The purpose of this page is to support and encourage pastor's wives.  If you are a pastor's wife and have a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion, please fill out the form and click submit.  Responses will be added later.  Let's help each other!

Please also submit for our future book.  We are also planning a book for and about pastor's kids.  Please check this out if you were a pastor's kid - or have your child give us ideas!

Rock Dove Home Page Our Products    "Copy Me!" Bible Quizzes    Devotions for Dog Lovers    Devotions for Hunters and Anglers    Self-Inflicted Hunting Arguments    Messianic Psalms    Hunting and the Bible    The Prodigal Pooch    Raccoon Hunting Basics Ordering     Secure Order Form     View Your Shopping Cart     Printable Order Form     How to Use the Cart Specials     "Litter of Ten" Special Our Boards     Pastor's Wives' Support Board    Pastor's Support Board    Raccoon Hunting Questions    Submissions for Pastor's Wives Book    Submissions for Pastor's Kids Book Pages of Interest to:     Dog Lovers     Pastors     Pastor's Wives     Hunters     Raccoon Hunters     Deer Hunters     Job Hunters Our Articles     Lonely, But Not Alone     About Tom Rakow     Barrie     "Special" Andy     Buck Fever     Confessions of a Poacher     How to Hunt Privately on Public Lands     Untangling Christmas Traditions     Raccoon Hunting Basics     Deer and Moose Hunting Pictures     Dominique's Column     Endangered Species?     Where's that Pointer Pointing?     The Prodigal Pooch     The Coat     A One-Eyed Squirrel Dog News Releases     Hunting and the Bible    "Copy Me!" Bible Quizzes

Item: Quantity: "Copy Me!" Bible Quizzes Devotions for Dog Lovers Devotions for Hunters and Anglers Self-Inflicted Hunting Arguments Hunting and the Bible Messianic Psalms The Prodigal Pooch The Rail Rider Sherry  5/1/01 Recently my two middle daughters have gotten into some trouble.  They have gotten in with a bad crowd.  My husband is a minister and is just sure that, although many many have shown their support, we are being looked down upon because of this.  Have any of you ever been found to have this happen to you?  If not, what can I do to help my husband realize that our ministry will not & should not be affected by this? Mrs. G  5/1/01 We are not perfect. We are striving for perfection. You or your ministry cannot be blamed for what your children do. And no one should be looking down on you. Sherry you don't have to answer to man. You just have to answer go God. Just pray about and wait on God for the answer. Members always think our children (pastor's children) are perfect. But they aren't.They are striving for perfection. Continue to look to the hills from where you help comes from. God is in control. He knows all and sees all. Be Blessed! Sydney  5/2/01 I sympathize with you! Your children are hurting for simply living in a fallen world I am sure you are hurting for them also. The church is hurting watching all this happen to them. No matter what they say how they act anything short of God's ways is because of of broken hearts of the seperation from God. Just remind people if they really care to pray instead of spray, to send a card instead of punish and to give a hug instead of  being smug, to give a shoulder to cry on instead of pointing out right from wrong. Hope this helps!

BB  5/3/01 I think alot of our problem is ego.  We want to serve God but we don't know how to let go and let God.  Don't you think He knows how to handle things better than we do?  I have never been 'burned-out' in an area in which God has called me.  I feel that all Christians should take on some responsibility in the church.  It's not that God needs our help -- It should be the fact that we are greatful for all He has done for us.  Mainly, sending his one and only son to die on the cross for someone who didn't deserve it. (I'll speak for myself on that one.)  All Christians are 'called' to some ministry in one way or another.  The first thing that the apostles did in the early church was to equip the new believers to go out and tell the good news.  We as Christians need to keep that in mind.  Married or not is not the issue.  The issue is are you willing to give yourself totally for Christ?  Is God really Lord over our lives?  Yes, we are human and we will make mistakes and feel human emotions but God is above all and over all.  It is not a question of sacrifice, Christ already took care of that. The "church" does not have the right to require their leaders to marry or remain celibate.  If we have been called to the ministry God is going to equip us and give us the supernatural strength that we need to carry out his work.  I've known pastors with many children that have carried out their work with now problem.  Why? Because they are totally dependent on God. Yes, they've had a child or two stray but they have allowed God access to every area in their life.  I am particularly concerned with the younger couples of today.  Unfortunately I can only speak of my personal experience.  Our group of young couples (ages 25-35) are completely run by their children.  Everything they do must first be 'approved' by their children.  If a child falls asleep on a Sunday evening and church time comes around, they will all stay home. If Dad has a cold and has to stay in bed on Sunday morning, everyone stays home.  This may sound a little harsh but think about it.  Could this be why the children of today do not take God's things seriously?  I guess I am from the old school and it's hard for me to understand.  Sometimes I sit and think and something rather ludicrous comes to mind.  I think about the situation that has played out on some TV shows, where one person saves another's life and the one whose life was saved feels like they 'owe' their 'savior'.  Finally the hero gets tired of being followed around and fussed over and sometimes even pretends that his life has been saved and 'now they're even.  Shouldn't we be that greatful to the Lord for what he did on the cross?  And shouldn't we realize that Jesus wants us to follow him around. He never gets tired of us.  Isn't that a refreshing thought?

singing4him  5/10/01 I chuckled a bit when I read your post.  We have the same thing happen at our church sometimes.  One of the kids are sick and EVERYBODY had to stay home.  It's sad, but you're right.  The kids grow up not taking God seriously.  They'll grow up with the same mentality as their parents.  I've never understood how people can be SOOO sick on Sunday and can't come  to church but they can get up and go to work all day on Monday.  They don't realize it but they are silently sending a message to their children.  I know that satan has a lot of folks blinded.  I can't stand missing church.  I mean even before my husband began pastoring and we were laypersons, I couldn't stand missing.  Our children haven't stood there wondering "are we going to church today?" Our lives are preparing children for their lifetime.  I've thought so many times if we really believe that we are not our own and that we've been bought with a price, we don't want to be our own.  We give our will over to God and submit every area in our life to Him.  It is time to get serious about our relationship with Jesus! :)

EverHischild  5/11/01 My husband started out as an evangelist. The only advice I can give you is to be yourself and love the Lord. You will have to learn to worship the Lord in different churchs. Seems funny, but we seem to get accustomed to our church and when we go elsewhere, we don't feel at home. But the Lord is the Lord no matter where we find ourselves. Just be yourself. Each church may be a little different but it is the same Lord. Also, never, never speak badly of another evangelist or another pastor. Never carry tales about church troubles. You will find that the pastor and his wife may confide in you because they feel that you will be gone and that gives them the freedom to open up to you. Never carry tales. Leave it in prayer. And one more thing. Your relationship with God is "totally" separate from your ministry. Your first duty is to keep your relationship strong. If it is strong, it does not matter what trials you may face in your ministry, you will make it. I pray that you and your husband are used in a mighty way for the Kingdom of God. God Bless.

Faith  5/11/01 I will be praying. My heart breaks for your congregation.  May the Spirit of the Living God overshadow each one of you.

Ruth  5/12/01 When I read your request I immediately began to pray for the families, church, and the Pastor.  My God is faithful and just and we don't always understand when such tragedy happens.  Please keep us posted on the other 8 critical.  With 12 women involved there are possible 12 Husbands and even more children.  We realize that the enemy comes to steal kill and destroy anything that is of God and is sold out for Him.  Saints of God let's pray that God's will be done and that we have the will to accept in Jesus Name.

SisDonna  5/15/01 Lord Jesus, We bring to you these 8 critically wounded women.  Father put your healing hand upon them and grant them total restoration.  For this Pastor and his wounded wife, we ask for comfort during this tragedy.  Nothing goes on without you noticing Father God so please hear this request and heal these ladies.  Lord for the families of the deceased we ask that your Holy Spirit will bring comfort and peace.  May we never lose sight of your sovereignty even in the roughest of circumstances.  In Your Holy Name we pray, Amen

Cindy  5/17/01 Wow...I'll be praying for you....I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak.  Your story is definitely my deep down fears surfaced....It's not that I don't trust him it's that I don't trust Satan and the power he can have over even the godliest of people.  I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts...... I unforunately don't have any suggestions or answers but please know that your sister in Christ will be praying for you.

Arms of Love  5/21/01 I think I can speak for everyone that you have all our love and support even though we are many miles away.  While I do not know what exactly to say, I want to say that we are praying fo ryou.  NONE of what has happened is your fault.  Your husband and this other woman have made very poor decisions and you did not.  People who make bad decisions usually shift the blame onto someone else and that's why they're blaming you.  If there were something you were doing that was bothering your your husband, he could have found a way to tell you about them and work it out.  So please refuse the guilt and shame that's trying to come upon you.  None of this was your fault.  I know you still love him.  I still loved my husband when he did the same thing.  And now by the grace and help of God we have a strong marriage - different, but very good.  If restoration could happen to us -even though it seemed quite impossible - it can happen to you and your husband.  "What God has joined together, let no man (or other woman)put asunder." I want you to know there's women who are standing with you.  We all love you and support you very much.

Ann  5/30/01 Thank you for your words of encouragement.  Some days are better than others.  I find it funny that he thinks I've changed since we got married.  Of course - I had our first child 10 months after we were married - had to be the responsible parent taking care of them while he attends meetings, goes on fun youth events and now I'm 40 years old not 24.  Then he tells me that everything we have is what I wanted.  We built our house ourselves - one he designed!  He has a 6 car garage filled with antique cars, 2 motorcycles.  Not exactly all the things I would pick out.  People at church have started to pay attention to some of the things going on and if they comment, he comes home and tells me I've been talking to them.  Funny how the rules for the past 16 years was that we didn't discuss personal problems outside of our house - basically to protect his image and yet he can sit and discuss everything with his secretary.  I pray to God every day and ask for his guidance.  It amazes me, the strengh he gives me to continue to love and support this man.  He was and still is my best friend.  Why does he think that he hasn't changed now that he is in his mid-forties?  Please continue to pray for us, let God open his mind so that he knows those that really love him arethe honest and devoted ones - I'm tired of being called manipulative.  I work a full time job, which I am very successful, attend all of my children's events, never miss a church function and yet I'm  the selfish one.  I don't remember the last time I did anything for myself.  If I don't go to a church event - I'm uncaring and don't care about other people.  Funny that's what the secretary said.  That she and my husband had the same goals - caring for others.  I'm not sure about the way they show it!  Thank you for letting me vent - I can't talk to any of my friends because they are members of the church and he thinks all I do is talk about him.  I'm too caring, proud and protective to ever do that.  I care too much for this congregation, him and my children.  Pray for healing for both of us.

anonymous  7/19/01 I read your post and I just can't emagine how painful it must be for you.  I think though that your husband needs to get serious councel and he must repent.  I know you love him but if he is commiting Adultery he should seiously step down. He's decieving everybody especially himself and for his own soul.  Don't let him shift the blame on you for his own sin. You cannot hide your sin, your sin always finds you out. So let him know that you are giving him the grace to repent and are even willing to take him back, but don't play along with him. I'd even go so far as to sack the secretary, but you need to realize that none of this is your fault, don't wear the lies, but start to put presure on him to repent, it will be the only thing that will save both of you.

Cindy  5/17/01 I am also new to the ministry.  One year now....I wasn't expecting it to be one of the roughest of my life but it has been.  Believe me I know how hard it can be to fend off the bitterness when it seems like you "have" to work at a job that you don't even care about....  I have been the "responsible" one in our marriage for many years now, first working a full time and a part time job to put my husband through college and now needing to work because the bills are still there but the pay in our church is not, as well as needing the health insurance.....  As the days pass, we do need to sit back and listen.... listen to God....what we do to support or husband's whether it be working, cleaning house, entertaining, or working with him in his office....we are doing it for God not for man....Each day that you are at work, you can reach someone for Jesus that your husband couldn't by being where he is and who he is.....Remember that God has a job for you and that is for you to be the best woman, mother, wife, and even a shepherd for Him.  Bless you Crystal.....I admire you for your desire to be in God's service with your husband but aren't you already in his service right where you are?

Abigail  5/18/01 Before I respond, can you be more specific about "always being the "responsible" one"?  I think that I know what you mean but I just want to make sure.

sr  5/18/01 My husband has pastored for 4 years now.  The first 2 years, he worked a full-time job and pastored.  I can tell you, that put a lot of strain on us as we have small children. He sacrificed time with his family.  He would work all day and then come home and go do his pastoring up until late at night and our children hardly saw him because he left for work before they got up and got back home at night after they had went to bed.  During the day, people would call me about things they needed to talk to him about.  So now I stay home with the kids, he is full-time pastor and things are a lot better.  He took a cut in pay, but thru much prayer we knew that it was God's divine will.  We've adjusted to things.  Ministry is not an easy job.  You depend on God for your directions.  I have found that I can either encourage my husband or discourage him.  Pray about whether to quit your job and be with him.  The Lord worked some impossible things out for us.  He can do the same for you.  Now I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Cindy  5/17/01 Are you raising your children in a Christian home?  If so, let them be the little persons that you are raising them to be....Unfortunately, sometimes kids embarass you....Maybe they will say or do something that you don't approve of but always let them know that you love them, but not their behaviour.  I do feel that the laypersons of our congregation need to know that pastor's kids get antsy and crabby also....they are human as well.... As far as the wages are concerned...Are you involved with a denomination that has a "suggested" wage.  Our denomination does but few churches follow it....I know financially it can be tough.....but hang in there, the eternal rewards are awesome, I hear...What is your husband's opinion of the wage?  Does he feel that he's getting paid "what he's worth"?I just recently found this page and I love it so far....Thanks to all of you that have shared your hearts with me and gave me a bit more insight.

Kerry  7/1/01 I was glad to read your input on this page.  My husband and I are transferring from a secular job to a church position also.  I have so many questions.  I was a youth pastor's wife for one year right out of college and now we are going back into ministry 9 years later.  We are very excited and are watching God open doors in getting us to this church.  God is Good...All the time...God is Good.  SOME DEEP QUESTIONS:  Do you think that sometimes pastor's wives are put on a pedastal and then expected to act a certain way and are not allowed to fail?  Do you think that sometimes our spiritual lives can falter because we are wishing we could keep up with their husbands spiritually and then can't and then give up...Then the pastor is so busy that the wives need to grow on their own...maybe missing sermons to work with kids and do not grow? So you think that a pastor's wife is an automatic "position"  in the church?  How much should I get involved in my new church?  I have 2 little ones and a home business.  They are not expecting me to do much.  They know that my kids are my first priority.  BUT  I want to get involved!  I want to love people,  I want to get involved in drama, and the children's ministry....(burnout for sure  if I do all of these.)  But if i don't get involved then I will feel  left out and if I do get involved I will do too much.  I am really interested to know what you all think!  Our current pastor just spoke on SELF LEADERSHIP.  He said that David had to stop and concentrate on his own spiritual, emotional state before he could lead.  He suggested that 50%  of our energy should be spent making sure we are leading ourselves...reading, praying etc.  I think a large part of that should be spent keeping a marriage strong and keeping bitterness, jealousy, envy, materialism, laziness out of our lives and marriages.  THIS IS SO COOL!  I am glad to have a support group here!  We move in 12 days to our new church.  I will continue to read the postings and see what you all have to say.  I am in agreement that we need a pastor's wives convention!

someonecares  5/22/01 Many people don't realize that support for your husband is not limited to attending church services.  You have a great responsibility raising small children and providing a pleasant atmospere at for him when he returns home.  I have found that making sure that there is a pleasant atmosphere at home helps my husband in his ministry.  While your children are small they require more of your time and you may not be able to attend every service.  Ask God to help you to balance and fulfull your ministry at home.  Your children won't be small forever and as they get older you will be able to attend more.  Support him as much as possible but don't get caught up in what people say. Your desire should be to please God and your husband.  If he wants you to be there for him when he ministers then make every effort to be there.  God will provide the opportunity.

Wife  5/28/01 I have always gone with my hubby to everything, even when the kids were small. They were 2 & 3 when we went to Africa.  Women who don't go with their husbands are asking for trouble.
Your place is with him.  Also - someone mentioned that you are to be his helper, etc. etc, and even his SHEPHERD.  Sorry but that is not scriptural.  I am surprised at women suggesting you go to another church, and the one who said your husband can';t be your pastor.  I totally disagree.  Honey - you married him, if God called him to pastor he is your pastor.  I think the lady is right. Ego is a problem.  Read the book I sugges in the paragraph about change.  To often the problem is not the congregation, it is us.

sisdonna  5/22/01 Depending on the type of problems you are having will depend on our response.  If they are serious does it concern infidelity? Financial? Is it attack from the congregation or just within your own 4 walls at home?  If you are Pastoring through an affiliated assembly, maybe you can contact some of the other Pastor's wives in your district and ask for prayer and advice.  Marriage is difficult under the BEST of circumstances. Ministry can take a lot out of a couple if they don't nurture their relationship daily.  Take time away on a romantic weekend or go out on a date together and just TALK.  You're only married 2 years and the rest of your lives together will depend on how you both handle these "newly wed" years together.  They are usually the most difficult!  If you feel free, be a little more specific as to what kind of problems you are facing.  Much love to you!

sr  5/23/01 Gigi, is the problems that you're having, have anything to do with your church or him being a pastor?  Sometimes the ministry can be very straining on a marriage.  You'll have all kinds of attacks from satan.  You're in my prayers.

mina  5/24/01 Without trying to sound judgemental, if you are the one who always walk out, it would be without your knowledge a kind of manipulation to get his attention. But one thing i have learent about a man. and that is if you leave, it is just comfortable for him, not having you nagging around about things. you do not give details of your problems, but all i can say is that the Lord is the only one who can get him to see how serious things are. after one year of my marriage i thought it was over, until the Lord taught me that my husband will not listen to me, but he will listen to  HIM. And i stop all attemps to make things right, complain, ask, beg, cry. And i started to intercede diligently for my husband. In the process i did learn so much about my wrong ways, and so much about God. There are still things that i am not happy about, but it is the Lord's burden not mine. You have been marries for such a short period of time, it takes minimum of 5 years to adapt and ot know each others ways, and learn to compromise and live with each other. if you want to go back, you ask him for forgiveness (it does not matter whos fault it was), and you do not make promises, but start living a life, that will without words make him see you and respect you for who you are. do not expect him to ask forgiveness, man are proud creatures, and the Lord must deal with him. Alwways remember that you are only responsible for your own responses. And do not do anything on feelings but on faith that is the right thing in God's eyes. Forgive me if in any way i sound judgemental. is not my intention, but i have been there. and decided that there is no way that satan will destroy my life, at least not through my own ands , in Proverbs it says that a foolish woman destroy her house with her own hands. do not be the foolish oe, trust in the almighty God with him nothing is impossible. love you, and praying for you.

Wife  5/28/01 You took him for better or worse.  As far as I can tell, adultery is the only scriptural reason for divorce.  Get home and work out the problems, don't run off everytime the going gets tough.  We have all been through hard times.  PRAYER will help you through any problem.  Read the book "What happens when Women Pray," and the sequel, "Lord Change Me."  As the pastor/pastor's wive you aren't setting a good example for the flock. God will give you whatever you need to handle any situation. Praying for you.

Helpmeet  5/29/01 Linda I can't say that I have been in the same situation such as this, but this too shall pass. It's amazing how certain races say that they want to unite with us but their actions are different. Our role as the Pastor's wife is just as important as theirs is. I know it probably hurts to be the only one of color there and be treated as such. When everyone realizes that heaven is not going to be divided into sections of race, I think people will have a different outlook on things. Remember the Lord will make a way of escape so that you can stand under it. God Bless and hold on a change is coming. For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus unto good works. Keep working for the Master.

abilgail  6/25/01  Linda, I think that you should let them know exactly how they have made you feel. I am a women of color and I speak openly to my co-workers and friends about race. I educate them. We are quick to say "and they call themselves christians" without taking into consideration that often it's just "a way of life." They have not been made aware of how they are acting. It may have just been something that was instilled in them at an earlier age. It's like an only child been expected to share when they have never had to. It's something that they must to be taught or made aware of. Pastors don't usually minister on race relations unless they have a mixed-congregation or a passion for it. This often leaves people ignorant; relying on what they've been taught, what they've heard or what they've seen (and the news media has done an injustice to people of color).  However, I'm sure there are some who are just plain racists. It's time for Christians to stop being silent. Tell them! And if they have truly received Jesus, they will repent and strive for change.  And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. Matthew 11:12

Louise  6/12/01 I can feel your heartbreak and I sympathize with you.  Doubts and suspicions can eat you up inside.  I can only tell you to grab hold of the Lord tightly and pray for open eyes and wisdom.  I know that God will take care of you no matter what.  Do you have children?  I know some of your pain first hand.  I will pray for you and your husband.  I ask you to do the same for me.  My husband has become so distant from me.  I pray God will protect both of our husbands.  They don't seem to realize  that these are attacks from satan.  He wants turmoil in our homes.  He wants distrust and pain.  I have dicided that I refuse to allow satan to mess with my family and I am going to fight against him with all I've got.  I had a long talk with the Lord yesterday and satan is not going to have my family.  I will hold yours in my prayers as well.  I think pastors get so involved in church problems that they close their eyes to problems at home.  For my husband it's just easier to leave and go down to the church.  I'll be praying for you.

Brownie  6/14/01 I've only recently discovered this website and ever since I read your story I've been praying for you.I pray that you are still hanging on.  Your husband's behaviour is entirely inappropriate for a pastor.(or for any married man)  Is he accountable to anyone ie elders or if no elders in your church are you part of a larger church organization? It's my opinion that someone such as elders should be told about these phone calls. They have a right to know and it would be their responsibility to deal with the matter. Your husband will need to see that he should make his behaviour open and honest for all to see. I feel for you - the suffering you've been through.Keep your heart trusting in the Lord Jesus - keep your eyes on Him -I pray you'll find strength from the Lord and that this time will pass - that your husband will realise the pain he has caused you and that your marriage will be restored -happy and whole again.I'm praying 2Corinthians 1:3-4 for you - that the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort will comfort you in your troubles. I pray that you'll find comfort from reading God's Word. Some years ago God helped me through a difficult time - he gave me these verses -Proverbs 3:21-26 -especially verse 24,25 & 26. Do keep hanging on -I'm sure others are praying for you too.  God bless you. Your sister in Christ.

Brownie  6/19/01 I am praying for you-as I read your post I felt for you as I know that couples can become distant from one another. I think it happens for a variety of reasons -work,busy-ness and also not taking the time to talk to one another.  You say your husband has become distant from you.Neither my husband nor I are very demonstrative however I have found that it is a good idea to make the effort eg give him a hug and kiss goodbye when he goes off to work in the morning and say you love him, or that you'll miss him. Also maybe mention that you feel that you have grown away from one another and would like to rekindle the old spark that used to be there. I'm thinking of practical ways that you can remind him that he has a wife  and that you  love him and care about him. Men do like to be made a fuss of -and I know you 've got children -so you're busy enough with them -but please my sister in Christ go the extra mile to win back your husband's affection and attention. I will pray that he will respond. You are doing the right thing taking it to the Lord. god bless you your sister in Christ, Brownie

jo  6/6/01 Hi sydney how is the church going and the decissions that you and your husband need to make?  You mentioned that in 5/29 that God is answering your prayers and people are coming along at your church and now you are saying that you are wanting to leave.  Is there a reason for this change?  I will be praying for you and that God will give you peace.

someonecares  6/7/01 You opened by saying that your heart was heavy after reading all the post, but you turn a little harsh.  I take that from your statement "just because you are pastors wives...." would mean that you are not a pastors wife.  If not then I will say that your post was very informing and the scriptures were encouraging, but you don't have a clue to what really goes on.  Of course the devil wants to attack the shepard to scatter the flock and what better way than to attack the wife to get to the shepard. You can't teach what you don't know and you can't lead where you don't go. If you are a pastors wife, I really can't understanding why you are not a little more compassionate.  It's easy to say what you would or would not do on the outside looking in, but inside, you know that being a pastors wife
is no easy task. It is a rewarding opportunity but for those who may be going through things that others have already experienced, there should be more compassion to share you experiences and help those who are going where you have been.  Otherwise your labor was in vain. Can you clarify what is meant by this statement. "Not God change this  help that and go there but the prayer of praise of HIS glory."

jo  6/11/01 yes I am a pastors wife and yes I have been up against many battles. I was not trying to sound harsh yet I wanted some to think about the fact that they need God.  I have known  a woman who has gone all her live as a pastors wife and missed the biggest blessing of all.  That is who Christ really is. The statement that I was trying to say was when we pray are we praying the I want syndrome or are we being thankful and praising God for all HE has done. As for saying my heart breaks for some it truly does when I read that a husband is having an affair or too busy for the family that is not what God intended for ministry and that is also what I meant on Ladies be prepared for all to hit you satan is trying to find a weak link in you and your family. Sorry if I had offended you because that was not my intent.  hope this answers some of your questions.

someonecares  6/7/01 To me mercy is needed only if someone is guilty.  So when were guilty we receive justice or mercy. I'm not exactly sure what you mean about people around you feel that you don't have any, but if someone is guilty of doing something wrong, they are brought to justice for their wrong doing or they receive mercy.

Flipper's honey  6/7/01  When they call your spouse in the middle of the night or when you made special plans When you have to put your needs on hold for the good of God's people I'd say that's mercy. When people say or do things that make you want to scream  and you just nod your head and say I understand that's mercy.  When you just finished the Sunday bulletin and the phone rings and some lady asks if you can sqeeze one more thing in and you do that's mercy. Pastor's wives have a lot of mercy we are asked to do things most others wouldn't dream of When others would hang up you and I answered the call to assist in serving God's people by caring for their Pastor. That's mercy. Mercy is like grace unearned undeserved but done/given out of love.  I don't know if this was what you were looking for

Sydney  6/12/01 It would be hard to sit back and just let it happen. I can sense jealousy in your heart. You would need to see that in yourself first and any other feelings you may have. If you go to your Pastor with these in your heart he won't hear what your trying to say he'll just hear your sin and oppose you. If you find that God forgives you which he does then you'll find that God forgives them too and you can drop your case against them and just pray blessings on them. If your faith is in Jesus you'll stand strong like a tower no matter what the circumstance end up being just ask God to protect you and keep you where he wants you to be and leave it at that.

Lori  6/13/01 My husband and I have been in ministry for over 20 years and we have faced a few situations like yours.  Although my husband is a senior pastor now, he was an assistant pastor a number of years ago.  I can understand your hurt, and wanting to be close to your senior pastor, but you need to be very careful how you approach this situation. Regardless of your motives, there is a good chance that whatever you say will be perceived as jealousy or pettiness and may set up an "awkardness" in your relationship with your senior pastor and this other couple.  If by chance this other couple is looking for an "in" so that a job will be offered to them - that is between them and God.  Hopefully your senior pastor will have the wisdom to know whether this couple is a "good fit" for the staff at the church.  As far as your relationship with the senior pastor and his family, I would give you the advice that my husband often gives me - and that is to "take the high road".  What that means is to put away what you may feel are your "rights" and to be "bigger" than allowing this situation to destroy your peace.  God knows your heart - and He knows the hearts of these two other couples.  Don't begrudge them their friendship or it may come back to bite you!  It could be that your senior pastor is hesitant to have really close relationships with those on staff - or simply that they have more in common with this other couple.  Rather than focusing on your hurt, look for others that you can be friends with- I am sure there are many people that need you as much as you need them.  I know this is often easier said than done, but as long as your motives are pure and you are fulfilling what God has called you to do at your church - you cannot go wrong!  Remember that you may someday be working with both of these couples in your church, so try to avoid anything that could seriously hurt your relationships.  Are you being dishonest by not telling your senior pastor how hurt you feel?  I don't think so.  He can choose to be friends with whomever he wishes and if he perceives your feelings as being "possesive", or that you want his attention, I guarantee you that your relationship will not be what you want it to be.  Let the relationship with your senior pastor and his family happen naturally - hold your head up high and guard your tongue - be gracious with this other couple regardless of how they act with you - do the work that God has called you to do at this church with all your heart - look for others that can be good friends -  pray about the situation, and then wait and watch how God works!

Sydney  6/12/01 You cannot change the deacons what they believe and cannot make them do what you feel they should do. They either need grace, clear literal direction or be asked to step down from the position. Your husband can be a conservative man and still have grace for others to walk how they feel led to. It can coexist in one church if you'll let go and let God. To often we try to control the atmosphere of things because of what we believe but unity in the spirit is made by the spirit most often through conflict resolution not by enforcing or following man made rules.

6/23/01  I have never heard those feelings expressed in quit that way.. They say more than you know and I think often times we as a minister's wife tend to deal with that issue more than we realize. First, let me say that you do have a friend and his name is JESUS... You know it really took me a long time to understand that and I now that I really understand the concept of Jesus being my friend I really have not needed anybody else. I have been doing this thing for many years more than I care to admit however in the beginning I prayed for that thing King Solomon Prayed for so many years ago.  Wisdom! The Lord actually called me before he called my husband and being the virtuous women to an uncalled man was difficult. However I praise God today for it! those nights taught me alot. When a couple is called, (and make no mistake about it when God calls your husband he has called you) they may have to serve a flock that has not heard from GOD but you still have to know how to lead them by being a follower and you still have the job of winning them over to Christ in Love that does change because of their attitude.   I have read some of the situations other than yours and I think as women we miss it sometimes. The bible tells us to seek first the kingdom of heaven.  that does not mean only when everything is great.... we are to seek heaven first in our problems and once we do that we get a base for the direction of the problem...  We have to keep in mind that God has called us to win souls to Christ and no matter the person, that job does not change.  When dealing with deacons in the church seek God in how to deal with these men, in every conversation in every communication seek God.. THen whatever comes out of you will come from God and they will have to deal with GOD as oppose to dealing with you..  Next, I really dont want to condemn anyone but DEACONS are usually people who do not get any kind of recognition from the world in their respective fields of employment so they come to church trying to rule where they can because they are unable to rule anywhere else. My dad always says that if a man is not the boss at home nor the boss at work he has got to find somewhere to be the boss and unfortunately for us they want to come the Lord's house and do their thing.  When dealing with unruly deacons look to the meekness of Jesus, remeber how Jesus dealt with the pharisees. I WILL PRAY NOW AND UNTIL THE LORD REVEAL THAT YOU GUYS HAVE RECEIVED DELIVERANCE.. And now that we are friends and we are here to pray with and for one another. AND know that this friend loves you!

Renee  6/15/01 I can relate to how you feel about being lonely. I am also lonely and it is really hard to be away from your family. I live about 200 miles from my parents. We have always been very close. I always visited them at least once an week. Now that we live so far away we only see them sometimes once a month sometimes longer. I too get lonely on the Holidays. Especially Fathers day and Mothers day. And like you I have tried to have friends in the church also but, this is just not possible. They will turn on you and then cause problems. I would like very to be able to talk to you sometimes. It helps to
have other pastor's wives to talk to. Take care and God bless. I will keep you in my prayers.

BC  6/18/01 I can totally understand how you feel. I right now feel very lonely in my church. We are always hearing about all the social things families in our church are doing to get together. I have one friend that I tried to share this with and she said it's just because I'm not outgoing or spontaneous enough. The funny thing is that we've also been criticized when we have people over, people judge us for who we socialize with. One lady actually accused us of choosing friends that are big tythers and ignoring those without money. She noticed alot of nice cars in our driveway and judged us. The funny thing is that it was Bible study that was open to the whole church. Sometimes I feel like I can't win. But then God whispers so softly in my ear that He's there, and he just comforts me and soothes me.

Louise  6/28/01 Mea, being a pastors wife can be very lonely I know.  None of my family have ever lived in the same state as I do.  It is hard to make friends within your church because there are things that we just can't share.  Do you know any other pastors wife in your area?  We have lived in areas that had what we called PSST, pastors and wives support team.  We would get together once a month and just talk and eat.  You could do something like that with just the wives.  Or just find another pastors wife in your area who is looking for a friend as well.  It is hard for someone who is not a pastors wife to really understand the things we go through.  I pray that God will give you the friend you need.

jo  6/19/01 You have been in my prayers mostly Sunday when I was getting ready for church. I am not sure why but you and God knows.  I have a dear friend who was a pastors wife and then her and her husband changed occupations and the greatest advice she gave me with her southern drawl.  "Honey just smile and nod smile and nod" "God will handle everthing else" I understand being lonley I am there myself but I also started getting involved in another church just 1/2 an hour away where I am not know as the pastors wife I is great and It has become my time with no guilt.  One group that is fun is MOPS. Mothers of Preschoolers another idea is call around and see if someone is holding a biblestudy where you can go and not be the WIFE Hope this helps.  As for gossip  just smile and nod smile and nod and if someone asks you tell the truth.  But honey it sounds like you need to get out! I will be praying for an out for you.

Tori  6/28/01 Hello Sydney... I totally understand your feelings...I have the same ones... We are always being judged... Sometimes I feel like if We Breath out of turn... we are judged..

Sydney  6/15/01 I would pray up first and then simply tell her how she makes your son feel and let her know that you love her but your worried that your son is taking it too personally and is hindering him being able to be himslef in his own church.

Lori  6/19/01 I know how you feel - I have two sons who have been diagnosed with ADD and quite honestly they have been a real challenge at times!  However, I believe there is more at stake here than just someone constantly correcting your child.  Unfortunately, as hard as we try, early life experiences as a PK in the church can form how we perceive God.  I believe that is why some pastor's children want nothing to do with God or church as adults - and its because of how their parents were treated, how they were treated and on and on.  Because our lives are so tied to the church and obviously our relationship with God is what it is built on, it is easy for a child to get confused and to see church (and sometimes God) as unkind or judgemental - and they can transfer those feelings unconsciously to their relationship with God.  All that said, I think you (or your husband) needs to somehow communicate to this woman that it is unacceptable for her to be constantly correcting your son at church.  You can tell her that you appreciate her concern, but that you are doing your best and that it is your job as his parent to correct him.  You may want to say that your son senses that he is unliked by her and that you are sure this is not what she has in mind.  Until there is a change in her behavior it would be good to physically limit the contact she has with him.  If she does not respond well to you, your husband may need to get involved.  You know your son better than anyone and if this woman's behavior is making him feel like he does not want to go to church then you are obligated to do something about it.  As a pastor's wife it is incredibly embarassing to have someone report that your child has done something "off the wall" at church.  We somehow feel (even though we know it doesn't make sense), that our children should know better.  I have been guilty of being angry at my kids because I felt they made me look bad!!  But when you have someone that appears to be deliberately picking at your child - waiting for them to screw up - and then finding great pleasure in reporting this to you, I believe you need to act.  You will need to gently ask her to let you parent your son when you are at church - that you realize that he sometimes misbehaves and you will be the one to address those issues.  Your first obligation is for the spiritual welfare of your child - not to a church member who seems to have it "in" for your son.  Make sure whatever you say to her is said in love - not to offend her but to let her know how her constant correction has made you feel.  Our kids need to know that their well-being and spiritual development is more important to us than the opinion of a church member.  Remember that some day you will move on to another church and this woman will be a faded memory - but your son will always be your son, and for him these early memories could affect his future attitude and relationship with the church and even God Himself.

jo  6/19/01 Coming from a long line of add and adhd brothers and just active my sugestion is what my mom did.  She just plainly put it these are my boys and if I see that they need correction I will tend to him and if you see that he needs correction I ask you to bite your tounge.I don't know if I would say it that strong yet don't give hints and show you son that he is important too. and that church has rules like everywhere else but church also should not be dreaded if someone is there.  and i recomend not letting people take control stand up and be strong in a loving way.

Melody  6/20/01 Something that an older pastor told us when our kids were little, is to enlist the help of the person who is being hard of your child.  We said something like this, "You know, Billy is having a hard time at church feeling loved and accepted.  Could you pray about that with us?"  For us, it worked and the person became like a Grandma to our kids.

EUREKA  6/23/01 You have a very interesting problem but I believe that God has a solution even to this problem. First it is important to remember that God is a God of discipline and order and that scriptures tell us to train up a child in the way they should go ......and they shall not depart from those ways. However there is a interesting principal at work here. My dad always told me as a child that there are always three sides to every story, there is your side, the other person's side and somewhere down the middle is the truth but in order to find the truth in what a person say, does or how he or she may act we must look at their side of the story through the eyes of truth. Please dont get me wrong, I am in no way suggesting that you are not telling it like it is. I am just saying that in order to understand why she is doing this and how to solve this problem we must try to see her side. I would suggest to you that her interest is not really in the son but in the pastorial family and having a connection to it. I dont know about you but it has been my experience that everyone wants a connection to the pastor and his family, they all want to be able to say that they did or they are doing or just give the impression that they maybe closer to the family than they really are. To me it seems that this women actually believes that she is an aid to you, that she is doing something that you would do if you had the opportunity. Also (and please believe me on this one) she is telling the members that she is a help in raising your child or that he is better because of the things that she does.. she is in some way using this as a instrument of glory on her own behalf. (UNLESS SHE IS A MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH OLDER WOMEN)Next, we must define your role in this situation.  Please understand that GOD has given you a great charge over one of his sheep.... and it is your responsibility to guide that sheep to the shepard ... GOD does not really need your help in this matter but he choose you and has allowed you to be the vessel for which this particular little sole is introduced to CHRIST...... and as the person he employed for that job you cannot let anyone else interefer with this plan..(can you do it)!!!!:) Finally rememeber that GOD is the GOd of confindence and if you are right and heed his word you shall abide in the safety of his arms and that is why no weapon formed against you shall prosper...    TO GET TO THE POINT..... GOD has a plan... that plan is for all of us to get to heaven... your job in that plan is to pave the way for your kids (I'll bet they are both gorgeous)therefore we have to squash this problem quickly so that we may be about the father business.. however I am not suggesting a confrontation or anything of the sort I am not even suggesting that you do it but I also would not ever ever ever tell any pastor what to do.. but I think daddy needs to handle this one and they (meaning the members)  usually have a better response from the congregation than we do...and it is equally important that you guys present a united front (God is not a God of division)but it must be done!!!...  So first pray and ask the Almighty, consult you husband and be guided by the Holy Spirit.  And as you pray so will I ... REMEBER those little ones are very very important to GOD.

Brownie  7/12/01 Yes I have experienced this to a lesser extent  -where to stand and when to hug someone!- but I have no  have no solution really.Maybe when he corrects you just say sorry Just pr- maybe politely tell your husband that you are trying hard but don't make a big deal out of it. In fact maybe try not to get into arguments about an issue - I know it might be easier said than done!I will pray that your husband will "chill out" a bit. I have found that keeping some of my opinions to myself has helped. I realise that your husband is making you feel belittled. Re always ministering where-ever you go - could you tell your husband that you'd love to go out as a couple just like you, presumably, did before you were married. It's important to nurture your marriage relationship. hope it helps to know that someone is praying for you. Remember to take it to the Lord.God bless you.

Brownie  7/5/01 No I haven't read the book - sounds interesting though as I know Jabez's prayer and he prays that God would bless him. I think I need to pray that very prayer now as I have a fear in my life (connected to my husband) and just maybe God would bless me with a new attitude.Maybe my fear is unfounded - I don't know. I do think that since God is our Heavenly Father we can approach him as a child would even if we seem rather petty at times. Right now my husband wants me to agree to spend thousands of dollars to bring two Philippino women to our country for a holiday.Apart from the cost I,m concerned about the close relationship he has with one of them. He insists that she is his foster daughter (aged 22yrs) but I just have fear about it.  Does the book cover anything that would relate to this?

ACraft  7/7/01 Sometimes God puts us in places where we don't feel loved so that we remember to survive on his love alone.  I know that loving without love in return is very lonely.  I can't begin to imagine how God continues to love everyone...even those who hate him.  Have you returned to where you were before?  I just entered this sight.  It breaks my heart to hear how lonely everyone is.  Right now we are serving under wonderful Senior Pastors who continually train us to walk in love.  I know that God is preparing us for something in the future.  My husband and I are continually called to take over ministries that have either been destroyed or hurt by prior leaders or to start new ministries from scratch.  Just about the time we get everything going smoothly...we are moved into another area of ministry.  I could tell you have a great desire to be where God wants you to be.  Just remember that once called...always called.  Even if you are not serving in a position of ministry, take every opportunity to share God's love.  Share it in the grocery store.  Share it in the doctors office.  Pray that God will open the door for you to share wherever you are.  We have a saying in our church...why am I here?  Everywhere we go, we ask ourselves why we are there.  I want to give the Lord the opportunity to use me wherever I go.  When you get in this mind set, you'll be surprised the places God opens the door for you to minister.  I look forward to hearing more about where God is taking you.  Be blessed.

jo  7/7/01 I have also read that book and another "What happens when women pray" both of those together reeally made an inpact.  I have also learned to ask God to extend my teritory and then expect Him to do it and wow has He really streched me.  in both my prayer life and working for Him.  Asking God to bless me has not given me more things but has changed my mind set on the little things.  Like being thankful for the flowers that my children pick than looking at the mud on the floor from their shoes.  God has really worked on my attutude and heart in all things which is a wonderful blessing from a small book and a Big God

mara  7/7/01 It is easy to give advice when we are not in a given situation, i just want to say that you are not alone, and that the Lord loves you very much ( i know that you know), but have to wxperience it.  The only person that can make a difference in your life, is yourself, and also in your circumstances. You need to get back to basics (forgiveness, guilt free life), and start anew.  Yes look after yourself, for yourself, not for anyone else. And yes, lay down your life for the one wo does not seem to care for you any longer(that is what Jesus did). Start small, first with your attitude towards yourself, than your attitude towards your husband. Most of all, spend your day casting all your care upon Him, He died so that you may have a fulfilled life, He sacrificed His for your freedom. Like God told Moses - in Exodus 14 (read it), "move forward", and like He told Elisha or elijah (not sure now) - when he went to hide in the mountain with depression - arise and eat you will need the strength for the journey"- my friend life is far too short to waste away. Eccl 9 says go and eat your bread with joy - cast all your burdens upon Him, and lift up your beautiful head that God created and face the world, you are precious, special, and need to discipline yourself  back into the life God want for you. Self pity will only drag you more don the gutter, and remember the Bible says that a foolish woman breaks down her house with her own hands, do not give your  husband a reason to act the way he does. Be very- as wise as a serpent and as gentle as a  dove . I will be praying for you.

Annie  7/7/01 You need help!  You need a friend.  If expense is a problem, can you go to a minister in a neighoring town or city?  You must talk to someone.  Prayer is wonderful, and you will find great strength and help in honest prayer and reading the Word; however, there comes a time when prayer is not enough.  That is the time to act.  You must do something.  Find someone to talk to honestly -- someone who can and will keep your confidence.  Work on your weight. Get your hair done.  You can do your nails yourself.  God loves you!  If all else fails, contact Focus on the Family.

tori  7/9/01 My heart goes out to you.  My husband and I also pastor a small church.  I to know tthe struggles with money, etc... My husband and I both work plus pastor.. It gets very hard at times.  My marriage has also been in danger many times.  Our first church we pastored.. Things got wayyyy out of control.. I  was 12 hours from home...(25 years old)... no friends... pastored a church (very Hard) to deal with... I soon became addicted to the internet... meeting people etc... before i knew it ~~ I was so addicted... staying up all hours of the night... I could no longer help myself... My marriage almost ended... My husband was never home.. he worked many hours.. a week just trying to support us and the church... and I just got colder and colder.... I got to the point I hated ministry... and I wondered if I even loved my husband... Things kept getting worse...finally... after 2 long years of pain ...we decided to move home to get refocused... We packed up and left... not knowing if our marriage would last... God really had to heal all of my hurts, failures, and pain.. it took about a year before I really let God do a work in me... I am proof that God can do it... I am now 31 years old.. we are pastoring again... I have learned to lean on the Lord and not myself... OHHH It is still a battle at times.. but My husband and I are closer than ever... working together.... GOD IS GOOD..... I have learned sooo much.... Keep your head up..... GOD knows where you are....... I will be praying for you.......

WeLoveYou  7/9/01 Thank you for writing and being so honest.  This is too much for you to carry alone.  Please get some help.  Since you can't go to the counsellor you mentioned, please consider calling the Pastor's families' hotline at Focus on the Family.  They will help you and may be able to direct you to a counsellor in your area that you are not aware of yet.  The number is 877-233-4455 9am - 4pm (Mountain Time), Monday thru Friday. You've come this far. Don't give up now.  Things will get better. Please post again and let us know you are calling the hotline.  Then post again later-I'm sure we can all learn from what you are learning!  Love you!

annie  8/5/01 Please let us know how you are doing?

Irene  7/8/01 I just read your post, my heart goes out to you and I can't begin to emagine how hard it must be for you. I will pray that God will give you strength.

tori  7/9/01 I dont know about everyone else.. BUT it scares me when... a PASTOR of a church can even keep his family together... I know it happens but... what is a pastors Role...LEADER!!!!!  My heart goes out to you MEL..  My husband and I are a team... I admit sometimes I am the quiet one.. BUT he never ever ever .... disregards my feelings or my thoughts or ideas... It is a scarey day we live in... when PASTORS forget their family... how can you pastor...the Church when...you cant even be mindful of your family....I know your in pain... I am on your side Mel... Does he not love you???? I mean... I've had my problems with my husband (pastor) but the bottom line.. is ..WE LOVE EACHOTHER... and chose... EACHOTHER.... and CHOSE ministry TOGETHER!!!!  and I believe God expects the man to TAKE CARE OF HIS FAMILY!! .....Honestly if it came down to it... My husband would not pastor...if it meant.. SAVING HIS FAMILY....it is all suppose to work together...I will be praying for you mel....

ArmsofLove  7/9/01 Mel, I am not pretending to know the extreme pain you must be going through, ending up, as you say, in "divorce court" - a place you'd never thought you'd be.  My husband and I have never gone that far, but we've come EXTREMELY close.  What helped me was the book some of the other women have been talking about - "The Power of the Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian.  Please get it.  When I started praying for my husband, simply reading the prayers out that are in this book, it totally turned our marriage around.  Then we were able to get help from other sources and were able to deal with the problems.  Even though I know it's hard, please do not give up. It's not too late.  God does miracles.  He did it for me.  My prayer is that He will do it for you.  Be encouraged.  You will make it through this and come out like pure gold. We all love you!

Someone cares  7/10/01 I am praying for you and your situation.  It's not over until God says it is.  This is really a tough question but the only answer for you has to come directly from God.  Just be still and listen.  Maybe there were signs before and you couldn't see them because you were constantly working and staying busy. I can remember wanting to be a part of my husbands ministry but it seemed that he only wanted me to stay home.  I got so frustrated I began to pray and the Lord showed me things to do at home.  I began to work in my home, preparing special meals, cleaning and changing things around.  Each time he would come home he would walk in and be amazed at how much I had done.  He somehow thought that because the house was nice and that his meals were prepared that I was thinking of him.  I became a worker in my home.  Of course no one outside was able to see what was going on inside but by the time I got content with that he began asking me to assist him in the ministry.  It's to the point now where he calls on me before anyone else.  It wasn't until I humbled myself to God and became content where I was that my husband desired me to do more. All I am saying is would it have been so hard to submit to your husbands wishes to take the quiet role even though it went against your personality. You could not have done it in the flesh but with the help of God and in order to please God by submitting to your husband.  I pray that all goes well with you and that God will restore your marriage.  It sounds like you still have hope.  God Bless You. 

Karen  7/9/01 I struggled with not wanting to be a Pastor's wife also.  The pastors' wives I had seen growing up seemed bitter and unhappy and not very involved in the ministry.  Why would I want that?  I just wanted to serve the Lord with all my heart soul, mind and strength!  Then after 10 years of marriage and being very involved in ministry, my husband became a pastor.  The pressure was there to be conformed into what I thought the people expected from me, and all the other struggles you read these other wives are having.  Thank God that He had taught me who I was in Him before my husband became the pastor. I was able to resist that pressure and be who God made me to be.  Once I said "No" to the pressure, I learned this exciting truth: When you're the wife of a pastor you actually have MORE influence on people because everyone is watching you. I use this extra influence to bring more people to Jesus, which is what I wanted to do in the first place!  So now I think being the wife of a pastor is great and I am looking for more and more ways to influence people for good, as God prepares me for new levels of ministry!  I learned a lot about who I am in Christ and how run your race with excellence from Joyce Meyer.  She has several teaching tapes (audio and video) and books.  One of Joyce's books that helped me in this area is "How to Succeed at Being Yourself"  You can receive a catalog and order resources by calling 800-727-WORD.  Whether you are a pastor's wife or not, you need to know who you are in Christ and how to fulfill your destiny.  It's the only way to really LIVE! God bless you as you seek Him!