The purpose of this page is to support
and encourage pastor's wives. If you are a pastor's wife and have a
question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion,
please fill out the form and click submit. Responses will be added later.
Let's help each other!
Please also submit for our
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. We are also planning a book for and about
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faith 8/14/01
Hi, I am a wife who has dreamed all my life of being a pastors
wife. I've had some experience in ministry as a volunteer Youth Pastor's
wife and worship leader's wife. I don't know if God's plan is training us
for full time ministry or not. But I do know of some life lessons that we
have learned along the way that has brought us more understanding of what
we chose to believe when we first saw the light of Jesus when we were young.
Exepereince is the refining fire process bringing what we believe in our
minds into the life giving fire to give us more understanding into our hearts
so that our relationship becomes more real with the life giver. In reading
all these letters what I see is this: Your going to through the refining
fire, what is happening God is fully aware of and plans for your future to
turn all things to the good for His glory and name sake. Step into His full
acceptance and embrace his undying love. Acknowledge to Him all of your ways
and He will lift you up. Live out today being purposefull for the kingdom
of God and lay up your treasures in heaven. Ask Him for strength for today
and joy will be your portion of delight as you delight in Him. Be true, be
honest and be real. Keep your eyes on Jesus, as soon as you take them off
you'll find yourself in the enemy's camp and feeling like your going insane
but when this happens if you'll just look to Jesus He will turn the light
on (He is the light) and you will see that your enemy is not you or me or
God, the torchering you or harrassing you is the real enemy and it's only
because your in his camp or he's in your's (your mind). So get out, by taking
up your authority in Christ and be victorious today! Thank you Jesus for
your prescious blood covering that nothing lasts longer than we want it too!
Prayerof authority: Satan get out of our minds, satan get out of our emotions,
satan get out of our hearts, satan get our lives. You must leave right now
in Jesus name. Jesus forgive us our sins and our partnering with the enemy
by letting him stay too long and give us peace and strength for today in
Jesus name. We have victory in Jesus in the midst of our circumstances through
repentance (a change of heart) and taking up our authority in Christ! Amen!
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SUNSHINE 8/15/01
THIS MAY NOT EVEN GET POSTED BUT I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO.
MY HUSBAND AND I FIGHT ABOUT SEX ALL THE TIME. I AM NEVER IN THE MOOD.
IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. DOES IT MEAN I DON'T LOVE MY HUSBAND ENOUGH.
DOES IT MEAN I AM NOT CLOSE ENOUGH TO GOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I FEEL LIKE AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD LIKE THIS AND MY HUSBAND DOES TO.
Faith 8/24/01
I can sympathize with you. About five years ago I was going through a depression
that I was not aware of due to stress and pressures at church. I too became
totally ill at even the word or thought of sex. If you were like me any pressure
to perform made me want to puke, and it should. Striving is not of God. However,
looking back now I can see a lot of things differently and it's not worth
going through if you can help it. I would get on your knees and pray for
God to help you sift through your emotions and circumstances and help refocus
on what is important. Adults can do without sex but a marriage may not survive.
I would also see a doctor or an herbal therapist. It could be things
like not feeling sexy or not feeling pretty, not appreciated, or feeling
a pressure to be someone your not, these emotione are stressful and can be
overwhelming if they are not talked out with your husband. But God is not
overwhelmed and he can restore anything that is broken or hurting. Hope this
helps, have faith and believe!
8/27/01 Sunshine...are
you on birth control? My husband and I were having lots of arguments
too, but after I went off of the pill, things changed. The hormones
in the pill were affecting my emotions and my sexual drive.
Renee 8/27/01
You are not the only one, believe me! I have been in your shoes.
It is possible to overcome your problem. I did on my own, but it took
several years. I would highly recomend seeing a counselor. Not
as a couple, but by yourself. You may have issues that would be easier
shared without your husband present. Be sure your therapist is Christian.
I also highly recommend the book "The Power Of A Praying Wife". Keep
your eyes on the Lord and ask Him to heal you. I will be praying for
you.
Rhianne 8/15/01
Hello Friends! I am so thankful to have stumbled onto this site!
I actually was thinking that I was the only pastor's wife in the world who
is having trouble! My husband and I are pretty new at this...he has
been a youth minister for four years (while we went to Bible college), but
we are just now in our first full-time ministry position. He is the
associate minister of a small church. We were so excited to get this
job and so excited to be in the ministry, serving the Lord! Now it
seems that it is more stress than I can handle! First of all, we were
promised health insurance for our family (we have 4 children, ages 2,4, 6,
9). So far it has been three months and still no health insurance!
Last week one of our elders handed us papers to fill out to apply for a state
medical card. We don't know what to do....and the insurance seems to
be the least of our problems. When we took this position, the idea
presented to us was that the senior pastor would stay on for awhile, mentoring
my husband, etc. Now he will not let my husband preach, and he gets
angry with my husband for being upset over the insurance problem, saying
that we should be more concerned about the financial state of the church.
Also this minister and his wife do not get along with several of the families
in our church and they are putting us right in the middle, which we want
no part of. He (the sr. minister questions everything we do with these
families) I don't mean to sound like a complainer. We really
love the people of this church and we want to make this work. There
are a lot more details which I have not mentioned. Every day I am growing
more and more anxious about these problems. I try to give them to GOd
and let him handle them, but I feel so disappointed. This man and his wife
were supposed to be our mentors, to teach us about ministry life, but they
are making our life miserable. Has anyone else ever been in a situation
like this?
38thBirthdayGirl 8/16/01
Praise The Lord! My husband has been in ministry for approximately
10 years. God just called him to Pastor a church back in November of
2000. I love my husband dearly and he's wonderful to me. In the
past few years I've had the problem on how to relate to him and my sisters
in the Lord on protocol as to when I'm not home, there should be no other
women in my home. I realize that because he is a Pastor, people may
feel the need to drop by. However, if I'm not home I do not appreciate
another woman in my home. I trust my husband but I don't trust some
of the women that visit me or us. Am U being paranoid?
Faith 8/24/01
I agree with you for simple measures of accountability and appearance sake!
Luckily my husband wouldn't let it happen. He won't even call a woman, he
has me do it. Must be a hard habit to break once women know that a pastor
like to talk to women it's hard to get them off your path. Your husband will
have to show a little distancing and stand firm with worrying wether they
get their feelings hurt a little and actually a little sting might be helpful,
God will heal it!
jo 8/17/01 I am
not a normal pastors wife and even joke that it was in our pre nups the two
things that my husband could not do was be a farmer and a pastor well after
11 years of marrage and two kids. My husband and I felt that the Lord was
changing my heart and here I am 1 year into a church plant and expecting
our third. I am a type A personality and agressive in nature.
I have heated discussions with my husband and sometime need to appoligize
for some of the actions I display. My kids are not perfect and I love
them all the more when they are not. I am known as the pastors wife
and I say no I am ... I hate meeting new people and fellowship time
is not my cup of tea. I am in my husbands bible study for couples and
I never do my lesson I Hate Fill In the Blank. And I usually ask to
many questions because I love to think. I love giving to others and
entertaing small groups in my home. I home school and a at home mom.
I am involved with behind the sceens things and am very aggressive on telling
people NO even my husband at times. God is traing me every day and
I Love Him with all my heart. But I am not a normal pastors wife and
enjoy my position of not being normal. My daughter wears harley davidson
tee shirts and does her own hair at 7 sometimes i get questioned on
it and I say I think it looks pretty she did a good job don't you think?
I have determend that some people like to put you in a expectation box of
how a pastors wife should be and I have seen some women try and try
to fit in it but when ever they think they are in someone else changes the
size. My first question is who made this mold and why is it nation
wide. and second why are we as women and wifes willing to give up a
bit of ourselves to make every one else happy and not ourselfs. God
made us each on different and wonderful why change that? I have read
the bible over and over and have not found a part on "pastors wifes"
I found elders, pastors, wifes in general, husbands, children yet never a
"pastors wife section" soooo my conclusion we are wifes and just like
every other wife the rules are the same sooo when someone tries to get the
box out for you think is this mans rule or Gods. and decide get in
and change for man or have God prune you and mold you to Him. Yes I
get in the box sometime and get fustrated that i first did and second that
rules are different for me Then i get out with Gods help and give back the
box. Ladies BE WHO GOD MADE YOU LOVE THE LORD, LOVE YOUR HUSBAND,
LOVE YOUR CHILDREN AND LOVE YOURSELF
faith 8/22/01 I
had a couple more insights today that have really helped me get through some
trials and even past memories of hurts from others. This is it:" Am I going
to not wear the garment that marks of others, words, behaviors and feelings
which really is a symbol of the mark of the beast (condemnation) or I am
I gonna put on my new clothes today that resembles Christ (the cross) forgiven
and forgotten. I choose with a conscince choice of the forfront of my mind
to put on the new clothes ( The full armor of God) Satan is my enemy, not
people! Dear children of God, choose to love each other today with the love
of the Lord and you will be richly blessed from the inside out even if your
circumstances don't change on the outside you will be able to endure your
hardships from a peace within. Not trying to give any pat answers, just the
Truth! Love you all and your in my prayers!
Irene 8/23/01 A
LASTING IMPRESSION Hi I thought some of you might need a laugh. This is another
true story of mine. A few years back my husband and I thought it would
be nice to meet one of the other Pastors in the town, he had a guest speaker
from America speaking and it seemed like a good oppertunity. We have
six children, this night we took one of them with us because his son was
in the same class at school as this Pastors son and he could catch up with
him. Anyway we introduced ourselves and it was lovely meeting them,we had
a good talk after the meeting then they walked us to the van and we waved
goodbye, but we forgot about our son Luke, he had walked to the back of the
van and was about to get in when we took off. The other pastor said
to him, they must be just going around the corner. We had totally forgot
and drove home had a cup of tea and where getting into bed when the phone
rang. It was this Pastor, he said "have you forgotten anything," we go "no,
not that we can think of". He said "what about your son", how embarrassing.
Anyway he and the guest speaker dropped him off at our place. (I don't
know what the American guy thought of us Australians) We sure made an impression.
Just"us"mom 8/23/01
I have been married to a minister for the last 17 years. We have chosen
for me to stay home with our three children. Because of this we have
accrued debt. I have tried several jobs outside the home and have not
worked out. It seems as if God is shutting doors and I haven't found any
windows open yet. Does anyone have any suggestions? I really feel
that it is important to be at home when my kids get home yet that limits
the job possibilities. Several possibilities have presented themselves in
the last 2 days, but each entails investing an amount of money that at present
is not available. What does one do besides pray?
COpastor 8/25/01
Hello PW LET'S write A Book!!!!!
FOR PASTORS WIVES I am married to my childhood sweetheart.(We
have Four Teens at home). Our Church is 11 years Old. I am so feed up with
the isolation that most pastors wives are feeling. (It's SO SAD) Listen Ladies
Satan has sold us a bunch of Liezzzzzzz! It is not right for us to Isolate
ourselves Because we are ministry wives. This week I had A hard Time
at home I called several Friends and one of the was a Minister that attends
our church. This skipping over members in our Church has got to stop!
IF God Gives me a Friend in my Church or Out of the Church I will take it,
They can be in the ministry or out, saved or not. If I did not call on my
friends for help, I'd be miserable. today one of my friends and I just Talked
about The Tricks of Satan We shared what we had to deal with in our homes
ect. This was so refreshing. Two Friends Gave Me passages to read.
If you spend all of your time giving advice why can't you spend some time
recieving some advice. I call this taking the mask off. Quit fooling yourself.
There is to much pressure in ministry to try to keep A code of silence I
am speaking of Friends sent from God! (not Satan) Satan's Friends wants to
steal kill and destroy. Satan Friends Will cause fear and pain. God sends
People to undo the works of satan. might be in my church or may not be. If
I need a breakthrough. I will call whoever(doesn't Matter) I am not worried
about how I look. My sanity is more important! you most certainly need some
one to talk to if he is in adultery. that is not the kind of stuff you hold
back. THE DEVIL IS A LIAR! The pastors Wife needs friends just as much as
any Wife. Stop this Insanity, I want TO speak the Truth and be set/made free.
P.S. I WANT TO WRITE A BOOK ANY IDEAS? Rock Dove Blessings upon you I am
glad you let us vent and get refresed on this board. I hope my message will
set some lonely wife free. I will look to hear from pastor wives as God leads.
maybe someone else has a burden like mines can you put me in contact with
them so we can encourage one another. Thank you So Much!
Stacey 8/26/01
I am responding to the funnist or embarrasing thing that ever happned. Like
most pW's we have t sing, teach, clean ect. This night I was leading the worship
and the Lords' prescence was heavy in the church, so I started to dance around
and all of a sudden felt like the Lord was telling me to stop, so I did and
looked down, I don't know when but my slip had fallen off and was laying
at my feet! One of the young girls who sings with me was laughing and laughing!
Thank God for once the people were actually worshipping and saw nothing!
As a PW it has been a hard 5 yrs. We have been married almost 10 yrs and
half of that as pastors with NO training except hands on day by day. People
can be very hurtfull and ungodly but in the last 5 yrs. I have learned God
is always good, but I mean ummm ummm good! We have almost broken up, had
the worst rumors said about us and had more splits than a badly sown dress,
but I try to keep my eyes up on God. Be encouraged and I love you, but in
a way that we can all relate to! God Bless and keep up the good work!
Marie 8/26/01 My
husband and I are waiting for the Lord to lead us to our first pastorate.
We're both excited and a little bit nervous. I have had problems in 2 different
churches where there were women who either lied or made hateful comments about
my husband and whether or not we were called to the ministry. I am currently
not attending any church. We left our last church just a couple of weeks
ago. How can I go back and face a pastor's wife that has lied to me and how
do I face women that won't be honest, but seem to be bent on believing what
she says. She has destroyed my reputation. I am unsure of whether to go back
and tough it out or find another church. My husband says he's not sure what
we should do. I never confronted this lady. I was taught not to question
the pastor's wife.My heart is broken and I can't seem to find my way out
of this fog. I question myself constantly and wonder if I could have done
something differently. Has anyone else gone through this??????
faith 8/29/01
We are all called to the ministry. Plain and simple jesus said ," Go and
make fishers of men." You got to know who you are in Christ and wear the
mark of the pastor's wife or anyone else. You have given her authority to
say who you are and you need to take it back and give that authority to who
deserves it Jesus Christ. Show mercy to the pastors wife and do as she has
not done to you. God is the judge and He will convict her if she meant to
wrong you from her heart. You'll be better and stronger and better prepared
for the ministry God is calling you to. It's all a test of how your chracter
and attitude. What you choose to do out of obedience to Christ will determine
how soon you'll step through the open door only God can open.
copastor 8/28/01
WHY ......SO MUCH PAIN JESUS CAME FOR US TO HAVE AN ABUNDANT LIFE
I HATE THE DEVIL ... AND I DEMAND
HIM (IN JESUS NAME) LOOSE OUR FAMILIES
Kris 8/29/01 At
this moment, my husband and I are "away" from our church to get "perspective"
and seek some Godly counsel. My husband has been the youth pastor at
the church for 10 months. I need some advice/input on a few things....
The church as a whole is great, but we have faced a lot of pressure from the
Sr. pastor to change things about ourselves. I get called into his
office about every other week because a few of his "closer" members don't
think I smile enough or don't acknowledge them when they pass me in the hall,
etc... He had me take a temperment test and found out that I have a choleric
personality, so any thing that comes up... he tells me it's because I'm not
handling my temperment appropriately. I have read books and listened
to tapes at his request, as well as gone to a few people and apologized if
I offended them, although I have never meant to offend. When we were
interviewed for this position, my husband was very forthright that we were
a team, although he is the leader. This has always been succussful
for us at other churches. We were told that this is what they were
looking for. But once we have been here and my husband has involved
me in things, I am told that I'm too visible and need to take a "back seat".
These are just the criticisms against me. One week, my husband is told
he's too serious or prays too long, the next week, he's not deep enough.
We are at the point where we don't know how much criticism is healthy and
how much we are being asked to give up of our own personalities, giftings,
or identities.We're thinking, are we really so bad. It's hard when
all we hear from the pastor are negatives and little positive, although there
are teens and parents who let us know we are being effective and appreciated.
But he never addresses that. We don't see glaring faults, but we are
emotionally drained and confused. Do we just stay and press on, or
do we move on? Our concern is that we have only been here 10 months
and that we're just running. We sincerely desire to do what God has
called us to do. My husband is weary because we've had such a hard
road. One place we were at, the pastors wife was unfaithful and the
church fell apart. Place #2, the pastor "mooned" some teenagers and
had serious moral issues. And #3, the pastor left three months after we got
there and then when they hired a new senior, the church had no funds to keep
us on. Now this. We're wondering if we should just throw in the
towel for awhile and get a break. Has anyone been there? We're
to go back by Sunday and let the pastor know what we want to do. Thanks
for your input. It feels good to read the articles and know I'm not
alone.
EVA 8/29/01 MY HUSBAND
AND I PASTORED FOR 11 YEARS IN A DIFFERENT STATE THAN WHERE WE ARE LIVING
NOW. WE MOVED HERE OUT OF DISCOURAGEMENT. FOR 10 YEARS WE FELT WE WERE IN
THE DESERT BUT WERE REALLY IN A LEARNING HEALING PROCESS. HE FINALLY TOOK
ANOTHER CHURCH IN ANOTHER DENOMINATION BECAUSE WE FELT THAT WAS WHERE GOD
WANTS US. THE CHURCH IS SUCH A PRIME LOCATION FOR GROWTH AND OUTREACH. NOW
THE PEOPLE ARE SAYING THEY WANT IT TO BE LIKE IT USED TO BE. THEY DON'T LIKE
THE MUSIC OR THIS AND THAT. MY HUSBAND HAS ONLY IMPLEMENTED WHAT HE FELT
GOD LEADING HIM TO DO. NOW THEY DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT OR ANY
CHANGE. IT SIMPLY WILL NOT GO FORWARD LIKE IT IS. I HAVE HAD MEMBERS SAY
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS CHURCH HAS BEEN HERE FOR 30 YEARS AND WE JUST
WON'T GROW AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. WELL I UNDERSTAND IT. TO TOP IT ALL
OFF, OUR 14 YEAR OLD SON WAS JUST LISTED FOR A HEART TRANSPLANT. I FEEL LIKE
RIGHT NOW THAT IS ALL I CAN DEAL WITH.MY HUSBAND WILL NOT RUN FROM PROBLEMS
OR FROM SATAN REARING HIS UGLY HEAD BUT MY OPINION IS IF THESE PEOPLE ARE
NOT AND HAVE NOT BEEN WILLING TO CHANGE AND DO OUTREACH TO REACH OTHERS THEN
THE CHURCH IS NOT GOING TO GROW. MY SWEET HUSBAND HAS PREACHED HIS HEART
OUT THIS YEAR AND WE HAVE WORKED LIKE CRAZY TO SEE SOULS SAVED. WE HAVE ACTUALLY
STARTED SEEING SOME RESULTS BUT NOW THE PEOPLE WANT TO PUT A STOP TO IT.
I FEEL AS A MOTHER ALL I CAN DO RIGHT NOW IS CONCENTRATE ON OUR SON AND SPEND
TIME WITH HIM.MY HUSBAND SAYS HE IS NOT LEAVING UNTIL GOD SAYS TO LEAVE.NO
MATTER WHAT. I AM JUST TIRED AND WEARY AND A FRIEND WHO IS A PASTOR HAS OFFERED
A POSITION TO US AT HIS CHURCH THAT WOULD PROVIDE HOUSING. PLEASE PLEASE
PLEASE LADIES I IMPLORE YOU TO PRAY FOR GOD TO SHOW MY HUSBAND WHICH WAY
TO GO. I AGREE WITH HIM IN ONE SENSE. I DON;T WANT TO RUN FROM PROBLEMS AND
I DO WANT TO BE IN GODS WILL BUT HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH. I
KNOW IT IS NOT ABOUT ME BUT ISN'T IT EASY AS HUMANS TO GET CONSUMED WITH
US AND OUR LIVES. PLEASE PRAY AND I'LL TAKE ANY WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT.
Kinda 8/29/01 Hi,
I am new here. But tonight my heart is breaking. I am a missionary
pastor's wife and it is not possible for me to find another pastor here in
town. I guess I should start at the beginning. Twenty-two years
ago, I had a 3lb baby boy. He was our second child. Our first
had died before he/she was born. Back then, he didn't have much of
a chance to live. In fact, the doctor warned us not to name him a family
name as he would not be alive much longer. But, we prayed, giving him
back to God and begging God not to take this child home too. God answered
our prayers. But two months later, when we had him home, he quit breathing.
He nearly died again. Again we prayed that God would save his life
and this beautiful young man who is so very smart and talented grew up.
He had his problems with the law as a teenager and broke our hearts a few
times but over all, he was a child to be proud of. His senior year
in high school, he decided to donate blood for his senior class project.
About a month later, we received a notice in the mail that he had tested
positive for Hepatitis C. We didn't even know what that was.
After investigation, we found out that he recieved the virus through one
of the three transfusions he got two days after he was born. THose
transfusions helped to save his life. The good news was that the virus
had not yet attacked the liver and no one else in the family was infected.
The bad news was that he had already had it for 17 years. The prospects
back then were not very good. But our son took the news like a man.
He straightened out his life, went away to Bible college for a year, and
got engaged to a lovely young Christian lady who was willing to stand by
him. We had been told that some people get this virus and it never
attacks the liver. They can pass the virus along but it doesn't hurt
them. We prayed so hard and had faith that Matt might be one of these
peeple. After all, God had saved his life twice, why not a third time.
Surely God had a reason for Matt being alive. Our son is now 22 and
in his senior year of college. He has kept a B+ average while working
his way through college. He and his fiance are getting married next
summer. Yesterday he came back from a visit with his specialist. The
doctor had called to discuss Matt's biannual blood test. It seems that
the virus has now started to destroy the liver. It is time for Matt
to start some very powerful medicine that will only prolong his life.
Though they are working on a cure, that is several years down the lne line.
Matt is in for a very long and difficult year as these medicines will give
him a year long case of the flu and even then, may not knock the virus into
remission. Yet, he is still so brave. It wasn't until his car
broke down today that he lost it. I sat on the couch with this young
man that has already been through so much and just held his hand as he let
out his frustrations. All he wants, he says is to just be given one
break in life. We sued the blood bank that gave him the bad blood but,
because no medical person would go up against the community and say that
this tragedy could have been prevented if they had just taken the paid donor
blood off the market the year before Matt was born as they planned, Matt
probably would not have received this virus. All of this is so unfair
and I know life is unfair and I know that God uses these times to build character.
But, if you knew how very much tragedy this family has already suffered,
you would think that enough was enough. I know I can thank God for
the 22 years we have already had with Matt and I know we can thank God for
the years ahead. But this was so very unnecessary. I think I
now know what it must be like for a parent who has lost a child to a drunk
driver. Anyway, thank you for letting me vent. I know there is
not much you all can do. But do pray for our family. My second
son is having a very hard time with this as Matt and he are best friends.
My little girl that we adopted is having problems because she doesn't want
to loose yet another member of her family. My husband is working so
hard to get this church off the ground and we are just starting to make progress.
He has to work two jobs so that We will have insurance to cover the $3000
+ a month we will be putting out for the medicine Matt will have to inject
into his body. Now the wedding is up for grabs, not because his girl
wants out but because he might be sick from the medicine at that time.
Also, my husband and I had been saving up for our one and only big vacation
for years and it looks like this money will have to go for the medicine and
for Matt's college education as he won't be able to work while on the medicine.
I have a degenerative muscle disease and this vacation was the one thing
that kept me struggling to stay on my feet. I don't mind sacrificing
a silly vacation. But it is hard to give up on that goal. ANyway,
the rest of the family is coming home and I have to go. THanks for
listening. I will check back for your answers
EverHischild 10/16/01
Kenda, I hope I have your name right. I am very sorry to hear about your
son that is having problems with his liver. However I have a brother in law
who has the same thing and they put him on very powerful experiemental drugs.
I am pleased to report to you that he went thru with no problems at all and
is considered in remission. I am praying that the same thing will happen with
your son.
Phyllis 8/30/01
Hello I think this is a good site! I need help, I have a armour bearer
that I became extremelly close to and share some things, not to personal with
her. I didn't want to do that from the beginning because I had experienced
before people betraying me. Well, she hasn't betrayed me in the sense
of telling my business, but I have felt a coolness from her in the last few
months. YOu may say don't I have pastor wives friends. I am so
well known and alot of pastor wives come to me for counselling. I feel
if I let them know I'm human too, I will be looked down on. I don't
know what to do. I don't want to hurt my armour bearer, but its getting
harder for me to let her work close with me. HELP!
Cindy 8/30/01 I really
got a hoot from Jo's message about "not a normal pastor's wife". I
am 45. My husband quit his job 3 years ago and said God called him
to be a pastor. So I have been supporting us for the past 3 years.
He has one year of seminary left. We sold our home and am living off the profit.
I am presently staying home with the kids since we just moved from MN to
NC so that husband could finish the last year of seminary in the south.
I am presently grieving the loss of my home, friends, and familiar surroundings.
I feel resentment toward my husband and do not feel called to be a pastor's
wife. I appreciate Jo's message that she refuses to be what she is
not. I hope that I can begin to sense God's plan for me in this whole
scenario and that I overcome this depression and can accept my husband's
calling to full-time ministry. I appreciate this website. I was
feeling there was no one I could talk to about this.
Dawn 9/2/01 Hi,
I am new here. My husband and I will be taking our first Pastorate Oct.
1st. I just would like any suggestions and ideas from seasoned PW's.
Maybe some definate do's and don'ts. I especially would appreciate
any great ideas on how to get to know the ladies in our church and how to
develop a woman's ministries. It is a small church with about 60 families.
We are excited but at the same time I am insecure about all the responsibilities
I will be facing. I am a PK so I do know what I am getting into.
One problem I am facing at this point is there are a lot of woman that seem
to feel they are used prophetically of God and seem to be in the habit of
speaking a "Word" over different individuals. Even though I do believe
that God does speak to us today through the gifts of the Spirit, I am not
sure that these ladies are really hearing from God in all instances.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to not let them get out of hand without
discouraging them or getting them mad at me right off the bat. I am
not sure how any of you feel in regards to this subject, or what kind of
churchs you pastor, but I would appreciate any advice from those who
have experienced this.
Jesus Freak 9/5/01
I have to do a research paper on pastors wives. I am lost and do not know
how to go about it. can some of you give me insights on how the congregation
can help and what is it like to be married to a pastor. Would you do it again
if given the oppurtunity. what are the good points to it? please answer me
as soon as possible.
Geneva 9/5/01 I
am a pastor, minister, missionary wife (smile). I married the pastor
after he and his previous wife divorced. NO! I was not he cause and
God is my witness. Nevertheless, I knew both parties. Yes, all
hell broke out and past innocence interactions began to be redefined and
interpreted as sinful behavior. We have been married for over eight
years now and things are better, though not perfect. God has restored
many relationship and healed lots in wounds. There are others out there
who has married the pastor/minister where he/she was single, divorced or
widowed and he reaction from the congregation and Body of Christ has been
painful and/or judgemental. I am researching the question about the
ethical implication of a pastor developing a personal relationship with a
member of the congregation that is single. Also, am interested in hearing
from others who married the pastor. I am not looking for pity or those
who just want to deal in bitterness instead I want to offer some godly and
friendly nonjudgemental support and to receive some feedback on coping and
getting beyond the negative. I know my Redeemer lives and He lives
inside of me. Thanks
PASTORS WIFE 9/5/01
I HAVE BEEN A PASTORS WIFE FOR ABOUT 5YEARS MY HUSBAND LOST HIS FIRST
WIFE AND THE CHURCH DID NOT LIKE ME THE CHURCH IS ALMOST EMPTY. BUT WHAT
I DOD NOT UNDERSTAND IS THE PEOPLE WHY DID THE POEPLE LEAVE THESE WERE MY
FRIENDS OF MINE CAN YOU HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND
Jennifer 9/5/01
I'm responding to the messages about being a "normal" pastor's wife.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years, and we've been in full-time
ministry for 15 years. I don't think we have to "feel" any special way
to be a pastor's wife. I think we should just be a Godly Woman, serve the
Lord and be a support to our husband - NO MATTER WHAT HIS OCCUPATION.
I think the only difference is that we seem to have more opportunities to
reach out to others as a pastor's wife. Sometimes women have come to
me with situations which I quite honestly can't offer any advice or help.
I think we should be striving to be like the example of a Godly woman in
Proverbs 31. There are some expectations that may come our way because
of our position in the church, but you always have the right to say, "No",
if you are asked to do something that requires too much time from your family.
Also, my husband and I have a deal that before either of us commit to something
that will take time from our family, we answer the request with, "I'll have
to talk to my wife/husband and see what our schedules looks like. It
is much easier to say, "No", with your spouse's support. I love being
a pastor's wife, not because of the expectations, but because of the opportunities
if affords me!
Kay 9/7/01 Hello,
Ladies First I must say I am truly inspired by you all. I have a question.
I'm confused about what to do with my life. I'm engaged to marry a
pastor. The church is 95% of his life. When we first started dating I would
see him once a week. He calls me everyday. Is this normal? Do
pastors constantly work on, think about issues related to church... even
when their off work? Are they ever off work? Even when my fiance &
I talk on the phone an Elder or member may call. This pretty much ends
our conversation, because he becomes distant and focused on how to handle
or take of a new issue that has arised. I don't mean to complain.
I think the ministry is wonderful. I am glad to have a man in my life
that loves and serves God, but I'm a woman who wants to feel special and
loved by her man. His scheudule is constantly full of church related
events, so we never go anywhere. I guess if I marry him this will be
my life. I NEED ATTENTION!!! God bless each of you. How
do you do it?
moli 9/29/01
There must be a balance in any minister's life, family first then church.
But that is something that he will have to realize and apply in his life.
Many ministers marry the church, and that is not healthy, if i may speak
from experience, i have been married now for three years to Pastor.
in the beginning he went on as if i wasnt there, it took a lot of crying
before God on my side, for Him to open my hubbies eyes, and see that your
wife comes first. And i must say that i really prayed a lot, and today, we
do not spend much time apart, we are actually inseparable, and he always
consults me before doing things, and when it does not include me, he still
makes me feel part of it. But like i said, did not come automatically- i
soon realized that asking him will have not effect, so i went to his boss
- GOD himself, who through the Holy Spirit ministered to Him, one thing i
have to say a PW is a praying wife - a praying life - a praying everything
all the time.
GS 11/10/01
I would like to respond to the letter written by Kay (9/7/01) I have just
found this website and I hope I am not too late. Kay SSTTOOPP!!!!!!!
First have you prayed to GOD and know what your ministry is? Oh yes,
girlfriend, being a Pastor's Wife is a ministry, and you definetly have to
be called to do it. Honey if 95% of his life is church, that only leaves 5%
for you. And I am sure all the other PW's will agree when I say "Things
are not going to change". Second, have you two been going to pre-marital
counseling or really being honest in your discussion of your feelings and
expectations? Have you told him how much attention you need/want? Reading
between the lines of your letter, it seems to me that being married to a
pastor would be the least of your problems. I see selfiousness on both
your parts. Oh, I am sorry, I forgot to tell you that I have been married
for 7 1/2 years and a Pastor's Wife for the past 4. So I speake from
experience. If we had gone through more extensive counseling, I would
not have gotten married. With all that said, I just say to you, make
sure that you are hearing from GOD.
amp/2497 9/7/01
I am a 24 year old pastors wife with 3 small children all under the age of
4. I work a full time job as a child support enforcement case manager/investagator.
I also have have 2 step daughters with differant mothers and a very over envolved
in law family that are all apart of our church. My husband is a very out
going person that every one likes and now one believes that he could do no
wrong including his self. We have been through so much over the few years
that we have been married, I really feel like i no longer love him
and have a lot of regret for marrying him, which wares on our sex life because
It discuse me at time for him to even touch me and I never kiss him. Over
the years He has allowed his daugher mother to disrepect me like saying things
like "you have nothing to to do with me and him when it comes down to our
child" and hung the phone in my face, when she called and told him, he took
her side and told me to never to answer his buss. line anymore and she would
call there instead of the house line. Another mother of the other daughter
decided recently that she could not take care of the child and he needed
to come and get her, so she moved in, after about three weeks, i asked her
sternly to take her feet of the wall and he said that I was being mean, but
she is 6 years old, soon to be seven and knows better So then later on that
week i found out from his sister when she asked for a skirt that belong to
the child, I said well you won't needed now, she be home tonight right, she
replied ha ha ha "I have all of her clothes, she is staying with me now,
when I was only told that she was staying the night for 2 days over his sisters
home, I was so hurt over that and the fact that he was right there making
me look like a fool. I also have his church adminstrator whom is able to
say whate ever and intiate whatever in the church, if you were visting you
would feel like she was the first lady. Because so many things have happened
in his family concerning me, they spread it to other church members,
so I have no respect in the church at all, i am constantly in the line of
fire. My husband went to speak at another church and my toddler was being
disruptive and so I took him out, I was very frustrated and embarressed I
went and sat outside and with him, latter that week, the pastor of that church
called my sister n law and told her to tell my husband that he should talk
to me about displaying things when they are wrong , instead of calling him,
he said that it make his minstry look bad. i could go on on and on, but to
make a long story short, I feel the need to hate him and I know that it is
not right, i also use to minister, but i have steped down becuase my words
have been hendered so much in the church, no one listens to me anyway. I
don't even like to go, but i go because it is a chore and duty to do because
i am his wife, but when he ministers, i feel hatred. he is so good at meeting
everyone else's need, except for mine, all he ever wants from me is to take
care of the kids, stay home while he goes to events, and make love to him
which there is no love, i just let him get on top and do his thing.... i
really don't have a need for him, except for the fact that my 3 boys need
their father, and i don't want to cause a bigger blemish on the church and
I know that divorce is not the answer, but all he is stress and everything
attached to him. When 5:00 comes and it is time for him to pick me up, I
really get depressed, When it is time for Church, I really have become and
expert at hiding my torment and can act the Pastors wife act. Sometimes I
even have to introduce him, i find my self having all the wrong things going
through my mind while all the right things come out of my mouth, He also
is a prophet, i watch him minster to people after people prayer line after
prayer line, and god never does anything for me, i feel i have gotton the
wrong end of the stick. I am responsible for always submitting to him with
repect anf honor and i get nothing in return, not even happy mothers day.
The church has apprection services for just him. I hate it, could some
please help me, why is god not doing anything for me. I don't want to hate
him, but i find it hard. please, please help i have no one else that i can
talk to.
jo 9/22/01 oh
girl my heart is heavy for you and I am praying that some female will come
out of the woodwork of your town and be a true friend in Christ and in the
needs you have. And that your husband will see that you are his number
one.
Judy 43 9/8/01
We moved to a new area with my husband taking another call. I left
behind a full time job and became a fulltime at home mom for the first time
in a Long time. I knew it would be a huge adjustment just had little
idea how ? difficult the path. Being a pastor's wife is difficult
enough but the moving every 5 years or so seems the most trying of all for
me. At our last location I was in a job where I was heavily involved
with all types of community work/referrals, social service agencies, etc.
The adjustment of being a in new area and basically knowing no one except
church people and being home with kids, helping them adjust to a new area,
etc. It is a lot. I think we're all doing pretty well considering
just I seem unable to rise out of this Lost sense of no direction, just out
here for my children and husband with no real direction at 43 years old.
Is a strange feeling. I tried the counseling thing which is wonderful
but expensive - I am thinking of simply volunteering at a social service
agency to get out of myself for awhile. I interviewed 3 times since
we've moved and each time was called back for the 2nd interview but then
that was it. Funny I thought I was something else at my last job and
now being here in a new place over 1 year already - is somewhat hilarious
how I assumed with my wonderful resume and glowing references I'd have no
problem just getting back in. I'm trying to be calm and recognize that
perhaps God wants me to recognize that He Is in control after all and that
maybe working ft with little children and all that entails is more than I
need. The only definite in life is change - as much as I don't like that
at times..I guess Jesus is the other constant that I and all of us need to
remember. Being a pastor's wife I tend to be great at distant friendships
with no real close friends. After 11 years in this I find I don't even
expect to have close friendships with church people. Healthy or not
I don't know, is just the way that feels appropriate to me. I say a
prayer for all of us. God knows marriage is work in itself and ministry/pwife
brings another ? let's say major dimension to the equation. Enough
said.
Amy 9/10/01 What
a nice site. I'm a PK so I know the life and I've been a PW now for
6 years. I'm so glad to have found you, because, although I usually
do fine, we are going through a tough time right now and while I am normally
outgoing in my work, I have been home with my kiddos (they are miraculous
little gifts) for the past 5 years. I don't seem to get out much, although
I at least have some work that I do out of my home, but for all these years
and my experiences as a PK, I am an isolated wife. I know that these
hurts and frustrations are merely tests of my faith, or a necessary witness
to others, yet there is quite a lot of pain. Undefined pain, really,
merely in the harsh statements, or sly inuendos of the women of the church.
I know the Lord wants me to turn my cheek and for Jesus' sake, I am happy
to do that, it's just a shame that the devil is so active in the church.
Thanks for listening. I have been aware of the challenges of PW since
my mom dealt with difficult ministries, despite her loving ways. Blessings,
sisters.
Faith 9/11/01 I
am just wondering how the world is doing today with all news breaking terrorist
attack. Would anyone like to respond? Especially if your one ine any of the
areas that were attcked I'd like to hear from you. May God show His great
mercy to us all. None of us deserve it and we are equall in His eyes. Let
none of our hearts be troubled or hardened by these events, let us love our
enemies pray for those who persecute us in Jesus name for if we desire revenge,
or war, then we are just like those hardened hearts who killed so many this
morning. Those men need God's correction, salvation and redirection to righteousness.
May God give the president Godly wisdom and turn this evil into good for
everyone and bring God the glory in Jesus name.
SDW MW 2B 9/12/01
I will become a minister's wife in the near future and have no guidance on
actually being a minister's wife. I really do not know where to
begin, although I have had a little experience in the almost 4 years that
my guy has been a minister. I feel alone as nobody in my family
or friends are even involved in church. I do have one friend and co-worker
that is a pastor's wife and she helps me. In reading over some
of the comments, I have already gone through some of the things that you
ladies have discussed, but you have so many years and experience in doing
this. Can someone please email and maybe become like a support
buddy to me that may be in a similar situation or that just feels that they
can help me and guide me in the things that I need to do to be successful
in my role. I am 31 years old and feel like I will be the world's worst
minister's wife. Please help!
jo 9/22/01 the
greatest advice I can give is be your self no one else. and do not let
any one put you in the pastor wife box. It is lonley in there.
the next is that you and your to be need to pray every night together because
a coulple that prays together stays together. and life gets real busy
for your husband make sure he puts you in his daytimer where it is your turn
to connect and nothing but death should stop that time. get away from
phones and computers and talk at least once a week. and when you talk
keep the work out of it. be a good listener and his best friend.
and always never forget to pray for him. being a wife takes time
and the first year is usually the hardest but you will do well if you both
keep God as your first love. and that does not mean work that means
relationship together with God as your first love.
SDW MW 2B 9/25/01
Thank you so much for your response. I liked your advice
about just being myself. There have already been people that
have tried to change me into some kind of "minister's wife mold" but I can
only be who I am. I also liked your advice about praying and praying
together. There is so much pressure in being the wife of a minister/pastor.
It is not something that I ever thought of doing, and even now it is not something
that I would have chosen for myself but I am just accepting that this is
what was in God's plan for me. There is so much pressure and
so many things that you have to just "accept", added to the stress of everyday
life and then the stress of becoming a wife for the first time. It
does get overwhelming at times but I just pray about it and ask God to give
me the strength and the wisdom to do a job that is pleasing to Him and at
the same time try and keep a positive image for others. But it makes
me feel good that I was able to find this site and communicate with people
that are going through the same things that I am going through. I still
welcome advice from all of you "seasoned" PW/MW's out there on how you cope
and deal with certain situations.
pastor's wife 2 9/14/01
i am writing to respond to Geneva,the jesus freak, and the pastor's wife.
i hope i am able to address at least some of the questions asked by all three
of you. I hadn't been a member of this particular church too long before
i met the pastor who i thought was married. as it turns out he had recently
divorced someone he had been married to for 16 years. to make a very long
story short, i met the pastor, we started seeing each other, and shortly
thereafter we were married. before we married the congregation knew of his
intention to marry me. a lot of people made it very clear that they didnt
approve. a lot of people even left the church. you wouldnt believe how many
rumors were floating around about me. i learned not to take it personally.
i didn't understand why they were leaving either. time tells all. you have
to take note of the people that leave the church. after observing, i realized
that the majority of those who left were single women. the others were
those who werent seeking to have a relationship with god, but instead had
made the pastor their god. in turn those people were very critical of everything
he did. i believe the struggles faced by pastor's wives who are marrying
a pastor previously married, are much different than those who are first
married and then are called into the ministry. there are things that we have
to go through that will not be faced by others, especially if there are kids
involved. but it can work. know that in order for you to be fulfilled
in your marriage, that you must develop your relationship with God. it is
only through him that you can remain strengthened. you must know your purpose
in ministry. knowing and understanding your purpose will allow you to remain
focused and dependent on pleasing God, not people. don't allow your husband
to become your god. sometimes we can get so caught up in trying to please
and do right by our husbands that we neglect ourselves spiritually, physically,
and mentally. the bible says, our god is a jealous god. that doesnt exclude
you just because you are married to a pastor. both have to be committed
to making the marriage work. from this commitment stems support. you're husband
must support you. at the start you won't really be considered the "first
lady", you are the other woman. for this reason the congregation must see
that your husband both supports and respects you, that he's "got your back."
there are lots of things that we will notice concerning the congregation that
he may not see. there's a lot that we bare that our husbands haven't a clue
about. our emotions seem like they're on a rollocoaster. you cannot bear
it alone and don't look to your husband for that which only god can give
- a peace of mind and a fulfilled soul. when you pray and state that you
will leave it in god's hands, do just that. dont try to take it back because
you've got a better solution to the problem or you dont like the way he's
handling it. the woman is the most caring, compassionate, intelligent, and
passionate person on the face of the earth. we are used to "fixing", "taking
care of", and "working out" situations. step down(just a bit), let god take
control, and watch him work! i have to go for now, but will respond
on what it's like being a pastor's wife and the good points later. GOD BLESS!
mixedemotions 9/26/01
I read your response to the other ladies and was somewhat comforted by
your words. In fact i sent in a request, a plea for help today myself and
I am waiting for it to posted to receive some responses. But reading your
comments kindda sustained me. I want so much for my husband to talk to me,
put me up on his list and support me. amp/2497 - I feel ya! It is good to
have a place to vent. ICould I be expecting something from him that he can't
give? Am I wrong to want him to spend time with me and the kids? He tells
me all the time that he works three jobs- He is an AP in the school system,
a Pastor, and I don't know what his other job is but if that the case I have
5 jobs-A mother, a teacher, a homemaker, a student, and a Pastor's wife.
I don't know maybe what I'm presently going through will be over soon.
jodi 9/23/01 hi
there, I have a question here. Well, actually a situation and I am not
really how to respond. I know how I want to respond but if that is
the right way I am not sure. My husband just and I just moved and started
a new church and the people are thrilled to have a minster, they had been
looking for over a year and are grateful that they have found someone.
We are too at the same time since we too had been looking for over a year.
They are very warm and welcoming. My husband has been in the minstry
for 12 yrs but we have only been married for 2 yrs and so I have no real
experience in being a pastor's wife but I have always been active in my own
church so I feel rather comfortable here. The problem is after we accepted
the church we were informed of many problems within. Years ago
there was a split that still has a few hurts within the church. There
are also a few that seem to want things for the church that the whole doesn't.
They seem to be very vocal and at times seem to be, for lack of a better
word, scheming to get their way. My husband sees this and is trying
ti be patient with them and giving to them to a point, allowing all to have
what they need to be fed. It is really hard to just sit back and not
spill out all my thoughts in why they are wrong and how they should see this
situation properly. (just a thought) I mean I know (trust me)
I don't have all the answers but I do kinda feel that as the one seeing the
whole and not individual parts I have a unbias perspective. I just sit and
listen to my husband and give him advice and he vents to me and that seems
to allow me to feel that I am helping I just wonder should I do what I am
doing or get more involved. I don't kow exacly how i would do without
looking like I am taking sides but I just don't want to sit on the sidelines
if there was something I could do. And well, I was just wondering if
that all made enough sense to anyone to give some advice. Thanks!!!
WILDTHING 9/23/01
Sunshine - Thank you for your posting - I searched every page on this website
and found you! I too am struggling with sex, and feel SO alone.
I know it is a normal marriage thing, but I feel that it is amplified in this
situation. My husband has 500 women in the parish who have their adoring
eyes on him each Sunday and many of them would be more than willing to meet
his needs. I am a 34 year old with 3 young children - I am tired all
the time, entertain parishoners as much as possible, put on my happiest smile
at church and church events, my house is clean and children are happy, and
he complains that he is not happy with our sex life. I have sex with
him, but he has this "ideal" of what it should look like. I am barely
coherent at night with exaustion. A trip alone for a WEEK was cancelled
because of the terrorist attacks - it was my only hope of great uninterrupted
intimacy and I am more discouraged than ever. He was willing to see
a counsellor with me, but now he thinks he can handle it. Now I know
I just can't measure up and I feel so discouraged. Sex is not a priority
for me, but I know he needs it...I can relate... any one else with answers?
Please don't tell me to just submit...I do that and he just wants more intimacy
and what I give him just isn't sexy enough. He is a great man and I
love him - this better be an anonymous web site!
klo 9/23/01 I cannot
for the life of me understand how anyone would WANT to be a pastor's wife.
I have been one for 25 years. He wasn't a pastor when I married him. Otherwise
I wouldn't have married him. I do not sing in the choir, play the organ,
teach Sunday school or dress anything like "THEY" would have me do. My children
have grown up--thank God they are out of here. Actually my 22 year old daughter
is trying like crazy to get out of this stinking town. He has been pastor
here for 18 years. THEY have tormented my children so bad that my daughter
actually ended up in a psyche ward for a few days. If I had my life to live
over, I would have swallowed a gun when I turned 16.
sisdonna 9/26/01
I feel for you. I know how heartless a congregation of so called
"Christians" could be. Being a Pastor's wife is DEFINITELY not a walk
that I would choose. The difference is that we were "chosen" to this most
honored position. My children are teenagers now and have already sworn that
they would never marry a person in minstry because of all they have seen
my husband and I go through in 25 years of ministry. I have been accused
of committing adultery, of being a lesbian and every other kind of atrocity
you could imagine. I too have shared this ministry with my husband for over
22 years. It hasn't been an easy walk, but take heart my sister - there
is a crown in glory waiting for you as well as a place on the Father's throne
- Rev. 3:21 If there's anything that I have learned from the World Trade
Center attacks of which I am directly reminded of each day because I pass
Ground Zero daily - is that this life is very short and we must make every
opportunity to share Christ with whomever will listen. Seeing and smelling
death all around me is an awful thing. When you say you'd rather have
swallowed a gun, I hope that you don't really mean that. Death is FINAL...No
turning back... No second chances. Young CEO's and exectutives (not
much older than 16) are DEAD now! Or disintigrated from the flames.
Would you really have chosen death rather than the position beside your husband?
I hope that you will reconsider those words. And I hope that I am not discouraging
you all the more, but I feel for the sake of the new women called into this
position, there needs to be an opposite response to your letter so they don't
give up before they even get started in ministry. We need strong women
to uphold our new Pastors in this awful world. You have been bestowed a GREAT
honor and you WILL be blessed for your sacrifices. Hang in there and your
dear family will be added to my personal prayer list.
moli 9/29/01
my dear i understand your frustration, but you are not unique and nether
are your problems, be careful that a root of bitterness does not spring up
and defile many. God is good and He is alive, and i dont care what we as PW
have to go through in order to fulfill this calling - GOD IS WITH US - HALLELUJAH
mixedemotions 9/26/01
I am so glad that this site is available. I hope this will be posted
soon and that someone will please respond and help me!!! I have been a pastor's
wife for about 6 years. my husband was already pastoring there when he married
me. (that's another whole set of issues) But during the time I have been
his wife. I have given my full support and been the perfect, submissive supportive
wife. I have expected some honor or emotional from my husband but I don't
get it. I have tried to talk to him about my needs several times over the
years. He either get offended or makes light of the situation and does nothing.
I try to tell him that there are times when I need his support, his reassurance
and just to feel him near. But he tells me I'm emotional or he will say things
to other people later like "I know what my wife needs but sometimes I just
don't want to give it to her because I am stubborn." He even tells me at
times that I tell him all these things because I want to control him and
he is not going to be controlled by a women. I am presently at my wits end.
I have two small children, I work full time, and I am presently working on
my Master's Degree. I attend all services, I try to conduct myself according
to Proverbs 31-Virtuous Woman. But I'M TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm tired
of being last on the list, I'm tired of not being emotionally satisfied.
(although when we are around people he acts as though I am important and
he actually has a conversation with me but at home we hardly say 5 words
to each other, then when we get in bed he wants to have sex but I don't want
it then.) I quess what hurts the most is I sit in numerous counseling sessions
with other husband and wives and hear all the wonderful, godly counsel he
gives them and my heart breaks because I wonder why can't he treat me like
that-why won't he love me like Christ loves the church. And the other thing
is if anytime anyone needs him from the congregation he is there. He is always
so accomodating and so thoughtful to others and his 'friends'. I have prayed,
I've read the book the Power of a Praying Wife,I have tried to talk him but
I'm soooooo tired. Right now I'm struggling because I want to please God
with all my heart...but I want the hurt to go away. I wish I could just seperate
myself from him emotionally. I always said I never wanted to be in a marriage
where I just went through the motions. I feel numb, helpless, confused, angry,
frustrated. Please somebody help me!!! I don't want the enemy to have
any victory.
pastor's wife 2 9/28/01
dear heart, i commend you on your great strength and perseverence. the
feelings you have are soooo familiar to me. our situations seem almost identical.
i am also working a full time job and working on my master's degree. he has
three kids (who lived with us) and i have one. and he always wants homecooked
meals on a daily basis. and then expects me to attend church two or three
times a week. i too delt with the fact that he was always there for everyone
else and not me. and i never understood how he could counsel so many families
and neglect the one he had at home. especially with as much as i was giving.
and the sex, get out of here! i've always had a high sex drive, but he who
wasn't responding to my needs. it literally begins to wear you out. like
yourself, i never wanted to go through the motions of marriage. but this
is what i discovered about my husband. although he had been previously married
for 16 years, their relationship had long since deminished. they were actually
just two people cohabitating in the same house. he sought comfort in the
church. so his members were used to have easy access to their pastor. it
became habit for him to be there and tend to the needs of others even though
things weren't right at home. this made things a hard for us. just as you
did, i would always talk to him about taking care of home first. i would
have to constantly remind hime that he was married and his family should
be considered in decisions that he made. i always felt last on his priority
list. it was excrutiatingly hurtful. it didnt take long for me to become
very tired (emotionally, physically, and sspiritually). there's no feeling
like it. and i'm willing to bet that my husband is twice as stubborn as yours.
i discovered that no matter how much i ranted and raved on, until he was ready
to move, there was no moving him. so i say to you first, dont frustrate yourself
any more by trying to talk to him. stay in the word and confide in god about
it. there's no punishment like the one god can give. he knows how to get
through to a man, like no one else can. dont allow bitterness to build up.
because then you start treating him like he's treating you and nothing is
accomplished. love him through the mess. books are a good source of inspiration
and motivation, but seek strength from god. if he's a man of god, he knows
that he's neglecting you and he will be convicted one way or another. take
care of yourself. when the woman falls, nothing in the home works as it should.
take long walks, hot baths, long drives. even a weekend getway....you would
be surprised what it can do. spend time building yourself up. there must
be balance in your life. dont let life run you. take control of your life.
you only get to live it once. trying to be superwoman wont last. something
has to give. it was a very hard conversation to have with my husband because
i knew that he expected so much, but i told him those exact words. did he
take it well? not hardly. i told him he couldnt compare me to anyone else
in the church because no one was doing everything that i was. my classes
are in the evenings. on those days i dont cook. there are certain days during
the week that i clean up. and i no longer try to attend everything at the
church. although the man is the head, the woman is the backbone. when satan
can overcome you, he's got the home. but the bibe says, we're more than conquerors.
god doesnt put any more on us than we can bare. know that everything you
go through, you dont go through just for you. your life is testimony for
someone else. put your faith in god and live each day knowing that trouble
don't last always.......it's very apparent that you're a strong woman. i
pray for your continued strength. take care.
littlelamb 9/26/01
Praise the Lord! My question is can you help? I reacently feel
that I maybe WE don't have enough time in the day to do all that has
to be done for the church. I work outside of my home, my husband is
recently looking for a job to help out. He doesn't get paid for being
a Pastor which is ok with us, but even him not working right now, I still
feel that I don't do as much as I should in the church. I plan one thing
(to visit a sister or take her a gift) but hardly get to fulfill my desire
and feel there is not enough time in the day to do what I should do.
Please help.
Gale 9/26/01 I am
a PW and I am currently doing my BRE. I have a 20 - 30 page paper to
do and my topic is "What are the struggles the Pastor's family face and how
do they overcome them". I have to prepare a survey and also do some
interviews. I am wondering if any of you wives would be interested in
participating. When the paper is completed I will be emailing or mailing
a copy to every participant. No names will be mentioned. If you
are interested please email me asap. Thank you and God bless.
Our role is very important in the ministry. Let's continue to prayer
for each other.
Sharon 9/27/01
As many of you, I also am so glad I found this website. It's so nice
to know that I can talk to others that understand. I am a PK and am
now a PW. My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years.
We have a great relationship but I have recently run into a hardship.
We just moved to this location 4 months ago and have been at our new church
for 3 months. I am having a hard time adjusting to this new place.
The people are nice but there really aren't many people my age that I can
become friends with. What makes it worse, at our last church there were
a lot of people our age and I had many friends with whom I could talk to,
go to lunch with, share in their joys and sorrows and I knew they would do
the same for me. Now, I don't have anyone to talk to and I have become
somewhat melancholy and every time someone thinks there is something wrong
with me they ask my husband about me instead of asking me about me.
How am I supposed to make friends if the people won't even bother to talk
to me? To throw in another kink in the chain, my melancholiness has
made me less attractive to my husband and my sex life is not fulfilling.
I have a high sex drive whereas my husband does not. It's difficult
enough to have sex on a regular basis and now this. My husband really
brought this to my attention last night and I'm glad he did. I was beginning
to think he didn't want me at all. Now I know that I need to change
my attitude. How can I do that when I don't feel accepted and wanted?
wildthing 9/28/01
Sharon, I recognize your struggle with finding and developing meaningful
relationships as a PW. I am a young woman too, and my husband is serving
in a parish of mostly older families and senior citizens. I have found
wonderful fellowship OUTSIDE the parish and great friendships with women
who are not involved in our church. My husband is NOT their priest,
therefore, I am more able to be myself around them. I have involved
myself in other ministries outside of the church, along with ministries inside
of the church. I attend a bible study with women my age at another
church - it is great, and some of them do not even know what my husband does
for a living! The pressure is off,and I can just be a part of the group
- as "normal" as possible! It takes work to establish these relationships,
but I have found them more fufilling than any relationship with a parishoner.
Have fun! Email me if you'd like!
Marie 9/28/01 Faith,
thanks so much for the words of wisdom. I have been homeschooling my 3 kids
and haven't had a chance to write back. We are still receiving the weekly
newsletter to the church I mentioned and the pastor's wife continues to spread
lies and rumors about me. Even to the point where women in the congregation
are starting to notice her vindictiveness. We aren't attending, but have
had
friends there inform us of what
she's been saying. I guess they finally saw the light! Praise the Lord!!!
My question is this: How do you keep the smile on your face or not get upset
when people abuse you and are out and out hateful???? For the life of me,
I cannot wear a poker face and I am wondering how you can remain polite and
face these people after they've been so hateful!! I honestly don't get it!
I am trying to understand, but would appreciate help from someone... anyone????
I am sick over all of this and wonder how to deal with confrontation in the
group! I am good at running away! Fight or flight syndrom. I know the Lord
wants me to simply stand and not back down, but I am scared! How do you stand
up to people and still remain sweet and "Christian"???
moli 9/29/01 I know
the joys and the sorrows of being a PW, but i would like all of us to look
at all things in the light of God and His Word. He never promised any human
being a bed of roses, on the contrary, he said that we as christians are
called to a life of suffering. Jonh 6:33 BUT he said that IN HIM, we will
have peace. The peace that is not dependant on husband. congragation, the
children, friends etc.. We as PW see all the negative side of this
life, but have you ever thought how the doctors wife may feel? lonely nights
and days, he is always on call, etc. and think of other professions as well
everything as is pros and cons.
I just think that we must try as much as possible to handle things in the
Lord, and look outside of ourselves instead of focusing on all the negatives.
YES problems there are many, but my father, God's Word says that He is far
greater than any litle problem, that may look so big to overcome. 1 Jonh
4:4 says that greater is He that IS in you, than he that is in the
world (trying by all means to destroy your life).
copastor 9/29/01
Hello Ladies !!!!!! I am doing just fine now.... I have a New struggle It's
with my teens, they are very rebllious Pastor Is away from the home so much
and when he's here, he feels I am to strict on the teens. They all attend
church . It feels Like I am a Single Parent because dad is busy being a Friend
to them. HOWEVER-----I Am still Standing On God's Word NO MATTER!!!!
Sharon 10/1/01
I admire you for standing your ground with your teens. Keep up the good
work. I am not a parent yet but I work with teens in a disciplined field
and I can tell you that they need boundaries. If all they have are
friends instead of parents they will not have the respect for you as they
should. It may not seem like it, but your teens will respect you (and
probably already do) for sticking to your ground. You may not know
about it for years to come but you can rely on God's word; train up a child
in the way of Lord and when he is older he will not depart from it (paraphrased).
As for Pastor, you need to sit down with him and discuss this. My husband
and I have already been discussing what we will do or not do when we do have
children. You must have a plan, one that both of you can agree on.
First, pray about it together. Ask that God would show you how to handle
your children together and ask for a clear plan. Then, right that plan
down and when you agree that it is finished share it with your children.
Kids are far more likely to follow someone or something when they understand
why it is there and not just because they hear "because I said so".
Be sure they understand that you are doing this because you love them and
for their protection. After you have shared with your teens give them
a chance to discuss it with you. They might have some really good ideas
of how you can help them and in return they will probably come up with ways
that they can help you. Don't underestimate your teens, just give them
a chance to develop and grow up. Not all at once, but little by little.
You'll find that they will respect you more and are more willing to listen
to you when you listen to them. Above all, bathe everything in prayer,
your husband, your children and you. As I said, I'm not a parent yet,
but I had wonderful parents for role models and this worked with my sisters
and me. I will be praying for you.
littlelamb 10/1/01
Praise The Lord!! Sisters I have a problem have been dealing
with for a year!.Our church recently went through a division, our expastor
for 8year decided to leave our church, the main reason was cus his teen
17yearold married son living with him (also a musician at the church) decided
to moon two of our young ladies from the church, The Dad of the girls
also Minister brought it to the pastors attention.The pastor left the
church saying the lord was calling him to pastor at another church 30 miles
away. never told the church, he just simply stopped going, The
other minsters called up a meeting with him.His excuse was that the church
was always pounding on his family,(why cus he would not live what he would
preach.) any way he left the church said lies about the congregation
and took about 4 families with him, Being from a very small town we
had build our old little church on one of the members acres out of the country,
we then bought the next acre to build a bigger curch which is in construction
at the momment.The main problem is that he got that one member on his side
and took the old little church from us and started having his church services
there. we continued to work on the new building, but it is very
hard to invite unbelievers to Christ when there is two churchs the same denomination
only about 75 feet away. I pray for our old pastor but feel so hurt
when I see him. I know that I shouldn't feel that way now that the
congregation has selected my husband as their pastor, gong on one year on
Oct 8,01. Please pray for me, I asked the Lord, to help me forgive
our old pastor but its really hard when he is giving us (The Lord) a bad
name. the people say why is there two church's right next to each other
and believe the same, why cant you all worship God together? Many souls
are being lost because of this type of testimony. Pray that the Lord
give me the the strenght and the knowledge of how to react every time I see.
I am very hurt, we had moved out of town before this happened and he
pleaded with us to come back and help him with the Youth, then he turns around
and leaves us. I dont understand why he wanted us back just to leave
us. Lord Forgive me I know that I should forgive 70x7!! Any advice
I could use some.
Melissa 10/1/01
I was shocked to plug in "pastors' wives" in the search box and find so many
sites! Fantastic that you have created such a wonderful and available
support system. I am currently dating a youth pastor and the possibility exists
that I may one day be a youth pastors' wife. Any knowledge you can
share about expectations, sacrifices, rewards and daily struggles would be
greatly appreciated. I'm not looking so much for expectations from
the pastors side but more from a congregational view.
Teresa 10/4/01
I was surfing the web and stumbled onto your site. I am a pastor's wife, but
do not feel I have encountered real hardships because of it because my husband
is not the senior pastor of the church. I do know that one day he may
be and that my quiet little world may change drastically.
heartbroken 10/9/01
My husband says he has been called to the ministry, and we currently
are the pastoral family at a small church, where he has been given a generous
salary and our living expenses are paid for. However, my husband has
always suffered with follow through problems. He is not happy in his
job, finds things to keep him busy, but does not meet many of his responsabilities.
We have always had problems with him finding so much to keep him busy that
the children and I rarely see him, and I am not refering to his pastoral duties-second
job, classes, hobbies,etc. and now he wants to go back to college full time.
I truely feel that it is not the correct decision, both because it would
take him away still more from our 9 and 11 year olds, and because if he considers
himself too busy for us and for parts of his training and work now, how can
it possiably be the answer to move half way across the county, leave our
family and friends, both have to work full time just to make ends meet, in
order for him to start another time in a process of training that he has
failed time and time again to follow through with. I feel so trapped
by his "God tells me what to do, It's not about you." attitude. I want
more than anything to follow God's will, and yet I feel that God has given
me the wisdom and lack of peace to see that this is not what to do. He has
already failed to be father to his own children, how much more will this
be true if he is working and going to school full time - again. I need
prayers, I need wisdom, I need help!
wildthing 10/17/01
Your husband has to get his PRIORITIES straight, and he needs someone
else to tell him this besides you (obviously he is not listening to your
counsel right now for whatever reason.) Find men - Godly men who you
know he respects who ARE NOT IN YOUR CHURCH to talk with him - confront him.
Maybe men of another denomination or other pastors. Have the "I'm Third"
Motto: God First, FAMILY and others second, and I'm third.
Just His 10/9/01
Would someone please pray for my husband and I? He is thinking of starting
a storefront ministry and is concerned that other pastors in our area will
think he is proselyting. We prayed
and felt the Lord leading us
into this. My husband and I have encountered several people that are not
happy in their current churches and we've encouraged them to seek the Lord.
We felt that the lives we touched would be ex-drug addicts, ex-alcoholics
and the "down and outers"! We have been called crazy and told we were "going
too far". Strange, I thought Jesus ministered to the same type of people.
How can we not offend these other pastors??? We don't have any desire to "steal
sheep", we just want to help the people that are out there hurting. Could
anyone give us some advice??? Thank you. Just His.
sisdonna 10/17/01
Dear sister, praise God that you are being led to minister to the "down
and outters". Have you thought that maybe you should link arms with
organizations that deal with people who are having problems in the area of
alcohol and drugs? Teen Challenge is one such organization that is
always looking for help. Sometimes it's difficult to start a ministry
such as this by yourself. Better to get experience and know how from
a ministry that has a great success rate and then if the Lord leads, you'll
be prepared to move out on your own in the future. Just a thought!
Here are a few #'s to help you depending on where you are located in the
U.S. - Ohio: 513 - 248 - 0452 PA: 215 - 848 - 9495 Brooklyn,
NY: 718 - 789 - 1414 W VA: 304 - 547 - 9280
Best Wishes to You!
moli 10/28/01
I agree totaly with sisdona, and by the way Teen Challenge is a wonderful
ministry. We also work with " down and out" people for 10 years already,
and we use some of the programs of Teen challenge. they are great. It is a
difficult type of ministry and i agree that you should get some experience
first. i hope it works out for you.
jo 10/10/01 Ok today
I am tired and crabby. and my poor dear husband can do nothing right.
The hardest thing for me as a pastors wife is that I know all the ins and
outs of people and just need to grin and nod when I am told things.
people people people there are times that i think the world would be a much
better place with out people. Thank the Lord that He taught me from
a young age how to observe and keep my best poker face and say not a word.
I look back at my life and think everything that I went through and learned
was to put me in this place now. My choice No. Gods choice yes and
well He never promised me a easy life when I trusted in Him with my life
and soul. In school today I taught about columbus and how he wanted
to get to china soo he went west to get to the east and after 4 tries he
was old and did not do what he wanted to do. But, did you ever realize
that if it was not for this great man we would not be where we are.
Columbus set out to see China and the Lord had him find north america.
The funny thing is that he never realized how great his failures in his eyes
are to us. remember that when you think that God is giving you a huge
detour that well later on it might be the best thing He could have done.
Life is hard and being a pastors wife is just a bit harder. Yet I need
to remember that God has me on His road and it is a tough one yet who better
to travel with? Don't get me wrong I am still human and have my people
problems. Mostly when they are critical about my husband. like
that was a bad sermon what were you thinking. you do not support me.
I need to talk to you NOW. and well I am sure you can fill in the rest.
still tired not as crabby and well thanks for letting me talk. I needed
it.
Christina 10/11/01
Hi Sisters in the Lord. I'm so glad I came across this page. I 'm looking
for Pastors wives that would like to email me to share what the Lord is doing
in your church.Not only that things you face as a PAstors wife. I'm 28 years
old.We have been Pastoring here in this church for 4 years now and youth
Pastored before that. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Blessings
to all Pastors wives.
Janina 10/13/01
Every time I try to do something in the church I get knocked . Discouraged.
By my husband, the Pastor. He worries about what the people will say,
because they always say bad stuff about me anyways. I was soo active
at first. (3 years) Then the MEETING came, and all the people there,
DISSED ME BAD, said that Pastors wives should just sit on the pew and look
pretty. My husband did not stick up for me. I ran out of there,
and didnt go back for a couple of months. When I did, I dropped EVERY
ministry I did. Youth, piano, whatever. Now 3 years later I can get
over it. I fear doing anything, and if I look for husbands supposrt,
I think hes scared someone will knock me again, so in his own way, maybe
he thinks hes protecting me. Whatever. They dont show him any respect
either. We have never even took a salary and both work full time jobs
in additon to pastoring. Sometimes I just hate that church, sometimes
I dont. I dunno.
Sharon 10/16/01
Janina, don't give up. God has a plan for you and I think you know
that. If God calls you to minister in a certain area like youth, playing
instruments, etc., then that's what you need to do. It is strange (to
me) that your church thinks a pastor's wife should just sit and do nothing.
Most places I've been in contact with seem to think the opposite. They
either think the pastor's wife should be involved with everything or some
actually have the right idea and know that the wife will serve in the areas
God has called her to serve in. You are trying to serve God, don't
let other people prevent you from serving. Pray that God will open
a door for you to serve. Maybe in just a small way to begin with and
as the people realize that you are simply following God's will they won't
object. They shouldn't object to anyone who is willing to serve the
church. Most churches usually have to beg people to get involved and
be committed. As for your husband, he should have stood up for you.
I believe that is his duty not only as a pastor but also as your husband.
You need to sit down and talk about this with him if you have not already.
Let him know how you feel and how you felt that night. Help him understand
the things you need from him and ask him what he needs from you. Discuss
it and come to an agreement, under God's authority, of how you can help each
other. Be sure to bathe everything in prayer; not just you by yourself
but you and your husband together, and wait for God's perfect timing.
God bless you and know that I am praying for you.
Teri 10/16/01
Janina, get help. It's the best thing you can do for you and your marriage.
Find a christian counselor and seek help. You need to sit down with
your husband and talk, really talk about how you feel and in the presence
of a counsellor is one of the best gifts you can give your marriage.
An outside view of your situation will give insight and oportunity to express
what needs to be said. I too had a situation where my husband did not
support me and let me be attacked. Without God's help and a commitment
to open communication, I'm not sure I could have survived that. It wasn't
till after a tremendous accident my husband had and having to deal with Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder, that we spent some time in counselling. Having
someone from outside our lives take a more objective view on our marriage,
how we deal with anger, stress and our relationship, did our marriage ever
really come together. No, life has not been perfect, in fact the "stabbing
me in the back" incident happened a year later, but foundations were layed
to open the door to communication and especially to "listening" to what our
spouse is saying and feeling. Above all else, God has called Pastors
first to be husbands and fathers, the church takes precidence after that.
His first accounting to God will be for his family, then the flock.
It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of issues, and churches will always
be dishing out something at one time or another, so get help and healing
for yourself and your marriage. God will be looking at what you have
done there first. Next, find a way to use your spiritual gifts.
Remember the parable Jesus told of the talents in Matthew 25:14 - 30.
Perhaps you need to get out of that situation for a time of healing, I don't
know, but you need to feed your situation with much prayer and wise counsel.
Call everyone you know who will be a support and get them praying.
In every place we are God is teaching us something, figuring out just what
that is, is the hard part. Remain faithful to be a godly wife and support
your husband, but is definately time to take action. Be strong and
courageous.
EverHischild 10/16/01
I have written a couple of times before. Both times , my husband and
I were going thru very hard times with our first church. We are still struggling
but somehow I feel we have turned the corner. I don't know if the people are
doing that much better or whether we have learned to walk more by faith and
less by feelings. We are very young in the ministry (not in years) and looking
back we can see where we made some mistakes in striving to lead. But I believe
that the Lord is trying to teach us to be more consistant and less up and
down. And we have certainly learned a lot in that area. All I know
now is that I love the Lord with all my heart. And I believe that time is
drawing to a end rapidly. It is time to quite the inner friction in the church
and be about the work he has set before us. And I believe he is talking to
every born again Christian not just to ministry. There are hurting people
who are looking for God. We are "all" called to preach the gospel. Either
behind a pulpit or thru the way we live our lives. We cannot live anyone's
life but our own. Each of us is responsible for the way we live before God.
No matter what is going on in your ministry, it is totally separate from
your relationship with God. That comes first. It will always come first.
We must committ to Jesus. He will take care of all the rest of it. Amen?
holding strong 10/23/01
Hello everyone. I am so thankfull that I have stumbled onto this
site. I have read your meassages and have been encouraged by tham all.
I am a new pastor's wife of about a year and a half. I have been wrestling
with trying to be my ideal of a pastor's wife and having a rough time of
it.(Who Would have guessed?!) Anyway, I a few situations I hope someone can
help me with. Mine and my husbands backgrounds are not what one would
consider ideal. He has been divorcd twice due to infidelity and I have
been divorcd once. My last spouce was not willing to save our marriage.
With that said, My husband has experienced a few problems with elder pastors
in our denomination. We are currently the youth pastor at our local
church and have the support of our senior pastor. I know my husband
has ben called to the ministry and I have accepted the responsibility of
supporting him. I can't help but feel that he is being held back wrongly.
I realize there are certain things that are required and I couldn't agrre
with them more. However, I do not feel that it is right for man to
stand in the way of God's calling. I am ashamed of my resentment toward this
situation. I know that our mentors are only trying
to do what they feel is right
in God's eyes. I just don't see how holding someone back from thier calling
and direction form God is helping to further God's kingdom. There are
so many lost souls out there who need to be reached and I just want to fullfill
God's will for my life as well as my husbands. I pray each day for
God to use me as he sees fit and I try to keep my light shining as bright
as ever. No matter what the future holds I will continue to serve my
God in every way possible to reach all those who are hurting in our world.
I hope there is someone who has experinced a situatuion like this or something
similar. Sorry my message was so long, I guess when you lay out your
burdens you loose track of time. Thanks for the chance to talk.
May God Bless you all and enrich your ministries.
Unnamed 11/2/01
Be submissive to your elders. There are reasons they are holding you back.
Being divorced in our organization is a reason to be held back, you have to
show proof that there was a Biblical reason for divorce (adultery).
Often times, regardless of your background, there has to be a proving time.
You can still minister by win souls, teaching Bible studies, etc. That
is a sure way to prove you are sincere.
Anonymous 11/11/01
I understand exactly what you are going through. Just remember that the
Lord is
merciful and He is forgiving.
My husband and I, too, have been through divorces before our marriage.
The Lord can work through anything.
Not wanting to upset you, but did you all ever think about changing denominations
or even becoming inter-denominational. My hubby and I did that and have not
had to deal with all the condemnation from the denomination we used to belong
to. You have to do what the Lord calls you to do. One day you will stand
before His Throne and have to answer to Him how you handled the "talents"
He gave you. Read the story of the talents and the 3 servants over again.
You will find it most interesting and applicable to your situation! The Lord
will deal with the men that are attempting to hold you back as well, but
you won't have to answer to them! I know how rough it is to leave your group
and strike out on your own. It can be quite scary and intimidating, but the
rewards are unbelievable and we have found such a peace in our hearts in
our decision to obey God and not man! In the end, you will answer to the
Lord and not those elders! My blessings and prayers are with you!
Debbie 10/25/01
I am teaching a class at a Pastor's Outreach Convention on "Reaching Out Through
Parsonage Hospitality. I would like some ideas from other Pastor's
Wives that would be helpful. I want to help our women understand the importance
of the parsonage being 'open' as far as having people in for meals for fellowship.
Also the fact that the parsonage doesn't belong to them and our obligatioon
to keep it neat and clean. We are also faced with a problem of some parsonage
famillies having pets and ruining homes because of them. One other thing
I want to stress to them is that we must allow our people to see us as we
live daily, and the fact that we are 'human'. Some ministers are opening
their homes for Bible Study to completely unchurched neighbors and friends
as an outreach tool. WHat is your thoughts on this? All of us feel
inadequate to do entertaining in our homes, but after 24 years in the parsonage
myself, we have always found it to be an invaluable tool to reaching out
and getting to know our people as well as new people.
Unnamed 11/2/01
We do not live in a parsonage. Thankfully most churches in our denomination
have gotten away from this. Pastors and PW need their own homes for
several reasons. One of them is home should be a haven for the pastors family.
The church should respect that and not just "drop by," whenever they feel
like it. Another reason is income tax, and still another is that it is a
good investment. What if something happens to your husband and you live in
the parsonage? You are left without anything. If you own a home, you can
continue to live there or sell it and move elsewhere. If the church
has a parsonage it should be like the White House. The current occupant has
free reign with decorating. This is the PASTORS HOME - don't tell him
what he can and can't do in his home. Thankfully our denomination is
not like a lot of others (at least that's what I get from reading these posts).
The church does not "own" the pastor. He is the shepherd of the flock. BUT
the PW does attend every service and is involved in the church. To
those who say they don't attend or attend unwillingly - that blows me away.
No wonder you are unhappy. Before my hubby has accepted the pastorate
of a church he makes sure they understand we are a package deal (hubby, wife
and kids).I feel if God calls US (when you married him you became ONE) to
a place, He will equip us and help us to be happy, but we have to submit
to God and have a consecrated prayer life. I Love pastoring, I cannot
imagine doing anything else. Yes, I work outside the home (this year
is hte first time in several years, since I homeschooled our children until
they graduated). I have worked part time as an editor for a publishing company
- from home for several years. now I do that and teach school too (25 jr
high and high school students every day - with a 40 minute (or more) commute
each way). Plus I operate a puppet making business from home.
I am the Children's Ministries director at church, and we travel teaching
workshops and seminars and speaking at conferences. yes I am busy -
but the rewards are Eternal! And I Love it because I love Jesus. I do everything
as unto HIM.
Chandra 10/27/01
I guess I have a question. My husband has been Pastor of a church
for the last ten years and I do not the church at all. The people make me
fill uncomfortable at all times. We have tried counseling and we have spoken
with other Pastors. But my feelings have not changed. I've tried to be active
but that did not work for me. SO now I attened Sunday School and Service
and that is it. I'm praying someone can help me because I can't handle the
situation any more. I am tired of being unhappy on Sunday's I am now at the
ponit asking for divorce because I can cope with him or his people at this
church. My husband is a wonderful man and as Sweet as he can be but I can
stand to be around him as long he is Pastoring the Church. I know that sounds
harsh but those are feelings and I need and want someone to help me through
because I'm ready to give up. The things that these people have done to me
are awful and I have know desire to be in their presence at any time. My
husband and I have talked over and over again and he say's that he knows
without a doubt that God want's him to stay there at this time. And he say's
he will stay until he is sure God wants him to move. So my Question is where
does that leave me?. For the past 5 years I know and he know's that I cry
every Sunday because I do not want to be there at all. And at the same
time he does not want to leave and go back to my home church. I am so tried
of being upset about this. Can someone please help me or least offer me some
type of hope that things will be better! I'm praying for someone to please!please!
just help me a word or a prayer.
PWnomore 10/27/01
Hello sisters in Christ, after 20 years of a fruitful ministry, my husband
resigns tomorrow at a special meeting in the evening, effective immediately.
My heart is broken over so many things that I can't bear it. He has had an
affair just this year. I can't believe that the man whom I have trusted and
has been a loving, devoted husband for 29 years would do this to his family
and his flock. Please pray for us. We're not sure where we go from here but
we know it's out of the ministry. I know God has planned a future but I'm
so devasted and numbed sitting here tonight. I just feel like I'll never
recover in some ways and I feel soooo alone. Just had to speak up and say
SOMETHING. Thank you for your prayers.
EverHischild 11/8/01
I am so sorry for all the hurt you have been thru. My husband and I have
been thru a real struggle in our first church of 3 yrs. also. No I have not
been thru the personel sorrow you have experienced but I do hurt as well.
My husband is wanting to give up his church and just preach every once in
awhile. I am so concerned about him getting out of the ministry. But after
much prayer, the Lord assures me that we can always minister no matter what
our role is in life. I pray that you and your husband can heal the hurt in
your marriage and when you reach the end of this valley, you will be closer
to the Lord than you have ever been. I pray that both of you realize that
God still loves you and will find a place for you to minister to others somewhere.
Do no loose your relationship with the Lord. No matter what comes or goes,
your relationship with the Lord has to survive. You have to make it at all
costs. I will pray for both of you. May the Lord touch you both with His
Mighty Presence. God bless you both.
Preacherswife 10/28/01
I have been married for 18 years. I have been with my husband for
twenty one years. We have 3 kids ages 10-20.(Dont try to interpet the
dates, please) . Anyways we have, or shall I say HE has been pastoring for
7 years, first pastorate, and probably only one we'll ever do. Small
church, small town. PROBLEM:My husband has always been very controlling.
He thinks he is responsible for everyone (mine and childrens) salvation..example:
If i say Oh My God...I am exhorted. If I 'sin' he is my judge.
If I mess up, he is the one who accuses me. I feel like my husband is
the accusser of the brethren. He can dish it out, but he cant take
it. I have allowed this to a certain extent, I know, but Im at the point
where I hate it. Nothing is good enough for him. If somethings
out of place, in the house, he clicks his toungue, assigns the blame to the
person who did it, and becomes the great almighty one who fixes it or puts
it away. I have had it up to here. Now, if I set my coffee sup
down, he may move it, and I am so defensive at this point I go into a fit.
LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE. Worry about your own self and stuff. I have always,
since I was sixteen, felt responsible for his happiness. I always did
things to make him feel good about himsel;f. I have hid things that
might upset him-MY BAD.....mistake...now as I have tried to get out of that
mode, its taking its toll, as real life is hitting him. People mess
up, kids mess up, stuff gets spilt, things break, and its a teenagers responsibilty
to test limits, so they can grow up. I really dont like my husband
today, and cant bare to look at him.
Overall, we love each other,
he doesnt drink,cheat, cuzz, gamble, hit, punch...but he does scream, and
yell, everyday, about something. thats it in a nutshell, I cant stand
his yelling, at all, anymore, not for another second. WHAT CAN I DO??????
brokenhearted 10/30/01
i need your prayers and advice.i am a pastor's wife. w have been at our
church for about five years. it is a struggle. about a year and a half ago
i found out that my husband had committed adultery svereal times. it was
an awful time in my life. i am still hurt over it. i do not trust my husband
. we wen to counsleing, but did not finish. it seened like my husband keep
coming up with all kinds of reasons not to go. we are still togetther and
trying to work things out,but it is so hard.i find my husband very disrespectful
,he stays out late and says he is out trying to hear from GOD. i don't always
believe him,but decided to turn him over to GOD. I DO.NT LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER
IT ANY MORE BECAUSE I AM FIGHTING FOR MY PEACE. iam praying sabout seperating.please
pray fr me and gve me any kind of Godly advice you can. thank you and
i am praying for all of you also.
Kim 11/1/01
I am really glad I found this sight!!! I really need someone to talk to and
for reasons that you all know there is just really no one that I feel like
would understand, or who wouldnt repeat everything I said. I married
my high school sweetheart (We have been married for the past 20 years)My
husband was a teacher/coach for 15 years (somethning that he always wanted
to do) After 16 years of marriage and 3 children (all boys ages 19, 8 our
son with Down Syndrome and our youngest &) he decided to let me know
that God had called him into the ministry. My first response was the
ever supportive wife of, "Well how long has he been calling?" To make a very
long story he left his job took on a part time youth position and went back
to school. I worked to support us and about 6 months before graduation
I lost my job. Financially it has been very tough, but we have made
it each month. About a year a 1/2 ago
my husband was called to his
first church. It is an old established church (100 years old) It used
to be a large church but had barely survived several splits. The people
that are there are an older congregation, that hired my husband to try and
appeal to a younger age group. I am sure that some of you already know what
I am about to say... They say they want to appeal to a younger set of people,
but they really don't. Only if the younger group will not bother them,
not bring noisy kids not sing any praise music etc... The other problem that
we have is that the secretary (Been there 25 years) and the treasurer (been
there 10) think they run the Church. They are rude, very resitant to
doing anything differently. (we probably should have run when we first
got there, when I asked the secretary if they had a computer, and she very
shortly told me we do things the old fashioned way and we like it like that!)
They have made it so difficult for my husband to do his job. (Refused
to take out taxes on his paycheck, I could go on and on). The secretary
only has about 10 hours of work to do but gets paid for 25. The rest
of the time she spends sitting on the steps of the office, smoking and gossiping
with whoever will listen. My husband has had no support from the personnel
committee, because the two women have been there so long, there husbands
are deacons and one of the husbands is on the personnel committee.
My husband is working with the new committee now and hoping to gain support
o