
The purpose of this page is to support and encourage pastor's wives. If you are a pastor's wife and have a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion, please fill out the form and click submit. Responses will be added. Let's help each other!
Please also submit for our future book. We are also planning a book for and about pastor's kids. Please check this out if you were a pastor's kid - or have your child give us ideas!
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Nina 8/29/00 I lot of the responses i read are dated 1998 is anyone still there. One thing I have learned n my three years as a pastors' wife is that nothing you do our say will be right so you might as well be honest. My husband pastors a church of unsaved IGNORANT people. S. P. an unmarried woman has no Bible knowlege and the class of an alley cat is trying to tell me how a pastor's wife should act...go figure. I don't know why the act so petty and jealous they should be glad that they have someone taht can bring some talent to the church but they don't care about the welfare of the church because they are not saved....Yu cannot have Christ in your heart and do the things that people do. My advice is to hold you head high, get in other activities outside your church and don't even be bothered with that trifflin, petty mess. Tell God this is your battle, remove those that don't want the church to grow and LET THE CHURCH ROLL ON. It hurts, but it has put iron in my system........ Pat 8/30/00 Not
only have the problems at your church put iron in your system, but it sounds
like you have bitterness and anger as well. I'm glad you feel free to be
"honest", but there is a difference between
|
Someone Cares 8/30/00
Looking
at your post it appears that you have some anger in your heart. Statements
such as "class of an alley cat" and "a church of unsaved ignorant people"
are pretty harsh. I understand the hardship of being a ministry wife and
the truth is that no, everone in the church is not
saved. Those of us
that are have to be a light and set an example. The only thing that holds
us together is prayer, prayer, prayer. Instead of calling names,
pray for the one you call alley cat. Yes, that is easier said than done,
but that's when you have to depend totally on the Lord. Flesh will
not allow you to do this. I have been through many stuggles in my
marriage including infidelity. The Lord gave me wisdom through these
experiences, which was not overnight, but my husband and I are closer now
that ever. The Lord has given me a great annointing to minister to
him in such a way that when I finish, he does not have the strength
to even look at another woman. (Can somebody say Amen!!!) This took much,
much prayer and humbleness but I was determined. We always quote
the scripture "I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me"
yet we limit that. It says ALL things that includes everything. My
husband has a tremendous load in the ministry as well as others and he
and I both work full time jobs and we have a family. I'm never lonely
because he rushes home. Many times if he has something to do at church
he will offer to cancel to spend time with me. Of course I won't
let him do that but just that fact that I know that he is willing to make
sacrifices for me just make me feel so special. I have been through many
of the situations listed on this site and my answer to everything is pray,
pray, pray and be open to hear the Lord. Don't be surprise if he makes
more changes in you instead of others. God Bless you all and I pray Gods
riches blessing upon your marriages.
Nina 9/6/00 PAT:
I first want to respond, by saying that yes, there probably is some anger
and bitterness and I came here to VENT I thought that was what this support
board was for. I don't speak to them like this. And, sorry for using
a person's name, I was unaware of the rules. Now I know. If
this is not the place to vent those frustrations and feelings we can't
express in church then where is the support?? I believe you misjudged
some of my statements or you probably have read through the book of Matthew
to see WWJD. If you think unsaved ignorant people is unacceptable,
then what do you say about Jesus who called the Scribes, Pharisees, HYPOCRITES
who strain at a nat and swallow a camel. He also referred to them
as threefold devils, etc. Unsaved, ignorant maybe strong but it is very
true, have you read the Bible - many church people will say in that day
"Lord, Lord, didn't I sing in the choir, didn't, I work in the church and
he will respond, "I NEVER KNEW YOU, DEPART FROM ME YOU WORKERS OF INIQUITY"
I think that's strong but it is his Word none the less. The truth
will make you free. The
truth is not "Slanderous
or Malicious" (Strong, yes, Hurtful, yes) If a person has not accepted
Christ into their heart and taking up there cross and following Him. THEY
ARE NOT SAVED That may be unacceptable to you but it is the WORD
OF GOD. Paul constantly taught against people who WILLINGLY are IGNORANT
in the churches at Corinth, Ephesus, Galatia........We might as well accept
the fact that it exists today. And when I say be "Honest" I mean we should
not sugar coat the truth. Jesus said to worship him in Spirit and truth.
I appreciate your response I just don't think you really know the kind
of people, I'm talking about or some of the demonic spirits that are in
this church. For example (S.P.) as you refer to her, sat in the pulpit
one day dirty clothes and scratching her crotch...And you think ignorant
is to strong? I Know it's because you don't know the half of it.
They remained this way because people, (previous pastors included) taken
the attitude you have taken sugar coat because the truth is to strong.
So I take your comments in stride. And I do look at myself, I am
far from perfect but my grandmother taught us when we were very little
5, 6yrs old, to not play with God. I don't know if you know anything
about spiritual warfare, but you don't talk to demons nicely, there must
be a strong rebuke. THIS IS WHY I BELIEVE GOD SENT US THERE because
they need a strong rebuke. And that's the talent - showing them,
telling them and living a life that let's them know there's a more excellent
way. I'll leave you with this story to think about. My husband and
I attended a Bible fellowship with another church and a woman said she
had a friend who was not Christian the friends mother died of cancer and
the she began to ask her questions regarding salvation and one day she
asked her if her
mother was in hell.
Well, the woman didn't want to her HURT her friend so she said something
that was untrue rather than tell her the TRUTH which was "According to
Scriptures, if she did not accept Jesus as her savior, then she most likely
is." There is no tactful way to say that to a friend, but suppose
Jesus would use that REALIZATION to bring the friend to him. But
because she chose to let her believe a lie, where was her witness?
I say all that to say this maybe you should pray and ask God, if Pastor's
Wives are to live in a fishbowl or boldly proclaim his Word. I believe
there is a time for every season and purpose under heaven, A time to speak,
and a time to keep silent, a time to embrace and a time to refrain
from embracing...you know the scripture. Maybe God wants someone
to tell the unsaved just that, that they are unsaved and need to either
get saved or remain in the world """You cannot serve God and Mammon"""""
Please write back, I really am a good person, I think because I have a
Ministry in me and not just "The Pastor's Wife" I tend to be a little
less lenient (ok, a lot less) concerning blatant sin.
I Love you too. I
and I will pray like you suggested, Lord is it I. Just remember that we
are NOT WRESTLING WITH FLESH AND BLOOD. If that was the case, it would
be easy. We cannot let our nicey nice emotions let satan WIN. Look
at pokemon and harry potter, people think it's okay because there just
cute little characters, harmless. But in reality they are Wizards,
demons, monsters (pocket monster's) they call them. --------
Nicey, nice has it's place......
Pat 9/8/00 I'm
so glad you wrote back! When I read your response I instantly felt
one of those rare & "divine connections". You know what I mean
- when you meet someone that you KNOW God has put in your path for a reason.
I like you. You are not intimidated by the devil. And you are
right, I am not privy to what is going on in your church. It sounds
pretty bad. I haven't noticed any crotch scratchers in our pulpit,
but we are not strangers to spiritual warfare. I agree with
everything you said in your response. What REALLY ministered to me
personally is that "there is a time for every season and purpose under
heaven" a time to speak and a time to keep silent (I give God praise for
using you to confirm this word to me for probably the seventh time this
week!) I think the reason your initial letter bothered
me is because I AM one of those nice Pastor's Wives who don't like to hurt
people and am always looking for a way to keep the peace. I'm not
a doormat by any means, but I do tend to give people the benefit of the
doubt. You, on the other hand are just the opposite in personality
I suspect and don't waste a lot of time with niceties. You call a
spade a spade. (Picture the two of us ministering together - you slice
them and dice them and I bandage them up). I think I can learn
some things from what you've shared, and you can learn some things from
me. What I get from you is that there is a time to correct and not
waste time prettying it up. What I can offer you is the insight that
there are occasions for a less confrontational approach. Of course,
we cannot mess around with the enemy and he must be rebuked, but I still
believe there is a remnant of righteousness in your church and I hope you
and your husband recognize them and build them up. Like you,
I have an evangelistic call on my life and I believe your letter was necessary
to give me a "push" to open my mouth "in season". As a matter of
fact, your note comes on a day when I must confront a sister in the church
who is also a good friend. Her actions are out of order and are affecting
our music ministry of which I am the leader. The matter is
very serious and I have been avoiding it. I hear your message and
I hope mine is heard also. You have been a blessing and I will be
interceding for your ministry.
Still love you girl!
Nina 9/12/00 Amen Pat, we are sisters in the Spirit, this is how we learn & grow, let us continue to Pray for each other, in the Spirit.
Mekka 9/23/00 Please
ask Jesus to see these people through His eyes. There are many reasons
people do what they do. We must remember that we and they are not perfect.
As the Bible says,"We all fall short of the glory of God." Every Christian
is at a different level in their walk with God. What one may get away with
today does not mean that God is not in the background working on their
heart. We must also show His love even to those who spitefully use you
and to pray for our enemies. These people are not our enemy, the devil
is but where we have a weak area in our live he can use it to his advantage.
Our family has suffered many things from people through the years. Some
where suppose to be our friends. But you know what God is where our love
and faith is so we forgave them. I'm not saying it was easy but WWJD. He
forgave us and everyone else as He hung on the cross. Show the love that
God has put in
your heart to these people
and watch them grow. Maybe send them a card saying, thinking of you or
ask God is there something that you can do for them that will touch their
heart. Also ask God what is there inside of you that is in need of change
so you can see and love them like He does. Just maybe they too have been
hurt by someone so they are protecting themselves by the way they are acting.
Also cover the church in prayer every day.
walking wisely 9/7/00
Renee,
being a pastor's wife can be a lonely life but you don't have to be depressed.
You are not in this by yourself. I myself sometimes feel left out and alone.
I go through situations where I it seems that nobody understands. It does
help to have strong Christian friends that
can relate to what you are
going through. We as pastors' wives have to be particular who we
talk to about our problems. I do know this that everytime I go through
these times of dispair, I find that I have stayed from that Lord as far
as spending intimate time with Him. When I spend time with the Lord and
talk to Him, He comforts me and gives me direction and peace of
mind. I am learning to cast all my cares upon the Lord, even my husband.
God has given me a spirit of discernment and He has shown me that He didn't
give it to me so that I can condemn or nagg my husband but so that I can
pray for Him and others. I do not work now but at one time I was working
full-time and my husband also had a full-time job plus he pastored 2 churches,
also we have 2 teenage girls. Speaking of not spending time together!,
we were just passing each other by. Needless to say, our marriage was on
the verge of a divorce. In order for any relationship to grow there must
be quality time spent together with both the spouse and the children. I
don't know what your financial situation is or why it is that you are working
but pray and ask the Lord to show you what He would have you to do as far
as being at home. If it is His will that you stay home, and I do believe
that it is, He will make a way for you to do just that. I pray that things
will get better for you.
Anonymous 9/6/00
Your
problem takes me back 19 years ago when my husband (whom I had dated for
5 years prior to marriage)began to blame me for "holding him back in the
ministry". He felt that I was more of a "hinderance" than a "help
mate" It almost destroyed us both and I was tempted to stop going to church
as well. However, through much prayer and good counsel from other
Pastor's in our area, he began to realize that I was the most important
member of his congregation and his very best asset in the ministry.
Your husband is young and needs to develop a teachable spirit regarding
this. I would suggest that you both meet with other couple's who
are pastoring in your area and discuss how they have overcome this problem.
Satan's strategies are always the same because he has no creative power
in him. I can't speak for others, but this has happened to many new
couple's in the ministry that I know. The enemy is trying to cause
you both to get your focus off of the call on your lives and is seeking
to destroy your brand new union together. Resist him, pray fervantly
and then bring your fears, worries and cares to your husband's attention.
If he doesn't seem bothered by your concerns remember that there is a friend
that sticks closer than a brother (in this case a husband). He is
your best friend. Now that I can
boast (in Christ of course!)
that my husband and I are together 22 yrs. and STILL pastor a church, there
is hope for your situation too. God Bless you both and DON'T GIVE
UP YET! You're in our prayers.
Nina 9/12/00 This is for Overwhelmed and for the rest of us that feel like her. We must remind our husbands of that scripture that says if a man cannot rule his own house, how can he rule the house of God? He MUST spend time with his wife and love her and make sure she's happy. This does come before the church. Pick a day of the week which you can mutally agree upon and let that be your day. He should make it known to members that this is his family day and only to be interrupted in the case of an emergency. This has helped us tremendously.
grateful 9/13/00
Greetings
ladies in the Name of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I want to make this
message very brief and simple. First of all, I really do want to
commend Pat and Nina for getting an understanding. Your responses
were both understood and appreciated. At first, I felt as though
things
were getting somewhat out
of hand/control, but now I can clearly see that God was at work.
The both of you brought out some great points and opened my eyes to many
things. I have learned much through this situation. Many times we
have conflicts in opinions, but we fail to realize that we still can learn
something from each other and that we can still respect each other's opinions.
Pat, you learned something from Nina, and Nina you learned something from
Pat. And guess what? The rest of us ladies
learned from the both of
you. I can appreciate individuals that can disagree but yet still
show genuine love for one another. It is all about giving God the
glory. Hey, I must admit that there were many times that I felt like
just being straight to the point (but truthful) with members of the church
that my husband pastors. But, as they always say, "you are the pastor's
wife and you can't say certain things". I am sure that if we would all
(ladies) admit it, we've had the thought of just wanting to "telling it
like it is". On the other hand, we must continue to be gentle and
compassionate, especially to those that are weaker in Christ. No,
I am not saying to "sugar coat" the truth, but to make sure that when we
send out a message that it is done in love and for the purpose of drawing
them to Christ. So, to make a long story short, I really do thank the both
of you for sharing your comments/thoughts with the rest of us. God bless
you all!!!!
Beth 9/13/00 It
was quite thrilling to read a response from a kindred believer (if you
know what I mean). Your words were very timely. My husband
was called to plant a church in NJ and we started in February. Just
a few months before the call he had a tumor removed from his throat and
went through about six weeks of radiation therapy. Yes, at times
it has been trying -- in fact many things have happened to us since we
obeyed this call. But, this one thing I know. GOD HAS IT ALL
IN CONTROL!!! Many times the devil would like to make a fool of those
called by God. We've had a car accident (we
drive about 2 hours to NJ),
we've had car trouble, tire blowouts, financial situations, etc. (and I
am NOT complaining). But, I don't believe God called us to this city
to save people on our own. This is His work. But, we have our
responsibility as well. We pass out flyers, knock doors, meet people
on the street. We got a family of five just from meeting a woman
coming out of the post office. We also believe in continual prayer
and fasting for the city we were called to. Many cities have strongholds
that must be broken in order for people (especially adults) to be released
from addictions, immoral lifestyles, etc. In our prayer meetings,
we pray to the North, South, East, and West. Leaving no area uncovered
by prayer. There are people out there who will take what you have to offer,
but only through prayer and fasting will results happen. We have
baptized eight people in Jesus' name and five have received the Holy Ghost.
If not another soul was ever saved there, we can claim those for the kingdom.
But, God has promised a great outpouring of His spirit for this city.
My husband would like to go to the General Conference in Alabama, but I
don't know if he will get to or not. We know all about WAP, get a
lot of good things from there. You can email if you get my email
address from Rock Dove. God Bless!!
Tara 9/11/00 I'm
dating a pastor. At times our relationship is very difficult.
We spend little time together and when we do it's discreet. He doesn't
want his members to know about me yet. Often during the week, he's invited
to preach at revivals, conferences. Sometimes he travels out of town.
Saturdays he works on his sermon and goes to bed early. Sunday he
attends Church all day. His church work is
priority. The church is
growing, a new building is needed, etc. I was going to ask him to make
a choice, it's ME or his 24 hour ministry? But you can't ask a man you
over God. I love him, but wish he would make more an effort to care
about me and my feelings. What if I married him and had a family,
would he be this distant from me and the children.
Jennifer 9/11/00 Like DAWN 9/8/00, I'm also dating a pastor and I would appreciate any insight that those who've walked this road can offer. As Dawn mentioned, it's unlike any relationship I've ever had before. He has served at our church for 16 years, the last 6 as the senior pastor. I joined the church 3 years ago. Neither of us has ever been married before. The relationship itself is wonderful because we're first and foremost great friends. The difficulties lie in the fact that, 1) he's very conscientous and dedicated, which means his personal time is limited, so I seen him once a month and talk to him by email the rest of the time, 2) I feel as if I have to tread very carefully around other congregation members and watch what I do or say. Not that we've done or plan to do anything to be ashamed of, but that I know his vulnerabilities, fears, and weaknesses, and I don't ever want to do anything to violate the trust he places in me. It sounds so silly, but sometimes I wonder if God's call for my life is as this man's wife. It seems like He's preparing me for something. I've been digging deeply into and have a new hunger for His Word that's developed over the past year, I'm much in prayer, and I've been quietly seeking avenues both in our church and outside where I can practice service and submission. As a matter of fact, a couple of weeks ago, I remarked to my friend that, since we have a new men's Bible class beginning at church, was there a chance for a women's group as well? And he said, "That's a good idea. Maybe you'd consider leading it?" I wish I had someone to talk this over with, but I can't really discuss it at present with other women in my church (for obvious reasons.) I'd be grateful for advice!
Rachel 9/25/00 When I met my husband, he was already a pastor. You are all right - it is a very unusual situation. I remember being with him away from the church in a distant town - it was different than when we were in his church's community. When we were away the pressure was off - when we were there we had to be aware of people watching. It seemed strange to me since I never really worried about what people thought of me. Now that I've been a pastor's wife for almost twelve years, I realize that he was actually right on the money. Whether we like it or not, people are aware of us and are watching our behavior and attitudes. Try to think of this time as a great evaluation time. Some of these things that you are talking about (lack of personal time, taking a back seat, etc.) are a part of being a pastor's wife. Most pastor's wives will tell you that those are things they have dealt and struggled with for years. So - be prayerful as you notice these things in your relationship. God is showing you what you are getting into. Being a pastor's wife can be a tremendous blessing - you get to have very intimate looks into people's lives - you journey with them through their joys and sorrows. When someone takes hold of the Word and Christ changes their lives, it is an incredible blessing and encouragment. If you marry these pastors, you will need to be supportive, prayerful, insightful, and willing to work hard. I'm thankful for my husband and know beyond a shadow of doubt that he is the one God planned for me. God has weeded many things out of me and I've never been bored. There is always something happening!! I'll pray for each of you as you journey on in these relationships. God has plans for each of you!!! The verse God gave me the morning of the day my husband proposed was Jeremiah 29:11. I have drawn upon that promise many times over the years. God is good!!!
Jennifer 9/26/00
Thanks,
Rachel. That was what I needed to hear. Incidentally, the Lord
gave me Jeremiah 29:11-13 at the beginning of this relationship, and recently
Psalm 139, probably because I've often thought how odd it is that I, of
all people, should have fallen in love with a pastor. He knows what He
is doing, no question about that, but it took me a long time to realize
this wasn't some kind of a fluke (like it was happening without His
knowledge. LOL!) Some of my friends have hinted that, because the
relationship is moving relatively
slowly, I should cut my losses and find someone new. The conviction
that has come to me as I've prayed all these months over the matter is
that God is perhaps working in me so that I'm prepared for what life at
this man's side would entail. That kind of preparation takes a while.
The lack of time together, I am dealing with, as well as taking a back
seat to the congregation's needs; my problem areas will probably
be with submission to my husband and learning to be less independent.
One interesting this is, I find in myself a growing eagerness to serve
in my friend's congregation in ways I haven't done before. I'm also
drawn to learn all I can about discipleship, prayer, and comforting the
sick and the bereaved. Does all this add up to mean that God is pairing
this man and me? I'm certainly not taking it for granted. No
matter what, I'm in His service, and will do what He calls me to do.
puppetmaker 9/8/00
I
know of a situation in WA state much like yours. The church there
has jsutt completed phase 1 of a building project, and were hoping to move
on to phase 2. BUT... The city council or whatever they call them
has decided they will not issue bldg permits to any non profit groups (this
includes clubs, churches,
etc.) At the last city council mtg one of the councilwomen stated
"we don't want more churches here, we don't need them." The decision
was tabled until more research could be done. I suggest we bind together
as PW and pray and fast over these situations. God is able to break the
strongholds of the adversary, and this is indeed a stronghold. Your
situation is upcoming and so is the situation in WA. Let's agree together
to pray daily for this need. The outcome of this affects all of us.
Regarding your other problems. We have always known we were in the
will of God when the enemy really started fighting. This sounds like the
place where you are. Just remember that no weapon formed against
you shall prosper. As for the $ problem, God will provide.
I would not contact the other pastor again. God is your source, not man.
Hope this helps.
darla 11/28/00 Upon
reading just a few of your lines I recognized who you where from the news
media. I was touched by your article, however let me give you some words
of encouragement. Satan's job is to still, kill and destroy. When he can
find a crack trust ne he will create a whole. Now is not the time to divide
yourself from the people. We can become so judgemental of others, there
intentions may have been very well to do as they said, and even yet still
fulfill it. God will allow temporary uglies to happen in our lives to see
if we are really trusting in who we say we are (God), or are we trusting
in man. This is the time that you should have been going down in prayer
for this couple. It was fine when they could help you, do unto others as
you would have them do unto you. Where you can't give them money, give
them to Jesus through your prayers. Don't get wrapped up into your material
gains, I quite sure you have spent and wasted at one time in your life
more thatn $90. Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not to your
own undertanding, in all thy ways acknowledge Him first and He shall direct
your paths. Remember the saying "nobody wants you when your down and out",
this is the time to let the Christ in you shine, that men may see your
good works and glorufy the Father which is in Heaven. God's people are
compassionate, wrap your spiritual arms around this couple and keep them
lifted in prayer. Swallow the $90 dollar loss, for this too shall pass.
Don't loose your witness and testimony that God has given you over $90.
Store your riches in heavenly things that will last. Remember this just
may be a test for you!!!!!!!!! My prayers are with both couples. Know that
God is able, Know that he is Jehovah Jireh and that He is the provider
to all that you need as well as this couple......God Bless, Love You!
Dwelling 9/13/00 Is this the first time you have been involved in any type of church planting?
Georgia 9/15/00
Hi,
this is the first church that my husband and I have planted but we were
involved in a previous church plant in another state. When we started helping
the other church there were already
eight other adults. So the
answer to your question Dwelling is: we have been involved in church planting
before but not at this stage. Any advice?
Tina 10/2/00 Today
is my first time looking at this site and being a part of any on-line conversation.
You posted almost a month ago and I hope you're still looking at the responses.
The Lord has given you gifts and talents to use for His glory. Take
the thing that you like doing and do well and run with it. Perhaps
your struggle is more that you're hearing the Lord's call and feeling his
tug for ministry and are
afraid (much like Moses
was). Start where you're fulfilled, if that's Youth Ministry - go
for it! More than likely they're not watching you and waiting for
you to fall, you're just afraid to fail. In any case, work diligently
to please the Lord rather than people and He will take care of the rest.
I don't believe it's your husband's ministry. The Lord has called
the two of you to be one, and it's the Lord's ministry. It sounds
like you can talk to your
husband. Bare your soul with him. Ask him where he sees you
fitting in to the ministry. Ask him what he sees as your gifts and
talents and how he envisions you using them for God's
glory in your church.
Remember the Lord is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all you can
ask or imagine!!
Nina 9/15/00 Susie,
send me your email address, I have something to send you I believe it is
just for you.
Puppetmaker 9/19/00
Why
don't you start a monthly (or weekly) get together fo pastors wives? It
can be a non denominational thing. Meet for lunch, or have everyone
over one evening. Explain that you want to have these meetings to
encourage and strengthen each other, and have peole volunteer to host he
next meetings. You
might have a "problem box" where they can drop questions (or problems)and
the group can discuss them OR have them mail them to you - either way they
can be anonymous. This will help you and them.
JC 9/19/00 I
haven't been to this support board in months, but I just read your plea
for a sister-in-Christ to lend a listening ear. I understand the
need. About five years ago, I finally got up the nerve to share a concern
with another pastor's wife and I've hardly talked to her since. I just
read today in a wonderful study I'm doing by Beth Moore, (Breaking Free),
that not sharing concerns is a form of pride. We need someone safe to unload
on, and I guess a board like this is about the safest!
Puppetmaker 9/19/00
We
did "The Not SO Silent Night" last year with just a few children and it
was great. ALSO check out One Way Street (www.onewaystreet.com) They
have musicals and programs for small groups.
Faith 9/21/00 Hello Emily. I read your post and wanted to ask you about your experience homeschooling and being a pastor's wife and a mother of 5 children. I am a pastor's wife of a church of 100 people and we have 4 children and I am due anytime with our 5th child. We also homeschool our 2 oldest ones ages 8 and 6 1/2. We have a 3 1/2 yr. old and a 2 yr. old. We have homeschooled for 2 years now and it's something that we prayed about for a long time to know what to do. But sometimes it is hard to be flexible when you are a pastors wife and teacher and mother, plus very pregnant!! How is your experience?
Georgia 9/22/00 Hi, we are in the process of planting a church. What kinds of things did you do as outreach in the community to build the Core Team of people? Also, we just started a women's group but haven't planned activities yet other than a craft sale during the holiday months with a few other churches. One other question--we also homeschool our two daughters, ages 13 and 15, and find it very rewarding for all involved. What type of curriculum do you use?
Faith 9/22/00 Hello
Emily. I read your post and was interested in your experience of
being a mother of 5 children, a pastor's wife and homeschool teacher.
I too am a mother of 4 children with our 5th one due anytime. (I
sure wish it were today) My husband has pastored here of 3 1/2 years. Attendance
averages 100 and keeps growing. I have homeschooled our 2 oldest
children ages 8 and 6 1/2 for 2 years now. Our other children are
3 1/2 and 2 yrs. old. Do you ever find it to be overwhelming at times
to be all three? Boy, I do. I am very involved in the ministry
of the church as much as I can as I am worship leader and piano player,I
do Ladies ministries, and childrens Bible class and Nursing Home. Do you
ever
find yourself having to
draw the line somewhere because of your family? We knew and decided a long
time ago that we HAD to put God first, then our family and then the church.
He ordained the family before He ordained the church. I don't want
my children growing up resenting their daddy or myself for having time
for everybody else and never the time for them. After all it is our
obligation to bring them up
in the nurture and the admonishing
of the Lord. But to be able to balance it all, it takes me praying constantly
for wisdom and strength. My help comes from the Lord. I was
just wondering what your experience has been. I'd love to read about
it.
puppetmaker 9/24/00
Homeschoolers-I
homeschooled our children (2 of them -same grade) from 7th
-12 grade. We used
Abeka, ACE(School of Tomorrow), Christian Liberty and American School.
We made sure we went with the plans where they kept the scores and issued
the report cards and or a diploma. We used American for 12th grade
and the children wished we had used it all through high school. They will
be entereing college in Jan. When we started we schooled Mon-THurs and
Friday was field trip/special project day. THat made for a fun time.
We always added an "elective (Christian Liberty has great electives).
We did Home ec-the best home ec I have seen. It included baking bread,
washing windows, making bread, etc. We have always taken our children with
us to Church conf. etc. (even when
in Public school).
We made them keep a journal/scrapbook of each trip. They wrote in the journal
every day and put brochures, etc. in the scrapbook. We always took
time to sightsee wehrever we were. I tried to fins interesting things
to see, such as factory tours, historical sites, etc. THere is a
book called "Watch It Made In the USA." It lists factory tours etc.
I got mine at B. Dalton or Barnes & Noble. We've toured the baseball
bat factory, a coffee mill, ice cream factory, and more. We had a fun time
homeschooling, even though I always said I would never homeschool. The
Lord has a way of changing your mind.
Sue 11/2/00 I
homeschool our three children. I began when our oldest was in Pre-K
-- really as an experiment. (I figured how can I mess up teaching
colors, numbers and ABC's!) Anyway - when my husband became a full-time
pastor 2 years ago - homeschooling our children worked to our advantage.
I am always at church too and am able to take them with me. They
have had quite an "education" seeing the inner workings of a church too.
The other advantage --they get to spend more time with us. As you
know church work does not always end at 5p.m.! We have been using
the ACD or School or Tommorow curriculum as well.
anonymous 9/25/00
Dear
Claire, My husband and I were Associates in a church for 17 years.
When we were led by God to take on a new church, the Senior Pastor had
a very special foot washing
ceremony for my husband
on a packed Sun. morning service, threw a party for us in a fancy hall
and sent us out with his blessings. His wife however never asked
how we were doing, or mentioned the subject. She practically shunned
me for a month because we did a lot for the church that would now fall
on her. The hurt that I still feel over that is often unbearable
and it's over a year ago that we moved on. I still see her and she
still has nothing to say to us about our new ministry nor does she ever
ask how WE are doing. I beg you to bless this couple in every possible
way. In our Senior Pastor's eyes, my husband was his "Timothy" and
it was so good to know that our mentor sent us off with his blessing. However,
the shadow of his wife's awful response to us both has made all he did
for us when we left seem as if it was nothing but a nice gesture.
She never attended the party that was thrown because "she had another engagement"
nor did she even write a card or note of encouragement when we left. Please
pray with them for God's direction. And if God is leading them out, he
will provide another associate who will need to be mentored by you as well.
Remember the church belongs to God, not the Pastor and HE will meet your
every need.
Georgia 9/23/00 At this point in your life the Twila Paris song called "The Warrior Is A Child" definitely applies to you. Have you ever heard it? My only other question for you is have you spoken with your husband about how you are feeling?
Wanell 9/23/00 I
can feel the pain as I read your message. It sounds as if you really need
someone that will listen. I have been married to a preacher for 25 years.
When I read your message, it reminded me of
different stages that I
personally have gone through as a minister's wife. One thing that has helped
me personally was being able to go to a ladies retreat. I know what it
means to follow your husbands dreams. Not long ago, my husband made
the statement to me and our congregation that he knew that I had put my
dreams on hold to follow him. I have taught in 7 different school
districts and at the present
time I am unemployed.
I will never be able to complete enough years to draw full retirement and
the church where he is employed provides no retirement. Sometimes the present
is not very pretty and the future doesn't look too good, but I know over
the 28 years that we have been married that God has been faithful to me.
Remember that God loves you and He is concerned about how you feel. Communication
is important. I'm glad that you have communicated with your doctor. That
is one reason why I like to go to Ladies reatreat, because I can find someone
there who will listen. Can you share your feelings with your husband?
Is he listening to you? I am praying for you. Your friend,
Wanell
puppetmaker 9/24/00
Honey
you need to pray and fast to overcome the bitterness that has overtaken
you. Flush the pills down the commode-your help comes from the Lord, not
pills. Find someone that will pray for you-I mean a real prayer warrior
that will lay hands on you and bind the spirits that you are
fighting (depression, oppression,
etc). You need deliverance. If you don't know anyone email me and
I'll help you find someone. 2. Change your attitude-only you can do this.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, start counting your blessings. Next
you need to sit down and talk to your husband-no whining, just talk. If
you can't do that write him a letter. I think you will be amazed at how
differnet things will be when you get deliverance from the spirits that
bind you. Praying for you!
ACPW 10/9/00 I
feel for you, and I pray that God will assist you in your struggle. I have
been a pastor's wife for almost 20 yrs, and married for 25. My grave "sin"
is that I poured everything about myself i.e. my dreams, visions, energies,
support, into his life and his dreams. All these 25 yrs, I found myself
walking in his shadow, with no real thought for my own destiny. I had always
felt that my destiny was with him, being one with him, but through painful
experiences, i\I have learned that IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!! God has a
set plan for MY LIFE! Yes, I have 4 children, and have given all that I
can to them, but I have always put my husband first, and always sought
to please him. Then, about 3 yrs ago, I discovered that he had an affair
with his secretary, which was at that time, my best friend! When Jesus
made me aware of it, and learning that it had gone on for some 3 yrs, it
SHATTERED MY WORLD!!! I never will forget, however, one tuesday night coming
home from church, I fell on my knees, and wept as though someone
close to me had died. (As someone had...) I felt so empty inside, so disrespected,
so unappreciated for the many years of dedication and faithfulness. I wept
so hard that night that I literally SCARED MYSELF! I THOUGHT I WAS GOING
TO LOSE IT! Then I heard the Lord speak into my spirit and tell me, "NOW
YOU SEE HOW I FEEL WHEN YOU HAVE ANOTHER LOVER OTHER THAN ME". I found
myself in deep repentance! What we do wrong, my dear sister, is that we
center our entire lives around flesh, expecting to be accepted, appreciated,
and needed. We literally lose ourselves in pouring into everything, and
everybody but ourselves, and our relationship with God. My advise
to you my sister, is to GO AFTER GOD FOR YOURSELF! HE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU,
AND IS TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION! HE'S TRYING TO CALL US BACK TO HIMSELF!!!
It has been some 2 years now, since I believe he's stopped the affair,
and though he's/she's never apoligized (the thing that has been most difficult
for me), It has DEMANDED OF ME TO REACH OUT TO GOD, AND GET CONNECTED WITH
HIM!! Since I have come to this conclusion, God has really worked in my
marriage. Also, in respect to my church relationship, I'm learing that
what God has for me is for me, and the anointing on my life CANNOT BE DENIED!!!
HE WILL PREPARE A TABLE BEFORE ME IN THE PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES!! CONNECT
YOURSELF WITH GOD, AND LET GOD TAKE CARE OF HIM!!!!
Victory 9/29/00
I
read your post and I can remember the first year that my husband began
pastoring. He worked a full-time job as a 5th grade public school
teacher and also pastored Full-time. It was such a strain on our
marriage and family. We have 4 children and I stay at home with them.
He would get off from work and go on visitation 2 or 3 places or have to
go to the hospital (which is 45 minutes away) or fix something at the church
or counsel etc. It got to where he would get up in the mornings and
go to work and the kids would be in bed and when he would get home at night,
the kids would be in bed and hardly saw them much less spend time with
them. So, he and I would go round and round about that. But you know
the Lord pricked his heart about what was taking place. He just decided
that his first responsibility was to God then his family and then to the
people of the church. What if he was to win the world for the
Lord and his family go to
Hell? So, now he is full-time pastor and things are much better.
But you know some people still don't understand that he is a father first
and then a pastor and sometimes people don't realize how demanding they
can be.But my husband has learned the hard way that sometimes you just
have to say "No". He has always been a physically hard worker and
you wouldn't believe some of the
things that people call
him up and want him to drop what he is doing like trying to study his Bible
to do something for them. He's learned to draw the line on some things.
That first year of pastoring is tough. You learn a lot! With
a lot of prayer, The Lord will show you and your husband how to balance
family and church. No pastor should ever neglect his family for anyone
else. God bless you dear sister.
Georgia 9/26/00
That
was beautiful, thank you.
Georgia 10/1/00
Maybe
you could do the show "This Is Your Life" for the appreciation and bring
in people he has known over the past sixteen years and those who have influenced
his ministry. Let me know what you come up with as we are searching for
ideas also.
Puppetmaker 10/9/00
I
am praying for you. The scripture comes to mind "How can two walk togehter
unless they be agreed?" I am surprised your marrisge has lasted this
long if you don't believe the same things. Fast and pray for answers
and read the word with an open mind.
Linda C. 10/4/00
I
am sorry you and your husband are experiencing such a difficult time now.
Is there any support out there for you within your denomination?
Your local ministers group? Or friends in other churches that you and your
husband can talk with? Stress can take a toal on both of you that
you don't realize at the time. Do you have children? If so,
I have found that the less they know of what is going on, the better. They
can't do anything about the situation and often will worry more than you
realize. My husband and I will lift you in prayer. I know this
my sound trite, but when problems develop in my life I do ask God what
He wants us to learn from this and how I can cope and minister to my family
and church members. This is a time of strengthing your selves and
growing in your faith, because God is working even in the difficulties
of your life. I know it is difficult to see any good coming from
this but when you look back in years to come you may see the pattern
then. I also know this is not much help now when you are hurting
and your husbanc is ill. But God is with you and he will see you
through this. Maybe this is the time He is going to carry you.
I wish I could be of more help. Look in the Psalms and you will see
that David felt that he was surrounded by enemies and the only thing he
could do was to cry out to
the Lord. I will pray
for you. God bless you and hold you in the palm of his hand.
PW (Actually, these are my initials) 10/8/00 Linda, thank you for responding to my e-mail entry. I feel better now and believe that it is due to prayer. Our God is an awesome God. As I write, my husband is in a meeting he has been dreading. Your suggestions have been helpful,perhaps even a confirmation. I have been thinking of going to a pastor's wife in our town of another denomination. My husband has told me that they have had their struggles. Thank you for your prayers. None of what you have said to me is 'trite'. God bless you!
PW 10/21/00 I
would like to correspond with Linda C.(who answered my e-mail on 10/4)
if she would be willing to give me her e-mail address. Frankly, I felt
criticized by another entry that followed mine saying that we should, in
essence, count our blessings. I love the Lord with all my heart, and have
walked with Him for a number of years, praising Him for his blessings and
His grace and mercy toward me and my family. I probably wouldn't have searched
for this web site if I hadn't been hurting and needing some encouragement.
I am very thankful for this place of refuge to share and hear from others...but
I guess I feel that I would make myself too vulnerable opening up in more
detail to all who see this site. Again, thank you for this place.
Becka 10/6/00 "Praise the Lord!" I feel the same way you do!! Your entry was a breath of fresh air!! I read the entries when I get a chance and sometimes I want to sit and cry for some of the ladies who are really going through trials. When I read your entry, I was really encouraged because I saw that not everyone is so burdened down by the cares of life. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I have had our trials as well but I can honestly say that through it all, He has been our Comfort and Guide just as He said He would!! Thank you for entry and the reminder that our trials are only for a season and that He will guide and protect through every situation!!!
Blessed 10/11/00 Thank you so much for responding! I feel the same way you do when I read the entries by my sisters in ministry. I've prayed for many who have made entries. I also know that our enemy attacks the leaders first. We've had our troubles also, but God's grace has ever been sufficient. If there is one thing I have learned through trials it is that the Lord is Faithful!! You mentioned that our trials are only for a season. When I was going through the most difficult time in my life the Lord ministered that very verse to me. "Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (see 2 Co. 4:7-18). They don't seem light or momentary when we're going through, but when we compare them to eternity they're not all we thought they were! We are very happily married (for nine years) and have two beautiful boys (8 and 6). We have been pastoring the church we are in for a little over a year. Ministry here has been a slow process. When we look at where we were, we think we have come a very long way! When we look at where we want to be, we think we have a very long way to go! Come to think of it, my walk with the Lord is very similar to that also. Please tell me more about yourself.
Puppetmaker 10/9/00 Blessed-yes I too am blessed! Just retruned home from a wonderful church conf and 2 days later left to speak at a womens retreat. God is Good!
Blessed, too! 10/11/00 What a refreshing change of pace from what has been published on this board lately! I too am blessed at this season in my life. Yes there have been MANY hard times and MANY trials but no more or less than if I weren't serving the Lord as a Pastor's wife. Who knows the hardships that would havebeen lurking out there if I had chosen NOT to serve Him? I too am thankful for all of the privileges that have been at my disposal because of my serving position. I too have felt abandoned by God at times, but have seen His "plans" made manifest in ALL of the things I have had t go through. I praise Him with you, "Blessed". We need more encouraging notices on our Support Board to pull one another through. So thankful that I am in a season of my life right now to help my other sisters gain hope and strength in their hour of hardship. Hold on! This too shall pass!
Blessed 10/14/00
Amen
Sister! Ladies, let's continue this! Is anyone else out there
blessed of the Lord. Yes, even through a trial.
Becka 10/6/00 I
would like to say that we were in full time youth ministry for the first
31/2 years of our minisrty and my husband always made it point to have
a "family day". In fact, we still have this practice in play now that we
are senior pastors. On Mondays, he does not go inot the office and we do
no take calls from our people unless there is a dire emergemcy. The church
has really responded to our request and they appreciate the fact that my
husband is such a family man. I think you should try to work something
out with your husband and senior pastor so that you and your children don't
feel so alienated from your husband. It must be dificult for your husaband
as well, to have to spend so much time away from you all. I will pray for
you and yur family that you will be able to come to some sort of arrangement
that will be able to benefit the church and your family.
teri 10/11/00 It
sounds like you have to many things going on in your life. Prioritize.
Is school really necessary right now? Why not wait until your sons
are grown and gone, the time you spend at school is time you could spend
with your sons. Leaving during the sermon only hurts you. Pray-sounds
like bitterness is trying to latch on.
Rachel 10/11/00 You need to talk to someone. You could call Focus on the Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY. They have a pastoral care department.
someonecares 10/11/00
I
agree with Rachel. You need to talk with someone. Focus on
the Family 0is
an excellent choice.
You are correct not to mention it to anyone, especially in your church.
Just from your response to this situation it is quite evident that
you are a very strong woman of God who walks in the spirit. Flesh would
not have allowed you to respond in a Godly way. Forgiveness, healing
and restoration takes a little time. Seek counseling to avoid the
enemy from attacking your mind later. You are going to be fine.
You may not be able to see it now, but this experience is going to open
a door for you to minister to other wives and bring healing and blessings
to their marriage. I will be praying for you, your husband and your
family. It might be a good idea also not to mention the situation
to your daughter. That could be devistating. God Bless You.
teri 10/11/00 I am sorry for what happened, but - why the secrecy? He sinned and needs to ask the forgiveness of the church. I cannot understand why people try to hide a ministers sin. He has to abide by the same book as everyone else. If you hide his sin you are just as guilty as he is.And yes, he is just as much to blame as she is. It takes 2 to commit adultery. Both of you need counseling. Minirth Meyer Clinics counsel with ministers (check the phone book) or call Focus on the Family.
Carole 10/13/00 My heart goes out to you and I'll be holding you and your family up in prayer.
Gail 10/16/00 I
want to thank all of you for responding to my troubles. I know that
all of you are right and I have picked up the phone and have dialed 1-800-A-Family
but always hang up. I just can't right now. I am praying a
lot, but feel so beaten down. The tramp, (I am Christian but this
one is testing my limits), confronted me and told me she loved my husband.
I walked away. She is young and stupid and a sex fiend I think.
I am not defending my husband but he had his clothes partially on.
She was completely naked. So she must have stripped or danced befor
him before he broke down. I am so embarrassed writing this.
He says it is over between them. That the devil has won for the last
time. But I know he is having an affair with another one of our church
members. She is 29 I think. I haven't been
able to prove it but the
signs are there. I am actually thinking of confronting her because
he denies any wrong doing. As sad as it sounds I would like to tell
her that he is cheating on HER with this little tramp. I feel like
such an outsider in my own home. Why does it come down to sex?
Why can't I be praising the Lord and telling of the good things my husband
is doing for others? Well this is a support board and I guess I just
had to tell someone. I have to be strong for my daughter. I
think she knows what happened. What worries me is the tramp my be bragging
about it. I know my husband should have to pay for his sins but I
feel so protective. Am I protective of him or for me? If he
loses his ministry then I don't know what would happen to my daughter and
I. Maybe that is why I let him carry on with this 29 year old.
They have been discreet and I have never caught them but I just know.
They way they look at each other. It is so humilating. I can
be one tough old bird but I am so weak inside. Teri is right to question
why I don't speak up. Believe me I am listening to you all.
I am so mad at women right now. This flaunting and provacative clothes
at the church is wrong and I hate it.
Anonymous 10/16/00 I recall a forgiving Savior standing over a woman who deserved to be stoned in an hour of sin saying, "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more". Not "Go and tell everyone what you did before I forgive you." In this area of ministry we have to remember our children who will suffer MORE than you could believe should this situation be revealed to the congregation. What about the Body of Christ? I'm sure it would go through a painful split because of the Pastor's actions. Should he take a leave of absense to get his priorities in order and receive help? ABSOLUTELY. But in NO WAY should his children, wife and Church Body go through unnecessary trauma if it could be avoided. Gail, USE WISDOM. Get help, show mercy with God's help and the Lord will richly reward you. I pray to God that someone will be there to show mercy to me in a weak hour rather than shoot me down while I'm wounded.
Puppetmaker 10/18/00 you say your daughter goes to school with this girl. IS she a Minor? If so your hubby may be in big trouble with the law. Depends on the laws in your state about the age of consent, and whether or not she decides at some point to try to press charges. You need to discuss this with him, since this will affect all of you. AND trust me-your daughter will hear this, If I were you I would tell her rather than let her hear rumors.
someonecares 10/18/00
Teri,
You ask why the secrecy and he should repent to the church.
Proverbs 17:9 He that covereth
transgression seeketh love, but he that repeateth a matter separateth very
friends. The wife, husband and the other woman were the only people
there. Not the entire church. The wife was the one really
hurt in the situation and she forgave him. It will take time for
the hurt to heal and total restoration. Later there may be a need
to go before the church but now there is no reason to cause more confusion
or the disruption. Don't be fooled, Gods word is true. This
sin will not go unpunished. The Lord will handle this. It is
not up to us to provide punishment or the church. God handles his
leaders and teachers. We should just pray for them. I would
much rather be punished by someone other that God. After his repentence
and confession he may have a humble spirit and may come before the church
with a repentant spirit. But that's between him and the Lord. My
prayers are continuously for Gail and her family.
God Bless!
ACPW 10/18/00 I feel for you and pray for you. I'm sure the situation was devistating, for you. Please know that it is important that you not blame yourself for his failure! I've been there, done that, keeping the secrecy for the sake of his ministry and the congregation. I realize that many would agree that that's not right, but I found that I had to seek God in what to do. My heart blead for the ministry, the saints! I had to come to the realization that IT'S GOD'S CHURCH, and HE WILL TAKE CARE OF HIS HOUSE!! He that covereth his sins will not prosper!! IF GOD SEES IT AND DOESN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, WHAT WAS I TO DO? I cannot deny what happened, and will not lie and say it never did, if confronted, but I found that my greatest battle was WITH MYSELF! What do I do? I knew he would not consent to counseling, so I had to find help for myself!! God will send you a REAL FRIEND (not of your congregation), with whom you can confide. It is important that you get it out. A MINISTE OR CLERGY whom you trust is also ADVISEABLE. He will guide you, and help you to maintain your state with God. BOUNDARIES MUST BE SET!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS BEHAVIOR!! GOD WILL DIRECT YOU!! HEALING WILL TAKE TIME, BUT HE HAS TO HAVE A HEART TO CHANGE!!! I STAYED WITH MY HUSBAND BECAUSE GOD DID NOT GIVE ME LEAVE TO GO! THROUGH MUCH, MUCH PRAYER, GOD IS RESTORING THINGS, AND THE CHURCH HAS SURVIVED!! LET YOUR STEPS BE ORDERED BY GOD!! HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH THIS! I'M A WITNESS!!!
Gail 10/20/00
My goodness and praise the Lord but this is a wonderful wonderful board.
I feel a great spirit in me at this time. You have read my posts
and you have responded in kind. I have held this pain in for so long
that it was a relief to finally speak up and out. My hands are shaking
but I feel strong. Please forgive me but I have chosen my path on
this matter. I have read all your words of wisdom and agree with
you all. Your prayers and words have helped me so much. My
path is to confront my husband on this. He was wrong to have sex
with that 17 year old. He has asked for forgiveness and as usal I
forgave him. I know I should tell someone about it but I just can't
right now. I am almost absolutely positive he is having an affair
with another woman in our church. She is 29, bright, beautiful, and
I feel that he is only staying with me because he wants to avoid any scandal
whatsoever. I often wonder if he loves our daughter. I think his
ego has gotten so big he is possessed by the devil himself. His sermons
have become a show. He is handsome and I am wondering if he wants
bigger and better things. He never confides anymore in me.
He was never as boisterous or holy roller or what I like to call a rock
and roll preacher before. My father never liked him and still doesn't.
I was born into a strict Catholic family. I never knew how strict
till I told my parents I was seeing a born again sooon to be minister.
I thought my father was against my husband because he wasn't Catholic.
My husband, wasn't exactly respectful of my father's faith either.
He immediately tried to explain than unless you accept Jesus Christ as
your personal savior...I don't have to tell you. They locked horns
immediately. My father claimed he thought he was a phoney from the beginning
and not because of his faith. I rarely see my parents anymore.
Which is sad. My daughter is very rebellious. She does things her
way. I think the little tramp has told people at her school what
happened. I think my daughter has heard it. I am going to sit
down and talk
to her about it all.
I am going to ask her what she has heard. I am scared but this has
to be done. Then I am going to talk to him. I want to know
about his girlfriend or if she is even his girlfriend. I want him
to know that this man of God is also causing pain to the two people he
should love the most. I am so scared but so strong because of all
of you. He is a screamer but I am strong. Do not worry my daughter
will not be around when we have our talk. Thank you all again.
flower 11/6/00 I
don't know what has progressed with your husband, but I agree with Teri
that this cannot remain a secret. Your husband needs to confess his sin
and step down from being a pastor at this church until he works his lustful
struggles out with God. He is destroying not only his marriage and family,
but other women in the church. It is damaging to the congregation for him
to be their pastor. He needs to leave the pastorate.
Teri 10/13/00 There are still ministers who live what they teach ( I know plenty, including my husband). Those that don't are hypocrits. The Bible says a bishop should be blameless. One of the reasons these ministers get away with it is because people are willing to keep things secret and back them even when they are wrong. I can't find anywhere in the word where people who hid sin were blessed. They need to repent, confess and really - they need to find another profession. If they can't serve God and overcome temptation they need to be in another line of work. Yes, they need friends, but not friends who condone their sin. If you think I am being judgemental I am sorry, but the Book is pretty explicit on fornicaiton and adultery. If I were you I would find a church where the ministers lives in a way that is pleasing to God and worthy of the office he holds.
soneonecares 10/18/00
I
could be wrong but in all of your message you sound very hurt by all of
this. If you hadn't said who you were in the beginning I would have
assumed you were the wife. In fact you only mentioned the wife twice.
Maybe you need to step back. I think that you may have unknowingly
become
attracted to this man.
Listening to the way you describe him and how the attendance of the
other woman really bothers you. I think you need to remove yourself.
The Lord provides a way of escape. Take it and run. Continue to pray
for the pastor and his wife. You have insight on many things going on so
you can pray directly on target. When we won't listen to friends,
who are sincerely trying to help us, the Lord has a way of getting our
attention. You've done all that you can do. Give it to the
Lord and take
your hands off. God Bless
you for your deep concern.
tm 10/14/00 I think you had better pray and study the word. you are asking for a lot of trouble in an interracial marriage.
georgiegirl 10/19/00 I APPRECIATE YOU RESPONDING. READING & UNDERSTANDING THE WORD AS WELL AS CONTINUOUS PRAYER IS BASIC FUNDAMENTAL THINGS WE ARE DOING. WE ARE NOT OPPOSED TO INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE, AS THE BIBLE SEEMS TO ADDRESS OUR VIEWS. I WOULD APPRECIATE ALL PW'S TO GIVE ME SOME PRACTICAL ADVICE ON THE QUESTIONS THAT I PREVIOUSLY ADDRESSED. PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME. THIS ISN'T A QUESTION OF RACIAL MARRIAGES BUT PREPARATION IN BEING A NEWLYWED PASTOR'S WIFE AND LEARNING HOW TO PREPARE AND BE THE BEST I CAN BE FOR BOTH GOD AND MY HUSBAND, SUCH A GODLY CALLING. I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU PW'S AS TO WHAT ADVICE THAT YOU WOULD GIVE. GOD BLESS.
pw 10/19/00 Alright, here I go again....now, I have a question for "tm" (10-14-00) who responded to a plea for advice on marriage and starting ministries with her husband (Georgiagirl:10-12-00). First of all, if I could remember correctly "tm", this person never asked for your suggestions on interracial marriage. Apparently they both love each other dearly. The most intelligient thing for you to do is to give logical advice on whatever is being asked. And just where in the bible are you referring to concerning interracial marriage? I know, in the Old Testament God commanded the Israelites not to inter-marry because He was trying to perserve that particular nation for the coming of the Messiah and out of fear that they would be influenced to serve other "gods". From what I understand, "Georgiagirl" and her fiance are equally yoked as far as their beliefs...why else would they be starting a ministry together? Maybe I am reading more into your response than what was intended. If so, I do apologize. As Christians, we should be encouraging others to do what the spirit leads them to do and to make sure that whatever they do that they are in the will of God.Personally, I do feel that marriage should be considered before attempting to start a ministry together because satan will try to use it as a weapon and most of all, God honors marriage and it gives more strength and power to the relationship!!! But, outside of that advice, I just simply encourage them to do whatever the spirit leads them to do...if they are of the "same mind and spirit". I know of some couples that are of the same race that are probably having more trouble in their marriage and ministry than those that are of an interracial relationship. Just read some of the post on this message board!!! So, race has nothing to do with believers encountering problems....trials and tribulations will surely come!! Christ came for all and most importantly, Isaiah 55:8-9 tells us "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord....For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts!" And I will leave it at that!!! God Bless you!
GEORGIEGIRL 10/20/00 MY DEAREST PW, OH HOW I APPRECIATE YOUR TRUE HONEST AND SINCERITY IN YOUR STATEMENT. IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER THOUGHTS AND ADVICE FOR ME I SURELY DO APPRECIATE IT. WE TRULY ARE OF ONE HEART AND MIND. THERE IS NO QUESTION IN OUR HEARTS THAT WE BELONG TOGETHER IN THE MINISTRY AS WELL AS BEING MARRIED. I AM NOT YOUNG AND NIEVE. I AM 47 YEARS OLD AND HE NEARLY 51 YEARS OLD. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN A MINISTER'S WIFE BEFORE AND I WOULD LIKE TO BENEFIT FROM ALL OF YOUR EXPERIENCE. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! GOD BLESS YOU ALL.
Blessed 10/23/00
You
brought up valid points that cannot be overlooked as you made your decision.
You've already been ministering together, and the Lord has called and given
a vision to both of you. To answer before or after marriage?
Two dangers I see are (1) sexual purity: You will grow very close
as you pray and minister alongside one another. This will be an even
greater temptation since you've both been married before. You must
have some very practical boundaries set up to keep from temptation in this
area as it could destroy not only any ministry the Lord has called you
to, but also your family and yourself. (2) That one of you changes
your mind about getting married. You say "I do" to for better or
for worst, in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer, till death.
You make a covenant when you marry (I suggest studying covenants in the
Word). Are you both willing to say "I do" when you think of the absolutely
worst, sickness, etc. If your commitment goes beyond all of that
now, you won't try to break a covenant later. Should you start a
ministry together before marriage and either one of you backs out of the
marriage-where does that leave the ministry? Regarding the calling
that you will endure? You will greatly be blessed of the Lord as
you answer the call of the Lord of the harvest to go out into His harvest
field and be a laborer. Keep it in perspective. He is the Lord,
you are the laborer. Somebody did their job and prayed for the Lord
of the harvest to send forth a laborer and you heard the Lord call and
answered send me. It is an exciting thing to do and the Lord has
a very special plan and future for you! Not that you won't face hardships
(just read the other postings on this board), but when you put your trials
in light of eternity our biggest trials are not so big after all.
May the Lord give you wisdom and grace as you seek His face regarding this
decision!
Butterfly 10/19/00 Dear sister in the Lord, my heart weeps for you. I would like to share some encouragement with you but please take everything I say to the Lord in prayer and judge it with the Word of God. I too am very far away from my family and am ministering with my husband full-time for the first time in our marriage so, I can relate to that degree. Being newly married is difficult enough but being in the ministry on top of it all adds so much more than I would even want to think about. It seems to me that you really should seek some serious counsel and support for not just you but if your husband is willing he needs it if not more than you. I have been married for 10 1/2 yrs. to my husband and never has he conducted himself in that manner. If I ever have had any concern he is very sensitive and tries to make sure that he is not ever giving a wrong impression to me or any other person. It would seem your husband is not using wisdom nor is he giving your feelings enough consideration. That does not mean that he is necessarily in sin at this present time or isn't. In the meantime, believing the best in your husband is important but when you see him acting in a way that gives you concern it is wise to continually stay on your knees in prayer for him. If there is a problem or a sin the Lord will reveal it in His time. You have stated to your husband these actions by this woman and his response make you uncomfortable and really that's all you can do. Praying that God will soften his heart toward you and open his ears to you and that the Lord will keep your husband from the schemes and tactics of the enemy will do more than you could ever do in yourself. Pray the Word of God over your husband and remember the Lord is so faithful. You are a delight to the Lord and He will never leave you alone, He promises that to us. I know that the loneliness and the what if's can get overwhelming but think on things that are lovely and of good report. Don't allow the ememy opportunity to attack your mind right now. Even if everything you see points in the wrong direction until you know for sure believe the best and pray hard and please know that I will be praying for you. Zeph. 3:17 says "The Lord God Almighty is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. You are the beloved of your Heavenly Father and He longs to be your strength, hope and joy right now. You are precious to Him and if He knows the sparrow that falls from the tree how much more does He know what you're facing right now. In Him is all wisdom and He will guide you and direct your path even concerning this. He loves you and your husband so much and I promise He will be with you. Keep in touch, it is good for you to let this out somehow and this seems like a safe place. I hope to hear from you. Don't give up.
acpw 10/20/00 I
understand your pain and your fear. What is important for you to do is
to stay prayerful. Ask God to open your husband's eyes that he can see
the snare of the enemy which is heading his way. The bible does tell us
to shun the very appearance of evil. You're not off to feel the way that
you do. sometimes we see things that they don't see. If after you've searched
yourself, and found that it's not just a jealous thing going on in you,
but what's going on is still disturbing your spirit, then pray and ask
God to reveal it, open it up, expose to you what's going on! Men
don't often want to believe us when we tell them that there's danger! They
want to accuse us of being insecure, but what they fail to realize is that
EVE CONFRONTED THE SERPENT FIRST!! SHE CAN IDENTIFY THE DEVIL!! THAT'S
WHY SATAN HATES US SO MUCH!!! Stay under the blood of Jesus, and TRUST
HIM TO DEAL WITH YOUR HUSBAND... "LORD, OPEN THE YOUNG MAN'S EYES, IN JESUS
NAME"! BE ENCOURAGE,!
AND STAY CLOSE TO
GOD! DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BECOME SO OVERWHELMED THAT YOU LOSE FOCUS
OF GOD! THIS IS ONLY A DISTRACTION--FOR YOU, YOUR HUSBAND, AND THE MINISTRY,
BUT NO WEAPON FORMED CAN PROSPER!!
SadMolly 10/23/00
Thank
you, Butterfly, and Acpw for your prayers and words of encouragement.
If either of you would like an email "penpal" I could sure use another
Pastor's wife to correspond with. I took such encouragement from
your words, and have been praying that my husband will see the truth in
what I say. I was encouraged today, that he brought his books home
to study. I really had to talk him into this, but is it a day when
the church office is "closed", and they don't even answer the phone, but
his secretary and he are there alone. At least he honored me by coming
home after an hour or so. But the situation is still very disturbing
to me. He seems to think I am continually negative all the time.
I am struggling with making sure that I am actually "dying to self" each
day, and that is hard. I would love to have someone to write back
and forth with. This is a tiny remote town, and I don't know who
I could go to for counseling here, although I would like to. I do
not think my husband would go, although I haven't asked him yet.
And thank you again!
Ruth 10/22/00 I'm
glad you found this website too. If you can write some of the things that
are causing you so much pain perhaps someone here can help you get through
this very difiicult time. There is a lot of advice that could be given
as people gave to Job, but I think the thing that helps the most is having
someone to talk to who really listens! When you are a Pastor's wife, I
have found that those people are few and far between. This is an excellent
way to reach out and have some conversation with those of us who have been
there, done that and felt at times like you do now.
Kimberlie 10/19/00
I
just read your message and I am in a similar situation. My husband
and I KNOW it is time for us to leave our current pastorate. We are
even farther away from friends than you and I know all too well how lonely
it is. I wish I had some easy solution to give you, but the only
thing I have found that really helps is getting alone with God. There
are times that my heart aches with loneliness, I have found no one in our
church that I even connect with. ( We are in a "mission field" and the
cultural differences are huge!) But when I go to pray, I just share
the loneliness with God and somehow His grace is ALWAYS sufficient!
As far as your husband goes, try and sit down and talk. I know it
sounds cliche, but I have found in recent day, that these times in the
life of a pastor are extremely difficult on them. With my husband,
I am trying to give him space and still be close enough to hold his hand
when he needs it! You will be in my prayers!
Donna 10/20/00 This
to will pass! I know that's true, but when you are in the middle of trials
and tribulations you want it to pass quickly. I hurt and want it to be
over. People are cruel!
Blessed 10/23/00 Donna, Pray, Pray, Pray!! In your words I see a very spiritual battle. After two years of very effective ministry, you are under attack. You will find your strength to endure in the Word and in Prayer! Don't grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up! (Gal 6:9) The Lord will protect your reputation as you submit yourself to Him in living upright before Him. Re-visit the life story of Joseph in Genesis and allow it to be a source of strength and encouragement. Even though he had every right in our eyes to seek vengence for the wrong that was done to him by his own brothers, he saw God's hand in his past, present, and future! I'd also like to recommend a book to you that I am currently reading. The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. It's basic content is dealing with offense. Even though you're hurt because these are false accusations, pray Psalm 139:23-24. Again, the most important thing you can do right now is to PRAY!! I cannot emphasize this enough. There have been times when in the midst of a battle I'd failed to realize it was a spiritual battle and tried to fight in the natural - You too are in a spiritual battle my sister! Fight in prayer! I find great joy in leading someone to the Lord and discipling one-on-one. There you can serve, give and it is very wanted, needed, and appreciated!
GEORGIEGIRL 10/25/00
I
READ YOUR NOTE.I ALSO FEEL YOUR PAIN. I AM NOT YET A PW, YET AS A
WOMAN IN THE LORD I, TOO, HAVE BEEN ACUSED BY THE BRETHEREN. DON'T
BE ALARMED AT THIS! JESUS SAID WE WOULD BE ACCUSED AND THE SCRIPTURES
DO STATE THAT WE WILL ALSO SUFFER AS HE DID, "TO HAVE FELLOWSHIP WITH HIS
SUFFERINGS". THE CHURCH WORLD IS VERY MUCH IN THE "PROSPERITY
" CHRISTIAN LIFE. I DON'T SEE WHERE THE TRUE MEANING OF "PROSPERITY"
ONLY REFERS TO MONEY AND WORLDLY PLEASURES OF THIS LIFE.. IT MAY
BE GOOD TO DO A WORD STUDY ON THAT. THEN WE GET DEPRESSED BECAUSE
OF REALITY OF THIS JUST DOESN'T JIVE. WE LIVE IN AN INPERFECT WORLD
AND KNOW THAT WE ARE JUST PASSING THROUGH TO THE NEXT WORLD.
I KNOW IT IS DIFFICULT FOR OTHERS, ESPECIALLY CHIRISTIANS, TO ACCUSE
US. BUT REALIZE THAT THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO, FORGIVE THEM,
PRAY FOR THOSE WHO DESPITEFULLY USE YOU, AND MOVE ON IN YOUR WALK
IN A SPIRIT OF HUMILITY. GOD , I BELIEVE, IS LOOKING TO MOLD US ,
BREAK US, SO THAT WE TOO CAN BE A SERVANT TO THOSE WHO ARE NEEDY.
BE OF GOOD CHEER!! PERHAPS HE IS BRINGING YOU TO A NEW LEVEL IN HIM,
ONE OF MATURITY. IF THOSE THAT YOU MINISTER TO DO NOT WANT IT, SHAKE
THE DUST OFF YOUR FEET (AS HARD AS IT MAY BE) AND MOVE FORWARD. IN
TIME PERHAPS THEY WILL KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE DONE AND PERHAPS WILL APOLOGIZE
AGAIN IN TIME. THE PURPOSE IS TO BE A HUMBLE GODLY PERSON TO MINISTER
TO THOSE WHO ARE BROKEN AND NEEDY. MOST OF THESE PEOPLE I FIND ARE
NOT IN THE SO CALLED CHURCHES BUT ON THE STREETS, SHELTERS, JAILS, ECT.
DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR THE LORD AND THINK(EVEN UNCONSCIOUSLY) THAT YOU WILL
GET SOMETHING IN RETURN ( AT LEAST NOT ON THIS EARTHLY LIFE). BUT
DO IT AS ONTO THE LORD. BELIEVE ME HE KNOWS!! AND HE UNDERSTANDS!!!
HE SEES YOUR PRECIOUS HEART MY SISTER. YES, YOU ARE HUMAN BUT SO
WAS HE ON EARTH. HE FELT OUR PAIN, EMOTIONS, ECT. I WILL BE
PRAYING AND I DO HOPE THAT I HAVE HELPED. I SAY THESE THINGS BECAUSE
I, TOO, HAVE SUFFERED GREATLY!!!!! EVEN WITH MY VERY OWN CHILDREN,
FAMILY, FRIENDS, & CLERGY. WE ALL ARE IMPERFECT AND HAVE MADE
MISTAKES. I DO UNDERSTAND. BUT WE CAN PRESS ON BECAUSE IT IS
ALL ABOUT HIM!! HE IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!!!!!!!!
djk 11/8/00 It
was great to read your post. The thing that I have found in ministry
with my husband is that it IS a team effort. He has always been available
to me or our children. I know the direct number to his office and
I know that I can freely use it if I need to. What I have learned
is to respect that fact. It is a priviledge that my husband has granted
me that I don't abuse. The best part is in knowing that I come first.
There are still times when we get those priorities out of whack either
with each other or with the kids but we do try to be consistent.
Sometimes the demands at church are great and sacrifices are made, but
for the most part, I know and my children know that my husband's door is
always open to us. It breaks my heart to hear PW's who are struggling
to maintain their relationships with their husbands. I encourage
all of you to set aside special time EACH WEEK with your husbands.
Maybe to just sit on the couch and hold hands. But remember that
you are a model for your church. Our lives are definately not perfect
but we should have happiness and joy. Blessings to all and thanks
again for your words Someonecares!!! ><>
someonecares 10/25/00
Why
is this woman in your home. There should be boundaries set.
Forgiveness is needed and restoration will come with time. As you pray
for her, you will find yourself being free to love her as a christian,
but she can no longer be your best friend. Having an affair with
your husband says that she really wasn't much of a friend anyway.
You have to set boundaries in order to
move on with your marriage
and family. The devil is real. He will come in anyway he can;
through friends or family. This battle is not about flesh. It's spriritual
warfare. Put your focus on whats best for your marriage and family.
Pray, Pray, Pray. God will give you the answers you need.
Dee Ann Miller 10/26/00
I
just came across this site and am impressed. Don't know when I will
be able to get back to it. As a minister's wife of over 30 years,
as well as a writer who specializes in clergy sexual miscconduct and clergy
domestic violence, I will be happy to respond to your concerns and those
of any others.
someonecares 11/14/00
All
of us who have been pregnant have had insecurities about our bodies at
some point and time.
The fact that your husband tells you that he cares about you is a blessing.
You've got to pray for deliverance with your insecurities. There
are always going to be women who are physically more attractive that us
but true beauty is from within. You have to stop opening a door for
the enemy to come in. You're giving him an open invitation. Don't
bring these women into your home with conversation about them to your husband.
Think about it. He comes home to you at night. He married you.
You must be a special person and apparently you have qualities that he
is drawn to. You may not have the gifts that the other women have
but you have the gift of providing loving home for your husband.
Count your blessings. You are truly blessed and it sounds like you have
a husband who really loves you.
someonecares 11/14/00
Just
a warning. You are heading in the right direction but I must warn
you that once you get involved in your ministry and you are not focusing
on your husband, he is going to make a turn and began to seek attention
from you. By this time you will be so involved in your ministry that
you will not be bother by
the fact that he is busy. In actually the tables will turn.
He will require more from you and will be able to understand what you are
feeling. I've been where you are. It's going to be an
awesome experience.
God bless you in your ministry.
a friend 11/19/00
I
sense that you are angry, bitter and frustrated. Please try to get the
victory over these things as they will destroy you. The enemy sure likes
to help us see all kinds of faults in our spouses - he never bothers to
help us see the good stuff. It sounds like you were involved in ministry
of a different sort before you were married. It sounds like you were very
independent and there is nothing wrong with that... Except that it can
cause problems in a marriage. The Bible admonishes us to "forget the things
that are behind and reaching for the the things that are ahead."
That part of your ministry is finished, but there are better days ahead.
Isn't there some way you can be involved in music ministry where you are,
so you can use your talents? Couseling would be of great benefit
to both of you, and could drastically help your marriage. Obviously
there were things about this man that attracted you to him. Pray
that God will let you see those things again. I'll be praying for you.
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