The purpose of this page is to support and encourage pastor's wives.  If you are a pastor's wife and have a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion, please fill out the form and click submit.  Responses will be added later.  Let's help each other!

Please also submit for our future book .  We are also planning a book for and about pastor's kids .  Please check this out if you were a pastor's kid - or have your child give us ideas!

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Item: Quantity: "Copy Me!" Bible Quizzes Devotions for Dog Lovers Devotions for Hunters and Anglers Self-Inflicted Hunting Arguments Hunting and the Bible Messianic Psalms The Prodigal Pooch The Rail Rider faith  8/14/01 Hi, I am a wife who has dreamed all my life of being a pastors wife. I've had some experience in ministry as a volunteer Youth Pastor's wife and worship leader's wife. I don't know if God's plan is training us for full time ministry or not. But I do know of some life lessons that we have learned along the way that has brought us more understanding of what we chose to believe when we first saw the light of Jesus when we were young. Exepereince is the refining fire process bringing what we believe in our minds into the life giving fire to give us more understanding into our hearts so that our relationship becomes more real with the life giver. In reading all these letters what I see is this: Your going to through the refining fire, what is happening God is fully aware of and plans for your future to turn all things to the good for His glory and name sake. Step into His full acceptance and embrace his undying love. Acknowledge to Him all of your ways and He will lift you up. Live out today being purposefull for the kingdom of God and lay up your treasures in heaven. Ask Him for strength for today and joy will be your portion of delight as you delight in Him. Be true, be honest and be real. Keep your eyes on Jesus, as soon as you take them off you'll find yourself in the enemy's camp and feeling like your going insane but when this happens if you'll just look to Jesus He will turn the light on (He is the light) and you will see that your enemy is not you or me or God, the torchering you or harrassing you is the real enemy and it's only because your in his camp or he's in your's (your mind). So get out, by taking up your authority in Christ and be victorious today! Thank you Jesus for your prescious blood covering that nothing lasts longer than we want it too! Prayerof authority: Satan get out of our minds, satan get out of our emotions, satan get out of our hearts, satan get our lives. You must leave right now in Jesus name. Jesus forgive us our sins and our partnering with the enemy by letting him stay too long and give us peace and strength for today in Jesus name. We have victory in Jesus in the midst of our circumstances through repentance (a change of heart) and taking up our authority in Christ! Amen!

SUNSHINE  8/15/01 THIS MAY NOT EVEN GET POSTED BUT I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO.  MY HUSBAND AND I FIGHT ABOUT SEX ALL THE TIME.  I AM NEVER IN THE MOOD.  IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.  DOES IT MEAN I DON'T LOVE MY HUSBAND ENOUGH. DOES IT MEAN I AM NOT CLOSE ENOUGH TO GOD.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  I FEEL LIKE AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD LIKE THIS AND MY HUSBAND DOES TO.

Faith  8/24/01 I can sympathize with you. About five years ago I was going through a depression that I was not aware of due to stress and pressures at church. I too became totally ill at even the word or thought of sex. If you were like me any pressure to perform made me want to puke, and it should. Striving is not of God. However, looking back now I can see a lot of things differently and it's not worth going through if you can help it. I would get on your knees and pray for God to help you sift through your emotions and circumstances and help refocus on what is important. Adults can do without sex but a marriage may not survive. I would also see a doctor or an herbal therapist.  It could be things like not feeling sexy or not feeling pretty, not appreciated, or feeling a pressure to be someone your not, these emotione are stressful and can be overwhelming if they are not talked out with your husband. But God is not overwhelmed and he can restore anything that is broken or hurting. Hope this helps, have faith and believe!

8/27/01  Sunshine...are you on birth control?  My husband and I were having lots of arguments too, but after I went off of the pill, things changed.  The hormones in the pill were affecting my emotions and my sexual drive.

Renee  8/27/01 You are not the only one, believe me!  I have been in your shoes.  It is possible to overcome your problem.  I did on my own, but it took several years.  I would highly recomend seeing a counselor.  Not as a couple, but by yourself.  You may have issues that would be easier shared without your husband present.  Be sure your therapist is Christian.  I also highly recommend the book "The Power Of A Praying Wife".  Keep your eyes on the Lord and ask Him to heal you.  I will be praying for you.

Faith  8/24/01 I agree with you for simple measures of accountability and appearance sake! Luckily my husband wouldn't let it happen. He won't even call a woman, he has me do it. Must be a hard habit to break once women know that a pastor like to talk to women it's hard to get them off your path. Your husband will have to show a little distancing and stand firm with worrying wether they get their feelings hurt a little and actually a little sting might be helpful, God will heal it!

faith  8/29/01 We are all called to the ministry. Plain and simple jesus said ," Go and make fishers of men." You got to know who you are in Christ and wear the mark of the pastor's wife or anyone else. You have given her authority to say who you are and you need to take it back and give that authority to who deserves it Jesus Christ. Show mercy to the pastors wife and do as she has not done to you. God is the judge and He will convict her if she meant to wrong you from her heart. You'll be better and stronger and better prepared for the ministry God is calling you to. It's all a test of how your chracter and attitude. What you choose to do out of obedience to Christ will determine how soon you'll step through the open door only God can open.

EverHischild  10/16/01 Kenda, I hope I have your name right. I am very sorry to hear about your son that is having problems with his liver. However I have a brother in law who has the same thing and they put him on very powerful experiemental drugs. I am pleased to report to you that he went thru with no problems at all and is considered in remission. I am praying that the same thing will happen with your son.

moli  9/29/01 There must be a balance in any minister's life, family first then church. But that is something that he will have to realize and apply in his life. Many ministers marry the church, and that is not healthy, if i may speak from experience, i have been married now for three years to Pastor.  in the beginning he went on as if i wasnt there, it took a lot of crying before God on my side, for Him to open my hubbies eyes, and see that your wife comes first. And i must say that i really prayed a lot, and today, we do not spend much time apart, we are actually inseparable, and he always consults me before doing things, and when it does not include me, he still makes me feel part of it. But like i said, did not come automatically- i soon realized that asking him will have not effect, so i went to his boss - GOD himself, who through the Holy Spirit ministered to Him, one thing i have to say a PW is a praying wife - a praying life - a praying everything all the time.

GS  11/10/01  I would like to respond to the letter written by Kay (9/7/01) I have just found this website and I hope I am not too late.  Kay SSTTOOPP!!!!!!! First have you prayed to GOD and know what your ministry is?  Oh yes, girlfriend, being a Pastor's Wife is a ministry, and you definetly have to be called to do it. Honey if 95% of his life is church, that only leaves 5% for you.  And I am sure all the other PW's will agree when I say "Things are not going to change".  Second, have you two been going to pre-marital counseling or really being honest in your discussion of your feelings and expectations? Have you told him how much attention you need/want?  Reading between the lines of your letter, it seems to me that being married to a pastor would be the least of your problems.  I see selfiousness on both your parts.  Oh, I am sorry, I forgot to tell you that I have been married for 7 1/2 years and a Pastor's Wife for the past 4.  So I speake from experience.  If we had gone through more extensive counseling, I would not have gotten married.  With all that said, I just say to you, make sure that you are hearing from GOD.

jo  9/22/01 oh girl my heart is heavy for you and I am praying that some female will come out of the woodwork of your town and be a true friend in Christ and in the needs you have.  And that your husband will see that you are his number one.

jo  9/22/01 the greatest advice I can give is be your self no one else.  and do not let any one put you in the pastor wife box.  It is lonley in there.  the next is that you and your to be need to pray every night together because a coulple that prays together stays together.  and life gets real busy for your husband make sure he puts you in his daytimer where it is your turn to connect and nothing but death should stop that time.  get away from phones and computers and talk at least once a week.  and when you talk keep the work out of it.  be a good listener and his best friend.  and always  never forget to pray for him.  being a wife takes time and the first year is usually the hardest but you will do well if you both keep God as your first love.  and that does not mean work that means relationship together with God as your first love.

SDW MW 2B  9/25/01 Thank you so much for your response.   I liked your advice about just being myself.   There have already been people that have tried to change me into some kind of "minister's wife mold" but I can only be who I am.  I also liked your advice about praying and praying together.   There is so much pressure in being the wife of a minister/pastor.   It is not something that I ever thought of doing, and even now it is not something that I would have chosen for myself but I am just accepting that this is what was in God's plan for me.   There is so much pressure and so many things that you have to just "accept", added to the stress of everyday life and then the stress of becoming a wife for the first time.  It does get overwhelming at times but I just pray about it and ask God to give me the strength and the wisdom to do a job that is pleasing to Him and at the same time try and keep a positive image for others.  But it makes me feel good that I was able to find this site and communicate with people that are going through the same things that I am going through.  I still welcome advice from all of you "seasoned" PW/MW's out there on how you cope and deal with certain situations.

mixedemotions  9/26/01 I read your response to the other ladies and was somewhat comforted by your words. In fact i sent in a request, a plea for help today myself and I am waiting for it to posted to receive some responses. But reading your comments kindda sustained me. I want so much for my husband to talk to me, put me up on his list and support me. amp/2497 - I feel ya! It is good to have a place to vent. ICould I be expecting something from him that he can't give? Am I wrong to want him to spend time with me and the kids? He tells me all the time that he works three jobs- He is an AP in the school system, a Pastor, and I don't know what his other job is but if that the case I have 5 jobs-A mother, a teacher, a homemaker, a student, and a Pastor's wife. I don't know maybe what I'm presently going through will be over soon.

sisdonna  9/26/01 I feel for you.  I know how heartless a congregation of so called "Christians" could be.  Being a Pastor's wife is DEFINITELY not a walk that I would choose. The difference is that we were "chosen" to this most honored position. My children are teenagers now and have already sworn that they would never marry a person in minstry because of all they have seen my husband and I go through in 25 years of ministry.  I have been accused of committing adultery, of being a lesbian and every other kind of atrocity you could imagine. I too have shared this ministry with my husband for over 22 years.  It hasn't been an easy walk, but take heart my sister - there is a crown in glory waiting for you as well as a place on the Father's throne - Rev. 3:21 If there's anything that I have learned from the World Trade Center attacks of which I am directly reminded of each day because I pass Ground Zero daily - is that this life is very short and we must make every opportunity to share Christ with whomever will listen.  Seeing and smelling death all around me is an awful thing.  When you say you'd rather have swallowed a gun, I hope that you don't really mean that.  Death is FINAL...No turning back... No second chances.  Young CEO's and exectutives (not much older than 16) are DEAD now!  Or disintigrated from the flames.  Would you really have chosen death rather than the position beside your husband?  I hope that you will reconsider those words. And I hope that I am not discouraging you all the more, but I feel for the sake of the new women called into this position, there needs to be an opposite response to your letter so they don't give up before they even get started in ministry.  We need strong women to uphold our new Pastors in this awful world. You have been bestowed a GREAT honor and you WILL be blessed for your sacrifices. Hang in there and your dear family will be added to my personal prayer list.

moli  9/29/01 my dear i understand your frustration, but you are not unique and nether are your problems, be careful that a root of bitterness does not spring up and defile many. God is good and He is alive, and i dont care what we as PW have to go through in order to fulfill this calling - GOD IS WITH US - HALLELUJAH

pastor's wife 2  9/28/01  dear heart, i commend you on your great strength and perseverence. the feelings you have are soooo familiar to me. our situations seem almost identical. i am also working a full time job and working on my master's degree. he has three kids (who lived with us) and i have one. and he always wants homecooked meals on a daily basis. and then expects me to attend church two or three times a week. i too delt with the fact that he was always there for everyone else and not me. and i never understood how he could counsel so many families and neglect the one he had at home. especially with as much as i was giving. and the sex, get out of here! i've always had a high sex drive, but he who wasn't responding to my needs. it literally begins to wear you out. like yourself, i never wanted to go through the motions of marriage. but this is what i discovered about my husband. although he had been previously married for 16 years, their relationship had long since deminished. they were actually just two people cohabitating in the same house. he sought comfort in the church. so his members were used to have easy access to their pastor. it became habit for him to be there and tend to the needs of others even though things weren't right at home. this made things a hard for us. just as you did, i would always talk to him about taking care of home first. i would have to constantly remind hime that he was married and his family should be considered in decisions that he made. i always felt last on his priority list. it was excrutiatingly hurtful. it didnt take long for me to become very tired (emotionally, physically, and sspiritually). there's no feeling like it. and i'm willing to bet that my husband is twice as stubborn as yours. i discovered that no matter how much i ranted and raved on, until he was ready to move, there was no moving him. so i say to you first, dont frustrate yourself any more by trying to talk to him. stay in the word and confide in god about it. there's no punishment like the one god can give. he knows how to get through to a man, like no one else can. dont allow bitterness to build up. because then you start treating him like he's treating you and nothing is accomplished. love him through the mess. books are a good source of inspiration and motivation, but seek strength from god. if he's a man of god, he knows that he's neglecting you and he will be convicted one way or another. take care of yourself. when the woman falls, nothing in the home works as it should. take long walks, hot baths, long drives. even a weekend getway....you would be surprised what it can do. spend time building yourself up. there must be balance in your life. dont let life run you. take control of your life. you only get to live it once. trying to be superwoman wont last. something has to give. it was a very hard conversation to have with my husband because i knew that he expected so much, but i told him those exact words. did he take it well? not hardly. i told him he couldnt compare me to anyone else in the church because no one was doing everything that i was. my classes are in the evenings. on those days i dont cook. there are certain days during the week that i clean up. and i no longer try to attend everything at the church. although the man is the head, the woman is the backbone. when satan can overcome you, he's got the home. but the bibe says, we're more than conquerors. god doesnt put any more on us than we can bare. know that everything you go through, you dont go through just for you. your life is testimony for someone else. put your faith in god and live each day knowing that trouble don't last always.......it's very apparent that you're a strong woman. i pray for your continued strength. take care.

wildthing  9/28/01 Sharon, I recognize your struggle with finding and developing meaningful relationships as a PW.  I am a young woman too, and my husband is serving in a parish of mostly older families and senior citizens.  I have found wonderful fellowship OUTSIDE the parish and great friendships with women who are not involved in our church.  My husband is NOT their priest, therefore, I am more able to be myself around them.  I have involved myself in other ministries outside of the church, along with ministries inside of the church.  I attend a bible study with women my age at another church - it is great, and some of them do not even know what my husband does for a living!  The pressure is off,and I can just be a part of the group - as "normal" as possible!  It takes work to establish these relationships, but I have found them more fufilling than any relationship with a parishoner.  Have fun!  Email me if you'd like!

Sharon  10/1/01 I admire you for standing your ground with your teens.  Keep up the good work.  I am not a parent yet but I work with teens in a disciplined field and I can tell you that they need boundaries.  If all they have are friends instead of parents they will not have the respect for you as they should.  It may not seem like it, but your teens will respect you (and probably already do) for sticking to your ground.  You may not know about it for years to come but you can rely on God's word; train up a child in the way of Lord and when he is older he will not depart from it (paraphrased). As for Pastor, you need to sit down with him and discuss this.  My husband and I have already been discussing what we will do or not do when we do have children.  You must have a plan, one that both of you can agree on.  First, pray about it together.  Ask that God would show you how to handle your children together and ask for a clear plan.  Then, right that plan down and when you agree that it is finished share it with your children.  Kids are far more likely to follow someone or something when they understand why it is there and not just because they hear "because I said so".  Be sure they understand that you are doing this because you love them and for their protection.  After you have shared with your teens give them a chance to discuss it with you.  They might have some really good ideas of how you can help them and in return they will probably come up with ways that they can help you.  Don't underestimate your teens, just give them a chance to develop and grow up.  Not all at once, but little by little.  You'll find that they will respect you more and are more willing to listen to you when you listen to them.  Above all, bathe everything in prayer, your husband, your children and you.  As I said, I'm not a parent yet, but I had wonderful parents for role models and this worked with my sisters and me.  I will be praying for you.

wildthing  10/17/01 Your husband has to get his PRIORITIES straight, and he needs someone else to tell him this besides you (obviously he is not listening to your counsel right now for whatever reason.)  Find men - Godly men who you know he respects who ARE NOT IN YOUR CHURCH to talk with him - confront him.  Maybe men of another denomination or other pastors.  Have the "I'm Third"  Motto:  God First, FAMILY and others second, and I'm third.

sisdonna  10/17/01 Dear sister, praise God that you are being led to minister to the "down and outters".  Have you thought that maybe you should link arms with organizations that deal with people who are having problems in the area of alcohol and drugs?  Teen Challenge is one such organization that is always looking for help.  Sometimes it's difficult to start a ministry such as this by yourself.  Better to get experience and know how from a ministry that has a great success rate and then if the Lord leads, you'll be prepared to move out on your own in the future.  Just a thought! Here are a few #'s to help you depending on where you are located in the U.S. - Ohio: 513 - 248 - 0452  PA: 215 - 848 - 9495   Brooklyn, NY: 718 - 789 - 1414    W VA:  304 - 547 - 9280   Best Wishes to You!

moli  10/28/01 I agree totaly with sisdona, and by the way Teen Challenge is a wonderful ministry.  We also work with " down and out" people for 10 years already, and we use some of the programs of Teen challenge. they are great. It is a difficult type of ministry and i agree that you should get some experience first. i hope it works out for you.

Sharon  10/16/01 Janina, don't give up.  God has a plan for you and I think you know that.  If God calls you to minister in a certain area like youth, playing instruments, etc., then that's what you need to do.  It is strange (to me) that your church thinks a pastor's wife should just sit and do nothing.  Most places I've been in contact with seem to think the opposite.  They either think the pastor's wife should be involved with everything or some actually have the right idea and know that the wife will serve in the areas God has called her to serve in.  You are trying to serve God, don't let other people prevent you from serving.  Pray that God will open a door for you to serve.  Maybe in just a small way to begin with and as the people realize that you are simply following God's will they won't object.  They shouldn't object to anyone who is willing to serve the church.  Most churches usually have to beg people to get involved and be committed.  As for your husband, he should have stood up for you.  I believe that is his duty not only as a pastor but also as your husband.  You need to sit down and talk about this with him if you have not already.  Let him know how you feel and how you felt that night.  Help him understand the things you need from him and ask him what he needs from you.  Discuss it and come to an agreement, under God's authority, of how you can help each other.  Be sure to bathe everything in prayer; not just you by yourself but you and your husband together, and wait for God's perfect timing.  God bless you and know that I am praying for you.

Teri  10/16/01 Janina, get help.  It's the best thing you can do for you and your marriage.  Find a christian counselor and seek help.  You need to sit down with your husband and talk, really talk about how you feel and in the presence of a counsellor is one of the best gifts you can give your marriage.  An outside view of your situation will give insight and oportunity to express what needs to be said.  I too had a situation where my husband did not support me and let me be attacked.  Without God's help and a commitment to open communication, I'm not sure I could have survived that.  It wasn't till after a tremendous accident my husband had and having to deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, that we spent some time in counselling.  Having someone from outside our lives take a more objective view on our marriage, how we deal with anger, stress and our relationship, did our marriage ever really come together.  No, life has not been perfect, in fact the "stabbing me in the back" incident happened a year later, but foundations were layed to open the door to communication and especially to "listening" to what our spouse is saying and feeling.  Above all else, God has called Pastors first to be husbands and fathers, the church takes precidence after that.  His first accounting to God will be for his family, then the flock.  It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of issues, and churches will always be dishing out something at one time or another, so get help and healing for yourself and your marriage.  God will be looking at what you have done there first.  Next, find a way to use your spiritual gifts.  Remember the parable Jesus told of the talents in Matthew 25:14 - 30.  Perhaps you need to get out of that situation for a time of healing, I don't know, but you need to feed your situation with much prayer and wise counsel.  Call everyone you know who will be a support and get them praying.  In every place we are God is teaching us something, figuring out just what that is, is the hard part.  Remain faithful to be a godly wife and support your husband, but is definately time to take action.  Be strong and courageous.

Unnamed  11/2/01 Be submissive to your elders. There are reasons they are holding you back.  Being divorced in our organization is a reason to be held back, you have to show proof that there was a Biblical reason for divorce (adultery).  Often times, regardless of your background, there has to be a proving time.  You can still minister by win souls, teaching Bible studies, etc.  That is a sure way to prove you are sincere.

Anonymous  11/11/01 I understand exactly what you are going through. Just remember that the Lord is
merciful and He is forgiving. My husband and I, too, have been through divorces before our marriage.
The Lord can work through anything. Not wanting to upset you, but did you all ever think about changing denominations or even becoming inter-denominational. My hubby and I did that and have not had to deal with all the condemnation from the denomination we used to belong to. You have to do what the Lord calls you to do. One day you will stand before His Throne and have to answer to Him how you handled the "talents" He gave you. Read the story of the talents and the 3 servants over again. You will find it most interesting and applicable to your situation! The Lord will deal with the men that are attempting to hold you back as well, but you won't have to answer to them! I know how rough it is to leave your group and strike out on your own. It can be quite scary and intimidating, but the rewards are unbelievable and we have found such a peace in our hearts in our decision to obey God and not man! In the end, you will answer to the Lord and not those elders! My blessings and prayers are with you!

Unnamed  11/2/01 We do not live in a parsonage. Thankfully most churches in our denomination have gotten away from this.  Pastors and PW need their own homes for several reasons. One of them is home should be a haven for the pastors family. The church should respect that and not just "drop by," whenever they feel like it. Another reason is income tax, and still another is that it is a good investment. What if something happens to your husband and you live in the parsonage? You are left without anything. If you own a home, you can continue to live there or sell it and move elsewhere.  If the church has a parsonage it should be like the White House. The current occupant has free reign with decorating.  This is the PASTORS HOME - don't tell him what he can and can't do in his home.  Thankfully our denomination is not like a lot of others (at least that's what I get from reading these posts).  The church does not "own" the pastor. He is the shepherd of the flock. BUT the PW does attend every service and is involved in the church.  To those who say they don't attend or attend unwillingly - that blows me away. No wonder you are unhappy.  Before my hubby has accepted the pastorate of a church he makes sure they understand we are a package deal (hubby, wife and kids).I feel if God calls US (when you married him you became ONE) to a place, He will equip us and help us to be happy, but we have to submit to God and have a consecrated prayer life.  I Love pastoring, I cannot imagine doing anything else.  Yes, I work outside the home (this year is hte first time in several years, since I homeschooled our children until they graduated). I have worked part time as an editor for a publishing company - from home for several years. now I do that and teach school too (25 jr high and high school students every day - with a 40 minute (or more) commute each way).  Plus I operate a puppet making business from home.  I am the Children's Ministries director at church, and we travel teaching workshops and seminars and speaking at conferences.  yes I am busy - but the rewards are Eternal! And I Love it because I love Jesus. I do everything as unto HIM.

EverHischild  11/8/01 I am so sorry for all the hurt you have been thru. My husband and I have been thru a real struggle in our first church of 3 yrs. also. No I have not been thru the personel sorrow you have experienced but I do hurt as well. My husband is wanting to give up his church and just preach every once in awhile. I am so concerned about him getting out of the ministry. But after much prayer, the Lord assures me that we can always minister no matter what our role is in life. I pray that you and your husband can heal the hurt in your marriage and when you reach the end of this valley, you will be closer to the Lord than you have ever been. I pray that both of you realize that God still loves you and will find a place for you to minister to others somewhere. Do no loose your relationship with the Lord. No matter what comes or goes, your relationship with the Lord has to survive. You have to make it at all costs. I will pray for both of you. May the Lord touch you both with His Mighty Presence. God bless you both.