For Shannon 9/23/02 I am not sure if anyone
has replied. Be encouraged. Yes, I believe it is possible to forgive someone without letting them back in your life. My
ex-husband was physically abusive among other things. To be safe, I had to leave. I agonized over that situation, until I just
received peace. I have since found that this was the right thing to do. He has re-married and abused this new woman and their
child, requiring FBI involvement (sounds like a movie---I only wish it were that easy.) Now I know that I don't have to feel
guilty for leaving him. Just as I learned in my situation (I bore a lot of grief and guilt) you can forgive, then move on in peace.
Pray for the person who has hurt you. Vengence is mine (God's) saith the Lord. My final Question----would you let a child
molester back into your child's life even if you had forgiven them? No mother in her right mind would. Forgive from a distance,
especially where mental, emotional and physical safety is concerned. I love you and embrace you. Please feel this genuine hug from a distance.
Jodie 11/25/99
How
did you support and encourage your husbands BEFORE becoming Pastor's wives?
My husband has his degree, and is studying for his Masters, but has done
no candidating. We have gone to talk to a local church who is looking for
a youth pastor/worship leader where the pastor is a good
friend. If that is not God's
will for us, we have no other prospects. Currently we are the youth leaders
at our church on a volunteer basis. Our pastor is manipulative and exhibiting
symptoms of paranoid sychophrenia and more, possibly due to health problems,
however his behavior is such that we have no idea whether to believe him
or not. As such, my husband has no idea how he will become ordained.
Our pastor has run off the previous 4 youth/associate ministers. So, not
only are we in a delicate situation, but we cannot see getting any type
of favorable reference. We can't even tell him we are candidating, without
fear of being tossed out on our ears! We have determined that we
are going to do the right thing, so a good many weeks finds us covering
for a man who is hurting sheep, and at the same time raising up leaders
who will be able to take our place. --- My husband says he doesn't want
to candidate - he believes that if God wants him to pastor, that God will
just open up the door. Meanwhile he is eating himself alive with
the agony of wanting so desparately to serve God on a full time basis.
I know his motives are pure, as we have been through about all two people
could in our 20 years of marriage and Christian service. He is just at
the point of knowing that God has put so much in him that he wants to share,
knows he is a good administrator and leader, and most importantly, has
a heart of compassion and is really a true sheperd. So, I would like to
hear your experiences. I've never heard of anyone getting a church without
looking for one. I don't know what God had for us, but if we don't go with
this friend's
church, I would really have
to say that I don't know if we could take working under another control
freak. I know my husband has what it takes to grow a great church, even
if from the ground up. We have had small groups that grew from ourselves
and 3 women to over 70 people, and then split to become 3 more groups.
But we both strongly believe in the transfer of authority from a "parent"
church, and accountability to other sister churches. We do not want to
continue in the very limited church association that we are currently in,
so we have no idea what resources might be available.
kehau 11/30/99
Anyone
out their starting a parochial school? Having difficulties with the
School Director? I sure would like to hear from You! I am so tired
of all this garbage! Is there anyone who has experience starting
a parochial school? Specifically being persecuted by the School Director,
and staff? Please share your experiences.
Jackie 12/1/99
I
want to honor our senior pastor's wife. We have 11 pastors at our
church and over the next several months we would like to honor them all.
I'm thinking you would be the best people to ask what ministers to you
the most, from your church body. Bad news is we want to honor her
at a
Christmas brunch in two
days! HELP!
Sandy 12/2/99 Where
have you been all my life? I've been needing an "outside" source
of encouragement, direction etc. for a while....I'm not sure how to use
your boards but I'm going to keep trying....please stay in touch....How
do you handle personal criticism (both real issues and imangined issues).
It seems the more I try the worse it gets...and frankly I'm "feeling" a
tad lonely....The Lord has been wonderful...and I'm sure He's after some
heart issue in my life, I just don't seem to see what it is exactly....my
husband ended up being the sole pastor after a church slit two 1/2
or 3 years ago...things are only now settling down and the criticism toward
him is finally dieing off....but now the focus is on me.....it's tempting
to just hide out and not interact, but I know that's wrong....help!
nadia 12/5/99 Christmas
is around the corner and wouldn't you know it, our ladies group is having
a christmas do. Does anyone have any suggestions for games that could
be played. We will be in a restaurant. We want something that will
break the ice and get people talking. Thanks for suggestions.
S virture c 12/6/99
I
don't have any ideas to share I wish I did. But I am desperetely
unhappy with my spouse of whom is a pastor It is a situation of 8 years
of up and down roller coaster unhappiness. My
husband has a problem of
allway's wanting thing's his way. No matter what cost. For
instance when we had a church out in the valley we went through allot of
financial problem's with our home and with our
church. I did not
work and we had seven kid's. We lost our church and our brand new
1st home because of my husband trying to balance his money with the
chruch money. The church check's somehow bounced because of poor
management on the people he put in charge, so we lost our home.
We moved and leased a home and wanted to buy but my husband said we did
not have the money. But I found out while looking though the mail
that he had taken out a loan for a large amout of money and was giving
to the church to by a new building. He did not include me in any
of the plans of the church. so we lost another home because we did not
have a down payment to buy of home because it was given to the church.
We lost that church too because of the poor management of the fund's by
the same person my husband put in charge. My children have been to
too many schools and three differ home's in 7 years time. Now we
live with my mom and dad in the city and it was ok for a while until my
husband stoped giving them any money or helping our with bills. They
a fully supporting us. The husband claims that all of his money is
going to our oldest child who is now in college. We have soom serious
financial problems and the husband will not discuss any of it with me.
Now our church is in a hotel and they are trying to buy another building.
Now the huband want's us to move back to the valley to be near this church
and he does not care about putting the kid's into other schools again.
And every sunday morning he is very adimit about all of us going to church.
Aside from in the past when we had church member's that where mean and
unfriendly, now we have better people in the church that pay tithes and
give and are kind , I and my family have been though some hard time's.
Lights cut off to water cut off the cable being cut off Now I know what
to think or do. I have been in this marrige for 8 years and I keep
hoping for some change in my husband. I now have a job but my husband
does not really care if I lose it by moving. It is hard for me to
pray about this I have tired but it seems like when I pray about this that
the lord is just still on it not moving or pulling or changing anything.
I feel like I don't want to go to church any more. And I don't want
to hear my husband preach any more. I feel that he is wrong in all
of this and because of it our finance is all messed up. I feel that
we will never be blessed with a home of our own or a real church home of
our own because my husband can not manage money. do you have any
one that understands or know's what I'm going through. I am thinking
of just not going to our church any more. I feel like takeing
me and the kid to another church on sunday and letting my husband go on
to his church. Beside the money, my husband is very cold and quiet
most of the time. What do I need to do?
senoja 12/12/99
My
heart went out to you as I read your letter. First of all there are many
sacrifices that Pastor's wives make concerning parsonages, lifestyle etc.
However, before there was a church God created Adam & Eve, the family.
One of the requirements for pastoral leadership is being able to suffiently
run their own household and that does not end when that Man of God is chosen
as pastor or elder. Pray and fast for your husband; intercede for him.
Ask God to brind divine intervention to help your husband in the weakness
of money management. All pastors have weaknesses. Pray that God will
send him Godly persons who are able to be a support and not a hindrance
to your husband's ministry. Pray with your husband and tell him with a
gentle spirit your concerns and hurt. Preacher kids can offer suffer from
resentment and bitterness toward tbe church if they feel their own needs
are neglected. Your husband's first priority is to his family. 1.)God
2.) Family 3.) Church -- God and church are not necessarily the same thing,
many pastors try to equate the two. When you know God you have a relationship
with him. If you don't have a relationship with God yet you are leading
a church, what is the difference betweeen you and the president of a civic
club or social club. As a pastor's wife, I know that my husband loves the
Lord, so when I have concerns, I come from the Word of God. You will be
in my prayers, my sister. Hold On, Glory is on the way!
TT 12/13/99 I
understand your situation about finance, there is nothing that I cannot
stand than mismanagment, it is not so much about having little, but managing
the little you have, sister, right all I can say to you is for you to keep
praying like the woman in luke 18, I have been in the situation where I
have felt God if you don't answer me I will fast my self to death, seriously,
I have started seeing little changes but it has been a long hardous journey
to seeing a grown man not know how to secure his family, I will continue
to pray for you and your four children, leaving him is not really the answer,
the grass may look greener on the other side but when you get there you
start to see how mushy the grass is, may the Lord comfort you at this time
and may you be able to draw strength from him and give you the wisdom of
rejoicing in Him even amidst his situation. God bless and keep you,
He said he is a witness between us and our husband, report him to His creator
and see the Lord take control of the situation.
Saduse 3/25/00 It
sounds like you and your husband need some marriage counciling to save
your marriage before ministry and male ego takes its tole. I've been
drug from pillar to post for over 20 years by my husband on search of his
dreams. When he interred the ministry I thought the search was over, that
he had found his calling and I a home. A man, especialy a carnal man finds
his self worth in his
occupation or calling where
as woman find there identity in the family and home making. Its kind of
hard to make a home when you don't have one . Both male and female need
to find your identity in the lord but if you aren't on the same page before
you know it you won't even be in the same library. Catch the little
foxes that spoil the vine.
Comunication is a must. Don't drop out of church. satans tactac is to divid
and conqure. Make sure your husband knows you love him and believe in him
but let him know honestly how you feel. Pray, pray pray then exspress yourself.
Lord God I hold this precious family up to you in prayer. Give this wife
wisdom from on high , gidance and suport. Make her husband willing to listin
to council. Your good will dear lord in Jesus name I pray
hJoterry 12/6/99
Hi
ladies! I to am so happy and blessed to have found this terrific
site. I am a true
believer that pastor's wives
are in a category all by themselves and in order to be fully understood,
we must talk to our own kind, each other. My husband is pastor/founder
of our wouderful church. I really thank God for all He's doing in this
ministry and how He's causing the church to grow. My concern is this. Should
a pastor go to a seminary, or some type of college and obtain a degree
in order to be a successful pastor? Does having a degree determine how
the church as a whole will prosper both spiritually and physically? My
husband is happy and seems very content. He loves reading and has a nice
size library. Thank you for your responses.
Merry 12/7/99 Praise
God from whom all blessing flow....Hurt is so overwhelming. Today
I had a rough day. I ask God why. I have always tried to be
kind to people and most of all to my husband who is a Pastor. I asked
hime today why are you haveing an affair am I not enoungh for you.
It makes me feel less than a woman, ugly, not appealing. Yet he says
he loves? I am aware that this particular woman has flirted with
him for a long time but but when will he stop. When the church has
fallen apart, when I walk out on him. Whenn.....He told me today
I am the reason he does not goto meetings etc. I quickly
informed please go.
But what he is afraid of is I will not stay home and I will not!!!
He is horrified that what he is doing I will do. I am not but I will
not stay in the house while he wonders in the street. I have gone
through this before an I will not stand for it again. I have no children
to keep me there. I have given upo allof my friends and he wants
me to be a homebody. He just feels threatened. I am just airing
out my feelings.
Bunny 12/10/99
My
darling, darling Sisters: I haven't visited this site in a while,
but it appears that SO many of you are in hurting and in pain! Although
I cannot respond to each and every one of you personally, I want you ALL
to know that I will be praying for the situations mentioned. The
adultery, the financial problems, the loneliness, the feelings of inadequacy,
the confusion and most of all, the sheer hopelessness that so many of you
express - Let's all agree to take to our heavenly Father in prayer.
Sisters, there is power in prayer and you all know that the Bible says
that 1 can put a thousand to flight, and 2 can put ten thousand to flight!!
Let's make a pact to pray for all of the PWs on this board at least once
a day and especially on SUNDAY!! I love you gals - and remember:
We can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us. Smooches!!
katie 12/10/99
I
am not a pastor's wife. I am single. I was wondering if you ladies
could give me advice. The pastor of my church is single. He's 45
yrs old and never has been married. In church he said know he feels
he ready for God to send him a wife. I like him alot and I have a
feeling he likes me to. He a very good, respectful, professional
man. I think since he's the pastor he has to be careful how he approach
women within the church. Should approach him? I prayed to the Lord
for help. If we dated do you think it could cause conflict with the
church?
TT 12/13/99 Hi,
I'm a pastor's wife, is there any pastor's wife out there that works, sometimes
I really enjoy my work sometimes I am really tired and feel the burden
of working and assisting in ministry and caring for the home. I enjoy ministry
work because I know there is a call of God on my life and I have seen the
God move powerfully, it is just sometimes I feel bitter at times for having
to work because we can't afford the two of us being in ministry full time.
Most of the times I have resolved this issue with God but some times I
just feel tired and exhausted and wonder how long can I go on for when
I can be like other pastor's wife and not have to work to support the home
and really fulfil God's plan in my life. We have recently relocated from
overseas and I am trying to settle down, somebody directed me to this web
page and I have been blessed by the encouragement, I will also want to
encourage you ladies to keep supporting each other, it is tough for pastor's
wives except by the grace of God and those of us who work, we need a double
portion most especially when you are getting comments from people about
why are you working, can your husband not work, working for many pastor's
wife is a necessity.
Kelley 12/28/99
I
just found this site and really identified with your posting. I am
a pastor's wife who works outside the home too. I can really relate
to your struggle. I have been a pw for 10 years now and have two
children ages 9 and 6. Trust me, there is hope! I have found
that sometimes I expect too much of myself. I push myself to live
up to a higher standard than even the congregation expects of me.
If you are a classic "overachiever" like me, this can spell danger.
I have found that you have to set boundaries for yourself and give yourself
the opportunity to rest. As far as the frustration goes, remember
that God knows your circumstances and no circumstance is allowed to enter
our lives that he does not first allow and when it is allowed it remains
under His control. Our Lord does not give us two things to be done
at the same moment, and He only expects what He gives time, talents and
strength for. Hang in there,
pray for His wisdom, and
allow Him to show you where His plans are. You may be in that work
environment for a specific person, or to provide an opportunity to reach
out and be an extension of your church ministry. I will be praying
for you! May the Lord bless you and your husband in your service
to Him. Remember that God is big enough to understand our circumstances,
wise enough to allow them,
and powerful enough to use
them fro greater good than we can ever imagine! I would love to correspond
with you!
Heather 12/14/99
I
would like a bit of input if someone has the inclination. We just
completed our first year of ministry as of today(hooray). The problem
is that we have been on this emotional rollercoaster all year. Either
things are great or the pits. We pastor a Native American church
and many of the people have been abused by family, residential schools
or spouses. I know that a lot of my problems are typical things most
Pastor's wives go through, but I could sure use some advice. For
instance a)people keep
coming and telling me things
they should be telling my husband(always silly, negative nitpicky things).
I finally put my foot down and firmly pointed them back to my husband but
I wonder if there are times that it's okay to courier messages or will
it start the whole business over again. B)One lady keeps relaying messages(always
silly, negative, nitpicky things)from another lady to me that are either
for me or sometimes for my husband. C)I am developing a really really
bad attitude that manifests in an incredible urge to actually use some
phrases containing swearwords to get the point across that I'm really really
frustrated. I don't think it would go over real big so I exercise
self control but I confess that sometimes they pop into my head!
Does that sound a bit on the down side? Sorry. It isn't always like
that. You see, these same ladies sometimes bring me gifts, pray for
me, feel sorry for me when I'm having a bad day. I guess I'm well
aware of my sin nature these days and it's probably obvious that I could
use some maturity. Well, I'm open to that. I just wish one
could force it like forcing blooms. Anyway, please tell me that you're
not all completely shocked...about the swearing I mean...the ones I never
said but just thought. Please pray for wretched, overburdened little
me.
Karen 12/15/99
What
an awesome site to come across!!! I'm so thankful to God that He
has provided a forum like this to offer support to women in His service.
It's wonderful to meet all of you!! I'm not a PW yet but have been
experiencing some of the things that you sisters have been talking about
already!! My fiance and I are just finishing up our last year of
Bible College. We can hardly wait to get out of school and begin
our work in full-time ministry but there are BIG changes ahead for me...I
know. All the different scenarios on this page have been a wealth
of information to me - THANK YOU. My fiance had been ministering
in his church for about three years already and just a couple of weeks
ago we accepted a call to come on staff there, my fiance as the associate
pastor after we graduate. We both feel very strongly that this is where
God has called us right now. It will be a wonderful place for my future
husband to mentor and to learn. Even though I'm confident that God is leading
and he's faithful, I'm young (21yrs. old), and lacking the wisdom of some
of you, and though I grew up in the church, it's alot different when you're
married to the leadership! As well, already I have felt the loneliness
some of you speak of, and I'm hoping it will change once we're married
and are able to be fully involved with the church but from things I've
heard and read above, I don't know that it will change all that much.
I'm confident in our relationship but I'm worried about the things mentioned
above - lack of time for each other - ministry getting in the way - my
own selfishness. God help me not only to survive but help me to minister
powerfully for You!!!
Thanks for reading, ladies.
I don't know that any of you would like to respond to various fears of
a PW2B (though I'd love it!) but it was helpful for me to just write!!
Thanks for the opportunity to do so!! Be sure I'll be praying for all of
you as I pray for myself - that God would empower you to be strong and
mighty for Him.
Sharon 12/16/99
Hi,
and peace be to all of you. I just found out that you were all here
and I praise God that you are. I am a pastor's wife of almost 4 years.
This is the hardest but yet eye opening 4 years of my life. My husand
has been in the ministry for over 25 years and I guess you could say, have
climbed many a mountain by his faith in the Lord. Well, I not quite
there yet and I know I won't be there until the Lord calls me home. I see
we all have somethings in common. I am also very lonely and have
learned to keep a safe distance from the congregation. I have learned
to only talk while giving reference to the Word of God and as my husband
puts it that way if anyone has a problem with what you say tell them the
take it up with God you are only the messenger. I have found that
it does help. However, it still does not always take away the loneliness.
The people in our congregation are loving people but they hang on to every
word that I say, the way I dress, the way I may turn to the side and look.
I have become disheartened to go to church for fear of offending someone.
I know fear is of the enemy but we all know
the closer we get to Christ
the more overtime he is going to do with us. Unfortunately, I am now suffering
from oh (sigh) I don't know what it is, all I know is that all the
joints in my body hurt, I am forgetting things, I feel so disconnected
at this point. I cannot help my husband the way that he needs the
help and I am praying that this will all go away soon. The area that the
Lord has put us in is on of No I should say use to be one of
the worse areas in the town, but now that we are there the prostitutes,
drug addicts, thieves alocholics, transvestites, and every other kind of
lost person has made an effor to get their lives saved and my husband throught
the grace of God is handling all this alone, not to speak of going out
on the weekend to feed the hungry. I feel so helpless and I guess
depression has set in. Our congregation is of about 50 people but
most don't have. Don't get me wrong because the Lord is truly blessing
our ministry but it seem that he has accelerated the pace since he is on
his way back. I guess what I am
asking for is some encouragement
or someone who can identify with what I am feeling. I would love
to hear from you because I need help. God Bless You.
Sandy 12/20/99
I'm
so excited to find a forum to receive and give encouragement! My husband
was the associate pastor of a 500+ member church for 9 years when the big
split happened...the "senior" pastor left the church, hurt and wounded.
Many people also left because they were upset by his leadership,
many left BECAUSE he left,
many left because they couldn't emotionally take all the nastiness and
hurt of losing long-time relationships and some just left....My husband
stayed just because God didn't lead us anywhere else and he felt responsible
for those who also believe God called them there and there they were to
stay...We were hero's of sort for a short time...then folks were unhappy
because it wasn't the same as before or my husband didn't preach the same
way as the other one adn so on....I was loved for a while because I was
more outgoing than the last pasotr's wife....now my husband is loved again
and I'm too bossy and too involved....I too feel lonely and to tell you
the truth it's hard to be cheery and perky....I know God calls us to be
kind and patient and longsuffering......I want to keep a tender heart yet
develope a tough skin...please pray for me so that I focus on God and his
statues and not be prideful and impatient....I honestly do love all these
folks (the few that are left)and I know that it has been hard....it's been
hard for us too...I've lost lots and lots of friends too. I want
to keep my heart full of overwhelming love toward those of our flock.
"Frustration level reaching
danger point"pastor's wife 12/23/99 I am very frustrated
these days. There are many bones of contention that keep popping
up out of nowhere. All year they were not the issue they have now
become. I am concerned about my husband's inability to say "no" to
anyone. After the big speech of "family first" when we started pastoring
this church, it's now "anything you like". When I mentioned it (for
the 50th time) looking for a little reassurance, all I get is "I don't
want to go back to being a security guard. (He did that for four
months when we were not in ministry. In other words, I either do
absolutely everything thatthe church asks or I even suspect they are asking
until I am completely burned out and my family is torn apart, or they will
boot me out on my ear. I am reaching boiling point. Please
give me some advise as to how to handle this.
Melody 12/24/99
It
is Christmas Eve Day, and I am thinking about all of you other PW's, who,
like me, are serving the Lord in churches far from loved ones and dear
friends. I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that many
of us are in the same mind - lonely for family and friends, yet happy and
content to be where God has placed us and our husbands. So...
Merry Christmas to each and one of you precious ladies. May the God
of Peace remind each of us today of our calling and may He fill those empty
spots in our hearts today as we serve Him. (Yes, I sure miss my friends
and family today). Merry Christmas to all and to all a Blessed Day
of serving as laborers in His Church!
Cordellia 12/25/99
MERRY
CHRISTMAS EVERYONE....REMEMBER....HE CAME SO THAT NONE
WOULD PERISH! THE
MESSAGE IS WONDERFUL! I'd love to hear some testemonies of wives
who had a tough time of it and how God turned things around...how the wife
had to yield to God, or the situation or whatever....the story that ended
up bringing glory! My heart goes out to all the ladies who have such horrific
struggles...and I thought hearing testemonies of God's work would bring
hope and direction for the new year! GOD BLESS YOU TODAY! JESUS IS
BORN! HALLELUJAH!
Mareli 12/28/99
I
would like to wish all my sisters in Christ, pastor's wives a happy festive
season and a wonderful year 2000 For those who are in pain and suffering:
God is alive!! and he will come through For all the others thank you for
your faithful work unto the Lord!!! God bless you all
Rosy 12/28/99 Praise
God from whom ALL Blessings flow. I thank God for this awesome WEB site.
I am a wife of an associate minister. We have been married for a little
more then two years. He became an associate minister two months after we
were married. It has not been easy. I have taken time to read the previous
pages and I have truly been BLESSED! My soul rejoiced at the knowledge
that I am not alone. There have been times when I felt that no one would
understand what I go through. I was not prepared for what was expected
of me as a Minister's wife. I thank God for the out pouring, sharing and
support that the sisters. I accepted Christ as my Savior in 1993. I have
a one question to ask. How can I learn to handle gossips without insulting
the person or insulting myself by listening to the gossips? Jesus Joy
Sister Sunshine
12/31/99 Like the rest of you, I am so thrilled to discover this
website! Pastor's wives need this type of forum. My husband and I
have been married 10 years and have spent the last 6 in full-time pastoral
ministry. We have three children ages 6, 5, and 3. Recently,
we were blessed to move from a snoozy small-town church of about 50 to
a city church over twice that size. The church is growing, and I am also
growing--more stressed by the day. I have struggled for years with
illness, low immunity, etc. that appears at times to be stress-related
and am dealing with weight issues. At this point, I seem unable to
finish unpacking, to keep house adequately, etc. I know that the stress
I live under has to be reduced before it destroys my health and effectiveness
in ministry. I have taken "stress surveys" from
ministry journals, etc.
and have been unofficially "diagnosed" with stress as a quazi-disease condition.
My question is, "What practical steps can I take to reduce stress or to
change my reactions to it?" I've heard answers and suggestions before.
Maybe I just need to be reminded! What really frustrates me is my
husband's dependancy on me to be his unofficial organizer. I feel
a call to ministry and am very active in the church. I don't mind
performing administrative tasks and some secretarial work, especially since
he doesn't have a secretary or any other staff members right now.
However, he is very undisciplined, struggles to keep a day-timer and relies
on me to schedule his day, plan future church events....you get the picture.
My quandry is, every time I try to pull back from being his "mom," the
ministry suffers. Right now, when it is so important to have a good beginning
at this new church, how can I leave him hanging? His work load has
just tripled. The most frustrating thing of all is his attitude;
he's got that easy-going spontaneous visionary attitude that just coasts
along--he's so caught up in the big picture that he can't take care of
the details. More and more I feel like my health and weight problems
are obstacles that hinder me from being the help meet I am called to be
and that hinder him from fulfilling his destiny in God. Well, enough
rambling about me. I wanted to respond to Merry. I have been
following your story on
the pages and have been praying for your marriage. You MUST insist to your
husband that you receive joint marriage counseling. Regardless of
whether he is having an affair or not, your relationship is very unhealthy.
Please give him a deadline/ultimatum date by which this will happen; also
give him a consequence if he chooses not to participate. This would
likely be to approach with your concerns an official in your denomination/fellowship
who has authority over your husband's ministry
license. Even though
this could potentially harm your church; he is causing far greater harm
by living in rebellion to God while pretending to speak for Him.
Remember, it is his sin, either of unfaithfulness or of
neglect, which is to blame;
rather than you, or your exposure of that sin. May God give you wisdom
and grace!
Merry 1/6/00 I
have been on vacation for the holidays. Thank you for your concern.
I was somewhat concerned whrn you suggested I should seek couseling.
What can I do if he denies everything? the women will lie as well.
She merely gloats and smurks in my face. He did not believe me when I told
him what she was doing to me. When he is around she acts like an
angel. I have taken the advice of one of my sisters; she told to hold my
head up and always smile when I am in her presence even if it hurts. And
there are many times it hurts. Sometimes I can hit him in the head
because of his ignorance. I get that angry. I was studying
the word and I really want to get rid of the anger, hate, out of my heart.
I feel he pays more attention to her than me. I am not the dainty
lady I was seven years ago, But I am beautiful on the inside. Mind you
I am only a size 8, I still look great!!!!(If nobody says I am beautiful
I will) Although he tells me he loves me I do not believe him Beacuse how
could he betray me, I would never hurt him because I love him.
Lynn 12/31/99 Hi!
I'm new to this site. I am going through a hard time right now in
my marriage. My husband has been looking for a different ministry
position for over a year now. He has had 8 interviews and all but
one church wanted him to come. He has turned down 6 places and is
considering the 7th. All of this has had an up and down effect
on me emotionally. I have told him I will go wherever the Lord wants,
just let me know. I know we will wait at least six weeks for this
situation to resolve. How do I
cope in the next six weeks?
Michelle 1/3/2000
Lynn,
less than a year ago, I was in your shoes. This time of transition
is so difficult; one of a woman's basic needs is for security, and your
husband isn't able to meet that need right now. Sometimes it takes
a while for ministers to hear clearly and to follow the direction God is
leading them to go. Be patient with him and give unconditional support
and prayer without nagging. As for your own
frustration and insecurity,
all I can say is that you must continually give that burden to God.
Every time the fear and worry begin to take over, go to God in prayer and
release it to Him; it's too heavy for you to carry. Even if you have
to do this several times a day (an hour, maybe)! Keep consciously
choosing to release the weight of your future into the care of a loving
Father. He truly is our burden-bearer! I'll be praying for you.
Lynn 1/4/00 Thanks,
Michelle! Your words were what I needed to "hear" today!
Rahab 1/2/00 Can
you please pray for me for all of the above. Thank you so much.
i REALLY NEED IT
Wendy 1/4/00 Hey
fellow pastor wives....encouragement..... I've been a pastor wife
for over 10 years now. My husband has been the youth pastor at our
church. Being in youth ministry is like having your
own little church...you
have leaders to deal with, the flock you shephard, ect. Anyway,,,
our biggest struggle the first half was being so burned out. God
taught us a big lesson....................R E S T ....
When we go on vacations,
or go out on a date (which we try to do once a week) we DON'T talk about
the ministry....AT ALL...no matter how important a subject might be.
Like someone said above...ministry and your relationship with God are different
priorities. Jesus commanded husbands to love their wives like He
loves the church....I'm sorry, but most pastoral husbands out there are
neglecting this call. Jesus commanded wives to be submissive to their
husbands....sweet ladies, this means to support Him, to not demand your
"rights", ect...it doesn't mean to be a "yeswoman". PRAYER PRAYER
PRAYER how awesome is prayer? God has blown my mind over and over
when it comes to my husband. a quick story. ... I was feeling
neglected by my husband and telling him,again, would only make me a dripping
faucet so I prayed and asked God to help my hunny be the husband that I
need,,,the very next morning my husband came up to me and said "I haven't
been loving on you very much have I?" I said, "did you hear my prayer
last night?" ha ha.. he said no, and he just loved on me....do you know
how often that happens? It happend very often. PRAYER PRAYER
PRAYER. God knows what we all need as pastor wives, oh just give
it to Him...he created love and romance...God will move in your man's
life. Just remember to try to make your life with your hunny fun
and new. It takes two. ANd it starts with us in Prayer to our
Heavenly Papa, because He truly knows how to move in your sweetheart.
MRS. O. 1/4/00
If
anyone know of a Baptist Church that is seeking a full time
Pastor please e-mail me and let me know the church, where it is located
and who to contact this would be a BLESSING to a very dear
friend of mine.Thanking you in advance MRS.O.
AllAlone 1/5/00
I
just need to "get something off my chest" in a non-threatening place.
This has been one This is one of those ministry weeks when my husband and
I are feeling all alone, again. We are pastoring a lot of people
who have previously been hurt/let down by unethical pastors etc.
As a result, they are quick to take offense and even quicker to betray
us; yes, we discovered another Judas. Don't you just hate those stabs
in the back? How are you able to release people into ministries when
you personally can't trust them? Are there any humans we can trust?
I know this sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able
to again. I guess what I want to know is this: Are we the only
ones experiencing this? It's so frustrating to try, try, try to love
and care for people, only to be met with suspicion and betrayal.
Melody 1/8/00 My
father once said "Trust no living soul, and walk carefully around the dead."
The only one we can trust is the Lord. People will let us down -
sad, but true. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, and join Him in what
He is doing in the lives of the people He sent you to minister to.
I'll be praying for you!
Debbie 1/6/00 We
pastor in Jersey City, NJ.I just found this site tonight or should I say
my hubby found it and knew I would be interested in it. I have read a few
of the comments from PW's and see that I am not the only one with these
sometimes crazy feelings. But I thank God because his word gives us hope
and I really appreciate all of you who have given such encouraging words.
I would like to get in touch with Lylah in Scottsdale to order her prayer
book, how do I get her address? it sounded like something I need to have.
I am convinced that we have to pray for our husbands daily and always keep
the lines of communication open. We have been in pastor's for 8 yrs. and
we have a great church. I do have ladies
that are a blessing to me
but there are always those times that you feel alone and friendless because
you can't share certain things with them. But what I have found is that
God blesses me with friends on my job who are saved and we pray together
and they encourage me. I thank God for them. I really don't have any questions
but I thank you all for what I have read has been encouraging. Just remember
that God has called you and your husband together and no matter what others
may say or think you are a team and never forget that. I love you all even
though I don't know you personally I feel a bond a powerful bond through
this site. Praise God. Love you all
Sharon 1/7/00 My
husband has been pastoring for approximately 7 weeks. We started a church
and at first I was excited, but now I'm beginning to feel like I'm losing
my husband and gaining a pastor. We had a situation last night when he
was not present and I volunteered him to do something he normally loves
to do. He told me I was out of order and should not make decisions
or committments for the pastor. I made the decision based on him being
my husband. Now I feel like I'm losing my husband and gaining a
pastor. I don't know how
to deal with him now. I don't know how to separate the relationship
of pastor and husband. I wish someone else was the pastor's wife. I did
not ask for this "honor." Can anyone offer some words of wisdom?
Mareli 1/12/00 My
dear, I met my husband when he was aPastor and I was a student, and I have
learnt over the years to balnce life of when is it husband and when it
is pastor, God has taught me a lot of lessons in this, submision, self
control, because it is not easy. I myself call my husband Pastor in front
of others, it helps me to
focus on the fact that he is the leader and Pastor now, feelings andf emotions
aside. And at home it is lovydovy, etc.. It is very difficult dfor you
and for him as well, becouse he wants to do the right thing, and it is
a new thing for him, but believe me, submit in silence, do nothing without
his approval, ask him and tell him evrything, he needs to know that he
is the leader ( even if it is subconscius), after a while he will seek
your advice, your help, etxc.. And mostly ask God to give youy the wisdom
how, i had to spend many hours before the Lord in this matter, because
as wives we become emotionally involved and our feelkings get hurt. Don't
make any decisons for him, as husband. Pator and husband are two totally
different things. Give him time to addapt seven months is nothing. Submit
him to the Lord and love him!!!
sandy 1/8/00 This
site is really needed...keep telling your pastors' wives about this site...encourage
them to write, everyone has such helpful insight and it's wonderful to
be connected to this particular part of the family of God...His church.
Beverly 1/8/00
I
have a "praise" I want to share. We are in a small church. As a pastor's
wife you get called on to do many things. Well, I play the piano. Not fancy.
And I can't play everything in the hymn book. So I need practice time to
be ready each week. I would go to the church to practice. This has
been difficult when you
have 4 kids, one car, and husband studying. So I started a "piano fund".
On my birthday the church gave me a card, it had $160 in it. I was thrilled!
So I started looking in the paper for a used one for our home. I was very
discouraged at the prices. With no job of my own my "fund" wouldn't grow
very fast. Anyway.... My husband was meeting with another pastor and he
asked if there was anything our church needed. My husband mentioned that
I was looking for a piano. He got this look in his eye and said he knew
of someone who had one. So they stopped in and saw it and the lady told
my husband we could have it,for free!! So I now have a spinet piano sitting
in my living room!!! And my little "fund" will pay to have it tuned and
some music lessons books! My kids want lessons, maybe even hubby!
The Lord is soooo good!!!!!! It's Saturday night and I'm all practiced
up and ready to go for tomorrow. The funny thing about this whole story.
The day he was meeting with this other pastor and looking at the piano.
I was home moving my furniture around in the living room thinking I'll
never get a piano! God has a sense of humur. He showed me he can provide.
In HIS time. We just have to let him work. And of course satan had to stick
his nose into this blessing. I started to worry that I might have to put
alot of money into it because it's old. And we might have a piece of junk.
God doesn't give junk.
" Every good and perfect
gift comes from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with
whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning" James 1:17 God
is so good....He's so good to me!!! I'd love to hear how God provided in
your life. We all have struggles, and it's good to share them with each
other. But let's count our BLESSINGS and share them too.
CP 1/11/00 HELLO
TO ALL MINISTRY WIVES! I AM NEW TO THE SUPPORT BOARD AND AM VERY
GLAD TO HAVE FOUND IT! I AM THE WIFE OF A MAN WHO HAS BEEN A PASTOR
FOR 2-1/2 YEARS. ALTOGETHER WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS.
WE HAVE A SMALL CONGREGATION OF 15. IT IS NOT EASY BEING A PASTOR'S
WIFE, BUT I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT I STARTED OUT AS A'S WIFE! AS INDIVIDUALS,
WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS, AND BELIEVE ME, I WAS REALLY GETTING FED UP WITH
MY HUSBAND A'S PROBLEM! ONE OF WHICH HAPPENED TO BE A MEAN WAY OF TALKING
TO ME AND THE CHILDREN! THIS TENDENCY WAS REALLY COMPROMISING HIS
CREDIBILITY WITH US! THE KIDS WERE ASKING ME WHY DOESN'T HE PRACTICE WHAT
HE PREACHES! AT ANY RATE, I REALIZE THAT IN THE MINISTRY, OUR ENEMY
SATAN FOCUSES HIS ATTACKS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL - USUALLY THE PASTOR'S
FAMILY. I BEGAN TO PRAY FOR MY HUSBAND'S LACK OF VERBAL SENSITIVITY.
I STOOD ON GOD'S WORD IN THE SCRIPTURE WHERE IT SAYS THAT GOD CAN DO EXCEEDINGLY,
ABUNDANTLY, AND ABOVE ALL THAT WE COULD EVERY ASK OR THINK. I LEARNED
TO HOLD MY PEACE WHEN I BECAME ANGRY AT HIS OUTBURSTS. I TALKED TO THE
CHILDREN ABOUT BEING JUDGMENTAL AND CRITICAL AND SPOKE TO THEM ABOUT EXAMINING
THEIR OWN HEARTS. I AALSO TOLD THEM TO PRAY FOR MY HUSBAND ALSO.
WELL, GOD ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS! MY HUSBAND'S OUTBURTS SEEMED TO DIMINISH,
AND HE ADMITTED TO HIS SIN OF HURTFUL WORDS. SOMETIMES WE AS WIVES -- AND
HUSBANDS -- CAN ALLOW OURSEVLES TO GET CAUGHT UP IN OURSELVES! AND
WE FORGET THAT THERE IS NO ONE WITHOUT SIN, AND THAT AS LONG AS WE LIVE,
SIN WILL BE AN ISSUE IN OUR LIVES. THE HOLY SPIRIT SHOWED ME MY OWN
SINS, AND I COULD NO LONGER CONDEMN MY HUSBAND, BUT PRAY FOR HIM AND MYSELF.
AT ANY RATE, I ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND THAT I LOVE MY HUSBAND, AND LOVE COVERS
A MULTITUDE OF SINS. I HAVE LEARNED NOT TO COMPLAIN SO MUCH, AND
TO APPRECIATE HIM NO MATTER WHAT, AND UNCONDITIONALLY. AFTER
ALL...WWJD?? SO LET'S
PRAY MORE AND COMPLAIN LESS. I NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU! GOD BLESS!!!
Shelley 1/12/00
Goodness
I don't know where to start! I am SO glad to couldn't sleep tonight
and found this site! I have been a pastor's wife for almost 8 years
now and I am feeling so over whelmed. Of course this isn't a first
just never had anyone to talk to before. I am a young pastor's wife
(26) and feeling so lonely right now. My husband is my best friend
but a girl just has to have a girl friend. I have looked over all
of these posts and am I am relived to know that I am not alone. These
days we need so much support from each other and the times we live in just
don't seem to allow us that. I need a prayer partner or just another
pastor's wife to share with. We have been at this church for 1 year
and 7 months and I still have no real friends. I had expectations of becoming
good friends with our Youth/Music Minister's wife but have learned the
hard way she doesn't feel the same. I just don't understand it at
all and pray I would just get a email form God. LOL! If it
were only that easy. Please someone write me. I need prayers.
Kelley 1/18/00 Dear,
I think everyone of us who have been in the ministry have also felt at,
at one time or another, the same way you do now. Being a PW can be
a very lonely place for a girl. I think only another PW can truly
understand your feelings and what you are going through, and consequently,
know
exactly how to pray for
you. (Which is exactly what I've been doing since I read your posting to
the Board!) I have found that sometimes it helps just to put your
feelings down in black and white, as if writing to your best girlfriend
(either on paper or on a computer journal). It is very interesting
to read over after some time has passed, you can often see how God has
been working in your life or in the particular situation you are in.
However, this doesn't fill the need for human feedback does it?! LOL!
Be assured that I will be praying earnestly for you and your loneliness
that the Lord will provide you a confidante and friend with whom to share
some fun times and fellowship! Be patient and wait on Him, and He
will supply your need (in His time!). Often, the friendship comes
in a form that we are least expecting, so I will also be praying for wisdom
and discernment on your part! I would love to correspond with you
more! I'll be happy to supply my e-mail address to you if you are
interested. Post back and let me know how things are going for you.
My prayers are with you Shelley!
Jean (same as 5-27-99)
1/15/00 Just a follow-up to my dilemma. Here it is six months
later and nothing has changed. At our mid-week service this week, my husband
belittled my intelligience, my ability to cope, and my musical ability
(I play the piano for the services.) Then he proceeded to quote things
I had said about the church and the people- things I had said at a conference
we had just
returned from for Pastors
and their wives! We had a very good time at the conference and it was good
to get away for a couple of days, but it is as if when he has an audience
of more than one, he turns into someone else. We have been married 24 years
and pastoring for the past nine. I have cried, cajoled, begged! I don't
know what else to do. Please pray that God will give me wisdom and my husband
a muzzle! lol. I have suggested that he act as if I am not even there.
I love the church and the people and the people seem to love me. This week
a guy said after church that he would be praying for my husband that I
not beat him! It's that bad. I have really been praying a lot about this.
Our daughter who is 19 and ives at home has quit coming. She says that
she cannot stand to see her dad when he is in front of people. She says
that he is totally different. Our son, 17, is more accepting. But he is
little by little, starting to try not to come. So our family is in turmoil
over this. I try not to be overly sensitive and laugh it off- when I confront
him I still get that I am just too sensitive and I need to be more spiritual-
which further offends me because then I feel I am being judged and coming
up short. We had an associate pastor- an older gentlemen with 40 yrs. in
the ministry- who came up to me after church one Sunday and said he was
going to talk to him because he had made the same mistake in his ministry
many years prior. But my husband has such a strong personality and controlling
attitude that he never did talk to him. Most people won't confront him
for fear of his wrath. Please pray for me- and especially for our two children.
I don't want to see them be casualties of a personality conflict. It is
almost like he can use the ministry as an excuse to behave in any manner
and if I say anything, then I am the one with the problem. I have not spoken
to him about this past service. I am so embarrassed by the things he said,
it would be very easy
for me to withdraw totally-
from the church and from him. Pray for me.
Blessings 1/15/00
Hello
to everyone again. I have not forgot you all, and since reading of
Bunny's response awhile back I have often prayed for the ladies who have
written in. We need prayer warrior's to stand in the gap and make
up the hedge. Prayer changes circumstances and most of all keeps
us in
communication with our heavenly
Father, who created us! He loves us so much, and has not forgotten
us; so I encourage you all to not forget Him. Pray everyday, even without
ceasing when possible.... like when we are doing mindless chores...like
cleaning, etc. I have to remind myself of this too, sometimes when
I have the time to actually think, I am too busy complaining, or remembering
the past. If you catch yourselves doing this also, remember to pray
and talk to God, as if He were in the room with you... after all He truly
is a prayer away and as close as the mention of His name! Amen.
Shelly, if you need a friend you can e-mail me, just ask for my address.
I am not online very much but I will write to you.
Ladies, I need prayer.
This is a major decision week for our church... my hubby is approaching
the landlord of the church about lowering the rent. If he does not agree
we will not be able to stay there. Please pray that God will be in
control of the outcomes of that meeting. And that God will provide
the monies to pay the debt that we owe for backrent. Over the last
couple of months we have not been able to pay the whole amount, so a little
has carried over from each month. And if the Lord so chooses, maybe
He will provide another place of worship. Thank you all so much,
again Blessings2U all!
Melody 1/16/00
Dear
Ladies - My husband is heading into a 4-week preaching series on "Knowing
The Enemy." The last time he preached through this series, we were
in a different church. Literally, "all Hell broke loose." I would
ask for your prayers - It is a powerful series, and he feels it is what
God would have him preach. I would ask for your prayers as we go
through this series. For protection and for the name of the Lord
to be glorified.
Donell 1/18/00 Melody,
It is wonderful to hear that you and your husband are not afraid to confront
the enemy. We also have seen "all hell Break loose." The thing
that gets us through is knowing that we have the real power on our side
that destroys strongholds. God is our defender and protector. PTL!
I will be praying for you and your husband - for protection, wisdom, and
decernment. God's blessings on you and around you.
Amarat Selpaw 01/19/00
I
am currrenly engaged to a pastor and we are getting married in 9 months.
I am only 22 everyone , it seems is older than I am and wants to give advice
etc. I don't want to be so distant that I seem stuck-up and at the
same time I know it would be a mess if I picked a friend. How
can you find a healthy balance between friendly and reserved.
Donell 1/26/00
There is alot of advice out there about friendships and whether you should
have them in the church or outside of the church. My husband and
I have been in fulltime ministry for only 10 years but there are several
things that I have learned. 1) You need close friendships 2) You
need a mentor or someone who you esteem and 3) You were created for relationship
with others and God. I personally believe that it is okay to have
close friendships within the church. The thing that you need to be
careful of is who you choose. Don't just dive into a relationship
but get to know the ladies and you will be able to tell in a short time
those who you have things in common with and those who you can trust.
The most important thing you can do for yourself is let go of all the pressure.
People will always have expectations of who you are suppose to be but all
you have to do is please God. If you are in the Word and prayer the
rest will come. I would also encourage you to get connected with
a ministers wife who has been in the ministry. She will be invaluable
to you for advice, prayer support, encouragement, and correction.
I myself have someone like this and call her often. It keeps me accountable
and also on track. Just be yourself and try not to please everyone.
You'll do just fine. I'll be praying for you.
MAHANDA 1/20/00
I
HAVE BEEN READING THIS SITE FOR MONTHS AND HAVE JUST GOT UP
ENOUGH NERVE TO WRITE.
I AM ENGAGED TO A MAN WHO IS PLANNING TO BE A PASTOR. HE IS NOW HELPING
BUILD A CHURCH. I HAVE BACKED OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE ONCE BECAUSE IF
DID NOT BELIEVE I COULD BE A HELP TO HIM, BUT I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW
MY HEART. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AS I AM SCARED TO DEATH. I WANT
THE MAN, YET I STILL DO NOT KNOW IF I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE THE WIFE
OF A MINISTER. THANKS
Kim H 1/20/00 If
the Lord is truly calling you and this man into marriage, then be rest
assured that you have what it takes to be the wife of a minister.
I had the same feeling when my dh surrendered to the ministry because I
had only been a Christian for 2 years. Since then, the Lord has put
wonderful,
Godly women in my life that
I have been able to learn from. We have been in 2 churches where
the pastor's wive's were very different (my dh is a Youth Minister he has
a full time secular job that he is under contract to finish) and I have
been able to glean different things from them both. Just remember, when
the Lord guides He also provides. Always be honest and kind and true
to the Lord and your dh. The Lord, and this board *g*, will
see you through. BTW, this is the first time I have posted here also.
Toni 1/21/00 God
Bless all of you with love and happiness. I do not share your calling
as a pastor's wives. My husband and I are business owners. We are
christians. Does anyone know of counselling for pastor's wives in
the Chicagoland area? I have a friend who is a pastor's wife, and
another friend whose husband is an associate minister. The pastor
has left his wife and the associate minister has also left his wife.
I am devastated, I can only imagine how my friends are feeling. I
try to give them as much
support as I possibly can,
without appearing to pry into their personal lives. I've never envied
a pastor or minister's wife, I have always held them in high esteem.
I believe that to be a minister's wife your lives are put on hold for the
sake of the Kingdom of God. However no one should be tossed aside
as these women have, and their husbands go on without being held accountable.
Perhaps I don't fully understand the role. I have heard of Minnerith
Meyers (spelling may be incorrect), counselling for pastor's wives.
If anyone has any information about Minnerith Meyers, please contact me.
I feel helpless, I really want these women to have an avenue to take for
their spiritual lives, without being put under scruntiny because of the
actions of their husbands.
Melody 1/23/00
Any
ideas for Sweetheart Banquet? Games, skits, or ideas in general?
Beverly 1/24/00
Here
are some of the things we have done for Sweetheart Banquets. Our teens
were the waiters and waitresses. We set up the tables and decorated our
fellowship hall like a fancy restaurant. Candles, center pieces.... A little
card was at each place setting explaining and setting the mood. ( You have
just taken your wife to the fanciest, most expensive restaurant in town......)
Our young people were in black and white with bow ties. We had one corner
set up for taking each couples picture. Each couple
brought a wedding picture.
We used these as decorations and a game. You had to guess each couple.
We played the "Newly Wed Game" ( the questions were tasteful but fun).
We had a couple give special music and a special guest who was a counselor.
He spoke on Love Languages. Each program was printed up like a menu
and at each place setting. We had a host and hostess seat each couple.
Decorations were red candles on the tables and throughout the room. We
hung white sheets to cover areas that were not fitting to our "setting".
We hung white Christmas lights. They added more light to the candles and
we turned off the overhead lights. On the RSVP slips we asked each couple
to put down a
funny story or incident
that happen on the wedding, honeymoon or date. We gave prizes, hearts
filled with candy and small crafts. But I can't remember what they were
for. Who won the games, I think. It's been a while. It was so much fun
and the couples talked about it for quite sometime afterwards. Have fun!!!!
Ruth 1/26/00 God
bless each of you! I have certainly lifted up many of you asking
God's grace to be
present in your lives through
difficult times. Well now I need so Godly advice from a praying seasoned
Pastor's Wife. My Pastor husband is a great leader, a wonderful husband,
we have been married less than five years. He has been pastoring
more than 8 years. God has blessed our ministry in many ways and
I love him with all my heart praise God. We have moved in many areas
from milk to meat, meaning that members are not calling our house for prayer
and advice all the time. Learning to praying for themselves as well
as others, church is growing and ministries are beginning to form and move
without much direction from Pastor as leaders are stepping up to the calling
of God. Here is my problem, women that
meet my husband he is very handsome and stand tall and looks very dynamic
as he brings forth the word of God. You not only feel the power of
God you see the power God as the anointing takes over and moves in my husband.
Women are attracted to it especially young wordly women, they call all
the time
needing advice, sometimes
there conversation is a little to disrepectful for me are should I say
wordly. I have discussed my concerns that maybe they are a little
to common with him, he says I am out to win a soul I love you and you only,
I come home to you. Then he quotes that scripture about being all
things to all people that you may win a few (off the top of my head).
They tell him about everything, then they tell their friends about this
great person that will listen to them. He says to me they love you to why
don't you talk to them more often. Well I say I work outside the
home, in the chuch office, have a family, and need quite time for myself.
Of course I have to have time to spend with my husband which of course
he loves. I know that I need to pray and I am. I certainly
know that the enemy is real and that marriages are attacked first. But
I want to be able to help my husband that can't see the flirtatious spirits
and only sees his obligation to save a soul.. I ask myself are you praying
deliverance in these young girls lives. Please do not tell me that
the price I must pay for being a PW, I am willing to sacrafice a lot but
not the integrity of my Pastor or minsitry and most of all my marriage
if it would every come to that. Have any of you faced this situation
if so please share with me. Please pray not just for me for ministry
wives everywhere that they will have the wisdom and guidance that only
comes from God. Love you all
PS Thanks for letting me
vent!
pat 1/28/00 Ruth..Hey,
its OK to vent, especially about something as serious as flirtatious women.
My husband and I have been pastoring for 6 years. I have experienced
exactly what you are going through. Women are attracted to our husbands
naturally and spiritually. Worldly women just like to look at him
and imagine themselves with him. Spiritual women are drawn to the
anointing that flows through him. Spiritual women know how to draw
the line and while they may even be attracted to him naturally, they will
respect the wife and him also. Worldly women have no spiritual compass,
so they just charge forward. Our husbands, God Bless their hearts,
are for the most part truly only interested in helping a soul. My
husband said the EXACT same words your husband said...I love you, I come
home to you, etc. etc.
My advice to you is don't nag him about it. It won't do any good.
Let him know that you trust him and that you know he will honor the sanctity
of your marriage. This is where you are really going to have to trust
God that He will speak to your husband's heart about spending too much
time counseling. Encourage him to absolutely NEVER counsel women
alone without someone else nearby. I try to screen his calls at home.
If they will share with me, I make myself available. If not, I first
make sure that the call is truly important, and if not, I don't disturb
him but have him call them back at a more convenient time. I AM VISIBLE.
I'm at his side when we come in the church, and I'm there when we leave.
The most flirtatious ones, I treat like absolute gold. Some have responded
and backed off when they realized I was
not intimidated by their forwardness. Some are just plain ruthless
but God has a way of weeding them out. The bible says treat people
who are not so nice with kindness and it will be like heaping coals of
fire on their heads. Let the barbeque begin!!! Begin to pray
for them by name that God would deal with their sin. I'll touch base
with you again. Keep in touch. Gotta run..its Friday and got
lots to do. Keep in touch!
cathy 2/1/00 Ruth,
I can truly identify with you about women who flirt. One of the members
(a lady) wrote a letter to him discussing how she feels when he is before
the congregation preaching. According to her, she has to pinch her self
to see if she's dreaming. Really the letter could have gone either
way (she was very crafty at covering her tracks out of fear that he would
really come down on her). This left him with his back up against
the wall because she could have accused him of misinterpreting the letter.
He gave the letter to me and to told me to do whatever I wanted to do with.
Of course, I didn't approach her either out of fear of the same accusation.
Since the letter, she has borrowed money from us, she constantly talks
about her affairs with other men, and etc. I treat her with much
kindness even inspite of how I "really" feel about her actions. My
husband can be very slow at times when it comes to tricky women. He is
very admirable, even in the pulpit. I know that if I enjoy watching
him others do too! And I want him to look nice and presentable. However,
I desire the respect from the ladies of the church as I would give them.
He never counsels alone, and if they call it is always known that I am
some where very near. As a matter of fact, he ofter encourages them
to talk to me if they need to. Many times after they
hear that, he doesn't have
to worry about them needing counseling again. I have some jealousy
in me, but it is never the damaging or unhealthy kind. My husband
and I have an open relationship and when I feel jealous then I tell him
in a nice and laughable way. Most times he can look at my facial
expressions and know when it's time to fix something that was done or said.
Ruth, we just have to stay prayerful and trust in our men to do the right
thing! I really would like to hear from other pastor's wives (young
and old). I am 28 years old and I really need to talk to someone that I
can relate to. I think that this site is a blessing to us all!
Ruth 2/4/00 Thank
you, thank you, I needed to hear your words of encouragement. I know
that I must be prayerful and I am. You all please continue to pray
for me and I will pray for you also. The prayers of the righteous
availath much. The bible says that to whom much is given much is
required. I know that God has given me above and beyond what I could
imagine or think and I know that you two would agree with me that he has
done the same for you. Thanks and God Bless You.
NEW AT THIS 1/27/00
My
husband just started in the ministry as a jr.high pastor. we love the kids
but the problem is not only is he pastoring these youth but he also has
a full-time job and we have a new baby! I love tthese students as much
as he does and I want to minister alongside him as a team, but it
seem to me that our current
church, (though they haven't said it) feels like my place is strictl in
the home.I have seen many successful husband and wife teams w/children
so I know it can be done. I feel very uncomfortable talking with our senior
pastor and even to the youth pastor who my husband is interning under.
The other problem is my husband is doing the job of a full-time pastor
but is recieving no pay and since he has full-time job it makes for very
little family time.I'm so frustarated please help.
Safe In His Arms
1/31/00 Greetings, in the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
This is my first time posting to this site, and I intended to share my
fears about how frightened I am about moving into the Pastor's Wife role.
However, in rewriting this post three times, God has shown me that if I
trust in him, he will lead me in the direction that he would have me travel,
and he will shield me from all hurt, harm and danger. I have not
always relied on God to walk with me, but I am becoming more and more
dependent upon him every
day...as I study, pray and learn to obey his call, he blesses me tremendously.
God has blessed me with a good husband - who is a faithful servant to our
father - blessed children, special friends (one who is my Pastor's Wife)
and family members who loves me. I pray that I will be the virtuous
woman described in Proverbs 31, and be the kind of servant who is pleasing
in my father's sight. I pray that I will be the kind of spiritual
friend to the ladies in the church and the kind of Pastor's Wife that God
would have me be. This journey is foreign to me, and at times my
mind wonder's whether I will be able to travel it. But, I recall
Philippians 4:13 and I remember that "I can do all things through Christ
who strengthened me." What do I have to doubt and fear about?
Nothing!!!! Thanks so much for listening, ladies, and I will continue
to pray for you all. Please pray for me also.
Safe in His Arms
2/9/00 I am interested in corresponding with other wives who
are going through the
candidacy period with their
husband. If you are interested in corresponding with me, please request
my e-mail address from the Rock Dove Administrators.
Cathy 2/1/00 When
I read your story Williams, I almost burst into tears because it was just
like me writing about my self. Everything that you described was
about me. I am 28 years old and we have three children. My husband pastors
about 300 members. He's only been in the ministry for about six years.
This is his second church (and largest). I have always played the piano
for him (he really sings too!). So, in turn when he was called to
pastor I would end up playing for the church choir (which I didn't mind
doing). However, this caused much talk and gossip about me. I never
joined the church where he is pastoring (should I? please respond and let
me know what you ladies think), but I was always asked to speak at conferences
and programs as well as teach the adult Sunday School class (I was the
youngest in the class). Most of the older ladies felt as if I should not
be so involved since I was the pastor's wife and not a member. I
have always been involved in church ministries even before I met my husband.
According to tradition, I supposed to be on the pew with the children and
nothing else. I'm sorry but my christianity goes far beyond the title
of the "pastor's wife". My husband and I have been a team long before
he was even called to preach. He depends on me and I depend on him.
We do everything together. Whenever you see one of us, then you will
see the others. We visit the sick together, we shop together, we
pay bills together, we cook and clean together, and any other thing we
can find we do it together. We enjoy being with each other.
We have also found out that many people are jealous of our close relationship
(even other pastors). I want to draw others to Christ not drive them.
Paul said in one of his epitles that if he offended one of his brother
or caused them to stubble then he would refrain from
doing certain things.
Well, just recently I gave up my position as the musician. I declined
to teach the adult class until I join the church. However, the members
that did not want me to stop my ministry encouraged me to still help them
in the choir and I did. My husband is a wonderful husband, father
and pastor. I don't want to be a hindrance to his ministry.
I never get involved in the church issues and business (at least not in
the presence of his congregation). Ladies, I must admit that at home
we discuss things and he asks my opinion. Sometimes by me being on
the outside, I can look (in the
spiritual) and see things
that he can't see or has not allowed God to reveal it to him. I respect
him and his authority, and I would never try to influence him in the wrong
way. I went back to school about four years ago (when he went to his first
church). I am now teaching kindergarten in the public schools.
I tried to encourage the other ladies (especially the younger ones) to
go back to school and seek after some form of trade. Fortunately some did.
They were very excited about their new outlook on life. Others, however,
became jealous and I soon stopped encouraging. I know that I still
have a work to do, and I don't want to give up on God and my husband but
at the same time, I want to keep peace. My husband came to the conclusion
that he would just like for me to settle down on the pew for a while out
of fear that someone will hurt my feelings which in turn would cause him
to become angry. I can't get him to realize that it motivates me
to be involved in the ministries of the church. I don't want to be
the leader, I just want to follow and enjoy myself. Ladies, there
are a whole lot of other issues that I would like to talk about but time
does not permit me to do so right now. I am so glad that I found
this site. I needed to talk to someone, and who better knows how
to help than you, other pastor's wives. Please respond if you have
any suggestions for me.
cathy 2/1/00 This
is my third time today, writing to you ladies! I'm just so excited to know
that I can actually talk to someone that drinks the same water as I do.
Anyway, can someone give me any advice on how to help my husband be more
organized! He has a deacon and his wife that will keep up with most of
his scheduling and literature. But most of the time I have to do it to
keep him from appearing so unorganized. They even bought him a digital
planner, but guess who puts all of his information in? I Do! He studies
about 7-8 hours a day plus he works for our local Headstart program.
He claims that he forgets to write down important things such as appointments,
phone calls, visitations and etc. I enjoy doing things for him (being his
secretary) but I don't want him to depend on us for everything. I
thought about not doing it for a while in order to force him to do it,
but I think it would end up driving me crazy instead of him. I love
him dearly, he's a jewel but HELP!
Sue 2/2/00
I just read your e-mail about the battle going on with you being involved
in the church along aside your husband. My question is --where is
are we suppose to be? Our giftings and talents may be different than
our husbands - but I believe we are suppose to be a team. I have
read some new books lately and heard that the future of the church is that
there will be more and more husband/wife ministry teams. My husband has
been an ordained minister for 2 years now - and since April the Sr. Pastor
of our church.
He accepted this role after his younger brother (the first Sr. Pastor)
and family were killed in a car accident. Ever since that day - we've
been more joined at the hip working side by side. It has helped us
both trmendously - as well as our children. We homeschool so they
just pack up their work and go wherever we need to go. For the past few
weeks I've been sidelined due to an eye injury I received around Christmas
- but even then --I still go where he goes. We are a team --so are
you guys. I also play piano, sing, teach Sunday School, lead Womens
ministry, etc. etc. etc.!!! Yes --there is stress at times in this
cracy lifestyle --but I love it. I see him tons more than I did when
he worked in the secular world. If others don't like it --tough!
You both do what God is pleased with --don't strive to please man or women
--you'll be out of God's will.
Beverly 2/2/00 You
have to remember you will not please everyone. If you are then something
is wrong on your part. First you have to decide what the Lord wants you
to do. If he has gifted you with musical talents and gifts. Do you think
He would want you to use them? If he has given you an ability to teach,
should you be using it for the Lord? Maybe you think you can't teach, but
feel that the Lord wants you to step out and do it anyway so you can depend
on Him. These are things you have to ask yourself and your husband. He
can see things in you that you might not be able to.Ask the Lord to show
you. You family is first above anything you do. But allow the Lord to use
you. There are plenty of "pew sitters" in churches. And when you know you
are doing what the Lord wants you to do, and someone criticizes you for
doing or not doing something. It doesn't matter because you are doing what
the Lord wants you to do. You are to please him, not man. * As for being
a member, usually when a pastor comes, he and his wife automatically become
members. * Unorganized pastor/husband. I understand that. You can continue
to help. But until he realizes that it could be a hinderance to his ministry
he won't change. Giving him items to help be more organized is good. But
it take practice and work and want to. My husband tends to forget details.
So making lists of things to do or ask could help. (Like before having
a missionary in: what time, how many, any children, meals needed....)
I'm the list and detail person in the family. Don't nag him about it. You
might have to let him go on his own. He might have to be embarrassed real
good to see the need and importance for change. We've been in the ministry
for almost 12 years. There is hope. He has improved in that area so much....but
it took work onhis part. P.S. I bought my husband one of those digital
planners for Christmas. He loves electronic "toys" so I don't have to load
it. Does your husband have a regular Day Timer. That was the first thing
my husband got that really helped. He puts everything in it. Only one thing
to write and look in. And it goes everywhere with him. He's lost without
it now. Hope this helps.
Rebecca 2/15/00
You've
been reading my mail, sister. I'm so fed up with being my husband's
unofficial calendar, secretary, etc. He schedules guest speakers,
groups and neglects to tell me OR to write it down. Beverly, I have
bought multiple Day Timers, etc. to no avail. Even if I start the
book for him and put down everything from my main calendar, it makes no
difference. He will use it for a couple of days, then forget about
it. He recognizes his need in this area, but just can't seem to discipline
himself (maybe because faithful wifeypoo always comes through.) I've
tried letting him sink or swim, and he's had some major mistakes happen
because of this. Still, no improvement. He's a very visionary
person, always dreaming, likes being with people. Are there any good
resources--books, tapes, conferences that aren't geared toward men who
are already naturally disciplined in this area. Something like
Organization for Dummies? We're at a much bigger church now, and
this is really hurting us! I'm desperate.
Justine 2/2/00
Hello
and praise the Lord for this website! It is greatly needed. I am a 32 year
old PW of an associate pastor at a large church. We have been here now
over 5 years and are praying about senior pastoring, feeling that the Lord
is leading us that way. We have had 2 interviews, the first church wanted
us to come but we felt a "no" from the Lord. The most recent interview
we are still waiting to hear furthur from them, but if they want us we
believe that God would have us go there. We are excited but also a
little nervous about senior
pastoring as it entails more responsibilities, etc. One of the main reasons
we are also concerned is because we also have 2 small children under 4,
and I have a chronic illness that is not life-threatening, but is very
dibilatating at times and has been getting worse since cold weather set
in. I know that as long as we are seeking the Lord and trusting in Him
that no matter what our circumstances, God is always faithful. It is hard
still not to worry about the challenge of pastoring under these circumstances.
We have been open to the prospective interviewing committees about my illness,
and so far they have been
very understanding and believing with us for healing to come. But I know
that the initial comments and discussions can quickly change once you have
the pastor position. I was just wondering if any other pastor's wives have
experienced having this role with a chronic illness too (with or without
kids) and how did you handle it? I know that the answers and rest comes
from the Lord, but I could really use an understanding friend for encouragement
and support. Thanks sisters, and sorry this is so long, God bless and meet
your every need and use us all for His honor and glory.
Lisa 2/4/00 HELLO
LADIES I LOVE THIS PASTOR WIVES's MESSAGE BOARD. THANKS FOR ALL OF THE
LOVING PRAYERS. MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS THIS MINISTRY.
Esther 2/5/00 Hi
everyone, My husband is candidating this weekend If you could please pray
Id
appriciate it. Thanks
Melody 2/9/00 I
just read your post about candidating this past weekend. How did
it go? I posted a message on this board in the first part of June,
99 about candidating and there were some good
responces you might enjoy
reading. It was neat, too, to read in retrospect how the Lord moved
us here and worked all things out. Let us know how it went!
God bless you!
wendy 2/7/00 HI
ALL pastor wives!!!! I would like any of you to email me anytime.
I've been a fulltime pastor's wife for over 10 years...I don't have all
the answers but I would love to listen to ANY of you and PRAY for you and
try to help you with encouragment and possible advice...so please...if
ANY body out
there would like to email
me personally, I'm here....
jane 2/7/00 I
and my husband lead small congregation of 50 people. We are koreans.
I have been a pastors wife for 10 years. I got my call as a christian
when I was in high school and I got married after I graduated college.
And my family members have not had deeply involved church members even
though they have pure heart and sincerely belief toward God. Today
my family members (Father, mother, married sisters and their husbands,and
my brother) attend our church and especially my mother involved faithfully
with church members and my sister teach sunday school and they help the
church in best their ability. My husband is a person who doesn't
want the in-law loud voice their opinions in the church including me.
He was always the decision maker in our marriage because i was much younger
( he is 7 years older). We had difference in how we should devote
ourselves in the church. I didn't know before marriage but I knew
when we got married he had a quite a temper and he even hit me whenever
I show
strong disagreement.
I don't from where to start to express the pain I have since I got into
this marriage. My family member don't like him because his temper.
I wasn't much mature either when i got married and that worsen the problem
but I overcame his violence toward me and loneliness. But the problem
is i wasn't very talkative before the marriage but I become more reserve.
The church we are serving today is the church where we started as assistant
minister for a year and became senior minister after he graduated Th.M
in another state for two years and We have been here four a