourage you to seek out Christian's who don't go to your church for friendship. Still spend time with those in your church, but have friends outside of the church, as well. I have an even more interesting situation, in that my best friend who I have been friends with for more than 20 years, is the pastor's sister and she goes to our church. While she and I remain to be close friends, there are many things that go on and that are shared with me, that I simply cannot talk to her about. I have noticed a difference in our friendship because of this. Fortunately, she is very understanding and we are able to remain close. I constantly am praying that God will prepare me for role of being a minister's wife, if that is His plan. I think that this is one of the most important things we can do. I might not have ever thought I would date a pastor or become a pastor's wife, but I am open and obedient to God's plan for my life. I would encourage you to spend much time in prayer, seeking God's will. It is certainly a unique position to be courting a pastor, but as I said, I am enjoying my relationship tremendously and thank God daily, that there are good Christian men, like the one that I am courting.

aba  1/15/03  thanks Cay for the encouragement

Amy  1/15/03  In response to Aba 12/11/02: I kinda know how you feel. I am only 22 years old, and since our church is small (home missions - 20-30 people) I am the youngest adult in the church! We have one lady that has been in church for over 45 years and is a capable of doing ANYTHING which was really frustrating to me. I figured why should I do anything since she could probably do it better. Everyone makes comments about my age and how 'young' I am. When we first started this church I was having such a pity party until my husband straightened my out. He said that God called ME to be the Pastor's wife.. not anyone else! I finally realized that there is nothing I can do about my age and if people are hung up over it then that is their problem not mine. God has given me a gift and I'm going to use it! I have now noticed that the ladies in our church now defer to me on decisions when before they made them on their own. Hang in there!!
Jacqui V  11/10/02  I am a methodist minister's wife in England. I found your support page by accident. We are struggling at the moment with one of our churches expecting our children to be perfect because they are the minister's children. It is a long story and has left a lot of hurts. I have been asked to write an article for the local paper about being a minister's wife and realised that while I was doing so a lot of the hurts, pain and anger were coming out in the article. They are looking for an article which contains funny stories etc. At the moment I can't think of any 'funny' minister's wife incidents. Can anyone help please.
5555  11/11/02  not so much as a question or responses,we are christian and we go to a church well it is not in order so it vexion my husband spirit and he want to leave the church and he teach sunday school on sunday morning and i teach on thursday night and sunday school on sunday morning to the the children so it seen he is not happy there i can't talk to no one about this because you don't no who to truth with this so iam writing to you to get a answer to this i pray to god and i'm waiting on his answer and keep praying for myself and him for the lord to fix in this case we have to pray for the pastor there for order in the church sometime he say he is going to stay and then he say he want to leave to me he is not stable he want his own church but he is not doing what he suppose to be doing at that church he don't go to church like he suppose to and alway talking about what going on in the church to me so i need someone to talk to so answer me back thank you very much
Amy  11/14/02  I am 32 and married for 2 years. My husband since we have been married has had visions of him being a pastor someday. I have had these visions as well as other friends of ours. And it looks like it might coming true within the next year. The new church that we are a part of is new and small but will grow with time. The pastor knows that my husband will eventually be a pastor there. He also confides in my husband on several issues. And my husband confides in me what is said. Unfortunetly I accidentally repeated something and it caused some tension. But at the time I said, it, it was out of general concern. I never meant to hurt anyone. But now I know that it was wrong and I prayed to God for forgiveness. I need to know that even though my husband is not a pastor yet, I want to conduct myself as a pastors wife for now. I think communication is good but where do I draw the line? What is the role of a pastor wife when it comes to these types of issues?

Southerngirl  12/12/02  I have just discovered this board and have found so many of these posts interesting. Many represent various feelings I have had at some point in our ministry. I have been a pastor's wife for almost 10 years and have loved the role God has given me.(most of the time) First, just let me say that the "role" of the pastor's wife has changed greatly from that of 50 years ago. My opinion is that your first and foremost job is to take care of your husband and children. There are many jobs in the church which others can do, but you are the only one who is your husband's wife. You are supporting his ministry by taking care of him and providing a peaceful place of refuge at home. You are the only one who can write that note of thank you to a member of the congregation and you should be the one who is available to hear his joys and frustrations. Every church is different, and everyone has various ideas about what your "role" should be. My husband firmly believes I should do things in the church for which I have a passion--not because I am his wife.(As my grandmother, who was a pastor's child said, "Do what the Lord wants you to do, NOT what the elders or deacons wives think you should do.") My husband has also placed limits for me(as a means of protecting me) so that our family time is not infringed upon. We are still in the lifestage in which our children are at home, so my activities are mainly geared arouond them.(God entrusts them to us for such a short time). Regarding matters of confidentiality, I'll just tell you what has been our practice. There are many (most) things he does not tell me(issues regarding other members, discussed at elders meetings,etc) which he doesn't communicate to me. He does this for 2 reasons:If I am ever asked about an issue, I can honestly tell him that I have no knowledge of it; Also, he knows me too well and realized that I will hold grudges towards people or feel unusually burdened when not necessary. He shares lots of things with me pertaining to him, his feelings,etc. but protects me, in a sense, too. Being a pastor's wife is a true calling. My husband will only go to a church if I feel called there too, and would only stay if I wanted to stay. Church life isn't always a bed of roses(which is the main reason this support board is in existence) and there have been low times, too.(we are experiencing a little bit of that right now) WE both will stay in ministry as long as we feel called as a team and I am thankful I have such a great partner. We are all sinners, so there will always be conflict in the church.(a good reminder!!) After having a pretty tough week last week, not knowing how I would even face certain people at church on Sunday, the Lord brought to mind the verse in Philippians which says, "Act in a manner worthy of the gospel." I need to constantly remind myself that I need to make sure God works through me in order for my home and my husband's ministry be a place of grace.

nancy  11/21/02  hello, i stumbled on your sight,and i think the Lord Jesus has sent me here. I've been a pastors wife about 3 years, and i love it, But there are somethings i just don't understand and i need HELP!ist what is my really true roll as his wife and to the church. i can't seem to keep my ladies instrusted in anything. it seems that everybody has lost their desire to even serve the Lord. we are looseing members, tithe payers. My husdand and i have been praying for some answers "what are we doing wrong?"we do everything possible. i know somewhere some how we got out of the will of God. be i don't know where. i have nobody that could even come close of what i'm feeling right now. i fell like that i have felled My Lord. are we suppose to diffrent? meaning not to get to close with congragation. we are a very small church. i know for one thing we won't compromize the Word of God. but how do we get the people to realize that. what Jesus tells us in the Bible. He means it . Matthew 15:8,9 tells us "people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoreth me with their lips;but their hearts are far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of man. why do people won't set under the truth? please i need help. i need to my works and my job. i read 1cor 7,1tim, all things that refrence to the marriage and the ministry. tell me how to become a true pastors wife! thank you very much.

GRACE  11/21/02  HI...I am an Elder's wife on a full time team. Our churches believe in the office of an "Elder", and that is what we are, and "{astoring" is what we "do"...Whatever... I just love it...(most days!!!)... We have been full time for 3 years, Eldering together for 4... in the same church for 10. We have had our problems as a couple... I am now a delivered alcoholic (10 years), was really "in the world" and gave Jesus NO glory with my life until He ripped me out of the miry clay and I had a real change of heart.... our churh is +- 1500 strong, and we have 3 congregations... my husband and I oversee and undergird one. My "challenge" isn't with any of the people we love and look after.. it's with our Lead Elder and his wife... in the "natural", we would never ever mix, but on team, well.. . doesn't God just have His "ways and means committee" waiting to stretch you to His limit??? Well... to say the least... we are learning how "not" to do things... there seems to be this continual "cutting down" with "reckless remarks" that we seem to overcome, and then wham! Here comes another one... My "challenge" and I am waiting on the Lord for the answer (and He may use any one of YOU!!!!) is that when does the "flesh" take over from the "spirit"? I believe we have to chose the weopons of cour warfare for the battlefield we are in, and YES prayer is ALWAYS good, but I am up against a lashing tongue, and accusations and "perceptions" that are off the wall, that surely aren't coming form the enemy, as man has a choice to deliberately hurt others....oh my... this is good even writing about it... thanks Lord... but I really would like a comment or 20.... much love, and remember this Scripture... 1 Peter 4:11..."... for those who serve, we should do only what the Lord Himself has given us the strength to do, so that He may be glorified...." so often the "strength" get sapped from us by well-meaning people, and we get into striving... love you all LOTS... but Jesus loves you MORE!!!!

elroyp  12/1/02  Ever since my husband has been on staff at a church he has not been happy. As a lay person he loved working with the church. Now after accepting a call to full time vocational ministry and almost 7 years he is still searching. I was under the impression that being in God's will would fill your life with joy and not pain. My husband thinks now that he doesn't want to be in ministry anymore- just serve somewhere as a lay person. 1. I thought a call was for life? 2. Will my husband ever truly be happy? How does he find this in the midst of so much turmoil? 3. Should we keep moving and uprooting to find happiness? I know that joy comes from the Lord, so why is he so miserable?

abigail  12/2/02  Dear Sisters, I found your chat room today, the day after my husband resigned a church we've pastored for over 10 years. We left a church after pastoring there 5 years where we weathered a major storm and God brought growth. My husband said that God spoke to him during a service and seemed to put a shield between him and the congregation. Within a few weeks we were brought into the congregation we're now leaving. The day we arrived we were told that a man who was the educational director had wanted to be pastor, and he and his wife seemed to hate us though we had never met. Within the year they were permitted to start a new church in the area by our denomination. Lies were spread about our church from the beginning. Since we've been here, gossip and rebellion have been the order of the day. My husband had good relationships for the first 5 years but that began to slip as he felt the board members weren't concerned about his need for an associate pastor to help with administrative duties, nor were they concerned about our financial needs, with 5 children and medical bills. Over the years there have been strong-willed members who've sought their own following and agenda. There have been so many discouragements that my husband went into a 2-year depression which nearly put him in the hospital (and should have, looking back), but he kept going, kept preaching anointed messages. During that 2-year period he had ONE visit from a member of the congregation, and not one visit from a deacon. He finally sought medical help and for year didn't tell me he was on anti-depressants for fear I wouldn't approve. It was nearly devastating to me to watch him so depressed that he literally couldn't get out of bed at times, and he looked like a zombie most days. When he was awake, he would lie in a recliner with his eyes closed through the day. He rarely went anywhere. I was trying to keep our lives together, trying to encourage the church that he would be o.k. I've never been so lonely in my life. I had no one to talk with, no one I felt I could trust enough. With a year of counseling and medical help, he came back gradually, but has faced continual opposition. In the past 2 years he has talked about wanting a sabbatical, and we applied for one which was not granted. He decided to try to take a "sabbatical within the ministry" by doing what he wanted and needed to do. He didn't explain this to anyone, and I saw the misunderstanding growing among the congregation. I tried to warn him that this was having a negative impact, but he said I was just being fearful. He worked very hard at our finances which have been a great burden with college loans and medical bills for one child who has had major depression; he has also decided to invest in real estate and began to start a little business. All this greatly concerned me, seeing his interest in the church flagging, so I did my best to help by visiting people and counseling and preaching and leading prayer meeting. There have been times when I've preached or led meetings that he hasn't even attended. I felt so "uncovered" that I didn't want to go, but he would insist it was fine, God would be with me. I submitted to this, but continually prayed for God's help and intervention, and finally decided I would have to let things happen however they did. He kept telling me that he was about ready to gear up and give the ministry his full attention again. Well, just as he was doing that, the board decided he had lost the vision and they demanded his resignation. He said their reasons were all trivial, which according to what he told me they were. I fully supported him, knowing at the same time that this had to happen. I believe he loves the Lord, but because of discouragement and opposition just got so weary that he subconsciously worked himself into a position of being made to quit so he didn't just quit himself. All the efforts I've made in the past to warn him have been rebuffed. Now that he has resigned (and many people were sad to see us go), there will certainly be lots said about what happened. I fear that he will continue to give reasons rather than face the fact that in reality this is what he wanted. I think we need a change, and I think we both need the rest. But I also think he needs to face his own part in this resignation. All past attempts to "face him with the truth" lead to my being accused of criticizing him. I love this man. I am devoted to him. He is a wonderful preacher and a man of wisdom. How can I best be his "helpmeet?"

Minnie  12/2/02  SOMEBODY OUT THERE HELP ME!! My husband started Pastoring a Church 2 1/2 years ago. We are a very small church (15-20 people) When I married him 14 years ago, he told me that he was called to be a Pastor one day. I said he was crazy! It wasn't him being a Pastor, it was ME being a Pastor's wife. I am a very Loud & crazy girl. I've always been this way. I am a natural leader-and very out-spoken. My husband on the other hand is very quite & soft spoken. He loves & believes in people. You might say he's like a Charles Stanley and I'm like a Joyce Myers (not minstry wise but personality wise) I can't seem to develope a close relationship with other women in the Chruch. But my husband everyone looks for! Should I just learn to keep my mouth shut & keep to myself? Because if doesn't seem like I have friends anyway.

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KAR  12/5/02  I found this website during a time when I was really struggling in my heart. My husband has been pastoring for the past 12 years, and most of the time, I love it! There are times, however, when it has been so difficult and heartbreaking, that I've wanted to quit. But the Lord has kept me and taught me many things through all the hardships. Sometimes I wonder why ANYBODY would choose to be in the ministry if they knew how much grief there was involved. But then, you go through a season where there's lots of fruit -- lives being changed, etc -- and you know it's ALL worth it! When I read some of the messages on this board, it causes me to count my many blessings. One thing I'd like to share is something a Christian leader said to us, "Success is obeying Jesus." Isn't that the truth? Sometimes it's hard. And sometimes it costs us -- but it's worth it! May God richly bless all of you pastors wives. It's a tough spot -- but if God has called you, he will make a way!

Eunice  12/10/02  Question: I've been dating a minister for two years now. He lives about 200 miles away. I see him maybe 3 times a year, but talk to him many times every day. He's never visted me, because he said it's not the right time. When I visit he's so concern about what my children (who are grown) are saying about our relationship. He's very private and very spiritual. I love him because of his his relationship with God. I'm Hebrew Isaralite and his is Non-demonational. I have no problem with his belief or mode of worship. My father was Baptist, so I feel I'm both and we serve the same God, one God. I've asked him when will he take me to his church, he said it's not time yet. I've been to other congregations with him, but not his. He has told me he is in love with me, and he is the type of man that would not lie about his feelings. It's very hard for him to express his feelings, because of being hurt in the past. I want to share a life with him and he knows; however we are taking it slowly. Am I wasting my time? Are there any retreats for women/men dating ministers?

12/10/02  I have a question....I am a pastor's wife and I would like to know if there is a website on how to build a solid woman's ministry in the church? Or what do you need to build a solid woman's ministry in the church..I looked everywhere but could not find a thing...Could someone please help me?

Aba  12/11/02  I am 23 and my husband is a pastor of a 150 memeber church, wwe met in the church and I had been through so much persecution in the church before we started a relationship. There have been a few people who have spead malicious gossip about me, my attitude and realtionship with other men which has been really painful. I find it very diffiult to function in my position because although these people do not come out to say anything to me I hear all sorts of things and whatever i do s never good enough, i feel like i am being watched every step of the way and they are just waiting for me to fail and then have something to say. i love m husband very much but sometimes i jus want to quit. there is a lady deacon who has been taking up the pastor's wife's role for ages even before i started the church and she sees me as a little girl and therefore my authority is always undermined. i am rally tired of trying.

aba  12/16/02  I am not yet a pw, I a getting married next year. I started dating my fiancee soon after he was transfered to our branch. Prior to that I had had so many problems, from rape right down to a whole lot. I felt really neglected and did not want to keep on living, I didn't believe in myself at all. The friends that i had turned out to be people who were feeding on my weakness and taking real advantage of me. For about a year i was abused mentally by these people and i was so trapped i just couldn't get out and had no friends or family to turn to. Finally I gathered the courage to fight back and it turned nasty, they said so many nasty things about me to any body who would listen, they branded in a fornicator, husband theif to all the negatives you can think of. By the grace of God I am a lot stronger and in a happy relationship. I am very much in love with my fiance but sometimes he says i don't allow him to get on with his work and make him feel guilty for serving God. That is not my intention at all because I have always wanted to be with a God fearing man, we hardly spend time now and i feel like we have been married for ages. Please pray for me because i know he needs my help to build the church, I get tired sometimes from work to university. I do actually do a whole lot I am already in the executive board of all the groups in the church and I do a lot in the church. But I still feel I need support and help on how to be an effective pastor's wife. Do they hold conferences in London for pastors spouses because I would love to go. Another thing is a whole lot of young and old women hate me because they wnat to be with my fiancee how do I deal with this?

LIZ  12/19/02  I am so thankful today, God takes care of those who honor him. When the problems in the church seem to much and you feel like crying or you feel like your the only one going through problems . GOD HONORS THOSE WHO HONOR HIM.GOD IS GOOD !!!!!!!!!

Trish  12/28/02  Sarah, Sometimes I feel this way too. And it makes me feel awful. My husband has a temper also and yells at our children alot. He works hard for the church, then he comes home and watches television. I feel alone in raising our children. I love him, but sometimes I feel my life, and our children's lives would be better if he were gone. If you would like to keep in touch with someone my email, contact Rock Dove for my e-mail address.

Marsha  1/7/03  You mentioned that you felt it was time to leave your church and now your husband isn't really putting any effort into the search process. This is something that you must commit to prayer, both for your husband and for yourself. Be very careful that your desire to leave the church is not because you yourself want to move on to another work. It does get discouraging at times to be the pastor's wife, but think of the pastoral ministry as a "family business" of sorts. There will always be days when you want to give it all up and move on to something else. There will always be "bumps in the road" so to speak. Be patient, bathe your concerns in prayer, and keep your ministry in prayer as well.

Trish  12/28/02  My husband has been a minister at our current church for 3 years. I feel it is time to leave and he keeps saying he will look for something new but hasn't put too much effort into it. I know that if my husband wasn't the minister here I would not be attending this church. If anyone has some advice for me I'd greatly appreciate it.

tryinghard  1/3/03  Can a Assistant Pastor's Wife cut her hair? I am also a minister. I am from a penetoscostal church (mispelled) that belive women should not cut their hair. I think the scripture that they use if the women should not be shaven and I cor 11. I really enjoy this new look. I am a breast cancer survivor. I lost all my hair. And when it began to grow back I liked the new look. I am beginning to feel quilty because I am not following my pastors belief of the scripture or the rules set for the ministers. Please, Please help give me some understanding. I know I will soon have to conform or else. I have young people looking at me, I need to be an example, I don't want to be stumble block, is all things that have been said to me. Can I get your coomments today before I go for the weekend.

Weary  1/3/03  God is amazing in literally telling me to search "youth pastors wives praying" and I found this website. I am encouraged by the words of comfort and even the words of struggles I have read. I just recently got married to a youth pastor who is a wonderful husband. I have been struggling in how much to serve with my husband. I use to teach third grade Sunday School and working with the Youth is all very new to me. Thankfully, God has given me a love for the youth which is a miracle in itself. I plan to work with my husband on Sunday's in leading the youth to evangelize. I also was teaching partially on youth Wednesday nights but I quit because I was feeling burnout in all the ways I was serving. I am also a full time elementary school teacher who is having a lot of difficulty with a class of special ed students and "slow learners". Please pray for God to make it clear how he wants me to serve. I am slowly learning to not care about people's expectations in the church or what they think of me but just to obey GOD!

Bernice  1/5/03  I found out 3 years ago that my husband of 27 years was a bisexual and had acted on his attractions to men via pornography, phone sex and internet chatrooms. I was devastated and 2 years of therapy hasn't erased all the anger and pain. Unfortunately, my pastor husband does not think he needs any kind of therapy. He is "white knuckling " his temptations and in the process, seems to have shut down all of his sexual feelings/attractions toward me. I have prayed about this situation and could use some support. Any advice will be well received. Thank you.

Laura  1/7/03  THOSE WHO NEED ENCOURAGEMENT PLEASE READ :0) One of my favorite verses has become Mark 6:31 "And He said to them, 'Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest a while' (For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.)" I have to let ya'll know (yes, I'm from TX!) that I'm not a PW but I've been dating one for over a year. But that's not necessarily the point. The point is that ALL of us get tired when we pour ourselves out "like drink offerings" as Paul said. Even Jesus realized that His disciples needed to be refreshed. I've learned through many yrs. as a Christian and doing part-time ministry that it's OK to take some time to renew your spirit. Remember how Jesus went away to a secluded place to spend time with God. He gave us that example. It's OK to feel worn out when all you do is give, give, give. It's NORMAL (whatever that means...lol). Unless our cup is filled by God daily, then we won't be able to spill over into others lives. It just broke my heart to hear all of you beautiful hearted ladies being so battle-weary. We need to tend to each other when we're in the battle together. The only reason I can't write these things at the ripe-old age of 23 is b/c I've walked the road of depression and I've seen how Jesus really DOES want to meet my every need. And HE IS all we will ever need. Please don't feel that it's wrong to seek solitude or to get help from others when you feel "all beat up". Know that someone is always praying for you. May joy & peace be yours in Christ Jesus.

Ianswife  1/7/03  Hi everyone, I thank God I found this sight. Reading some of the entries was really difficult for me because, I can feel some of your pain. I just became an asst. Pastor's wife (in our church they are Elders), but still the same as an asst. Anyway,, my husband was ordained on Dec. 22. Prior to that we were very active and considered leader's in the church. Our Senior Pastor and his wife had been having major, and I mean MAJOR marital issues. She is very stubborn outspoken, and would basically wanted to rule the house (her words, not mine). She has had a significant change within the last month. God really stepped in and took care of all the issues in a way that only God can. In the middle of all this bickering was me and my husband and she really caused a major undermining of us in the church, which we all are just recovering from when she broke down and cried because she said she didn't know where she fit in. So her husband, removed a few ministies that my husband and I where overseeing and gave them to her. Including the marraige ministry. I am so crushed because I know what God has placed in me and we have done so much to put the ministries together and in order (when we got them they were in disarray) members didn't know what to do, who to talk to, etc. I feel so bad for her that she doesn't understand her place, but I am really just learning mine. I never expected to be a Pastor's wife. I know through God all things are possible, but I am so afraid of letting him down. In fact, I don't want to let my husband down either. Any advice on how I can assist our Senior Pastor's wife and also learn myself? I have already been told to look to her for help, but if she doesn't know how can I learn from her? Anything at this point is appreciated. God bless you all!!

Kristin  1/11/03  I, too, am an associate pastor's wife. Unlike you, however, I am extremely blessed to have a very Godly senior pastor's wife to learn from. She also happens to be my mom. My father is the senior pastor of our Charismatic/Presbyterian church. My husband is his associate. My dear father tells a story about how many years ago when he was called to a church in Oklahoma, the board asked him what kinds of gifts my mother would bring to the church. They were hoping for a very gifted, vocal sort of pastor's wife who could lead women's studies, etc. My mother, who is a very godly, but also a very shy person, was also trying to raise five children. My father kindly informed them that they were hiring him, not his wife. Her main job was to be a helpmeet to my dad and a mother to their children. Of course, if she wanted to teach Sunday school or something like that, it was up to her. But my father made it clear that the church wasn't to expect anything of my mother other than her being a faithful lover of Jesus Christ which is what we all should be regardless of whether or not our husbands are pastors. All through my mother's many years (40 to be exact) of being a pastor's wife, she has diligently tried to lead the women of the church by her example of faithfulness and support to my father. It would be outside of my mother's gifting to teach a Bible study. But I'll tell you something. Her example to the women in our church has probably been more beneficial than 100 Bible studies. Being in charge of a "ministry" really doesn't matter. What truly matters is the example that we as pastor's wives set before the other women of the church. Do we honor our husbands? Do we verbally respect them? Are we godly mothers who enjoy our children and consider them blessings? This is what really counts. So my advice to you is this: it doesn't matter if your senior pastor's wife has taken over your ministries. The reality is that the church doesn't belong to your senior pastor, or to your husband or to you. The church belongs to Jesus Christ. He sees what is going on. He knows. Therefore, be godly, be humble, and respond correctly and in due season, your family will be honored. Most importantly, if you set the example of what a godly pastor's wife should be, then you will have more positive influence than if you ran every ministry in your congregation. May God bless you as you seek to honor Him.
Deb  1/9/03  I am so glad to find this sight. My husband answered the call to preach at the age of 33. Our lives changed dramatically. Then 1 & 1/2 yr ago he took a small church in our hometown. I never realized all the trials OUR pastor and especially his wife went through. I was very active in the church I grew up in, taught the youth, officer in our women's auxilliary, etc. But now, as the PASTOR"S WIFE I find that the women of this church don't want me to do anything. (Or so I feel) I feeel guilty if I don't do things, but then get hurt when I try to lead. I try to look back, and realize that the pastor's wife that I was so close to in our old church also didn't head any committees, hold any offices or teach any classes. This is a hard adjustment for me. I feel sometimes like I could just drop out and no one would care. This week has been very depressing for me. My mentor, the lady mentioned above (I love and miss her so much) did give me one piece of advice, "Keep you eyes on Jesus" if you don't, the devil will drag you under! I guess I'm just on a pity pot, but as great as that advice is, sometimes its hard. I'm comforted to know that others feel the same way I do. Thanks for listening.
First Lady  1/10/03  I have been a pastors wife for about 1 year and 2 months. Our ministry is rather small right now because my husband relocated and is reestablishing ministry in a new area. We have had several struggles during this year, and I was wondering where you get strength and the belief that things will get better. Past issues still play a roll in my husbands life, but he feels that I should not be worried and just be happy. How can I? I trust God, but he has also had some health issues. I feel like he is closer to members that he knew from years ago in his prior ministry. Especially one young lady who is 27. I am 39 and he is 42. He previously pastored for 20 years. How do we get over this particular of our lives? Also I feel he puts ministry before me. I was taught in my previous ministry, God first, then family, then ministry. He feels that God and ministry go strictly together. He gets frustrated a lot of the time and I don't know exactly how to deal with the whole situation. Help!
mommakae  1/10/03  What do you do when someoneleaves your church fellowship and then begins to call your members and try to get them to leave and tell lies about you and your husband? I am at a real breaking point b/c I feel all I ever did was love these people...Thanks for your thoughts and advice

SMILEY  3/19/03  I can relate to what your feeling...My husband has pastored 5 years and assisted 5 years prior. During this time, we lost a family that was precious to me. We gave the BEST of our time to them. Their 'excuse' for leaving our congregation appeared to be valid and we gave them an honorable dismissal, but once they were gone I was hurt to find out lies that were being said. I felt a great betrayal. They too, contacted people from our church and still keep in touch with some even after 2 years. At first, I was angry and literally wanted to speak my mind to them and to people at church in defense. In time, God healed my hurt and I came to realize "I have to be the bigger person in this situation". I can either get down to the level of bickering and/or reveal their weaknesses or I can just "bless those that curse me". I realized God is my defender! That situation helped me to become stronger and accept 'constructive' criticism. It is amazing how in time people in our own church revealed how they really felt and I never had to 'talk about them or defend myself' in return. Those that are truly committed to your church will not be hindered by what others say and in time will see the truth (even though it may take a while). God truly is your defender...learn through this situation, forgive them and know what the devil meant for evil, God means for good.
A.P.wife  1/13/03  I am an Assistant Pastor's wife. My husband's job includes counseling, visitation, leading bible studies, and some preaching. (Other info: married 8 years, in ministry 3 years, have 2 yr. boy and 1 yr. girl). I'm wondering if the pressures on the assistant pastor's wife are a little different. I'm not sure how to define my current frustrations. I guess it feels to me that there are more expectations and less respect (than the Senior Pastor's wife gets) from many in the congregation. I feel used because women want to buddy up with me because it makes them feel good. Can I no longer have an opinion? If I do I'm quoted (for better or worse). If I remain silent then I'm "uncaring" or worse the church seems uncaring. As the assistant pastor's wife I tend to hear more of the complaints and frustrations of the church body and I am often sought after for counsel. Therefore I always know more than I want to and can do less about it. Does that make any sense? Happily we have a good relationship with the Senior Pastor and his wife and we have a very supportive elderboard.
Amy  1/14/03  I just found this website and am thankful for a place that PWs can pour out their feelings without the risk of rejection or embarassment. I am 22 and have been married for 3 1/2 years to a minister. My husband had already been evangelizing for 5 years when we married and after 2 1/2 more we started a home missions church in a town (and state)where we know no one (9 months ago). It has been difficult, but I know that the Lord is really working. I knew that I was going to be a PW since I was 11, although sometimes I wonder why in the world did I ever pray for this!?! I think the hardest part in being an encourager to my husband when he is down. Our church is small (20) and mostly related to each other, although they are very talented and hardworking saints... they are also very strong-willed and give my husband fits over everything. It's amazing how scared the devil gets when you start praying... the problems only start when we do prayer revival... or start early moring prayer at the church. Hoewever, I know that our God is able to preform exceedingly, abundantly more than we could ask or think (and I have a pretty big imagination). I am excited to see how God will work. Please pray for us in our new work. I was discouraged when I started reading this website.. but now I know I am NOT alone.. and that Satan does not have a hold on our life or our church!! God Bless.
kay  1/14/03  I ask for prayers for my husband as he begins the process of looking for a change of churches. we are in the Disciples of Christ denomanation and have been at our present church for close to 9 years. we both feel strongly that it is time for us to move on, but currently we are having much difficulties with our thirteen year old who has tourette Syndrome. We have been un successful in finding a medication which helps to relive his synptoms and he is having a difficult time with this disorder. He feels very angery about it and is exausted almost all of the time. we are unsure as to how this move will be taken by him. Please pray for us! If anyone out there has a child with tourettes I would very much like to correspond with you! Thank you and God bless
Jo  1/14/03  I am a correspondent for a newspaper in northcentral Texas. (Wichita Falls) I would like to write a feature on the "ups and downs" of being a pastor's wife. What I need are some first-person experiences. Just a couple of paragraphs written in first person. I don't need real names but would like an age, denomination and number of years in the ministry. Also, a general location... such as Southern Georgia.. small town, large church, etc. Thanks for your help.

hopeless  2/3/03  I could fill your ears for hours. Most of it I'm sure would blow your mind.Please respond if you are interested in what I have to say. I have been a pastor's wife for 7 years in Central California.

Dannah  2/17/03  Boy, Jo, I can give you stories and incidents that could fill your ups and downs of a pastor's family's life. My husband has been in his last pastorate for 10 years. It seems that my non Christian friends treat our family alot better than our church family. I wonder were their hearts really are. It's a sad state that there seems to be more downs than ups for pastors and their families. I think that when someone wants to join a church there needs to be a class on how members should treat their pastors and families.
newlook  1/17/03  I am submitting this entry after reading some very touching stories. I can see myself in several of these entries. I just want to let all of the PW know that being "called by his side" is a great undertaking. You have to do many things that go unnoticed and unappreciated, however, God has a way of consoling you and carring you through the rough times. My advise to all of you is the find time to be intimate with God, not just your normal devotional time but true intimacy. Find your self being able to actually feel is him breathe on you. I guarantee that if you apply this type of worship experience to your life your will be able to face your challenges in a new way. He is waiting for you to depend completely on him and not on your pastor/husband. There are so many things that your pastor/husband has to do and deal with and he may not always have time to do the things that he used to, but remember that part of your calling is to minister to him in a way that only you can! Be strong in the Lord and in the Power of his might! God's got a blessing for you!
SUNIL  1/22/03  Praise the Lord
Rev. Jim  1/23/03  My wife sherry is concerned that she will not meet up to her, mine or God's expectations of a pastor's wife. I would be great if someone could email her and let her know that God never put's on us more than we can handle. I have told her that all I expect from her is her support, love, consideration and a desire to serve the Lord. She says that is not enough, she wants to do more. How can I convince her?

Debbie  2/12/03  You can't convince your wife that is all you want from her. Action speak louder than words. I am a pastor's wife and the fustration is that we want to please our spouse and the Lord. Here is a hint for you and your wife. The Lord gave both of you special and unique gifts. Your gifts are different than hers but when both of you operate in the fullness of your gifts your will find fulfilment and purpose. Try not to dump off on her the jobs that no one else wants. Trust in hte Holy Spirit working through her, that she will do what she is called to do. Do not quench the Spirit of God in her. Let the Holy Spirit work through her in the gifts that she has been blessed in. If you will ask what the Spirit of God has been revealing to her about what she should be doing. Then listen to her answer her gifts will support in the vision the Lord has given you. it just might not be exactly the way you would go about it. I hope this helps a little. I will be glad to email her. She only want to be your armorbearer and she is the best one for the job because she loves you so much she would rather die than to disappoint you and God. May the Lord give you some direction. God bless.

LA  2/18/03  MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN IN THE MINISTRY FOR 10 YEARS (A PASTOR FOR FOUR OF THEM). AS A PASTOR'S WIFE I FELT THE PRESSURE AT FIRST TO BE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY FOR THE CAUSE OF CHRIST. bUT THAT IS NOT WANT GOD WANTS. HE DOESNT WANT OUR "WORK" HE WANTS OUR WORSHIP. LOOK AT HOW HE MADE YOU AND WHAT YOUR GIFTS ARE. LISTEN TO HIS VOICE (HE IS ALWAYS SPEAKING TO US) AND DO ONLY THE THINGS HE ASKS OF YOU (GOD ONLY ASKS OF YOU WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO DO, ANYHING ELSE IS "BUSY WORK" FOR OUR OWN GLORY (wOOD, HAY AND STUBBLE) ALSO, BEING BUSY AND DOING GOOD THINGS DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN YOU ARE DOING WHAT GOD HAS PLANNED FOR YOU. NOONE ONE IS PERFECT. YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES AND PEOPLE WILL GET MAD OR UPSET. BUT GOD DID NOT CALL YOU TO PLEASE EVERYONE BUT TO BE FAITHFUL TO HIM. HE WILL BE WITH YOU. ENJOY THIS TIME FOR IT IS ONLY FOR A MOMENT. WE ARE NOT HOME YET. FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT GLORY TO GOD
LA  1/27/03  I am a pastor's wife, mother of four and I love it and I hate it at times. The ministering part is fine and I enjoy it. My husband has a wonderful love for people and is called to PASTOR.
Cy-Key - Don't give up yet. Seminary is very hard on the marriage. It can make it or break it. It was wonderful for ours. We went one year and took off the summer to decide if this was truely what God wanted. It was. But not for every one. Many of our married friends left (some together, some divorced.) Guard your marriage with every thing you have. If you don't have a good relationship and a good marriage, you can't have a good ministry. That is not to say that It will ALWAYS be good and fun. But it should be healthy. Give it a year and pray for His leadership. Pray for your husband everyday.
Mommakae - What I tell my husband when people spread lies and do things to hurt you, Love them any- way. That's what Jesus did. Some people, If they are truely christians, are not very mature in their thinking and deeds. Ask God to help you love them and He will. After all, Jesus went through the same thing - only worse. Hang in there, It doesn't get much better. But God is always faithful.
bernice - My heart goes out to you. My husband had a similar problem. It started when we got the internet. He would visit sites that he shouldn't. He was terribly embarrassed and disappointed in himself. He FINALLY confided in a trusting friend which really helped. Our friend encouraged Him to tell me about it. He did. I was upset at first but I told him I still loved him and I would help him however I could. He really appreciated the fact that I didn't judge him but loved him. We have put a filter on the internet and I am free to ask him at any time about "how he is doing". He has had some set backs but he admits it to me. I won't say that it doesn't hurt but we are working through it. He goes to counseling once every three months. It's about 2 hours away in a different town so noone has to know about it. He does have a few close friends that he has told, for prayer and support. They also hold him accountable.
Trish- The Lord brought you two together for you to be his help meet. Our job as pastor's wives Is to love and support our husbands and to pray, pray, pray for them. Look at the statistics at how long a pastor stays at a church. 3-5 years. Then they get that itch. Should I move, Have I done all that I can here, Is there somewhere better for me to serve? It comes in waves. It is fine to change places, churches,but becareful You will NEVER find the perfect church. If you are leaving to get away from problems, there will be different problems at another church. Pray about it. God will call you to another church AND He will call you away from your present church. God Bless
Women, guard your hears and mind. Satan is alive and well and would love to get a foot hold in our lives to destroy our marriage and destroy our ministry. Stayed prayed up. Go on Marriage retreats. take a weekend (thursday-Sat.) off and spend time together. The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian is an excellent book. Pray together. One hundred precent 100% of the marriages where the husband and wife pray faithfully together, Stay together. How about them Odds!!! Hang in there girls. All Glory to God!!!
ba  2/7/03  sorry y'all my friend used my name to post her message sorry about the mix up. Amy thanks for the encouragement. Like you said there are a few people who are beginning to treat me with respect some are indifferent and the rest of them are just there. But I make sure i pray before I meet them for patience and that helps sometimes I do my best and let God do the rest.
Kristin  2/7/03  This is a question for "Ianswife" as well as "A.P. wife." I have been praying for you both and was wondering if the Lord has shown you anything about your situations? This board is great, but the one thing that is challenging is that you wonder whatever became of the situations mentioned in the letters. I don't know if this is allowed, but I would love to find out how ya'll are doing and am happy for you to have my e-mail address. I suppose you could ask the board for it. Anyhow, I will continue to pray for you both, from one a.p. wife to another. God Bless!
Annie  2/9/03  I hate my husband's job and I have no one to talk to about it!! It's been 14 years of youth ministry; Over night trips on Valentine's day, New year's day, summer camps and mission trips. Meetings after meetings and Sunday is a 12 hour work day! Changes churches evry 3 - 5 years hasn't been easy either; small, conservative churches, old traditional churches and a new denomitation. I feel like God is calling ME into a ministry position, but he doesn't seem to support me, nor does the church recognize me as a canidate for a ministerial position. We left several good friends behind at the last church, and now we don't have any common friends or even have a Bible study class togheter. We're at a great, loving, growing church, but I feel lonely, left out and depressed. Any suggestions?

Joyce  2/20/03  Please fight against the depression and loneliness. This is a trick of the enemy to isolate you from your husband, God and ministry. Been there done that. Also if God is calling you into the ministry, God calls you not the church or your husband. My husband grew up in a church that didn't recognize women minister and I told God if He called me He was going to have to work this out and He did and did it quite beautifully. Don't be afraid God has not destined us for failure and the Bible tells us that our gift will make room for us. If your denomination don't recognize you (I am not telling you to leave) but some other Church will seek you and ask you to come speak and you don't have to leave where you are just say "God I'm available and He will do the rest. Also sometime we get sick and tired because we start focusing on ourself instead of God. Also as a Pastor's wife and a minister, I have learned, God don't mind us telling him how we feel. He's our father right and can't you tell a parent anything? I can! I'm praying for you and I know you are going to come out alright. Just remember "God wants me to suceed more than I want to suceed. I love you
tanjeep  2/11/03  I just want to say...Where have you all been all my life??? I am ready to get up and dance like a mad woman. I have been a pw for 20 years and it has been very interesting. I have seen God do some mighty acts. I don't want to complain, but I do need to vent. PLEASE...SOMEBODY tell me how do you deal with a spouse who goes to lunch or breakfast with some female members from time to time and call it MINISTRY???? Now granted some of the women he has had these meals with are okay people. I don't have any problems with them. BUT what about the one that you have your doubts about??? I can't deal with this. If the shoe were on the other foot he would be adamantly against it. It's not that I want to see other people. I can visit with any female I want to. BUT if it were a male (which there isn't anyone) I will get a tongue lashing from him because I would get "too emotionally involved". I can respect that idea, BUT it just ain't right. PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!! SOMEBODY

Joyce  2/20/03  First I would say take a step back and look and ask yourself is what you are feeling vaild towards the ladies that your husband is having Lunch or Breakfast with. I really have a hard time commenting about your husbands behavior. I don't want to speak against a man of God. But does your husband consider you as a vital part of his ministry and if he does why can't you both go out to meals with these ladies and How would he react to this suggestion. If it comes out as a back suggestion then you really need to go into spiritual warfare for your husband. My husband has never gone to a meal with any women in the 6 years that we have been in ministry. And you both are in minstry. The word says you are ONE!. I will be praying for you and that God will touch his heart. Because in this day and time everyone of us are capable of falling into the enemy's trap. Ask God to touch your husband heart and to show exactly when to talk to him. I am talking from experience. My husband had been a pastor for about 20 years when he married me and somethings he did not want to hear. I cried and prayed a lot of nights but I thank God for the change.
HappySue  2/19/03  Hello!!!! Glad to meet other PW's!!!!!
smtown  2/21/03  I have finally found some where I can vent problems, ask for advice and ultimately seeing where I am NOT ALONE in how I sometimes feel. I am a PW of only 1yr and a christian for not much more than that. Wow that is scary! I wasn't raised in or around church. We didn't speak of God, Jesus or sings little songs or any of that while I was growing up. I believe now that it wasn't that my parents don't believe but, I know they were raised as it being a personal decision. I didn't even know that my own grandfather was a preacher. It was JUST NOT TALKED ABOUT ! I met my husband almost 10yrs ago and it was through him slowly I began to ask questions about the Lord and I started really getting hungry for the knowledge of Him. Through my son now 5 asking questions also in his short time my husband by the grace of God was once again pursuing his calling into the ministry that he has known for over 15yrs. Now knowing and being devoted to God and His will we got married but now I see that what I had wanted for years (marriage) had strings attached. I WAS GOING TO BECOME A PW eventually. I had not even been to church on a regular basis until a few months before we got married. I had to really think about this commitment that I was making because in reality it wasn't a marriage to a man I was marrying a man chosen by God to preach and teach the gospel. A life not chosen by me nor him. A life that had to now be guided by the Holy Spirit in all areas. That is the history, now the cry for help!! I am so very new at so many things in church. I am not sure of normal procedures, activities for women, SS(which is only my kids). I have for 1yr been lost waiting for a light to come on I guess. I am realizing that the pastor that was at the church before my husband was very comfortable in his postion (20? yrs). In all fairness it was only said to me that they congregation did as they pleased, when, where and how ever they pleased. My husband is NOT like that at all. He wants to be very active. He is seeing that he is the only one staying active. I know in my heart that we will not be at this location long. However, my large problem is I have no idea how to be a PW. What to do, the proper actions to take or not to take. Where to go for confidential advise. I am in a new town full of church members. If someone sees me and I don't see them or if I don't know who most of the people are I have been accused of being stuck up. It bothers me to the end because I have never been that way at all. But I am not used to the light always on me. What did I buy at the store, what did my kids wear to school, where was she going. I am used to being in a LARGE city where you have to invite someone to go with you just to see anyone that you know. I think that I should greet the congregation on Sundays and any other time for that matter. My problem is church starts at a certain time and my husband starts if it is only us or the church is full. The congregation (being used to doing what ever they want in yrs past) do not come to church on time. There is only about 6 people there when it begins. My thaughts well I can greet them when church is over, that would be good if the people stayed long enough for us to get up and turn around. I don't know about anyone else but I must sit up front. Needless to say I am up there by myself. So I really couldn't even tell you who is a member and who isn't if I see people in the street but I still am accused of mistreating some. I am very lost, I don't know what to do to get a church of mostly single women involved into anything. In Bible study there may be 5 members (maybe) and this is after a year of constant organization from my husband. I need to grow myself and I know this, my husband is on a MUCH different level than myself. But I want to do and I want to help, I want to learn and most of all I want to be a help and not a hinderance on my husband. I feel like I have been to KFC all of my life and now we can only go to 5 star restraunts. I just have no idea what to do right or what I am doing that is wrong. I am in such desperation....Please help if you can, by the way did I tell you that we are a interacial couple in a African-American church, which I adore and have always been comfortable with. Please pray for me !!!
Gina  2/23/03  My husband has recently recieved a call to become a minister. In the months that followed, he has begun training, as well as started ministries. I feel strongly that I am gifted and called by God to be the wife of a minister. That part is actually a relief after years of feeling "out of place" with other women in society who didn't seem to be as supportive to their husbands as I like to be, even making sacrifices for his ministry work (before he was called) that are not usually politically correct nowadays. So far things are going along alright, with his studies. However, he is so anxious to be busy with the new ministries, that it already seems like he is nearing overextending. He also has a full time job. Examples of the new ministries, 2 of which I help with, are a church bible study evening gathering in the middle of the week, a weekly service for shut-ins, and a sunday school class. I help with the evening gathering and the shut-in service. The question I would like some help with, is this: My husband has always encouraged me in everything I have done, from making it through college to any ministries I've had. The problem is, now that he is so busy with ministries and studies, he is asking me more than once, to "take over" in his absence. Please understand, he's not the overbearing type. We have a very good relationship that I know will be tested as we go forward with this call. But I want to be very careful. I have met with several pastor's wives who have graciously advised me about protecting my marriage and making supporting my husband my #1 job. But what if the support he wants, is for me to sub for him when he must be absent during one of the shut-in services, or church night gatherings? I have already been practicing saying no to leading the ladies group, and other things...but I am having a hard time saying no to my husband. He is setting up the shut-in services so that other pastor's and church people will be able to fill-in regularly. But he has said, that he doesn't want the shut-ins to go without a service, so could I fill in if that ever happens. I have already said no to his invitation to fill in as leader of the bible discussion during the middle-week evening gathering. During that, I feel called to lead the children. So I stuck to that. It just seems like this might be a pattern for us, and I don't know how to tell him that I feel called in certain areas, but that they are not all the same as his. I want to be supportive, and don't want to withhold good from the shut-ins. I get very nervous leading in certain areas, whereas in other areas like organizing volunteers for bible school or teaching sunday school for kids, I'm fine. I am clinging to the verse that says, "God gives us each DIFFERENT gifts to use" and also the verse from proverbs that says the Lords blessing brings with it no added trouble. Thanks for any advice.
First Lady B  2/25/03  I know that there is a God in heaven, that sees my tears, feels my pain, and that hears and answers prayer. Over the past several months, I have been suffering silently inside-not even my husband/pastor understands-all I can do is to pray to help releave the pressure that I carry in my heart. But thank God, I just happen to have pulled up your website and the first letter that I read was this - (I only copied a portion.) First Lady Williams if you are still out there, I thank God for you, for you shared 5 years ago exactly what I'm going through now. It is sooooooo hard, but I'm trying not to give up. If you are still out there, please tell me how things are today. Or if anyone knows First Lady Williams, did she gain the victory. No matter what, I praise God for you!
Shell  2/27/03  Hi everyone! My husband and I just got married about 1 1/2 years ago and we started a non-denominational church plant about 8 months ago. It is extremely lonely being in the ministry. Our church started out with just 4 of us and now we have about 20-25. I am working a 40hr/week job and he is full-time with the church. It is really hard sometimes to have to get up and be ready for work in the morning , while his job is at home. I feel a bit displaced because I would love to be home right now and I know that for right now it is not financially possible. I trust God that this is just a season in my life to be the main provider of the family, but sometimes I can get resentful of my husband because, as you all know, being a pastor's wife is sometimes a full-time job in itself. Sometimes I call home from work and he is doing like golfing with a friend or other things and I get resentful because I know I can't tell him what to do, but I feel like I am working so hard with leading worship at church and with my full-time job on the side. I guess what I am trying to say is 1) it is hard having the pressure of having to bring the paycheck home and 2) sometimes I feel like I know a better use of my husband's time on a day to day basis. Anytime I call and give him a list or something that needs to get done for the church, he feels like I am nagging and being like his mom. You all know how that makes you feel when he says that. So, I don't know if I should just watch him do whatever he wants during his day or what, but trying to tell him what I think he should do sure hasn't worked. He tries to get a lot accomplished, but he is a real visionary person and I am more the administrative, get things done type of person. I wish I could do all the administrative things I know he doesn't like doing, but I cannot with my other job. Anyway, I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. We are also both 23 years old and so being newly married is enough stress on our marriage along with starting a church from nothing. If any of this makes sense to you or the Holy Spirit speaks something to you as advice, I would really appreciate it!! God Bless You all!!
Jo  3/1/03  I have been a pastor's wife for 5 years. We are at a very stressful church. The men at the church said they are the voice of the church. Whatever happens at the church must go through them and not the pastor. My husband is only preaching with know authority. I hate going down to the church.This is country family church. I keep trying to go for my husband. Here lately I have become very angry with my husband. I feel like I hate him . I feel like I don't want to be married to him any more. I feel like I could walk off and leave him today. We have 3 children 2 in college and 1 in the 12th grade this year. I'm unhappy with the denomination that I am in. My husband confuses me about his feelings. I need someone to help me please. Today is our 23 wedding anniversary. I have no feelings at all about it. PLEASE HELP ME

Marsha  3/7/03  It is very important for you to take your feelings of hatred and anger to the Lord TODAY if you have not already done so. It is also important that you read your Bible and have devotions with God on a regular basis. Feelings like you are experiencing do not happen overnight but instead, it is a gradual thing. And in the meantime Satan is doing all that he can to put more anger & hatred on you towards your husband. Perhaps there are reasons that you feel like you do towards your spouse, I don't know. But I do know that God is a Healer of Hearts, and that He understands how you are feeling. Don't be afraid to tell God exactly how you feel even if all you can say is "God, I hate my husband! and please Help Me!" Do you remember that old saying back in the 80's about if you are at the end of your rope then tie a knot and hang on? Well, that is what you need to do. Your problems did not happen overnight and they will not go away overnight. It takes work and a personal determination to see it through. Unless your husband is physically abusing you or cheating on you, please do not leave him. Not only will it destroy the ministry at the church, it will also destroy lives at the church because Satan will jump at the chance to ruin a group of believers. I know that it is hard. I know that you are mad and that you want to change. It is very possible that you are becoming clinically depressed. I urge you to go to see your doctor and to talk with him about how you are feeling. It is possible there is a medical reason for the way you are feeling. Please don't discount talking to a doctor because God has put these talented men and women in our lives to help us. You described the ages of your kids and it is also possible that you are entering into a new stage of your life called "The Empty Nest Syndrome!" Lastly, I don't know what denomination that you are in, but I'm sure that there are other churches in your area. Make friends with the other pastor's wives, or just have lunch with one of them occasionally just to get acquainted with other women in your position. If you want to correspond with me directly, you can get my e-mail address from this support board. I will definitely be praying for you.

selah  3/4/03  Just stand firm and pray hard! God will never give you more than your able to withstand. Remember this IF GOD BROUGHT YOU TO IT HE WILL SEE YOU THROUGH IT!!!! I will pray for you!
Sheila  3/10/03  Dear Ladies, I'm doing a conference later this month for ladies on "depression." Will some of you answer my survey? 1. How often do you feel depressed? 2. Do you just have feelings of "being down" or deep depression? 3. What do you do to overcome these "feelings?" 4. Do you have a favorite scripture? 5. Anything you'd like to share about what you think gets you "depressed?" Thanks so much! You may e-mail me with your answers if you wish.
struggling believer  3/10/03  My boyfriend is in full time ministry and will soon be ordained. We fell in love and wanted to get married. Although we went a bit fast, we know now that it happened a bit fast and we need to take things slow. We are now struggling with whether or not we will be together. He is scared and uncertain of his calling and wonders if that calling will include marriage to me. He wants me to be a part of that calling (whatever that may be), but I feel that he doesn't think he can have both, and fears that there will be no balance with his ministry and with me, like he either has to have one or the other, not both. He either puts all he has in his ministry, or all he has in me, there is no balance and he got scared that he neglected his ministry. I on the other hand have always felt as though God has been telling me to be patient and wait, give him time, focus on the Lord and everything will work out for the good of all. On the other hand, I want to run, give him up, and move on to a simple christian life. When we first met I didn't want to get invloved with him becasue I was scared that I could be there for him, but I felt that that is where God was leading me. I feel as though I know my calling, but because my boyfriend is uncertain, I'm starting to think that maybe what I felt has been my calling was just what I wanted and not what God wanted, so I want to run, back off from my studies and take a much slower, simpler walk with the Lord. I feel at peace when I am patient and waiting, I get very uneasy and upset when I think about running and giving him up. Does anyone have any advice for me. How do I know for sure what God wants me to do. I have been praying, but I feel as though maybe I'm just not seeing God's will because I do want to be with my boyfriend and I want things to work out, but I am taking one day at a time, and trying not to think one way or another. Do I need to do anything at all. I have given up everything for God, and I would give my boyfriend up also if that is what God wants, but I'm not getting a clear answer, or so I think...somebody, anyone, if you could help I could really use any advice.
Nan  3/11/03  I am so thankful I have found this site! My husband and I have just been married 1 year and 3 months after meeting on the internet. We were married 2 months after our first meeting and it has been both wonderful and heart breaking. We have been through a lot in 1 year, loss of jobs, loss of parent, loss of animals and bankruptcy. My husband has always felt that he has a calling to miniter and I know that he does, as well as, do others. He has decided to answer that call and go from being a cowboy following cows to being a minister. I am both thrilled and scared about this decision. I always dreamed of being a minister's wife even as a little girl and it was not until he formally decided to follow his call do I really feel like I fit in somewhere for the first time in my life. I love work at the church and I am happier when I am around the people there. My problem is that I feel inadequate to be a minister's wife. We will be placed soon in a church and they have told us it will be a rural community. Being from the "big city", I am looking forward to a smaller community and the chance to get to know people. I do not play the piano, sing, play the organ, etc. I feel that most of the pastor's wives I know do have some talent like this and it disturbs me that I will have nothing to give to his ministry. We started this out like a team effort and I support him 100%, but now that he is fully into his course of study and the appointment is right around the corner, I feel like a wedge has been placed between us. He seems more christian and I feel more worldly although I take my christian faith very seriously. I feel that I have no talents to offer and he seems to be getting more and more away from even talking to me about things that are happening. It is like it is a big secret. We had a friend call awhile back and his wife had left him. My husband called him and they prayed and discussed things. My husband did not share with me any of the details and that is fine, but when we were with some of our other friends he opened up to them and told them a lot of what this man had to say. I felt hurt and alone. He did not seem to have enough trust in me to tell me these things, but he openly discussed it with them. I want to be the best pastor's wife I can be, but this is really troubling me. He even said God had spoke to him in the fields and said to forgive me because I was still of this world. Please help as this is breaking my heart! I am working at home and do not have much contact with others except church. I am unable to go to some meetings that I would like to because our transportation is limited (we live 25 miles out in the country) and I can only go when he is going or when he has time to take me as he will not teach me how to drive his pickup and my son is driving my car to work. All of our children are grown and gone except our youngest (my son) who is here trying to get his life straight and doing well with it. He will be on his own by the time we move to our new home. I know this sounds jumbled, but I just need to know there is something I can do or someone I can talk to even by the internet. I once was in a codependency group and they helped me in a lot of ways to overcome obstacles. Please let me know if you can help. Thanks. God bless you all and this web site!!!
Donnie  3/12/03  I wish I could have found this web-site many years ago. I wouldn't have made as many mistakes as I have. My husband has been in the ministry for 24 years and a pastor for the past nine years. I didn't realize that it would be as tough as it is. Many years ago the pastor's wives use to just sit on the pew with her big hat and did nothing but say "Amen". Today, we have more active roles in the church's ministry. (If the women would let you!) We were called to church where there were mostly family memers and friends that had migrated here from southern states. There were 6 "First Ladies" there before I came and they seem to have made it their priority to disrespect me let me know and make me feel that whatever I say and do doen't matter. Every new member that seem to contaminate them with their feelings about me. God has given me the gift and sing and my husband had to organize an additional choir in order to get the support that he needs. A lot of positions that I held is because no one else wanted to do them. Now they are complaining that my husband is appointing me to too many positions, which I have given up some and planning to give up others. (We need peace in our church. I am so happy that I have found this web-site. Thanks for being here. Someone needs to update my computer at this moment so I have to sign off. Will write again soon.
kjem  3/16/03  I wondered if anyone could identify with my situation. I'm 36-a p's wife at a small rural church which is also my home church--the one I grew up in. I've been married 10 yrs. Things are good for the most part--I've known everyone since I was born practically. The problems come for my husband when he tries to be an effective leader. Sometimes there are things that need to be confronted or addressed, but he's always hesitant to do so because they might be family or old friends. He feels stifled by the "let's keep everything the way its always been" mentality. Today he told the congreation that he loves them all dearly, but that he might not be the one to be the leader for the church. There is some gossiping and backbiting going on outside the church, and he addressed that today. I was very proud of him for the way he handled it--not in the flesh. He acknowledged his own imperfections being a bi-vo with another fulltime job, and that he doesn't visit or do all the pastor "stuff" that other pastor's usually do. Most everyone was supportive after the service, and I trust God and know that He will provide for us. Neither one of us feels like the Lord is telling us to leave. I think I've been part of the problem at times, advising my husband not to say anything to so-and-so because they might get mad. That was wrong of me. I need to let him lead as God is telling him. Any advice or insight from anyone would be appreciated.
Liz  3/17/03  Can any give me direction on dating someone in the ministry? I never thought this is where the Lord would lead me (to be a Pastors wife), but now I am hearing His call. I am involved with a man that recently transformed his life for Christ and is working at the church now (as an "intern"). We both care so much about eachother and feel strongly led that we are supposed to marry eachother, but this is REALLY new to both of us. I dont know I to be, what to expect, boundries, etc. There is a lot on singleness and marraige,but VERY little on "dating/courting" especially to a man called to be a pastor. Thank you so much for any words of wisdom!!
PWA  3/20/03  Hi Everybody, This is a great website. I have gained so much knowledge and understanding just from reading of your experiences. I know that God has sent me here to get strenght and encouragement from annoited women of God. I have read some of the responses and I am so impressed with the encouraging words and scriptures of God. Thank you for caring.
ddc  3/24/03  I am a pastors wife and also an ordained minister myself. I left a flourishing women's ministry of my own within my church in order to be with my husband because I felt it necessary for the pastor's wife to support him and be with him. I am catching it from one of the ladies there. she is always doing things and saying things to stir up mess. She is angry with me because I am the pastors wife and not her. It has been a year now and instead of getting better, it is worse. My question is why are the pastor(my husband) and the board allowing her to mistreat me? I mean she publicly shows dislike for me. It is very noticeable to members AND visitors. This lady is also allowed to teach sunday school with that spirit and Usher! Somebody please help me
Jeannee  3/24/03  WOW! I have only read a few letters - Chris, Drama, SAD - and I have so much identification. Goodness gracious, but I wouldn't even know where to START! YES, YES, YES! Oh I just had to say that! JEANNEE WILL BE BACK, OFTEN !!! Praise GOD for this board