Pastor's Wives' Support Board

The purpose of this page is to support and encourage pastor's wives.  If you are a pastor's wife and have a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion, please fill out the form and click submit.  Responses will be added later.  Let's help each other!

Please also submit for our future book .  We are also planning a book for and about pastor's kids .  Please check this out if you were a pastor's kid - or have your child give us ideas!

Due to your great responses, we have made this Support Board into many different pages!  Make sure you read all of them!
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faith  8/14/01 Hi, I am a wife who has dreamed all my life of being a pastors wife. I've had some experience in ministry as a volunteer Youth Pastor's wife and worship leader's wife. I don't know if God's plan is training us for full time ministry or not. But I do know of some life lessons that we have learned along the way that has brought us more understanding of what we chose to believe when we first saw the light of Jesus when we were young. Exepereince is the refining fire process bringing what we believe in our minds into the life giving fire to give us more understanding into our hearts so that our relationship becomes more real with the life giver. In reading all these letters what I see is this: Your going to through the refining fire, what is happening God is fully aware of and plans for your future to turn all things to the good for His glory and name sake. Step into His full acceptance and embrace his undying love. Acknowledge to Him all of your ways and He will lift you up. Live out today being purposefull for the kingdom of God and lay up your treasures in heaven. Ask Him for strength for today and joy will be your portion of delight as you delight in Him. Be true, be honest and be real. Keep your eyes on Jesus, as soon as you take them off you'll find yourself in the enemy's camp and feeling like your going insane but when this happens if you'll just look to Jesus He will turn the light on (He is the light) and you will see that your enemy is not you or me or God, the torchering you or harrassing you is the real enemy and it's only because your in his camp or he's in your's (your mind). So get out, by taking up your authority in Christ and be victorious today! Thank you Jesus for your prescious blood covering that nothing lasts longer than we want it too! Prayerof authority: Satan get out of our minds, satan get out of our emotions, satan get out of our hearts, satan get our lives. You must leave right now in Jesus name. Jesus forgive us our sins and our partnering with the enemy by letting him stay too long and give us peace and strength for today in Jesus name. We have victory in Jesus in the midst of our circumstances through repentance (a change of heart) and taking up our authority in Christ! Amen!

SUNSHINE  8/15/01 THIS MAY NOT EVEN GET POSTED BUT I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO.  MY HUSBAND AND I FIGHT ABOUT SEX ALL THE TIME.  I AM NEVER IN THE MOOD.  IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.  DOES IT MEAN I DON'T LOVE MY HUSBAND ENOUGH. DOES IT MEAN I AM NOT CLOSE ENOUGH TO GOD.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  I FEEL LIKE AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD LIKE THIS AND MY HUSBAND DOES TO.

Faith  8/24/01 I can sympathize with you. About five years ago I was going through a depression that I was not aware of due to stress and pressures at church. I too became totally ill at even the word or thought of sex. If you were like me any pressure to perform made me want to puke, and it should. Striving is not of God. However, looking back now I can see a lot of things differently and it's not worth going through if you can help it. I would get on your knees and pray for God to help you sift through your emotions and circumstances and help refocus on what is important. Adults can do without sex but a marriage may not survive. I would also see a doctor or an herbal therapist.  It could be things like not feeling sexy or not feeling pretty, not appreciated, or feeling a pressure to be someone your not, these emotione are stressful and can be overwhelming if they are not talked out with your husband. But God is not overwhelmed and he can restore anything that is broken or hurting. Hope this helps, have faith and believe!

8/27/01  Sunshine...are you on birth control?  My husband and I were having lots of arguments too, but after I went off of the pill, things changed.  The hormones in the pill were affecting my emotions and my sexual drive.

Renee  8/27/01 You are not the only one, believe me!  I have been in your shoes.  It is possible to overcome your problem.  I did on my own, but it took several years.  I would highly recomend seeing a counselor.  Not as a couple, but by yourself.  You may have issues that would be easier shared without your husband present.  Be sure your therapist is Christian.  I also highly recommend the book "The Power Of A Praying Wife".  Keep your eyes on the Lord and ask Him to heal you.  I will be praying for you.



Rhianne  8/15/01 Hello Friends!  I am so thankful to have stumbled onto this site!  I actually was thinking that I was the only pastor's wife in the world who is having trouble!  My husband and I are pretty new at this...he has been a youth minister for four years (while we went to Bible college), but we are just now in our first full-time ministry position.  He is the associate minister of a small church.  We were so excited to get this job and so excited to be in the ministry, serving the Lord!  Now it seems that it is more stress than I can handle!  First of all, we were promised health insurance for our family (we have 4 children, ages 2,4, 6, 9).  So far it has been three months and still no health insurance!  Last week one of our elders handed us papers to fill out to apply for a state medical card.  We don't know what to do....and the insurance seems to be the least of our problems.  When we took this position, the idea presented to us was that the senior pastor would stay on for awhile, mentoring my husband, etc.  Now he will not let my husband preach, and he gets angry with my husband for being upset over the insurance problem, saying that we should be more concerned about the financial state of the church.  Also this minister and his wife do not get along with several of the families in our church and they are putting us right in the middle, which we want no part of.  He (the sr. minister questions everything we do with these families)  I don't mean to sound like a complainer.  We really love the people of this church and we want to make this work.  There are a lot more details which I have not mentioned.  Every day I am growing more and more anxious about these problems.  I try to give them to GOd and let him handle them, but I feel so disappointed. This man and his wife were supposed to be our mentors, to teach us about ministry life, but they are making our life miserable.  Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this?


38thBirthdayGirl  8/16/01  Praise The Lord!  My husband has been in ministry for approximately 10 years.  God just called him to Pastor a church back in November of 2000.  I love my husband dearly and he's wonderful to me.  In the past few years I've had the problem on how to relate to him and my sisters in the Lord on protocol as to when I'm not home, there should be no other women in my home.  I realize that because he is a Pastor, people may feel the need to drop by.  However, if I'm not home I do not appreciate another woman in my home.  I trust my husband but I don't trust some of the women that visit me or us.  Am U being paranoid?

Faith  8/24/01 I agree with you for simple measures of accountability and appearance sake! Luckily my husband wouldn't let it happen. He won't even call a woman, he has me do it. Must be a hard habit to break once women know that a pastor like to talk to women it's hard to get them off your path. Your husband will have to show a little distancing and stand firm with worrying wether they get their feelings hurt a little and actually a little sting might be helpful, God will heal it!



jo  8/17/01 I am not a normal pastors wife and even joke that it was in our pre nups the two things that my husband could not do was be a farmer and a pastor well after 11 years of marrage and two kids. My husband and I felt that the Lord was changing my heart and here I am 1 year into a church plant and expecting our third.  I am a type A personality and agressive in nature.  I have heated discussions with my husband and sometime need to appoligize for some of the actions I display.  My kids are not perfect and I love them all the more when they are not.  I am known as the pastors wife and I say no I am ...  I hate meeting new people and fellowship time is not my cup of tea.  I am in my husbands bible study for couples and I never do my lesson I Hate Fill In the Blank.  And I usually ask to many questions because I love to think.  I love giving to others and entertaing small groups in my home.  I home school and a at home mom.  I am involved with behind the sceens things and am very aggressive on telling people NO even my husband at times.  God is traing me every day and I Love Him with all my heart.  But I am not a normal pastors wife and enjoy my position of not being normal.  My daughter wears harley davidson tee shirts and does her own hair at 7  sometimes i get questioned on it and I say I think it looks pretty she did a good job don't you think?  I have determend that some people like to put you in a expectation box of how a pastors wife should be  and I have seen some women try and try to fit in it but when ever they think they are in someone else changes the size.  My first question is who made this mold and why is it nation wide.  and second why are we as women and wifes willing to give up a bit of ourselves to make every one else happy and not ourselfs.  God made us each on different and wonderful why change that?  I have read the bible over and over and have not found a part on "pastors wifes"  I found elders, pastors, wifes in general, husbands, children yet never a "pastors wife section"  soooo my conclusion we are wifes and just like every other wife the rules are the same sooo when someone tries to get the box out for you think is this mans rule or Gods.  and decide get in and change for man or have God prune you and mold you to Him.  Yes I get in the box sometime and get fustrated that i first did and second that rules are different for me Then i get out with Gods help and give back the box.  Ladies  BE WHO GOD MADE YOU LOVE THE LORD, LOVE YOUR HUSBAND, LOVE YOUR CHILDREN AND LOVE YOURSELF


faith  8/22/01 I had a couple more insights today that have really helped me get through some trials and even past memories of hurts from others. This is it:" Am I going to not wear the garment that marks of others, words, behaviors and feelings which really is a symbol of the mark of the beast (condemnation) or I am I gonna put on my new clothes today that resembles Christ (the cross) forgiven and forgotten. I choose with a conscince choice of the forfront of my mind to put on the new clothes ( The full armor of God) Satan is my enemy, not people! Dear children of God, choose to love each other today with the love of the Lord and you will be richly blessed from the inside out even if your circumstances don't change on the outside you will be able to endure your hardships from a peace within. Not trying to give any pat answers, just the Truth! Love you all and your in my prayers!


Irene  8/23/01 A LASTING IMPRESSION Hi I thought some of you might need a laugh. This is another true story of mine.  A few years back my husband and I thought it would be nice to meet one of the other Pastors in the town, he had a guest speaker from America speaking and it seemed like a good oppertunity.  We have six children, this night we took one of them with us because his son was in the same class at school as this Pastors son and he could catch up with him. Anyway we introduced ourselves and it was lovely meeting them,we had a good talk after the meeting then they walked us to the van and we waved goodbye, but we forgot about our son Luke, he had walked to the back of the van and was about to get in when we took off.  The other pastor said to him, they must be just going around the corner.  We had totally forgot and drove home had a cup of tea and where getting into bed when the phone rang. It was this Pastor, he said "have you forgotten anything," we go "no, not that we can think of". He said "what about your son", how embarrassing.  Anyway he and the guest speaker dropped him off at our place.  (I don't know what the American guy thought of us Australians) We sure made an impression.


Just"us"mom  8/23/01 I have been married to a minister for the last 17 years. We have chosen for me to stay home with our three children.  Because of this we have accrued debt.  I have tried several jobs outside the home and have not worked out. It seems as if God is shutting doors and I haven't found any windows open yet.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  I really feel that it is important to be at home when my kids get home yet that limits the job possibilities. Several possibilities have presented themselves in the last 2 days, but each entails investing an amount of money that at present is not available.  What does one do besides pray?


COpastor  8/25/01 Hello PW      LET'S  write A Book!!!!!  FOR  PASTORS WIVES  I am married to my childhood sweetheart.(We have Four Teens at home). Our Church is 11 years Old. I am so feed up with the isolation that most pastors wives are feeling. (It's SO SAD) Listen Ladies Satan has sold us a bunch of Liezzzzzzz! It is not right for us to Isolate ourselves Because we are ministry wives.  This week I had A hard Time at home I called several Friends and one of the was a Minister that attends our church.  This skipping over members in our Church has got to stop!  IF God Gives me a Friend in my Church or Out of the Church I will take it, They can be in the ministry or out, saved or not. If I did not call on my friends for help, I'd be miserable. today one of my friends and I just Talked about The Tricks of Satan We shared what we had to deal with in our homes ect. This was so refreshing. Two Friends Gave Me passages to read.   If you spend all of your time giving advice why can't you spend some time recieving some advice. I call this taking the mask off. Quit fooling yourself. There is to much pressure in ministry to try to keep A code of silence I am speaking of Friends sent from God! (not Satan) Satan's Friends wants to steal kill and destroy. Satan Friends Will cause fear and pain. God sends People to undo the works of satan. might be in my church or may not be. If I need a breakthrough. I will call whoever(doesn't Matter) I am not worried about how I look. My sanity is more important! you most certainly need some one to talk to if he is in adultery. that is not the kind of stuff you hold back. THE DEVIL IS A LIAR! The pastors Wife needs friends just as much as any Wife. Stop this Insanity, I want TO speak the Truth and be set/made free. P.S. I WANT TO WRITE A BOOK ANY IDEAS? Rock Dove Blessings upon you I am glad you let us vent and get refresed on this board. I hope my message will set some lonely wife free. I will look to hear from pastor wives as God leads. maybe someone else has a burden like mines can you put me in contact with them so we can encourage one another. Thank you So Much!


Stacey  8/26/01 I am responding to the funnist or embarrasing thing that ever happned. Like most pW's we have t sing, teach, clean ect. This night I was leading the worship and the Lords' prescence was heavy in the church, so I started to dance around and all of a sudden felt like the Lord was telling me to stop, so I did and looked down, I don't know when but my slip had fallen off and was laying at my feet! One of the young girls who sings with me was laughing and laughing! Thank God for once the people were actually worshipping and saw nothing! As a PW it has been a hard 5 yrs. We have been married almost 10 yrs and half of that as pastors with NO training except hands on day by day. People can be very hurtfull and ungodly but in the last 5 yrs. I have learned God is always good, but I mean ummm ummm good! We have almost broken up, had the worst rumors said about us and had more splits than a badly sown dress, but I try to keep my eyes up on God. Be encouraged and I love you, but in a way that we can all relate to! God Bless and keep up the good work!


Marie  8/26/01 My husband and I are waiting for the Lord to lead us to our first pastorate. We're both excited and a little bit nervous. I have had problems in 2 different churches where there were women who either lied or made hateful comments about my husband and whether or not we were called to the ministry. I am currently not attending any church. We left our last church just a couple of weeks ago. How can I go back and face a pastor's wife that has lied to me and how do I face women that won't be honest, but seem to be bent on believing what she says. She has destroyed my reputation. I am unsure of whether to go back and tough it out or find another church. My husband says he's not sure what we should do. I never confronted this lady. I was taught not to question the pastor's wife.My heart is broken and I can't seem to find my way out of this fog. I question myself constantly and wonder if I could have done something differently. Has anyone else gone through this??????

faith  8/29/01 We are all called to the ministry. Plain and simple jesus said ," Go and make fishers of men." You got to know who you are in Christ and wear the mark of the pastor's wife or anyone else. You have given her authority to say who you are and you need to take it back and give that authority to who deserves it Jesus Christ. Show mercy to the pastors wife and do as she has not done to you. God is the judge and He will convict her if she meant to wrong you from her heart. You'll be better and stronger and better prepared for the ministry God is calling you to. It's all a test of how your chracter and attitude. What you choose to do out of obedience to Christ will determine how soon you'll step through the open door only God can open.



copastor  8/28/01 WHY ......SO MUCH PAIN JESUS CAME FOR US TO HAVE AN ABUNDANT LIFE
I HATE THE DEVIL ... AND I DEMAND HIM (IN JESUS NAME) LOOSE OUR FAMILIES


Kris  8/29/01 At this moment, my husband and I are "away" from our church to get "perspective" and seek some Godly counsel.  My husband has been the youth pastor at the church for 10 months.  I need some advice/input on a few things.... The church as a whole is great, but we have faced a lot of pressure from the Sr. pastor to change things about ourselves.  I get called into his office about every other week because a few of his "closer" members don't think I smile enough or don't acknowledge them when they pass me in the hall, etc... He had me take a temperment test and found out that I have a choleric personality, so any thing that comes up... he tells me it's because I'm not handling my temperment appropriately.  I have read books and listened to tapes at his request, as well as gone to a few people and apologized if I offended them, although I have never meant to offend.  When we were interviewed for this position, my husband was very forthright that we were a team, although he is the leader.  This has always been succussful for us at other churches.  We were told that this is what they were looking for.  But once we have been here and my husband has involved me in things, I am told that I'm too visible and need to take a "back seat".  These are just the criticisms against me.  One week, my husband is told he's too serious or prays too long, the next week, he's not deep enough.  We are at the point where we don't know how much criticism is healthy and how much we are being asked to give up of our own personalities, giftings, or identities.We're thinking, are we really so bad.  It's hard when all we hear from the pastor are negatives and little positive, although there are teens and parents who let us know we are being effective and appreciated.  But he never addresses that.  We don't see glaring faults, but we are emotionally drained and confused.  Do we just stay and press on, or do we move on?  Our concern is that we have only been here 10 months and that we're just running.  We sincerely desire to do what God has called us to do.  My husband is weary because we've had such a hard road.  One place we were at, the pastors wife was unfaithful and the church fell apart.  Place #2, the pastor "mooned" some teenagers and had serious moral issues. And #3, the pastor left three months after we got there and then when they hired a new senior, the church had no funds to keep us on.  Now this.  We're wondering if we should just throw in the towel for awhile and get a break.  Has anyone been there?  We're to go back by Sunday and let the pastor know what we want to do.  Thanks for your input.  It feels good to read the articles and know I'm not alone.


EVA  8/29/01 MY HUSBAND AND I PASTORED FOR 11 YEARS IN A DIFFERENT STATE THAN WHERE WE ARE LIVING NOW. WE MOVED HERE OUT OF DISCOURAGEMENT. FOR 10 YEARS WE FELT WE WERE IN THE DESERT BUT WERE REALLY IN A LEARNING HEALING PROCESS. HE FINALLY TOOK ANOTHER CHURCH IN ANOTHER DENOMINATION BECAUSE WE FELT THAT WAS WHERE GOD WANTS US. THE CHURCH IS SUCH A PRIME LOCATION FOR GROWTH AND OUTREACH. NOW THE PEOPLE ARE SAYING THEY WANT IT TO BE LIKE IT USED TO BE. THEY DON'T LIKE THE MUSIC OR THIS AND THAT. MY HUSBAND HAS ONLY IMPLEMENTED WHAT HE FELT GOD LEADING HIM TO DO. NOW THEY DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT OR ANY CHANGE. IT SIMPLY WILL NOT GO FORWARD LIKE IT IS. I HAVE HAD MEMBERS SAY I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS CHURCH HAS BEEN HERE FOR 30 YEARS AND WE JUST WON'T GROW AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. WELL I UNDERSTAND IT. TO TOP IT ALL OFF, OUR 14 YEAR OLD SON WAS JUST LISTED FOR A HEART TRANSPLANT. I FEEL LIKE RIGHT NOW THAT IS ALL I CAN DEAL WITH.MY HUSBAND WILL NOT RUN FROM PROBLEMS OR FROM SATAN REARING HIS UGLY HEAD BUT MY OPINION IS IF THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT AND HAVE NOT BEEN WILLING TO CHANGE AND DO OUTREACH TO REACH OTHERS THEN THE CHURCH IS NOT GOING TO GROW. MY SWEET HUSBAND HAS PREACHED HIS HEART OUT THIS YEAR AND WE HAVE WORKED LIKE CRAZY TO SEE SOULS SAVED. WE HAVE ACTUALLY STARTED SEEING SOME RESULTS BUT NOW THE PEOPLE WANT TO PUT A STOP TO IT. I FEEL AS A MOTHER ALL I CAN DO RIGHT NOW IS CONCENTRATE ON OUR SON AND SPEND TIME WITH HIM.MY HUSBAND SAYS HE IS NOT LEAVING UNTIL GOD SAYS TO LEAVE.NO MATTER WHAT. I AM JUST TIRED AND WEARY AND A FRIEND WHO IS A PASTOR HAS OFFERED A POSITION TO US AT HIS CHURCH THAT WOULD PROVIDE HOUSING. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LADIES I IMPLORE YOU TO PRAY FOR GOD TO SHOW MY HUSBAND WHICH WAY TO GO. I AGREE WITH HIM IN ONE SENSE. I DON;T WANT TO RUN FROM PROBLEMS AND I DO WANT TO BE IN GODS WILL BUT HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH. I KNOW IT IS NOT ABOUT ME BUT ISN'T IT EASY AS HUMANS TO GET CONSUMED WITH US AND OUR LIVES. PLEASE PRAY AND I'LL TAKE ANY WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT.


Kinda  8/29/01 Hi,  I am new here.  But tonight my heart is breaking.  I am a missionary pastor's wife and it is not possible for me to find another pastor here in town.  I guess I should start at the beginning.  Twenty-two years ago, I had a 3lb baby boy.  He was our second child.  Our first had died before he/she was born.  Back then, he didn't have much of a chance to live.  In fact, the doctor warned us not to name him a family name as he would not be alive much longer.  But, we prayed, giving him back to God and begging God not to take this child home too.  God answered our prayers.  But two months later, when we had him home, he quit breathing.  He nearly died again.  Again we prayed that God would save his life and this beautiful young man who is so very smart and talented grew up.  He had his problems with the law as a teenager and broke our hearts a few times but over all, he was a child to be proud of.  His senior year in high school, he decided to donate blood for his senior class project.  About a month later, we received a notice in the mail that he had tested positive for Hepatitis C.  We didn't even know what that was.  After investigation, we found out that he recieved the virus through one of the three transfusions he got two days after he was born.  THose transfusions helped to save his life.  The good news was that the virus had not yet attacked the liver and no one else in the family was infected.  The bad news was that he had already had it for 17 years.  The prospects back then were not very good.  But our son took the news like a man.  He straightened out his life, went away to Bible college for a year, and got engaged to a lovely young Christian lady who was willing to stand by him.  We had been told that some people get this virus and it never attacks the liver.  They can pass the virus along but it doesn't hurt them.  We prayed so hard and had faith that Matt might be one of these peeple.  After all, God had saved his life twice, why not a third time.  Surely God had a reason for Matt being alive.  Our son is now 22 and in his senior year of college.  He has kept a B+ average while working his way through college.  He and his fiance are getting married next summer.  Yesterday he came back from a visit with his specialist. The doctor had called to discuss Matt's biannual blood test.  It seems that the virus has now started to destroy the liver.  It is time for Matt to start some very powerful medicine that will only prolong his life.  Though they are working on a cure, that is several years down the lne line.  Matt is in for a very long and difficult year as these medicines will give him a year long case of the flu and even then, may not knock the virus into remission.  Yet, he is still so brave.  It wasn't until his car broke down today that he lost it.  I sat on the couch with this young man that has already been through so much and just held his hand as he let out his frustrations.  All he wants, he says is to just be given one break in life.  We sued the blood bank that gave him the bad blood but, because no medical person would go up against the community and say that this tragedy could have been prevented if they had just taken the paid donor blood off the market the year before Matt was born as they planned, Matt probably would not have received this virus.  All of this is so unfair and I know life is unfair and I know that God uses these times to build character.  But, if you knew how very much tragedy this family has already suffered, you would think that enough was enough.  I know I can thank God for the 22 years we have already had with Matt and I know we can thank God for the years ahead.  But this was so very unnecessary.  I think I now know what it must be like for a parent who has lost a child to a drunk driver.  Anyway, thank you for letting me vent.  I know there is not much you all can do.  But do pray for our family.  My second son is having a very hard time with this as Matt and he are best friends.  My little girl that we adopted is having problems because she doesn't want to loose yet another member of her family.  My husband is working so hard to get this church off the ground and we are just starting to make progress.  He has to work two jobs so that We will have insurance to cover the $3000 + a month we will be putting out for the medicine Matt will have to inject into his body.  Now the wedding is up for grabs, not because his girl wants out but because he might be sick from the medicine at that time.  Also, my husband and I had been saving up for our one and only big vacation for years and it looks like this money will have to go for the medicine and for Matt's college education as he won't be able to work while on the medicine.  I have a degenerative muscle disease and this vacation was the one thing that kept me struggling to stay on my feet.  I don't mind sacrificing a silly vacation.  But it is hard to give up on that goal.  ANyway, the rest of the family is coming home and I have to go.  THanks for listening.  I will check back for your answers

EverHischild  10/16/01 Kenda, I hope I have your name right. I am very sorry to hear about your son that is having problems with his liver. However I have a brother in law who has the same thing and they put him on very powerful experiemental drugs. I am pleased to report to you that he went thru with no problems at all and is considered in remission. I am praying that the same thing will happen with your son.



Phyllis  8/30/01 Hello I think this is a good site!  I need help, I have a armour bearer that I became extremelly close to and share some things, not to personal with her.  I didn't want to do that from the beginning because I had experienced before people betraying me.  Well, she hasn't betrayed me in the sense of telling my business, but I have felt a coolness from her in the last few months.  YOu may say don't I have pastor wives friends.  I am so well known and alot of pastor wives come to me for counselling.  I feel if I let them know I'm human too, I will be looked down on.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to hurt my armour bearer, but its getting harder for me to let her work close with me.  HELP!


Cindy 8/30/01 I really got a hoot from Jo's message about "not a normal pastor's wife".  I am 45.  My husband quit his job 3 years ago and said God called him to be a pastor.  So I have been supporting us for the past 3 years.  He has one year of seminary left. We sold our home and am living off the profit.  I am presently staying home with the kids since we just moved from MN to NC so that husband could finish the last year of seminary in the south.  I am presently grieving the loss of my home, friends, and familiar surroundings.  I feel resentment toward my husband and do not feel called to be a pastor's wife.  I appreciate Jo's message that she refuses to be what she is not.  I hope that I can begin to sense God's plan for me in this whole scenario and that I overcome this depression and can accept my husband's calling to full-time ministry.  I appreciate this website.  I was feeling there was no one I could talk to about this.


Dawn  9/2/01 Hi, I am new here.  My husband and I will be taking our first Pastorate Oct. 1st.  I just would like any suggestions and ideas from seasoned PW's.  Maybe some definate do's and don'ts.  I especially would appreciate any great ideas on how to get to know the ladies in our church and how to develop a woman's ministries.  It is a small church with about 60 families.  We are excited but at the same time I am insecure about all the responsibilities I will be facing.  I am a PK so I do know what I am getting into.  One problem I am facing at this point is there are a lot of woman that seem to feel they are used prophetically of God and seem to be in the habit of speaking a "Word" over different individuals.  Even though I do believe that God does speak to us today through the gifts of the Spirit, I am not sure that these ladies are really hearing from God in all instances.  Does anyone have any ideas on how to not let them get out of hand without discouraging them or getting them mad at me right off the bat.  I am not sure how any of you feel in regards to this subject, or what kind of churchs you pastor,  but I would appreciate any advice from those who have experienced this.


Jesus Freak  9/5/01 I have to do a research paper on pastors wives. I am lost and do not know how to go about it. can some of you give me insights on how the congregation can help and what is it like to be married to a pastor. Would you do it again if given the oppurtunity. what are the good points to it? please answer me as soon as possible.


Geneva  9/5/01 I am a pastor, minister, missionary wife (smile).  I married the pastor after he and his previous wife divorced.  NO! I was not he cause and God is my witness.  Nevertheless, I knew both parties.  Yes, all hell broke out and past innocence interactions began to be redefined and interpreted as sinful behavior.  We have been married for over eight years now and things are better, though not perfect.  God has restored many relationship and healed lots in wounds.  There are others out there who has married the pastor/minister where he/she was single, divorced or widowed and he reaction from the congregation and Body of Christ has been painful and/or judgemental.  I am researching the question about the ethical implication of a pastor developing a personal relationship with a member of the congregation that is single.  Also, am interested in hearing from others who married the pastor.  I am not looking for pity or those who just want to deal in bitterness instead I want to offer some godly and friendly nonjudgemental support and to receive some feedback on coping and getting beyond the negative.  I know my Redeemer lives and He lives inside of me. Thanks


PASTORS WIFE  9/5/01 I HAVE BEEN A PASTORS WIFE FOR ABOUT 5YEARS MY HUSBAND LOST HIS FIRST WIFE AND THE CHURCH DID NOT LIKE ME THE CHURCH IS ALMOST EMPTY. BUT WHAT I DOD NOT UNDERSTAND IS THE PEOPLE WHY DID THE POEPLE LEAVE THESE WERE MY FRIENDS OF MINE CAN YOU HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND


Jennifer  9/5/01  I'm responding to the messages about being a "normal" pastor's wife.  My husband and I have been married for 21 years, and we've been in full-time ministry for 15 years.  I don't think we have to "feel" any special way to be a pastor's wife. I think we should just be a Godly Woman, serve the Lord and be a support to our husband - NO MATTER WHAT HIS OCCUPATION.  I think the only difference is that we seem to have more opportunities to reach out to others as a pastor's wife.  Sometimes women have come to me with situations which I quite honestly can't offer any advice or help.  I think we should be striving to be like the example of a Godly woman in Proverbs 31.  There are some expectations that may come our way because of our position in the church, but you always have the right to say, "No", if you are asked to do something that requires too much time from your family.  Also, my husband and I have a deal that before either of us commit to something that will take time from our family, we answer the request with, "I'll have to talk to my wife/husband and see what our schedules looks like.  It is much easier to say, "No", with your spouse's support.  I love being a pastor's wife, not because of the expectations, but because of the opportunities if affords me!


Kay  9/7/01 Hello, Ladies First I must say I am truly inspired by you all.  I have a question.  I'm confused about what to do with my life.  I'm engaged to marry a pastor. The church is 95% of his life. When we first started dating I would see him once a week.  He calls me everyday. Is this normal?  Do pastors constantly work on, think about issues related to church... even when their off work?  Are they ever off work? Even when my fiance & I talk on the phone an Elder or member may call.  This pretty much ends our conversation, because he becomes distant and focused on how to handle or take of a new issue that has arised.  I don't mean to complain.  I think the ministry is wonderful.  I am glad to have a man in my life that loves and serves God, but I'm a woman who wants to feel special and loved by her man.  His scheudule is constantly full of church related events, so we never go anywhere.  I guess if I marry him this will be my life.  I NEED ATTENTION!!!  God bless each of you.  How do you do it?

moli  9/29/01 There must be a balance in any minister's life, family first then church. But that is something that he will have to realize and apply in his life. Many ministers marry the church, and that is not healthy, if i may speak from experience, i have been married now for three years to Pastor.  in the beginning he went on as if i wasnt there, it took a lot of crying before God on my side, for Him to open my hubbies eyes, and see that your wife comes first. And i must say that i really prayed a lot, and today, we do not spend much time apart, we are actually inseparable, and he always consults me before doing things, and when it does not include me, he still makes me feel part of it. But like i said, did not come automatically- i soon realized that asking him will have not effect, so i went to his boss - GOD himself, who through the Holy Spirit ministered to Him, one thing i have to say a PW is a praying wife - a praying life - a praying everything all the time.

GS  11/10/01  I would like to respond to the letter written by Kay (9/7/01) I have just found this website and I hope I am not too late.  Kay SSTTOOPP!!!!!!! First have you prayed to GOD and know what your ministry is?  Oh yes, girlfriend, being a Pastor's Wife is a ministry, and you definetly have to be called to do it. Honey if 95% of his life is church, that only leaves 5% for you.  And I am sure all the other PW's will agree when I say "Things are not going to change".  Second, have you two been going to pre-marital counseling or really being honest in your discussion of your feelings and expectations? Have you told him how much attention you need/want?  Reading between the lines of your letter, it seems to me that being married to a pastor would be the least of your problems.  I see selfiousness on both your parts.  Oh, I am sorry, I forgot to tell you that I have been married for 7 1/2 years and a Pastor's Wife for the past 4.  So I speake from experience.  If we had gone through more extensive counseling, I would not have gotten married.  With all that said, I just say to you, make sure that you are hearing from GOD.



amp/2497  9/7/01 I am a 24 year old pastors wife with 3 small children all under the age of 4. I work a full time job as a child support enforcement case manager/investagator. I also have have 2 step daughters with differant mothers and a very over envolved in law family that are all apart of our church. My husband is a very out going person that every one likes and now one believes that he could do no wrong including his self. We have been through so much over the few years that we have been married,  I really feel like i no longer love him and have a lot of regret for marrying him, which wares on our sex life because It discuse me at time for him to even touch me and I never kiss him. Over the years He has allowed his daugher mother to disrepect me like saying things like "you have nothing to to do with me and him when it comes down to our child" and hung the phone in my face, when she called and told him, he took her side and told me to never to answer his buss. line anymore and she would call there instead of the house line. Another mother of the other daughter decided recently that she could not take care of the child and he needed to come and get her, so she moved in, after about three weeks, i asked her sternly to take her feet of the wall and he said that I was being mean, but she is 6 years old, soon to be seven and knows better So then later on that week i found out from his sister when she asked for a skirt that belong to the child, I said well you won't needed now, she be home tonight right, she replied ha ha ha "I have all of her clothes, she is staying with me now, when I was only told that she was staying the night for 2 days over his sisters home, I was so hurt over that and the fact that he was right there making me look like a fool. I also have his church adminstrator whom is able to say whate ever and intiate whatever in the church, if you were visting you would feel like she was the first lady. Because so many things have happened in his family concerning me, they  spread it to other church members, so I have no respect in the church at all, i am constantly in the line of fire. My husband went to speak at another church and my toddler was being disruptive and so I took him out, I was very frustrated and embarressed I went and sat outside and with him, latter that week, the pastor of that church called my sister n law and told her to tell my husband that he should talk to me about displaying things when they are wrong , instead of calling him, he said that it make his minstry look bad. i could go on on and on, but to make a long story short, I feel the need to hate him and I know that it is not right, i also use to minister, but i have steped down becuase my words have been hendered so much in the church, no one listens to me anyway. I don't even like to go, but i go because it is a chore and duty to do because i am his wife, but when he ministers, i feel hatred. he is so good at meeting everyone else's need, except for mine, all he ever wants from me is to take care of the kids, stay home while he goes to events, and make love to him which there is no love, i just let him get on top and do his thing.... i really don't have a need for him, except for the fact that my 3 boys need their father, and i don't want to cause a bigger blemish on the church and I know that divorce is not the answer, but all he is stress and everything attached to him. When 5:00 comes and it is time for him to pick me up, I really get depressed, When it is time for Church, I really have become and expert at hiding my torment and can act the Pastors wife act. Sometimes I even have to introduce him, i find my self having all the wrong things going through my mind while all the right things come out of my mouth, He also is a prophet, i watch him minster to people after people prayer line after prayer line, and god never does anything for me, i feel i have gotton the wrong end of the stick. I am responsible for always submitting to him with repect anf honor and i get nothing in return, not even happy mothers day. The church has apprection services for just him.  I hate it, could some please help me, why is god not doing anything for me. I don't want to hate him, but i find it hard. please, please help i have no one else that i can talk to.

jo  9/22/01 oh girl my heart is heavy for you and I am praying that some female will come out of the woodwork of your town and be a true friend in Christ and in the needs you have.  And that your husband will see that you are his number one.



Judy 43  9/8/01 We moved to a new area with my husband taking another call.  I left behind a full time job and became a fulltime at home mom for the first time in a Long time.  I knew it would be a huge adjustment just had little idea how ?  difficult the path.  Being a pastor's wife is difficult enough but the moving every 5 years or so seems the most trying of all for me.  At our last location I was in a job where I was heavily involved with all types of community work/referrals, social service agencies, etc.  The adjustment of being a in new area and basically knowing no one except church people and being home with kids, helping them adjust to a new area, etc.  It is a lot.  I think we're all doing pretty well considering just I seem unable to rise out of this Lost sense of no direction, just out here for my children and husband with no real direction at 43 years old.  Is a strange feeling.  I tried the counseling thing which is wonderful but expensive - I am thinking of simply volunteering at a social service agency to get out of myself for awhile.  I interviewed 3 times since we've moved and each time was called back for the 2nd interview but then that was it.  Funny I thought I was something else at my last job and now being here in a new place over 1 year already - is somewhat hilarious how I assumed with my wonderful resume and glowing references I'd have no problem just getting back in.  I'm trying to be calm and recognize that perhaps God wants me to recognize that He Is in control after all and that maybe working ft with little children and all that entails is more than I need. The only definite in life is change - as much as I don't like that at times..I guess Jesus is the other constant that I and all of us need to remember.  Being a pastor's wife I tend to be great at distant friendships with no real close friends.  After 11 years in this I find I don't even expect to have close friendships with church people.  Healthy or not I don't know, is just the way that feels appropriate to me.  I say a prayer for all of us.  God knows marriage is work in itself and ministry/pwife brings another ? let's say major dimension to the equation.  Enough said.


Amy  9/10/01 What a nice site.  I'm a PK so I know the life and I've been a PW now for 6 years.  I'm so glad to have found you, because, although I usually do fine, we are going through a tough time right now and while I am normally outgoing in my work, I have been home with my kiddos (they are miraculous little gifts) for the past 5 years. I don't seem to get out much, although I at least have some work that I do out of my home, but for all these years and my experiences as a PK, I am an isolated wife.  I know that these hurts and frustrations are merely tests of my faith, or a necessary witness to others, yet there is quite a lot of pain.  Undefined pain, really, merely in the harsh statements, or sly inuendos of the women of the church.  I know the Lord wants me to turn my cheek and for Jesus' sake, I am happy to do that, it's just a shame that the devil is so active in the church.  Thanks for listening.  I have been aware of the challenges of PW since my mom dealt with difficult ministries, despite her loving ways.  Blessings, sisters.


Faith  9/11/01 I am just wondering how the world is doing today with all news breaking terrorist attack. Would anyone like to respond? Especially if your one ine any of the areas that were attcked I'd like to hear from you. May God show His great mercy to us all. None of us deserve it and we are equall in His eyes. Let none of our hearts be troubled or hardened by these events, let us love our enemies pray for those who persecute us in Jesus name for if we desire revenge, or war, then we are just like those hardened hearts who killed so many this morning. Those men need God's correction, salvation and redirection to righteousness. May God give the president Godly wisdom and turn this evil into good for everyone and bring God the glory in Jesus name.


SDW MW 2B  9/12/01 I will become a minister's wife in the near future and have no guidance on actually being a minister's wife.   I really do not know where to begin, although I have had a little experience in the almost 4 years that my guy has been a minister.   I feel alone as nobody in my family or friends are even involved in church.  I do have one friend and co-worker that is a pastor's wife and she helps me.   In reading over some of the comments, I have already gone through some of the things that you ladies have discussed, but you have so many years and experience in doing this.   Can someone please email and maybe become like a support buddy to me that may be in a similar situation or that just feels that they can help me and guide me in the things that I need to do to be successful in my role.  I am 31 years old and feel like I will be the world's worst minister's wife.   Please help!

jo  9/22/01 the greatest advice I can give is be your self no one else.  and do not let any one put you in the pastor wife box.  It is lonley in there.  the next is that you and your to be need to pray every night together because a coulple that prays together stays together.  and life gets real busy for your husband make sure he puts you in his daytimer where it is your turn to connect and nothing but death should stop that time.  get away from phones and computers and talk at least once a week.  and when you talk keep the work out of it.  be a good listener and his best friend.  and always  never forget to pray for him.  being a wife takes time and the first year is usually the hardest but you will do well if you both keep God as your first love.  and that does not mean work that means relationship together with God as your first love.

SDW MW 2B  9/25/01 Thank you so much for your response.   I liked your advice about just being myself.   There have already been people that have tried to change me into some kind of "minister's wife mold" but I can only be who I am.  I also liked your advice about praying and praying together.   There is so much pressure in being the wife of a minister/pastor.   It is not something that I ever thought of doing, and even now it is not something that I would have chosen for myself but I am just accepting that this is what was in God's plan for me.   There is so much pressure and so many things that you have to just "accept", added to the stress of everyday life and then the stress of becoming a wife for the first time.  It does get overwhelming at times but I just pray about it and ask God to give me the strength and the wisdom to do a job that is pleasing to Him and at the same time try and keep a positive image for others.  But it makes me feel good that I was able to find this site and communicate with people that are going through the same things that I am going through.  I still welcome advice from all of you "seasoned" PW/MW's out there on how you cope and deal with certain situations.



pastor's wife 2  9/14/01  i am writing to respond to Geneva,the jesus freak, and the pastor's wife. i hope i am able to address at least some of the questions asked by all three of you. I hadn't been a member of this particular church too long before i met the pastor who i thought was married. as it turns out he had recently divorced someone he had been married to for 16 years. to make a very long story short, i met the pastor, we started seeing each other, and shortly thereafter we were married. before we married the congregation knew of his intention to marry me. a lot of people made it very clear that they didnt approve. a lot of people even left the church. you wouldnt believe how many rumors were floating around about me. i learned not to take it personally. i didn't understand why they were leaving either. time tells all. you have to take note of the people that leave the church. after observing, i realized that the majority of those who left were single women.  the others were those who werent seeking to have a relationship with god, but instead had made the pastor their god. in turn those people were very critical of everything he did.  i believe the struggles faced by pastor's wives who are marrying a pastor previously married, are much different than those who are first married and then are called into the ministry. there are things that we have to go through that will not be faced by others, especially if there are kids involved. but it can work.  know that in order for you to be fulfilled in your marriage, that you must develop your relationship with God. it is only through him that you can remain strengthened. you must know your purpose in ministry. knowing and understanding your purpose will allow you to remain focused and dependent on pleasing God, not people. don't allow your husband to become your god. sometimes we can get so caught up in trying to please and do right by our husbands that we neglect ourselves spiritually, physically, and mentally. the bible says, our god is a jealous god. that doesnt exclude you just because you are married to a pastor.  both have to be committed to making the marriage work. from this commitment stems support. you're husband must support you.  at the start you won't really be considered the "first lady", you are the other woman. for this reason the congregation must see that your husband both supports and respects you, that he's "got your back." there are lots of things that we will notice concerning the congregation that he may not see. there's a lot that we bare that our husbands haven't a clue about. our emotions seem like they're on a rollocoaster. you cannot bear it alone and don't look to your husband for that which only god can give - a peace of mind and a fulfilled soul. when you pray and state that you will leave it in god's hands, do just that. dont try to take it back because you've got a better solution to the problem or you dont like the way he's handling it. the woman is the most caring, compassionate, intelligent, and passionate person on the face of the earth. we are used to "fixing", "taking care of", and "working out" situations. step down(just a bit), let god take control, and watch him work!  i have to go for now, but will respond on what it's like being a pastor's wife and the good points later. GOD BLESS!

mixedemotions  9/26/01 I read your response to the other ladies and was somewhat comforted by your words. In fact i sent in a request, a plea for help today myself and I am waiting for it to posted to receive some responses. But reading your comments kindda sustained me. I want so much for my husband to talk to me, put me up on his list and support me. amp/2497 - I feel ya! It is good to have a place to vent. ICould I be expecting something from him that he can't give? Am I wrong to want him to spend time with me and the kids? He tells me all the time that he works three jobs- He is an AP in the school system, a Pastor, and I don't know what his other job is but if that the case I have 5 jobs-A mother, a teacher, a homemaker, a student, and a Pastor's wife. I don't know maybe what I'm presently going through will be over soon.



jodi  9/23/01 hi there, I have a question here.  Well, actually a situation and I am not really how to respond.  I know how I want to respond but if that is the right way I am not sure.  My husband just and I just moved and started a new church and the people are thrilled to have a minster, they had been looking for over a year and are grateful that they have found someone.  We are too at the same time since we too had been looking for over a year.  They are very warm and welcoming.  My husband has been in the minstry for 12 yrs but we have only been married for 2 yrs and so I have no real experience in being a pastor's wife but I have always been active in my own church so I feel rather comfortable here.  The problem is after we accepted the church we were informed  of many problems within.  Years ago there was a split that still has a few hurts within the church.  There are also a few that seem to want things for the church that the whole doesn't.  They seem to be very vocal and at times seem to be, for lack of a better word, scheming to get their way.  My husband sees this and is trying ti be patient with them and giving to them to a point, allowing all to have what they need to be fed.  It is really hard to just sit back and not spill out all my thoughts in why they are wrong and how they should see this situation properly.  (just a thought)  I mean I know (trust me) I don't have all the answers but I do kinda feel that as the one seeing the whole and not individual parts I have a unbias perspective. I just sit and listen to my husband and give him advice and he vents to me and that seems to allow me to feel that I am helping I just wonder should I do what I am doing or get more involved.  I don't kow exacly how i would do without looking like I am taking sides but I just don't want to sit on the sidelines if there was something I could do.  And well, I was just wondering if that all made enough sense to anyone to give some advice.  Thanks!!!


WILDTHING  9/23/01 Sunshine - Thank you for your posting - I searched every page on this website and found you!  I too am struggling with sex, and feel SO alone.  I know it is a normal marriage thing, but I feel that it is amplified in this situation.  My husband has 500 women in the parish who have their adoring eyes on him each Sunday and many of them would be more than willing to meet his needs.  I am a 34 year old with 3 young children - I am tired all the time, entertain parishoners as much as possible, put on my happiest smile at church and church events, my house is clean and children are happy, and he complains that he is not happy with our sex life.  I have sex with him, but he has this "ideal" of what it should look like.  I am barely coherent at night with exaustion.  A trip alone for a WEEK was cancelled because of the terrorist attacks - it was my only hope of great uninterrupted intimacy and I am more discouraged than ever.  He was willing to see a counsellor with me, but now he thinks he can handle it.  Now I know I just can't measure up and I feel so discouraged. Sex is not a priority for me, but I know he needs it...I can relate... any one else with answers?  Please don't tell me to just submit...I do that and he just wants more intimacy and what I give him just isn't sexy enough.  He is a great man and I love him - this better be an anonymous web site!


klo  9/23/01 I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone would WANT to be a pastor's wife. I have been one for 25 years. He wasn't a pastor when I married him. Otherwise I wouldn't have married him. I do not sing in the choir, play the organ, teach Sunday school or dress anything like "THEY" would have me do. My children have grown up--thank God they are out of here. Actually my 22 year old daughter is trying like crazy to get out of this stinking town. He has been pastor here for 18 years. THEY have tormented my children so bad that my daughter actually ended up in a psyche ward for a few days. If I had my life to live over, I would have swallowed a gun when I turned 16.

sisdonna  9/26/01 I feel for you.  I know how heartless a congregation of so called "Christians" could be.  Being a Pastor's wife is DEFINITELY not a walk that I would choose. The difference is that we were "chosen" to this most honored position. My children are teenagers now and have already sworn that they would never marry a person in minstry because of all they have seen my husband and I go through in 25 years of ministry.  I have been accused of committing adultery, of being a lesbian and every other kind of atrocity you could imagine. I too have shared this ministry with my husband for over 22 years.  It hasn't been an easy walk, but take heart my sister - there is a crown in glory waiting for you as well as a place on the Father's throne - Rev. 3:21 If there's anything that I have learned from the World Trade Center attacks of which I am directly reminded of each day because I pass Ground Zero daily - is that this life is very short and we must make every opportunity to share Christ with whomever will listen.  Seeing and smelling death all around me is an awful thing.  When you say you'd rather have swallowed a gun, I hope that you don't really mean that.  Death is FINAL...No turning back... No second chances.  Young CEO's and exectutives (not much older than 16) are DEAD now!  Or disintigrated from the flames.  Would you really have chosen death rather than the position beside your husband?  I hope that you will reconsider those words. And I hope that I am not discouraging you all the more, but I feel for the sake of the new women called into this position, there needs to be an opposite response to your letter so they don't give up before they even get started in ministry.  We need strong women to uphold our new Pastors in this awful world. You have been bestowed a GREAT honor and you WILL be blessed for your sacrifices. Hang in there and your dear family will be added to my personal prayer list.

moli  9/29/01 my dear i understand your frustration, but you are not unique and nether are your problems, be careful that a root of bitterness does not spring up and defile many. God is good and He is alive, and i dont care what we as PW have to go through in order to fulfill this calling - GOD IS WITH US - HALLELUJAH



mixedemotions  9/26/01 I am so glad that this site is available. I hope this will be posted soon and that someone will please respond and help me!!! I have been a pastor's wife for about 6 years. my husband was already pastoring there when he married me. (that's another whole set of issues) But during the time I have been his wife. I have given my full support and been the perfect, submissive supportive wife. I have expected some honor or emotional from my husband but I don't get it. I have tried to talk to him about my needs several times over the years. He either get offended or makes light of the situation and does nothing. I try to tell him that there are times when I need his support, his reassurance and just to feel him near. But he tells me I'm emotional or he will say things to other people later like "I know what my wife needs but sometimes I just don't want to give it to her because I am stubborn." He even tells me at times that I tell him all these things because I want to control him and he is not going to be controlled by a women. I am presently at my wits end. I have two small children, I work full time, and I am presently working on my Master's Degree. I attend all services, I try to conduct myself according to Proverbs 31-Virtuous Woman. But I'M TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm tired of being last on the list, I'm tired of not being emotionally satisfied. (although when we are around people he acts as though I am important and he actually has a conversation with me but at home we hardly say 5 words to each other, then when we get in bed he wants to have sex but I don't want it then.) I quess what hurts the most is I sit in numerous counseling sessions with other husband and wives and hear all the wonderful, godly counsel he gives them and my heart breaks because I wonder why can't he treat me like that-why won't he love me like Christ loves the church. And the other thing is if anytime anyone needs him from the congregation he is there. He is always so accomodating and so thoughtful to others and his 'friends'. I have prayed, I've read the book the Power of a Praying Wife,I have tried to talk him but I'm soooooo tired. Right now I'm struggling because I want to please God with all my heart...but I want the hurt to go away. I wish I could just seperate myself from him emotionally. I always said I never wanted to be in a marriage where I just went through the motions. I feel numb, helpless, confused, angry, frustrated.  Please somebody help me!!! I don't want the enemy to have any victory.

pastor's wife 2  9/28/01  dear heart, i commend you on your great strength and perseverence. the feelings you have are soooo familiar to me. our situations seem almost identical. i am also working a full time job and working on my master's degree. he has three kids (who lived with us) and i have one. and he always wants homecooked meals on a daily basis. and then expects me to attend church two or three times a week. i too delt with the fact that he was always there for everyone else and not me. and i never understood how he could counsel so many families and neglect the one he had at home. especially with as much as i was giving. and the sex, get out of here! i've always had a high sex drive, but he who wasn't responding to my needs. it literally begins to wear you out. like yourself, i never wanted to go through the motions of marriage. but this is what i discovered about my husband. although he had been previously married for 16 years, their relationship had long since deminished. they were actually just two people cohabitating in the same house. he sought comfort in the church. so his members were used to have easy access to their pastor. it became habit for him to be there and tend to the needs of others even though things weren't right at home. this made things a hard for us. just as you did, i would always talk to him about taking care of home first. i would have to constantly remind hime that he was married and his family should be considered in decisions that he made. i always felt last on his priority list. it was excrutiatingly hurtful. it didnt take long for me to become very tired (emotionally, physically, and sspiritually). there's no feeling like it. and i'm willing to bet that my husband is twice as stubborn as yours. i discovered that no matter how much i ranted and raved on, until he was ready to move, there was no moving him. so i say to you first, dont frustrate yourself any more by trying to talk to him. stay in the word and confide in god about it. there's no punishment like the one god can give. he knows how to get through to a man, like no one else can. dont allow bitterness to build up. because then you start treating him like he's treating you and nothing is accomplished. love him through the mess. books are a good source of inspiration and motivation, but seek strength from god. if he's a man of god, he knows that he's neglecting you and he will be convicted one way or another. take care of yourself. when the woman falls, nothing in the home works as it should. take long walks, hot baths, long drives. even a weekend getway....you would be surprised what it can do. spend time building yourself up. there must be balance in your life. dont let life run you. take control of your life. you only get to live it once. trying to be superwoman wont last. something has to give. it was a very hard conversation to have with my husband because i knew that he expected so much, but i told him those exact words. did he take it well? not hardly. i told him he couldnt compare me to anyone else in the church because no one was doing everything that i was. my classes are in the evenings. on those days i dont cook. there are certain days during the week that i clean up. and i no longer try to attend everything at the church. although the man is the head, the woman is the backbone. when satan can overcome you, he's got the home. but the bibe says, we're more than conquerors. god doesnt put any more on us than we can bare. know that everything you go through, you dont go through just for you. your life is testimony for someone else. put your faith in god and live each day knowing that trouble don't last always.......it's very apparent that you're a strong woman. i pray for your continued strength. take care.



littlelamb  9/26/01 Praise the Lord! My question  is can you help?  I reacently feel that I maybe WE  don't have enough time in the day to do all that has to be done for the church.  I work outside of my home, my husband is recently looking for a job to help out.  He doesn't get paid for being a Pastor which is ok with us, but even him not working right now, I still feel that I don't do as much as I should in the church.  I plan one thing (to visit a sister or take her a gift) but hardly get to fulfill my desire and feel there is not enough time in the day to do what I should do.  Please help.


Gale  9/26/01 I am a PW and I am currently doing my BRE.  I have a 20 - 30 page paper to do and my topic is "What are the struggles the Pastor's family face and how do they overcome them".  I have to prepare a survey and also do some interviews.  I am wondering if any of you wives would be interested in participating.  When the paper is completed I will be emailing or mailing a copy to every participant.  No names will be mentioned.  If you are interested please email me asap.  Thank you and God bless.  Our role is very important in the ministry.  Let's continue to prayer for each other.


Sharon  9/27/01 As many of you, I also am so glad I found this website.  It's so nice to know that I can talk to others that understand.  I am a PK and am now a PW.  My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years.  We have a great relationship but I have recently run into a hardship.  We just moved to this location 4 months ago and have been at our new church for 3 months.  I am having a hard time adjusting to this new place.  The people are nice but there really aren't many people my age that I can become friends with.  What makes it worse, at our last church there were a lot of people our age and I had many friends with whom I could talk to, go to lunch with, share in their joys and sorrows and I knew they would do the same for me.  Now, I don't have anyone to talk to and I have become somewhat melancholy and every time someone thinks there is something wrong with me they ask my husband about me instead of asking me about me.  How am I supposed to make friends if the people won't even bother to talk to me?  To throw in another kink in the chain, my melancholiness has made me less attractive to my husband and my sex life is not fulfilling.   I have a high sex drive whereas my husband does not.  It's difficult enough to have sex on a regular basis and now this.  My husband really brought this to my attention last night and I'm glad he did.  I was beginning to think he didn't want me at all.  Now I know that I need to change my attitude.  How can I do that when I don't feel accepted and wanted?

wildthing  9/28/01 Sharon, I recognize your struggle with finding and developing meaningful relationships as a PW.  I am a young woman too, and my husband is serving in a parish of mostly older families and senior citizens.  I have found wonderful fellowship OUTSIDE the parish and great friendships with women who are not involved in our church.  My husband is NOT their priest, therefore, I am more able to be myself around them.  I have involved myself in other ministries outside of the church, along with ministries inside of the church.  I attend a bible study with women my age at another church - it is great, and some of them do not even know what my husband does for a living!  The pressure is off,and I can just be a part of the group - as "normal" as possible!  It takes work to establish these relationships, but I have found them more fufilling than any relationship with a parishoner.  Have fun!  Email me if you'd like!



Marie  9/28/01 Faith, thanks so much for the words of wisdom. I have been homeschooling my 3 kids and haven't had a chance to write back. We are still receiving the weekly newsletter to the church I mentioned and the pastor's wife continues to spread lies and rumors about me. Even to the point where women in the congregation are starting to notice her vindictiveness. We aren't attending, but have had
friends there inform us of what she's been saying. I guess they finally saw the light! Praise the Lord!!! My question is this: How do you keep the smile on your face or not get upset when people abuse you and are out and out hateful???? For the life of me, I cannot wear a poker face and I am wondering how you can remain polite and face these people after they've been so hateful!! I honestly don't get it! I am trying to understand, but would appreciate help from someone... anyone???? I am sick over all of this and wonder how to deal with confrontation in the group! I am good at running away! Fight or flight syndrom. I know the Lord wants me to simply stand and not back down, but I am scared! How do you stand up to people and still remain sweet and "Christian"???


moli  9/29/01 I know the joys and the sorrows of being a PW, but i would like all of us to look at all things in the light of God and His Word. He never promised any human being a bed of roses, on the contrary, he said that we as christians are called to a life of suffering. Jonh 6:33 BUT he said that IN HIM, we will have peace. The peace that is not dependant on husband. congragation, the children, friends etc..  We as PW see all the negative side of this life, but have you ever thought how the doctors wife may feel? lonely nights and days, he is always on call, etc. and think of other professions as well
everything as is pros and cons. I just think that we must try as much as possible to handle things in the Lord, and look outside of ourselves instead of focusing on all the negatives. YES problems there are many, but my father, God's Word says that He is far greater than any litle problem, that may look so big to overcome. 1 Jonh 4:4  says that greater is He that IS in you, than he that is in the world (trying by all means to destroy your life).


copastor  9/29/01 Hello Ladies !!!!!! I am doing just fine now.... I have a New struggle It's with my teens, they are very rebllious Pastor Is away from the home so much and when he's here, he feels I am to strict on the teens. They all attend church . It feels Like I am a Single Parent because dad is busy being a Friend to them. HOWEVER-----I Am still Standing On God's Word NO MATTER!!!!

Sharon  10/1/01 I admire you for standing your ground with your teens.  Keep up the good work.  I am not a parent yet but I work with teens in a disciplined field and I can tell you that they need boundaries.  If all they have are friends instead of parents they will not have the respect for you as they should.  It may not seem like it, but your teens will respect you (and probably already do) for sticking to your ground.  You may not know about it for years to come but you can rely on God's word; train up a child in the way of Lord and when he is older he will not depart from it (paraphrased). As for Pastor, you need to sit down with him and discuss this.  My husband and I have already been discussing what we will do or not do when we do have children.  You must have a plan, one that both of you can agree on.  First, pray about it together.  Ask that God would show you how to handle your children together and ask for a clear plan.  Then, right that plan down and when you agree that it is finished share it with your children.  Kids are far more likely to follow someone or something when they understand why it is there and not just because they hear "because I said so".  Be sure they understand that you are doing this because you love them and for their protection.  After you have shared with your teens give them a chance to discuss it with you.  They might have some really good ideas of how you can help them and in return they will probably come up with ways that they can help you.  Don't underestimate your teens, just give them a chance to develop and grow up.  Not all at once, but little by little.  You'll find that they will respect you more and are more willing to listen to you when you listen to them.  Above all, bathe everything in prayer, your husband, your children and you.  As I said, I'm not a parent yet, but I had wonderful parents for role models and this worked with my sisters and me.  I will be praying for you.



littlelamb  10/1/01 Praise The Lord!!  Sisters I have a problem  have been dealing with for a year!.Our church recently went through a division,  our expastor for 8year decided to leave our church,  the main reason was cus his teen 17yearold married son living with him (also a musician at the church) decided to moon two of our young ladies from the church,  The Dad of the girls also  Minister brought it to the pastors attention.The pastor left the church saying the lord was calling him to pastor at another church 30 miles away.  never told the church, he just simply stopped going,  The other minsters called up a meeting with him.His excuse was that the church was always pounding on his family,(why cus he would not live what he would preach.)  any way he left the church said lies about the congregation and took about 4 families with him,  Being from a very small town we had build our old little church on one of the members acres out of the country, we then bought the next acre to build a bigger curch which is in construction at the momment.The main problem is that he got that one member on his side and took the old little church from us and started having his church services there.  we continued to work on the new building,  but it is very hard to invite unbelievers to Christ when there is two churchs the same denomination only about 75 feet away.  I pray for our old pastor but feel so hurt when I see him.  I know that I shouldn't feel that way now that the congregation has selected my husband as their pastor, gong on one year on Oct 8,01.  Please pray for me, I asked the Lord, to help me forgive our old pastor but its really hard when he is giving us (The Lord) a bad name.  the people say why is there two church's right next to each other and believe the same, why cant you all worship God together?  Many souls are being lost because of this type of testimony.  Pray that the Lord give me the the strenght and the knowledge of how to react every time I see.  I am very hurt,  we had moved out of town before this happened and he pleaded with us to come back and help him with the Youth, then he turns around and leaves us.  I dont understand why he wanted us back just to leave us.  Lord Forgive me I know that I should forgive 70x7!! Any advice I could use some.


Melissa  10/1/01 I was shocked to plug in "pastors' wives" in the search box and find so many sites!  Fantastic that you have created such a wonderful and available support system. I am currently dating a youth pastor and the possibility exists that I may one day be a youth pastors' wife.  Any knowledge you can share about expectations, sacrifices, rewards and daily struggles would be greatly appreciated.  I'm not looking so much for expectations from the pastors side but more from a congregational view.


Teresa  10/4/01 I was surfing the web and stumbled onto your site. I am a pastor's wife, but do not feel I have encountered real hardships because of it because my husband is not the senior pastor of the church.  I do know that one day he may be and that my quiet little world may change drastically.


heartbroken  10/9/01 My husband says he has been called to the ministry, and we currently are the pastoral family at a small church, where he has been given a generous salary and our living expenses are paid for.  However, my husband has always suffered with follow through problems.  He is not happy in his job, finds things to keep him busy, but does not meet many of his responsabilities.  We have always had problems with him finding so much to keep him busy that the children and I rarely see him, and I am not refering to his pastoral duties-second job, classes, hobbies,etc. and now he wants to go back to college full time.  I truely feel that it is not the correct decision, both because it would take him away still more from our 9 and 11 year olds, and because if he considers himself too busy for us and for parts of his training and work now, how can it possiably be the answer to move half way across the county, leave our family and friends, both have to work full time just to make ends meet, in order for him to start another time in a process of training that he has failed time and time again to follow through with.  I feel so trapped by his "God tells me what to do, It's not about you." attitude.  I want more than anything to follow God's will, and yet I feel that God has given me the wisdom and lack of peace to see that this is not what to do. He has already failed to be father to his own children, how much more will this be true if he is working and going to school full time - again.  I need prayers, I need wisdom, I need help!

wildthing  10/17/01 Your husband has to get his PRIORITIES straight, and he needs someone else to tell him this besides you (obviously he is not listening to your counsel right now for whatever reason.)  Find men - Godly men who you know he respects who ARE NOT IN YOUR CHURCH to talk with him - confront him.  Maybe men of another denomination or other pastors.  Have the "I'm Third"  Motto:  God First, FAMILY and others second, and I'm third.



Just His  10/9/01 Would someone please pray for my husband and I? He is thinking of starting a storefront ministry and is concerned that other pastors in our area will think he is proselyting. We prayed
and felt the Lord leading us into this. My husband and I have encountered several people that are not happy in their current churches and we've encouraged them to seek the Lord. We felt that the lives we touched would be ex-drug addicts, ex-alcoholics and the "down and outers"! We have been called crazy and told we were "going too far". Strange, I thought Jesus ministered to the same type of people. How can we not offend these other pastors??? We don't have any desire to "steal sheep", we just want to help the people that are out there hurting. Could anyone give us some advice??? Thank you. Just His.

sisdonna  10/17/01 Dear sister, praise God that you are being led to minister to the "down and outters".  Have you thought that maybe you should link arms with organizations that deal with people who are having problems in the area of alcohol and drugs?  Teen Challenge is one such organization that is always looking for help.  Sometimes it's difficult to start a ministry such as this by yourself.  Better to get experience and know how from a ministry that has a great success rate and then if the Lord leads, you'll be prepared to move out on your own in the future.  Just a thought! Here are a few #'s to help you depending on where you are located in the U.S. - Ohio: 513 - 248 - 0452  PA: 215 - 848 - 9495   Brooklyn, NY: 718 - 789 - 1414    W VA:  304 - 547 - 9280   Best Wishes to You!

moli  10/28/01 I agree totaly with sisdona, and by the way Teen Challenge is a wonderful ministry.  We also work with " down and out" people for 10 years already, and we use some of the programs of Teen challenge. they are great. It is a difficult type of ministry and i agree that you should get some experience first. i hope it works out for you.



jo  10/10/01 Ok today I am tired and crabby.  and my poor dear husband can do nothing right.  The hardest thing for me as a pastors wife is that I know all the ins and outs of people and just need to grin and nod when I am told things.  people people people there are times that i think the world would be a much better place with out people.  Thank the Lord that He taught me from a young age how to observe and keep my best poker face and say not a word.  I look back at my life and think everything that I went through and learned was to put me in this place now.  My choice No. Gods choice yes and well He never promised me a easy life when I trusted in Him with my life and soul.  In school today I taught about columbus and how he wanted to get to china soo he went west to get to the east and after 4 tries he was old and did not do what he wanted to do.  But, did you ever realize that if it was not for this great man we would not be where we are.  Columbus set out to see China and the Lord had him find north america.  The funny thing is that he never realized how great his failures in his eyes are to us.  remember that when you think that God is giving you a huge detour that well later on it might be the best thing He could have done.  Life is hard and being a pastors wife is just a bit harder.  Yet I need to remember that God has me on His road and it is a tough one yet who better to travel with?  Don't get me wrong I am still human and have my people problems.  Mostly when they are critical about my husband.  like that was a bad sermon what were you thinking.  you do not support me.  I need to talk to you NOW.  and well I am sure you can fill in the rest.  still tired not as crabby and well thanks for letting me talk.  I needed it.


Christina  10/11/01 Hi Sisters in the Lord. I'm so glad I came across this page. I 'm looking for Pastors wives that would like to email me to share what the Lord is doing in your church.Not only that things you face as a PAstors wife. I'm 28 years old.We have been Pastoring here in this church for 4 years now and youth Pastored before that. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Blessings to all Pastors wives.


Janina  10/13/01 Every time I try to do something in the church I get knocked .  Discouraged.  By my husband, the Pastor.  He worries about what the people will say, because they always say bad stuff about me anyways.  I was soo active at first.  (3 years) Then the MEETING came, and all the people there, DISSED ME BAD, said that Pastors wives should just sit on the pew and look pretty.  My husband did not stick up for me.  I ran out of there, and didnt go back for a couple of months.  When I did, I dropped EVERY ministry I did.  Youth, piano, whatever. Now 3 years later I can get over it.  I fear doing anything, and if I look for husbands supposrt, I think hes scared someone will knock me again, so in his own way, maybe he thinks hes protecting me. Whatever.  They dont show him any respect either.  We have never even took a salary and both work full time jobs in additon to pastoring.  Sometimes I just hate that church, sometimes I dont.  I dunno.

Sharon  10/16/01 Janina, don't give up.  God has a plan for you and I think you know that.  If God calls you to minister in a certain area like youth, playing instruments, etc., then that's what you need to do.  It is strange (to me) that your church thinks a pastor's wife should just sit and do nothing.  Most places I've been in contact with seem to think the opposite.  They either think the pastor's wife should be involved with everything or some actually have the right idea and know that the wife will serve in the areas God has called her to serve in.  You are trying to serve God, don't let other people prevent you from serving.  Pray that God will open a door for you to serve.  Maybe in just a small way to begin with and as the people realize that you are simply following God's will they won't object.  They shouldn't object to anyone who is willing to serve the church.  Most churches usually have to beg people to get involved and be committed.  As for your husband, he should have stood up for you.  I believe that is his duty not only as a pastor but also as your husband.  You need to sit down and talk about this with him if you have not already.  Let him know how you feel and how you felt that night.  Help him understand the things you need from him and ask him what he needs from you.  Discuss it and come to an agreement, under God's authority, of how you can help each other.  Be sure to bathe everything in prayer; not just you by yourself but you and your husband together, and wait for God's perfect timing.  God bless you and know that I am praying for you.

Teri  10/16/01 Janina, get help.  It's the best thing you can do for you and your marriage.  Find a christian counselor and seek help.  You need to sit down with your husband and talk, really talk about how you feel and in the presence of a counsellor is one of the best gifts you can give your marriage.  An outside view of your situation will give insight and oportunity to express what needs to be said.  I too had a situation where my husband did not support me and let me be attacked.  Without God's help and a commitment to open communication, I'm not sure I could have survived that.  It wasn't till after a tremendous accident my husband had and having to deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, that we spent some time in counselling.  Having someone from outside our lives take a more objective view on our marriage, how we deal with anger, stress and our relationship, did our marriage ever really come together.  No, life has not been perfect, in fact the "stabbing me in the back" incident happened a year later, but foundations were layed to open the door to communication and especially to "listening" to what our spouse is saying and feeling.  Above all else, God has called Pastors first to be husbands and fathers, the church takes precidence after that.  His first accounting to God will be for his family, then the flock.  It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of issues, and churches will always be dishing out something at one time or another, so get help and healing for yourself and your marriage.  God will be looking at what you have done there first.  Next, find a way to use your spiritual gifts.  Remember the parable Jesus told of the talents in Matthew 25:14 - 30.  Perhaps you need to get out of that situation for a time of healing, I don't know, but you need to feed your situation with much prayer and wise counsel.  Call everyone you know who will be a support and get them praying.  In every place we are God is teaching us something, figuring out just what that is, is the hard part.  Remain faithful to be a godly wife and support your husband, but is definately time to take action.  Be strong and courageous.



EverHischild  10/16/01 I have written a couple of times before. Both times , my husband and I were going thru very hard times with our first church. We are still struggling but somehow I feel we have turned the corner. I don't know if the people are doing that much better or whether we have learned to walk more by faith and less by feelings. We are very young in the ministry (not in years) and looking back we can see where we made some mistakes in striving to lead. But I believe that the Lord is trying to teach us to be more consistant and less up and down. And we have certainly learned a lot in that area.  All I know now is that I love the Lord with all my heart. And I believe that time is drawing to a end rapidly. It is time to quite the inner friction in the church and be about the work he has set before us. And I believe he is talking to every born again Christian not just to ministry. There are hurting people who are looking for God. We are "all" called to preach the gospel. Either behind a pulpit or thru the way we live our lives. We cannot live anyone's life but our own. Each of us is responsible for the way we live before God. No matter what is going on in your ministry, it is totally separate from your relationship with God. That comes first. It will always come first. We must committ to Jesus. He will take care of all the rest of it. Amen?


holding strong  10/23/01  Hello everyone.  I am so thankfull that I have stumbled onto this site.  I have read your meassages and have been encouraged by tham all.  I am a new pastor's wife of about a year and a half.  I have been wrestling with trying to be my ideal of a pastor's wife and having a rough time of it.(Who Would have guessed?!) Anyway, I a few situations I hope someone can help me with.  Mine and my husbands backgrounds are not what one would consider ideal.  He has been divorcd twice due to infidelity and I have been divorcd once.  My last spouce was not willing to save our marriage.  With that said, My husband has experienced a few problems with elder pastors in our denomination.  We are currently the youth pastor at our local church and have the support of our senior pastor.  I know my husband has ben called to the ministry and I have accepted the responsibility of supporting him. I can't help but feel that he is being held back wrongly.  I realize there are certain things that are required and I couldn't agrre with them more.  However, I do not feel that it is right for man to stand in the way of God's calling. I am ashamed of my resentment toward this situation.  I know that our mentors are only trying
to do what they feel is right in God's eyes. I just don't see how holding someone back from thier calling and direction form God is helping to further God's kingdom.  There are so many lost souls out there who need to be reached and I just want to fullfill God's will for my life as well as my husbands.  I pray each day for God to use me as he sees fit and I try to keep my light shining as bright as ever.  No matter what the future holds I will continue to serve my God in every way possible to reach all those who are hurting in our world.  I hope there is someone who has experinced a situatuion like this or something similar.  Sorry my message was so long, I guess when you lay out your burdens you loose track of time.  Thanks for the chance to talk.  May God Bless you all and enrich your ministries.

Unnamed  11/2/01 Be submissive to your elders. There are reasons they are holding you back.  Being divorced in our organization is a reason to be held back, you have to show proof that there was a Biblical reason for divorce (adultery).  Often times, regardless of your background, there has to be a proving time.  You can still minister by win souls, teaching Bible studies, etc.  That is a sure way to prove you are sincere.

Anonymous  11/11/01 I understand exactly what you are going through. Just remember that the Lord is
merciful and He is forgiving. My husband and I, too, have been through divorces before our marriage.
The Lord can work through anything. Not wanting to upset you, but did you all ever think about changing denominations or even becoming inter-denominational. My hubby and I did that and have not had to deal with all the condemnation from the denomination we used to belong to. You have to do what the Lord calls you to do. One day you will stand before His Throne and have to answer to Him how you handled the "talents" He gave you. Read the story of the talents and the 3 servants over again. You will find it most interesting and applicable to your situation! The Lord will deal with the men that are attempting to hold you back as well, but you won't have to answer to them! I know how rough it is to leave your group and strike out on your own. It can be quite scary and intimidating, but the rewards are unbelievable and we have found such a peace in our hearts in our decision to obey God and not man! In the end, you will answer to the Lord and not those elders! My blessings and prayers are with you!



Debbie  10/25/01 I am teaching a class at a Pastor's Outreach Convention on "Reaching Out Through Parsonage Hospitality.  I would like some ideas from other Pastor's Wives that would be helpful. I want to help our women understand the importance of the parsonage being 'open' as far as having people in for meals for fellowship. Also the fact that the parsonage doesn't belong to them and our obligatioon to keep it neat and clean. We are also faced with a problem of some parsonage famillies having pets and ruining homes because of them. One other thing I want to stress to them is that we must allow our people to see us as we live daily, and the fact that we are 'human'. Some ministers are opening their homes for Bible Study to completely unchurched neighbors and friends as an outreach tool. WHat is your thoughts on this?  All of us feel inadequate to do entertaining in our homes, but after 24 years in the parsonage myself, we have always found it to be an invaluable tool to reaching out and getting to know our people as well as new people.

Unnamed  11/2/01 We do not live in a parsonage. Thankfully most churches in our denomination have gotten away from this.  Pastors and PW need their own homes for several reasons. One of them is home should be a haven for the pastors family. The church should respect that and not just "drop by," whenever they feel like it. Another reason is income tax, and still another is that it is a good investment. What if something happens to your husband and you live in the parsonage? You are left without anything. If you own a home, you can continue to live there or sell it and move elsewhere.  If the church has a parsonage it should be like the White House. The current occupant has free reign with decorating.  This is the PASTORS HOME - don't tell him what he can and can't do in his home.  Thankfully our denomination is not like a lot of others (at least that's what I get from reading these posts).  The church does not "own" the pastor. He is the shepherd of the flock. BUT the PW does attend every service and is involved in the church.  To those who say they don't attend or attend unwillingly - that blows me away. No wonder you are unhappy.  Before my hubby has accepted the pastorate of a church he makes sure they understand we are a package deal (hubby, wife and kids).I feel if God calls US (when you married him you became ONE) to a place, He will equip us and help us to be happy, but we have to submit to God and have a consecrated prayer life.  I Love pastoring, I cannot imagine doing anything else.  Yes, I work outside the home (this year is hte first time in several years, since I homeschooled our children until they graduated). I have worked part time as an editor for a publishing company - from home for several years. now I do that and teach school too (25 jr high and high school students every day - with a 40 minute (or more) commute each way).  Plus I operate a puppet making business from home.  I am the Children's Ministries director at church, and we travel teaching workshops and seminars and speaking at conferences.  yes I am busy - but the rewards are Eternal! And I Love it because I love Jesus. I do everything as unto HIM.



Chandra  10/27/01   I guess I have a question. My husband has been Pastor of a church for the last ten years and I do not the church at all. The people make me fill uncomfortable at all times. We have tried counseling and we have spoken with other Pastors. But my feelings have not changed. I've tried to be active but that did not work for me. SO  now I attened Sunday School and Service and that is it. I'm praying someone can help me because I can't handle the situation any more. I am tired of being unhappy on Sunday's I am now at the ponit asking for divorce because I can cope with him or his people at this church. My husband is a wonderful man and as Sweet as he can be but I can stand to be around him as long he is Pastoring the Church. I know that sounds harsh but those are feelings and I need and want someone to help me through because I'm ready to give up. The things that these people have done to me are awful and I have know desire to be in their presence at any time. My husband and I have talked over and over again and he say's that he knows without a doubt that God want's him to stay there at this time. And he say's he will stay until he is sure God wants him to move. So my Question is where does that leave me?. For the past 5 years I know and he know's that I cry every Sunday  because I do not want to be there at all. And at the same time he does not want to leave and go back to my home church. I am so tried of being upset about this. Can someone please help me or least offer me some type of hope that things will be better! I'm praying for someone to please!please! just help me a word or a prayer.


PWnomore  10/27/01 Hello sisters in Christ, after 20 years of a fruitful ministry, my husband resigns tomorrow at a special meeting in the evening, effective immediately. My heart is broken over so many things that I can't bear it. He has had an affair just this year. I can't believe that the man whom I have trusted and has been a loving, devoted husband for 29 years would do this to his family and his flock. Please pray for us. We're not sure where we go from here but we know it's out of the ministry. I know God has planned a future but I'm so devasted and numbed sitting here tonight. I just feel like I'll never recover in some ways and I feel soooo alone. Just had to speak up and say SOMETHING. Thank you for your prayers.

EverHischild  11/8/01 I am so sorry for all the hurt you have been thru. My husband and I have been thru a real struggle in our first church of 3 yrs. also. No I have not been thru the personel sorrow you have experienced but I do hurt as well. My husband is wanting to give up his church and just preach every once in awhile. I am so concerned about him getting out of the ministry. But after much prayer, the Lord assures me that we can always minister no matter what our role is in life. I pray that you and your husband can heal the hurt in your marriage and when you reach the end of this valley, you will be closer to the Lord than you have ever been. I pray that both of you realize that God still loves you and will find a place for you to minister to others somewhere. Do no loose your relationship with the Lord. No matter what comes or goes, your relationship with the Lord has to survive. You have to make it at all costs. I will pray for both of you. May the Lord touch you both with His Mighty Presence. God bless you both.



Preacherswife  10/28/01 I have been married for 18 years.  I have been with my husband for twenty one years.  We have 3 kids ages 10-20.(Dont try to interpet the dates, please) . Anyways we have, or shall I say HE has been pastoring for 7 years, first pastorate, and probably only one we'll ever do.  Small church, small town.  PROBLEM:My husband has always been very controlling.  He thinks he is responsible for everyone (mine and childrens) salvation..example:  If i say Oh My God...I am exhorted.  If I 'sin' he is my judge.  If I mess up, he is the one who accuses me.  I feel like my husband is the accusser of the brethren.  He can dish it out, but he cant take it. I have allowed this to a certain extent, I know, but Im at the point where I hate it.  Nothing is good enough for him.  If somethings out of place, in the house, he clicks his toungue, assigns the blame to the person who did it, and becomes the great almighty one who fixes it or puts it away.  I have had it up to here.  Now, if I set my coffee sup down, he may move it, and I am so defensive at this point I go into a fit.  LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE.  Worry about your own self and stuff. I have always, since I was sixteen, felt responsible for his happiness.  I always did things to make him feel good about himsel;f.  I have hid things that might upset him-MY BAD.....mistake...now as I have tried to get out of that mode, its taking its toll, as real life is hitting him.  People mess up, kids mess up, stuff gets spilt, things break, and its a teenagers responsibilty to test limits, so they can grow up.  I really dont like my husband today, and cant bare to look at him.
Overall, we love each other, he doesnt drink,cheat, cuzz, gamble, hit, punch...but he does scream, and yell, everyday, about something.  thats it in a nutshell, I cant stand his yelling, at all, anymore, not for another second.  WHAT CAN I DO??????


brokenhearted  10/30/01 i need your prayers and advice.i am a pastor's wife. w have been at our church for about five years. it is a struggle. about a year and a half ago i found out that my husband had committed adultery svereal times. it was an awful time in my life. i am still hurt over it. i do not trust my husband . we wen to counsleing, but did not finish. it seened like my husband keep coming up with all kinds of reasons not to go. we are still togetther and trying to work things out,but it is so hard.i find my husband very disrespectful ,he stays out late and says he is out trying to hear from GOD. i don't always believe him,but decided to turn him over to GOD. I DO.NT LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER IT ANY MORE BECAUSE I AM FIGHTING FOR MY PEACE. iam praying sabout seperating.please pray fr me and gve me any kind of Godly advice you  can. thank you and i am praying for all of you also.


Kim  11/1/01  I am really glad I found this sight!!! I really need someone to talk to and for reasons that you all know there is just really no one that I feel like would understand, or who wouldnt repeat everything I said.  I married my high school sweetheart (We have been married for the past 20 years)My husband was a teacher/coach for 15 years (somethning that he always wanted to do) After 16 years of marriage and 3 children (all boys ages 19, 8 our son with Down Syndrome and our youngest &) he decided to let me know that God had called him into the ministry.  My first response was the ever supportive wife of, "Well how long has he been calling?" To make a very long story he left his job took on a part time youth position and went back to school.  I worked to support us and about 6 months before graduation I lost my job.  Financially it has been very tough, but we have made it each month.  About a year a 1/2 ago
my husband was called to his first church.  It is an old established church (100 years old) It used to be a large church but had barely survived several splits.  The people that are there are an older congregation, that hired my husband to try and appeal to a younger age group. I am sure that some of you already know what I am about to say... They say they want to appeal to a younger set of people, but they really don't.  Only if the younger group will not bother them, not bring noisy kids not sing any praise music etc... The other problem that we have is that the secretary (Been there 25 years) and the treasurer (been there 10) think they run the Church.  They are rude, very resitant to doing anything differently.  (we probably should have run when we first got there, when I asked the secretary if they had a computer, and she very shortly told me we do things the old fashioned way and we like it like that!) They have made it so difficult for my husband to do his job.  (Refused to take out taxes on his paycheck, I could go on and on).  The secretary only has about 10 hours of work to do but gets paid for 25.  The rest of the time she spends sitting on the steps of the office, smoking and gossiping with whoever will listen. My husband has had no support from the personnel committee, because the two women have been there so long, there husbands are deacons and one of the husbands is on the personnel committee.  My husband is working with the new committee now and hoping to gain support o