The purpose of this page is to support and encourage pastor's wives.  If you are a pastor's wife and have a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion, please fill out the form and click submit.  Responses will be added later.  Let's help each other!

Please also submit for our future book .  We are also planning a book for and about pastor's kids .  Please check this out if you were a pastor's kid - or have your child give us ideas!

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Item: Quantity: "Copy Me!" Bible Quizzes Devotions for Dog Lovers Devotions for Hunters and Anglers Hunting and the Bible Self-Inflicted Hunting Arguments Messianic Psalms The Prodigal Pooch The Rail Rider Confused and frustrated  1/1/02  Three years ago my husband and I along with newborn moved to another state where my husband is now pastoring.  Our struggle prior to our move was that for 2.5 years my husband tried to find a pastorate job in our home state/city but could not obtain one.  We prayed for God to give my husband a job as a pastor so he could leave his secular job to finally become a full-time pastor.  God answered our prayer but moved us to another state where my husbnad pastors a church now.  The problem that I face no and have been for the last 3 years is that we are so far away from our families.  We have 2 young children now and I am very lonely at times when I need to stay behind at home to care for them while my husband is serving.  It's been 3 years now and I have been praying very hard for God to make a way for us to go back to our home state/city where I feel our kids would have their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and I would get support and would be a better pastor's wife and life would not be quiete as stressful because we (wife and kids) would  have a stable environment and additional outside support.  The church here is good to us but find I haven't been able to become comfortable where we are here because the church is basically made of young singles, couples and their parents and find myself on the sidelines being more of an observer and have begun to be resentful in having to live here.  I am almost at a point where I am demanding and making ultimatiums to my husband that he apply for ministry positions in our home state and city and make efforts to move us back. I understand that God has a plan for us but I don't even know anymore what I should be praying for.  Should I be praying for God to open doors in our home state/city and if he doesn't does that mean we have to stay here?  Or should I continue to pray that God change my heart?  I have been praying this for the past 3 years and my heart has not changed.  I know there is a purpose why we have been brought here and I have learnt many things that God wanted to teach me.  But my question is at what cost do I have to be taught these things?  I feel my family and my relationship with my husband has been suffering due to our move and the loneliness that I am feeling is causing me to become depressed and a resentful person. I would love to hear from those of you who have wisdom to share with me.

Sharon  1/3/02 As the old cliche' goes, "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it."  You did pray for God to provide a full time job for your husband and He has done just that.  Now you must be willing to see what God has in store for you.  As you said, you have learned many things while you have been there, just think how much more God can show and teach you.  I know it's difficult, I've been in similar situations (very recently).  We've been living where we are for about six months and things are just now beginning to take shape and I am finally finding some friends that I've been praying for.  They are not great in number and they are not extremely close to my age, but they care for me and love me and it provides someone I can talk to (about certain things) and even go to lunch with.  I am still praying for couple friends closer to our age group and I know they will come, in God's perfect timing.  My suggestion to you is to be more aggressive in making some friends.  I know, easier said than done.  This wasn't easy for me either.  I am not an outgoing person and I always waited for people to come to me.  But I learned that people will help you or talk to you when you open the doors and let them.  They may be waiting for you to make the first move.  Invite someone to lunch, or have a couple over for dinner, get involved in a hobby group of some type (church related or not), get someone in the church (a youth maybe) to babysit so you and your husband can have some private time together and recultivate your relationship with each other.  Find the romance again.  One of my previous Sunday School teachers always encouraged his class (couples class) to keep dating even after you are married.  This means a night out WITHOUT the kids.  Do somthing special like going to a movie, eat out at a nice resturant or fix a romantice dinner at home, etc.  Allow you and your husband keep the lines of communication open and remember why you fell in love.  Ideally, you should have a date night once a week.  But I know with kids that is not always possible, but try to have it at least twice a month.  As for communicating with grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., call on the phone often, get a video cam for your computer, and schedule special visits.  My husband and I are both away from our families but we do the things I just mentioned and it makes things easier to deal with  because we know these things are coming up and are always there.  It gives us something to look forward to. Keep praying, God will answer in His time, and we know that His time is perfect!  Also, keep yourself open, and accepting, to God's will.  If you want any further suggestions feel free to e-mail me.  God bless you.

Missionary wife  1/9/02  Wanting to be a pastor's wife is a wonderful thing, but it is a very difficult job.  There are so many ways to serve the Lord besides being a pastor's wife.  Remember, if God has not called your husband to be a pastor, he will not be a success and he may be responsible for sending more people to hell than Heaven.  The most important thing in a person's life is to find God's will and do it.  Someone once told me If you can be happy doing anything else in the world, do it.  In other words, if your husband has peace and joy and contentment doing the job he is doing, maybe he is not called.  If he is not and you push him into it, not only will he fail as a pastor, but it will also put your marriage on dangerous ground.  If I were you I would set my goal to be the best soul-winner and Christian wife and mother in the church.  First, make sure you are doing the basics, reading the Bible and praying every day.  Next, make sure you always have tracts and make it a habit to give one to every person you meet - in the grocery store, the dry cleaners....  Third, ask God to give you the opportunity to witness to one person every day.  By this I mean an opportunity to sit down with someone and share from the Bible the simple plan of salvation.  You have neighbors right - why don't you go knock on their doors and ask them if you could talk to them about their soul.  Ask them if they were to die today if they are 100 percent for sure that they would go to Heaven.  Then show them how to be saved.  Fourth, if you are not already, start teaching a Sunday School class or start a morning Women's Bible Study during the week. If you still have more time and energy ask your pastor for more jobs - the bathroom always needs cleaning!  God uses busy people.  If you and your husband are busy serving the Lord in the ways you can now, God may call you to be a pastor's wife later.

butterfly  1/3/02 Telisha, just want you to know that someone is praying for you. I will pray that the Lord will reveal what needs to be revealed in your life at the right time as to not overwhelm you. He does all things well. This verse often helps me...He that began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Whatever your situation is concerning your past the Lord is Lord of it all. He is the God of all comfort, peace. strength, hope etc. He longs to heal you and He will but sometimes it takes time. He too longs to bring forth a forgiveness in you for yourself and whoever else was involved. He will perfect that which concerneth you. He is hope, He alone is the answer for you right now. Remember He gives beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness in place of our pain. Everything that the enemy meant for evil the Lord turns it for His good and His glory. He gives joy that can't be removed because it didn't come from any circumstances or any earthly source. You are the joy that was set before Him on the cross and if you are covered in His blood then He will take care of this situation. He gives His beloved rest. His burdens are light and easy and we will find rest for our souls. He's the peace in the midst of the storm so enjoy resting in Him even in this time of what should be stressful and discouraging. You are more than a conquerer through Christ Jesus. May the Lord hold you close during this time. Remember, you are being prayed for.

Amy  4/8/02 Telisha....I'm praying for you.  I've dealt with things from my childhood off and on.  For the most part,  I'm healed, but at times "the lies"  want to creep up on me.  I can honestly say - things get better.  If it wasn't for God, I wouldn't be here today.  He held me through it all.  Hard to believe, hard to accept and even baffling.  Why?  To bring me to the other side so I can help others .  Because we live in a fallen society where sin abounds and innocent people get hurt.  Thank God he is there to heal us.   Here's a verse that got me through:  "for I know the thoughts that I think towards thee,  thoughts for good and not for evil....TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND HOPE."   Also,  "God will restore to you the years that the swarming locust (and those people that hurt you were definately "swarming locusts")  have eaten.  Exodus"      Hang on, cry, talk to God, don't give up....there's joy on the other side......Amy

Missionary wife  1/8/02  Tell your husband that it is her or you. You are supposed to be first in your husband's life.  If he has allowed you to feel this way, it is his fault.  Don't let him try to tell you that you are being jealous or that you are insecure.  The job of the wife is to meet the emotional, physical, social, and intellectual needs of her husband.  The fact that he is spending so much time with her shows that he is allowing her to meet some of his needs.  By the way - I would never let my husband ever spend time alone - even in an office or ride in a car - with another woman.  Not even if she was 15 years old or 75 years old.  Not even for two seconds.  I am never alone with a man, and he is never alone with a woman.  Even when my father-in-law knocks on our door he does not get to come in unless my husband is home.  Next, you need to learn to meet the needs of your husband.  Two books that should be on every women's bookshelf are Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Adelain and The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye.  Read those books and learn to live every chapter of Fascinating Womanhood.  If you do, you will win the heart and attention and firstplace love of your husband back.

Someone cares  1/11/02 Please be careful, pray and seek the Lord for an answer to your problem.  Remember that this site is not professional counseling and seek God before you do anything.  What another person may or may not tolerate from her husband has nothing to do with what you do.  The Bible says to submit to your own husband. That a means that what may work for me and my husband may or may not work for you and yours.  Only do what God tells you to do. The best book in the world to read is the Holy Bible.  It has an answer to every question you will ever have.  My prayer for you is that God will grant you wisdom and knowledge to handle your situation and that He will get the Glory in your life.  God Bless!!!!!!!

Kristal  1/7/02 Being a Pastor's wife is many things....Including discouragement. Listen, when God does open a door - go through it - after carefully praying. In the past, my husband and I have had numerous meetings before we took on a church. Pretty much they lied to us and told us what we wanted to hear. For the last 10 1/2 years, the churches we served have been horrible to us. Not every church, but mostly all of them. They did not care about what God wanted us to do, but what they wanted. God would give my husband a great vision and they would shoot it down. I mainly got treated horrible. I had no mentor and was learning by God's grace. Guess what, people are NOT forgiving and love to tell vicious rumors and LIES about the Pastor's wife. BUT THINGS CAN CHANGE! I learned so much from all of that awful ministry times! I have learned so much that God has given me heart for Ministry wives. He has called me to Women's ministries. I am so excited. NOW, after 11 years in the ministry, God instructed us to start a church. We started about 6 months ago and it is going great! I am able to minister to people now! I can give food away or money! It is wonderful to actually minister to hurting people. Take heart. God will see you through and give you a place to serve. Sometimes we have to go through a bunch of ministry crap to get to the place where HE ultimately wants us. I thank God for all of the CRAP I went through because it has prepared me for ministry now. YOu can let ministry make you or break you. I choose to let it make me. Ministry can be a wonderful thing even when it is bad. Look for the good. God will see you through it. Keep your eyes on Him. Also, do not let ministry bring bitterness and hate to your heart. It is easy to let this happen (from experience, I know). Just pray for those would persecute you and be genuinely kind to them. Love them as Christ loves you. This is my advice.

Missionary wife  1/8/02  First, the only person that wants to discourage you is the devil.  That is terrible that you had so many bad experiences growing up.  I don't mean to offend you or to hurt you any more than you have been, but we believe that for a man to be qualified for the ministry he must meet certain Biblical requirements.  I am sure you have read 1 Timothy.  Well, we believe that once a man has committed adultery, he is no longer qualified to be in the ministry.  We also believe that if the children of the preacher are rebellious - sex, drugs, running away - he is also disqualified.  If your husband believes that God has certain standards for the ministry it will motivate him to put his family first.  He will know that if he loses his family, he loses the ministry.  Don't try to prepare for pain that is "bound to come".  Expect that things will turn out right and do everything you can to make that happen.  The best thing you can do to prepare yourself to be a good pastor's wife is to be a good wife and mother.  Your number one job is not to the church, it is not to the children, it is to your husband.  Your children will be with you 18 years, but your husband forever.  A good book to read is Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Adelain.  Also, The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye.  Make sure you are meeting all of your husband's needs - emotional, intellectual, social, and phyiscal, and you won't have worry about being a good pastor's wife, you will be the best example of a wife for the ladies of the church.

Virtue  1/9/02 First of all slow down.  Remember that this is a place for PW to vent and to find advice.  I am not like the average PW.  I never prayed to be a PW. I was called by God to be a PW and a Minister. First of all being a Pastor should first of all be a calling by God.  Any ministry that God places you in, he equips you to perform.  If your husband knows that he is called to Pastor, that is the first step.  You have to pray and wait before God to find out what your place in the ministry is.  I want to let you in on a secret, well, it is not really a secret but most people really miss it.  The word "Minister" means "Servant."  A Minister is a Servant of God's People and a Pastor is the Chief Servant. Meaning he (or she) has to wash the disciples feet.  I always share this with people, especially minister wives who tell me that their husband is about to Pastor and they are frighten. Remember that the church members are God's People, we are only caretakers of his flock.  Will you suffer being a Pastor Wife?  Yes.  But if we "Suffer with Him, We will Also Reign With Him.  Never get in tuck of war with the church members and always remember who you are serving. You are serving Christ IN HIS PEOPLE.  I hope you are encourage by these words and May God Richly Bless you and Your Husband as you Venture out to Ministry.

mixed emotions  1/28/02 I am going through a pretty lowtime in my life right now. Especially with my husband, our marriage, etc...BUT I was soo blessed and encouraged by you today....Thank you for bringing me back to reality...for a moment i was actually getting ready to back my bags and give in...I can not allow the enemy to have the victory....I am already victorious through Jesus The Christ and He has given me the authority to use His name and the power associated with it..I am more the conqueror...I am a victor.....I realize that God is building character in me....I remember praying and telling God that spiritually I wanted to move to another level and that there where somethings He has to work out of me....He's doing it....The things that I am going through now is so much bigger than me...I can't wait to post the testimony of my deliverance....I know that it is coming I just have to trust God, walk in obediance to Him, and wait(continue to serve)...I won't be in the storm too long....Wow, I am actually encourage to simply gird up and get back in thr "ring" to fight(on my knees)....Thank You Again.

ACT  1/21/02 I am concerned for you. If you focus too much time on what others think you may get feeble knees. The only thing I think people want from Pastor's wives is a sincere heart that loves God, a willingness to serve and live out a Godly example the best you can and acknowledge when you don't but being truly sorry for it. I think living out the life of Christ in truth and honesty is the best any of us can do. Otherwise personality and expectations plays a key factor in conflicts. Remember that peiople say what they and do what they do because of what they truly believe. You can help them believe the right way by telling them what God wants them to believe for own sake of grace and freedom in Christ and for the sake of living out the light of Christ to share with others.I hope you gain the confidence you need to be Christ like in your temple and through the personality God gave you.

Goldfish  1/22/02 I honestly don't know how a pw is supposed to act and quite frankly I gave up a long time ago trying to pretend!  I am quite outgoing and can be a little silly from time to time( though never in an embarrassing way!) Trying to act the way people expect you to act will put you in the loony bin( believe me!) Be who you are and the next time some narrow minded person says something so silly tell them that you are just a human being in your own right and not a position. hmmm... maybe I should take my own advice :-)Anyway.. umm if you would like to corresopnd off the message board let me know..

Sharon  1/23/02 I am truly sorry you had to go through this experience.  But at least you can learn from it.  We all make mistakes, so don't beat your head against a wall.  However, to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen again, make sure that you check the references on his resume and contact the last few churches he worked at.  They can give you a lot of insight and information that you will need to make your decision.  I would also suggest letting a committee hire the person.  This way, any mistakes (or successes) made does not fall only on one or two people's shoulders and the church will feel more of a part of what's going on in the church body.  You should not be spending your own money.  If the church is hiring a new person then they should be the ones to "court" him and the money should come from the budget.  What's done is done.  Now, you have to move on and pray for God to mend the church.  Pray that those who were blinded by this man will have their blinders removed and they will see him for what he really was.  This will probably take some time and may not happen until you have the right, godly man in that position.  Keep the faith and stay on your knees.  You are in my prayers.

Carli  1/27/02 I hear you and understand.  I too have been in similar situations, but have heart, God knows, God hears your cry, and God will take you through this valley.    My advice:  1) First, take time for yourself away from kids and husband for a few days or one day for solitary quiet and pure enjoyment.  Take a pen and a journal and start recording your thoughts good and bad.  2)  Examine your own heart (don't worry about others at this point and where they are at - people will always fail us, but God will never fail us).  Ask God to reveal if there is anything you need to make right in your life and change if necessary.  3)  Focus on your husband and serve Him for the time being.  4) Focus on your children and serve them for the time being.  I believe sometime we have to pull outselves "out" of ministry for a short time to refocus and let God fill us up with his strength, humility and power so that we can better serve those we directly are responsible with.  Once you feel stronger, than start branching out to others.  I am also a youth pastor's wife and I knknow how weary you must feel.  We too were attacked once in our ministry by the senior pastor and it was horrible, untrue and so discouraging.  But we learned that we MUST rise above, praise God for what he taught us, and asked him to change anything in our life that we done wrong.  We are still healing, but we are healing.  JUST REMEMBER .... PEOPLE ARE NOT PERFECT ... PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS LET YOU DOWN ... GOD WILL NEVER!  Find your REST, your strength and you answer for HIM alone.  You are precious in the sight of God.

Mom  2/6/02 I read your story about your Mom. I felt like I had written it. It is identical to what my parents are going through only for the second time around together. They got divorced at 26 years of marriage for same reasons as your parents, they remarried a year later. Now they are sepperating again because they never worked through their problems from the beginning. The first time was real hard for me because I didn't quite know who I was yet. This time I feel more secure in who I am, I am more concerned about them. Like you I don't hear much about there problems, I am kinda glad because ther's nothing worse then hearing your parents bad mouth each other and then watch it eat away at you and bad mouth them back to your husband and then it gets into the whole family. All I can do is keep praying for them and really trust God in them to do the right thing. If they don't I pray that they will draw close to God while they are apart and be transformed individually, they need to have a relationship with God individually without relying on one another codependantly in order to change their old habits and behaviors. Anyway, I guess just know that you can have peace if your trust is in God, without your parents trusting God too. They are in the hands of a Mighty Warrior. His name is Jesus Christ!

Angry PW  2/7/02 I know that marriages were not made in heaven but they were not made in hell either.  I read these letter from the first ladies and my heart goes out to them.  It is easy for us to say that God will work things out because we know it is true but we also need to realize the hurt and pain these women are going through.  I have been a pastor's wife for 30 years and for a lot of it I have gone through "heck" to put it nicely.  Not from the members but from my husband the pastor.  I have supported the ministry that we started to gether.  I do not interfer with his duties.  I stay in my placed.  I have endured his drinking, smoking, cursing me out, inappropiate affair.  I have even been hit twice but quickly but a stop to that.  I have gone through tremdous financial embarrassment because of his gambling habits.  I have suffered major illness due to the stress of my marriage and had no supoort from him while I was sick.  I've endured some things that I won't even say but it hurts.I have walked over negativity, my hurting and wounded spirit Sunday after Sunday and smile because that is what a pastor wife is suppose to do.  I have helped other while my heart is breaking.  I am bitter and I can't love my husband the way I should because of the things he has done.  I believe that there are some good pastors out there that treat there wives right. I believe there a couples out there that have gone through what we  have been through and God has delivered because someone hung in there.  I would like to hear from you. I am not neive to think that there are any perfect marriages, although there might be but I do believe that ministers are held to a higher standard and somethings are not acceptable behavior (affairs, cursing, smoking, drinking, pornography, physical or emotional abuse).  I have stayed because of my children, I stay because of my church, I stay because I'm asking and believing God for a break through and because I want to love him but I am bitter and angry.  I have worked all our married lives (except 4 years when my children were first born) so he could be full time minister.  I was expected to cook, clean, take care the kids, make ever service, be available for sex and run his errands and not be tired.  It was my job to have all the clothes clean, taken to the cleaners and take care all the bills.  Through periods of depression when he wouldn't even come to church I upheld the ministry always keeping him before the people while performing all my other duties.  I have cover his sins and keep them our secret because the scripture says "love covers a multitude of side but now I am angry.   When he made up his mind to pastor the church (he is a pretty good one)then he lectures me on what I'm not doing.  He never said thank you.  It's like his insecurity makes him have to put me down to be lifted up. When young women come to me for counsel about some of the same things I going through, I could be crying inside but I try to give them godly advise and not go by what I feel.  My husbandhas changed somethings (doesn't spend as much on gambling, not having any affairs) and now he expect me to give him love and respect as though he has been the respectful pastor and loving and caring husband.    I can't at this time because the inner things have not changed. I want him to recognize what I have been to him, and the ministry.  I want him to say I have done some wrong things to you and I am sorry.  I want him to abandon those things that are not of God and let us be the couple and family God purposed us to be. What I have become is the great pretender.  I pretend a lot with him.  I go alone to get alone but my spirit is filled with negative things.  I do it because I'm trying of arguing.  Any time I bring up what is bother me his response it well let get a divorce.  When I turned that around and said I was leaving he didn't want that.  Some times my head is spining and my spirit is weak. I don't accept these things because they are not of God but I understand what caused them and I seek God daily for His deliverance and help. I don't want bitterness in my heart. I also seek him for my husband whom I believe deep inside is called and does love God but he also is bound.  There are things in this life that I can not understand but with the little light I still have I try to focus on the good and the blessing.  I hang in there believing that God can and will deliver.  Being a Pastor's wife is one of the hardest jobs I know and the only one that we should look to for complete love, understanding and comfort is God as we pray that He would send the deliverance and help to fix our homes, marriages and situations in our church.  I love you and understand what you are going through.  I will keep you in my prayers.  Please pray for me.

Sheila  2/24/02 It breaks my heart to read what you write, I can feel your dispair in your words and I don't have any real encouraging words except I've been there and I'm not even sure I am over it yet but I think it's great that there is a place where we can release our hurts like this and that we can hold each other up. You need to know there are other pastor wives who do care and would do anything they could to help you. Please know that no matter what other people say about the way you should be, Gods ways are not like our ways,and he sees you and he loves you just as you are and he is not happy that you are hurting. I pray he sends you a touchable friend to help you through these time in your life and I would like to be your friend. I have been a pastor's wife for 20 years and I really have a heart for all pastor's wives and I pray I never get so successful in the ministry that I forget what it's like to be just starting out and struggling or the times when I cried for a friend and wanted God to just send someone to lean on. I will pray for you and I hope I hear from you.

Sharon  3/4/02 God created the family before he created work.  You and your children should be his first priority then his church and work.  My father used to be a workaholic.  When we moved to a new place (I was 13 at the time with two older sisters) the other staff of the church saw how much my dad was working and they were the ones who told him that he didn't have to be the first one there and the last one to leave.  They helped him realize that his family comes first, not before God, but before work.  With their help, my dad began to take his day off instead of working every single day and he let others open and close the building.  After that, his health began to improve as did our family health.  We became a much stronger and tighter family after that.  I stongly suggest that you talk with your husband about this situation (after you pray and ask for God to give you the right words to say) and help him realize that he is hurting his family and himself.  He may need to give up an activity to make more time or simply cut back on his hours, that decision if for you to make together.  Bathe this in prayer and then approach your husband.  Problems can never fixed if they are not addressed.  God bless you and I will be praying for you.

faith  2/21/02 It could for a number of reasons, but here is what came to my mind when reading your story. I too didn't bond with my mom outwardly nor inwardly. Sometimes I had feelings for her that are bonding type feelings. But when I'd step out she would shoot me down instantly with correction, sarcasm, etc. I don't think my Mom and I were ever on the same page unless I came to be of same mind with her usually through her manipulation of the situation and manipulating my feelings. It seeemed to soothe her any way. I have come to understand that she didn't have a good relationship with her Mom and never really dealt with her true feelings about her mom. I believe she was always competing for mom's attention and never got it. She was raised in a Nursing Home for a home, and had to work, work , work all the time changing bed sheets and pans, cleaning bathrooms etc. for other old people that couldn't do things for themselves. So when she had kids and they were old enough to clean up after themselves (us kids) she raised us very independantly so that she wouldn't have to clean any more. Also, she wasn't able to bond with her kids because she was never able to bond with her mother and didn't have it in her to give let alone even know how. So I have know let her into my heart to love her with God's love the way I wanted to be loved and yet in a way let her go too because I know she can't return it most of the time and that's Ok with me now because i know that it's a work only God can do. God makes me whole, not my Mom. I am sorry though that your having to go through this. The best advice I can give you is to ask God to show how to love her and what kind of a heart you need for her. You may have to allow God to remove some expectations you have of what a Mom should do and raise your standards and do them yourself. You'll be a better, happier you.

Sharon  3/4/02 If you and your husband are sure of God's calling then you must follow God's will.  You may receive reproach from some but that doesn't really mean anything.  There are always people who doubt everything.  You must follow what God has told you.  Doubt (or rather questioning) is a natural reaction (just don't go overboard with it).  Moses questioned God, but He followed God's will and look at all the great things he did!  As for your Pastor, God may or may not let him be aware of what you and your husband need to do.  Just because the pastor hasn't said anything doesn't mean you're not called.  God may be testing you to see if you're really willing to follow Him.  When I was in college I felt that I might have been called to do Summer Missions.  I prayed with a friend for God to show me the way He wanted me to go.  Within a few days, God made it known to me that I was not to go on Summer Missions that year.  It was more of a test to see if I was truly willing to follow God wherever He may lead. I was ready and willing but that was not what God had in store for my life.  I know you and your husband have been praying, continue to do so.  If you're still not sure, ask God for a specific sign so that you will know without a doubt that this is what He wants you to do.  Also, talk to your pastor, he can give you insight and help in getting started in the field of ministry.  If you have prayed about this decision and have truly heard God's calling then you cannot ignore it.  God bless and have faith.

shelly  3/15/02 I have been a PW for 18 years, Please never put down a PW, EACH PW IS VERY SPECIAL IN GODS EYES. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BURDENS SHE MAY HAVE.,PLEASE THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU PUT OTHER PW DOWN, WHAT MAKES YOU THE EXPERT.REMEMBER YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN A PW FOR A FEW MONTHS, YOU WILL HAVE MANY BURDENS, SO JUDGE NOT ,BECAUSE YOU WILL BE JUDGED.

Sharon  3/15/02 You must remember that you do not have to be at the church "every time the doors are open".  Yes, we are there a lot, but you must make time for your family.  God created the family before he created the church.  You will probably just have to say no to some of those extra activities.  People should understand (they have families too) and if they don't then you will have to help them understand.  As for your children's activities.  Don't overload them.  In my opinion, they should only have one, maybe two, extra activities.  You don't want to burn them out at an early age.  Let them choose an activity to do for one year.  If they like it and want to continue, that's fine.  If they don't like it then at the end of the year they can try something else.  This will teach them to be committed and allows them to try different things.  Also, be sure that you are not pushing things on them.  Let them make the decisions with you.  It will teach them problem solving and help them know how much you support them.  A suggestion for time at home:  set aside a night to be Family Night, a night with NO outside activities.  Everyone either stays home and does something special together like playing a game or everyone goes out to do something special, like a movie.  Think of it as a "date night" for the family.  Your children will really appreciate the special time you and your husband spend with them and when they get older (teens) they will most likely want to continue that special time with you.  Living busy lives is not easy.  Slow down a little, and stop to "smell the roses".  You'll be glad you did.  God Bless.

Keep going forward  3/14/02  Since God told you to go to that church, do not lose heart.  You did not "miss God". What you are experiencing is resistance from the enemy.  You are walking into his territory, into a church that he thought he could keep in a spiraling down pattern.  God has sent you there to turn it around and raise it up.  The devil is not just going to sit back and let you bring the life of God back into that church and into those people.  He is bringing out the "big guns" against you and your husband and your family through doubt and problems.  But God has equipped you with BIGGER GUNS!!!  The Word of God used in prayer. The fierce anger of the Lord that rises up in you against the enemy. Discernment. Obedience that makes your prayers more powerful. Please do not give up!  This is what you were called to do and GOD will give you the victory!  ***I pray that God will shine His light on your lives and situations so everything may be visible and clear (Eph. 5:13) so that the enemy will not be able to hide in the darkness anymore and you can understand the great power that is at work in and for us who believe (Eph. 1:18-20).  For the sake of the lost people and this struggling church (I see this new church as bigger and even more full of LIFE than your previous church!) and for the entire kingdom of God...Keep Going Forward!

someonecares  3/21/02 I totally understand your feelings in this situation.  Remember that satan is an accuser and it seems that your husband does love you because of his humility in asking forgiveness for
what may have hurt you.  Don't focus so much on whether or not he had an affair. It will not help your situation.  Take what you have found and pray for your husband daily.  Cover him in every area especially in this area.  Instead of talking to others about the situation, talk to God. Pray for your marriage to be covered and for the Lord to keep your husband strong to resist temptations.  Also ask the Lord to help you to be the wife that your husband desires. You can't control others, but you have control over your own actions.  Spend time with God working on being a good wife. Let God do the work on your husband and the other woman.  Be kind to her but don't be fake.  Use wisdom.  Also if there is still a need for someone to talk to, ask the Lord to send you an accountability partner.  Someone who will listen and pray for you.  So many times when we are desperate we tell the first person who comes along and seem interested and it can become more of a problem.  They will spread what you say and before you know it, it is out of control.  Pray for a Godly woman who is discreet.  Like the woman mentioned in Titus 2.  I pray that God will heal your marriage and that He will bless you to be the wife that He has called you to be.  I pray that you will have favor with your husband and he will desire only you. God bless you!

baby girl down south  3/25/02  thank you someone that cares for your response. This website is truly a blessing for me being that I do not have a mentor to vent to right now but I will do as you have said and I ask every PW that reads this web sight to pray WITH ME for my marriage, my children and most of all that I will be that mighty woman of God he has called me to be. God Bless You ALL!!!

jo  4/4/02 my husband is the pastor and youth pastor at our church.  I am an at home mom with three children one whom i home school.  we are a young family and the school system is a very good one around us.  yet through lots of prayer we feel that the best place for our family is to be home schooled.  now does this affect our ministery?  I would hope not.  do we understand how to minister to school kids.  yes by the wisdom from God.  I struggle with any one saying that he can not be affective because of our descision for our family.  The question I have is how can you minister to broken families when yours is whole?  Kids doing drugs when yours never did?  Abuse when you don't abuse? and what about the youth pastors who do not have children can they be affective or youth pastors with young children and not teens??  sounds to me that someone needs something to complain about and well they picked home schooling.  if you feel that the best thing for yourfamily and children is homeschooling then keep it up you only get your children once. Just pray that God will comfort you and that He will change the minds of others.

Cath  4/9/02  I am a Pastor's wife who Homeschools in a denomination which are not very supportive to the HS way of thinking, we are constantly under pressure (or were) to change or give up, although we were never told directly to give up the pressure was unspoken, we were also to keep quiet about it....in otherwords don't propagate it. We thankfully were not actual Pastors in this church but were in the Leadership team and closely related with all of the Pastors.  I found that persistance has won the race now after 5 years, there is a general acceptance and even respect for our stand our children are obedient. complient and full of personality and joy, no they are not perfect nor would I expect them to be, but people can see the benefits of our stand (though they would not do it themselves)  I did not push my point of view EVER, nor did I argue with people, yes I answered their questions politely but I was fairly reserved in my comments. I vowed and declared that I would never appear Kooky or fanatical, but made Homeschooling my lifestyle that was just the same as the Schooling was their's, I never made value judgements about people who sent there kids to school and empathised with all people who had problems with their chn in school without recommending Homeschool. It was hard at times but eventually I believe that the tides will change in attitude towards Homeschooling families.  So keep your head low, endeavour to excell, give the devil no room to accuse you (just cover your bases, don't try to be the perfect Pastor's Wife, but do your best) Try to ignore comments and negative looks and attitudes, trust in what God has told you.  Above all DON'T JUDGE others just love, love, love then on top of that love again But on a personal level I want to encourage you and say stick to your Guns, it is a hard call but don't give up no man has the right to dictate to you how you raise your children ultimately you will have to answer NOT your leadership. Don't be rebellious but firmly and graciously refuse to bow to the ungodly pressure that requires you to sacrifice something that God has spoken to your heart. That is certainly NOT God. I have been schooling for 5 or so years and have been Pastoring, a Pastor's wife or in Leadership for ALL of this time. It's great when we go to conferences YES with all of the children we have 5 now!.....we are a novelty to say the least- most people just ask if we've had anymore kids then call us crazy!!!!! People can be very strange, how can a child God gives you drive you crazy......(Well I admit there are some days......BUT everyone has days like this, even the women at work,2 kids at school!!!! TRUE?)  My intent is not to be judgemental, but practical, keep plodding dear one, and keep near to Jesus, He is the one who will see you through.

4/12/02  I feel for you but.......In love I want to tell you your problem is a bad attitude. I'm sorry to have to break it to you.Maybe even mixed with a little bitterness. I understand you're tired, we are all tired, but our husbands are too. Your husband works 40 hours a week as well as you, plus he must prepare sermons,lessons, deal with church problems, and that is another full time job on it's own.  I think your guilt may be the Holy Spirit convicting you. Please don't misunderstand me because I've been where you are. I am a missionary/Pastors wife and I did'nt want to be here for well over 3 years. Anyway, I made it very difficult for my husband to Pastor many times by not being there in every service when I could be there. You mentioned about housework.....you have an 11 and 16 year old? Delegate some chores for them!! If your church is growing your husband does need your support more than ever. Even if it is seeing your face (smiling preferably) among the congregation. Also, we as women want to be an example to our children. If our children see us not attending church when we could be there, then at some point they will think it is okay for them to not attend as well. Not only that, it's not good for them to see the tention between you and your husband. I pray you will take this advice from someone who's "been there and done that" and not take offence.

Sharon  4/4/02 If you and your fiance are truly positive that it is God's will for you to be married then there is nothing his mother can or should do.  She must respect the decision being made by her son and deal with it.  If she has concerns then she needs to talk it out with her son (and maybe you also).  But he will need to be the one to put her mind at ease.  He needs to tell his mother that he loves you truly and that you are the one God has set aside to be his mate.  There always comes a time when we have help our parents realize that we are grown up and have to make our own decisions.  His time just may have come a little earlier than expected.  If she cannot accept this then at that point all you can do is pray that God will change her heart and help her to see His will.  A little story for you:  My parents were kind of in the same situation as you and your fiance (slightly different though).  My mother grew up Southern Baptist and my father grew up Assembly of God.  After they got engaged they knew that the demonational issue would have to settled before they married.  So, each month they would alternate going to each other's church.  One month at my mom's church then one month at my dad's church.  And of course, they continually prayed for God's will in their lives.  One Sunday, they were at my mom's church, and at the end of the  service (without notice) my dad went forward during the invitation and joined my mom's church.  (He was already a Christian).  He did this of his own free will and without pressure from anyone.  Not too long after that my dad felt God calling him into the ministry.  After he finished his time in the Air Force, he went to college and then on to Seminary and now has been serving God for almost 31 years in Southern Baptists churches.  The point is, you must follow God's will.  My dad's parents were not pleased at all that he chose to leave their church and not take the job they had waiting for him when he got out of the Air Force.  They told him that he would never make it through college and that he was wasting his time.  Well, as you can see, he certainly didn't waste his time going into the ministry (and he has a Master's degree) and my parents have been happily married for 39 years.  Follow God's will and you can never go wrong.  Pray about your fiance's mother and you two support each other fully in your decisions.  God Bless.

Sharon  4/10/02  The only "duty" of a pastor's wife is to be a wife.  Support your husband in all he does.  Be there for him, just as any wife would be for her husband.  As for the ministry, you must do what God calls you to do, no more and no less.  In my church, I am involved in the choirs and am VBS director.  That's it.  It is what I feel that God wants me to do (not what the church wants me to do).  How can someone expect you to "do it all" when they are not willing to their part.  Are your church members doing their part?  Each ministry in the church provides a way for people with certain spiritual gifts and talents to serve and give back to God.  They cannot expect you to have all of the gifts and do everything.  Pray about what God would have you do, where you can best serve your church according to your spiritual gifts and talents.  There was only one "superman", that was Jesus Christ, and you're not Him.  As for your husband, talk with him until he understands what your going through and ask him to help the church realize that you are not employed by the church.  In this regard, you are like every other church member; a person that needs to serve God where he wants you to serve Him.  You both must remember, the church hired him to pastor, not you.  Keep your eyes on the Son and God Bless.

Amy  4/10/02  There are no "official duties"  a Baptist pastor's wife has.  I've been a pw for 5 years.  I'm 33 years old and basically, I am who I am.  I don't do what I don't feel "called" by God to do.  I want to do more than what I do because I feel God has called me to some specific ministries, but I work full time as a teacher and I have no energy left.  What I have left, I do use up as much as I can...  Here's a word of wisdom....be who you are.  Don't try to be what you or anyone else thinks a  "typical preacher's wife" should be.  Do what you feel God has called you to do in the church.  Otherwise, you will overwhelm yourself and never be truly satisfied.  Before my husband and I accepted the ministry,  our pastor (of a very successful and large Baptist church) said to me,  BE WHO YOU ARE - Don't feel pressure to fall into a role you're not comfortable with.   I know he believed it.  His precious wife said the same and she is so loved by everyone.  Hang in there.  Take care.....  Ask God what he wants from you.  It may just be to support your husband.  That in itself is a HUGE ministry.   Take care and God bless you.  I had the same question 5 years ago....

Sharon  4/10/02  Relate?  Oh yes, I can relate.  I struggle with the same thing.  It is good to be there for others, but as you said, who is there for us?  Well, let me give you some suggestions that have been given to me, and they have worked.  First, pray for God to send you friends that you can trust and confide in.  (These people might be in the church or they may not.)  You may try reaching out to other pastor's wives in your community.  I'm sure they need someone to talk to also.  Check out the activities in your local association.  Our association is having a minister's wives retreat at the end of May.  I am really excited about going.  If your association doesn't have this event maybe you could suggest it to them.  And, if you would like, I'd be glad to converse with you.  Feel free to get my e-mail address from Rockdove.  As for getting involved in your church's ministries, God expects you to be involved where He wants you.  You can't do everything, but even if it is something that may seem small to you it may be something greatly meaningful to someone else.  Get involved where you can and ask God to bless you in that area.  Keep praying and God Bless.