pwife  7/31/99 I am in the process of starting a women's bible study in my church.  I was wondering if you could let me know what the name of the bible study on the virtuous woman.  I have been looking for a study for older women since that is what the church mainly is.  But I also want something that I would be interested in teaching.  I am 24 years old and the ladies are all of retirement age or older.  Thanks for any help you could give me.

Annie  7/12/99 Some ideas for helping yourself and the ladies in your congregation:
1. Have you thought of starting a group for the younger ladies with topics or projects that will be interesting and helpful to them.  Perhaps some of the older ladies would volunteer to provide child-care for this meeting.
2. Ask the older ladies to be prayer partners with the younger women and girls in the congregation.  Assign names and make this for a specific period of time, say six months.
3.  Have a breakfast meeting one Saturday a month (or quarter) to which all the ladies of the church will bring their friends, neighbors, colleagues.
4.  Look for a need, and find a way the ladies in your congregation can meet that need.  There are many, many needy women inside and outside the church.  Reach out to them.
For your own personal sanity, you might look for a friend outside of your congregation.  A believer even of another denomination might be a good idea -- someone with whom you cannot talk "shop" (church).  Working with women is necessary, challenging, and rewarding.  A good book to read for your own
inspiration is Women as Risk-Takers for God by Lorry Lutz.  It is published by Baker Books.  [My apologies to Rock Dove Publications].

Bunny 7/12/99  Tami, you need a PW who is around your age that you can talk to.  I found an excellent prayer partner thru this site (Laurie) and we have been e-mailing each other almost daily for the last 2
months.  You would not believe the things we share with each other!!  It is such a blessing to have someone to talk to (besides Jesus) that you can just "be yourself" with.  We laugh, cry, and pray together.  If you want, you can e-mail me and join Laurie and me as we travel this "wild and rocky"
road called "The life of a Pastor's Wife!"

Karen 7/12/99  I really wish that I had some ideas for you but I'm afraid I don't.  I just wanted you to know that I do know exactly how you feel.  My husband is a student pastor so for the past 3 years we have been serving small rural churches.  I am almost always the youngest woman by a good 20 years or so.  It is very hard to relate.  Whenever there are women my age at the church they don't want to participate because of the same reason, the only difference is - I have to I'm the preachers wife.  I'm trying to figure out what to do also.  IF you find something that works let me know!

Brenn  7/15/99 We have just reached the two year mark at our current church and in the beginning I felt very lonely and in need of a real friend. The problem with moving into a church is that everyone has their established friendships and don't really need a friend. Also there is that thought that well she's the
pastor's wife she'll be ok. I began to fervantly pray that God would send me a friend; someone who needed me as much as I needed them. God answered that prayer in a mighty way and I now have that bond; over the course of the last year I have also made several other close friends. It takes women a lot longer to make friends after a move. An awesome book I read called "After the Boxes are Unpacked" tells that it literally takes two years before a woman feels like her new setting is home. So when we reached our two year point I told everyone, now this is my home!! This book also tells how to use the lonelieness you feel inside to reach out to God. Use this time as his time. He brought you where you are and he will supply you with friends and take away the lonliness. But for now turn to him and take this opportunity to really grieve the loss of your old friends, church and house. turn to God, he's the great comforter.

Yvette  7/20/99 What a wonderful idea to honor the pastor's wife!!  I hope that you will be blessed.  You had asked about ideas for kids aged 8-18.  If you are energetic, you might want to do a backyard camp-out, depending on the type kids you have.  Other things we have done. . . a lock-in (all night).  For shorter activities, we have done swims at the local pool (with a life-guard), cook-outs in the park with football, volleyball, or other activities, game nights (uno, boggle, etc.) We have a pastor friend who has a coffee house, which is popular with older teens these days, and serves coffee, and pastries, with good Christian music.  They also have a movie night, for families, and show a good Christian, or value-oriented movie.  Since we are limited on funds, the last option is one that we haven't tried, since we have no projector.  We have found it to be a help to combine with other churches in our affiliation for youth retreats, since we do not have enough financially to pull it off by ourselves.  Hope this helps!!

Yvette  7/22/99 I have no great insights to share, but just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you, and I am praying for you.

Annie  7/29/99 You have much potential and a background that prepared you to serve God, perhaps in
unique ways.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  It is possible for women to make a god of their marriage, working night and day to "make it work."  Men usually see marriage much differently than women.  Take excellent, loving care of your husband and children.  Be sure to keep God Himself as the first love of your life.  It is possible to please God. Your weight:  After the baby comes, ask your doctor to help you with aworkable diet to take off those extra pounds.  If you don't have time to exercise, take brisk walks  -- even pushing a baby carriage or stroller.  If you don't do it now, you will just keep adding on pounds  until it becomes a real burden.  I know.  I'm working on the excesses of a few years now.  It would have been so much easier had I tackled the problem when it first started. Keep your mind and spirit growing in the Lord.  You can do these two things by reading good books and keeping up a strong relationship with the Lord in prayer and personal Bible study.  You may find keeping a spiritual journal helpful too.  A book
that is useful for this is How to Keep a Spiritual Journal by Ronald Klug (Augsburg).  Another way to keep growing is to find a good friend outside of your congregation.  To sum it all up.  Love and endeavor to please God above all else.  Take care of your husband, but remember he is not your god. Sometimes the love we yearn for does not come, so we have to learn to give it in full measure, not looking for anything in return.  Be a loving and careful mother to your children.  Concentrate on raising godly children.  Use the gifts and talents God has given to you to strengthen your own spirit and to bless those He brings into your life.  God is will you.  Take heart.

Yvette  7/20/99 It sounds like depression has really taken hold.  I am very prone to depression, and know that it can really reak havok in a life.  Maybe a trip to your family doctor would not be a bad idea.  In my own life, I try to find the source of the depression.  If there is not a spiritual problem, hidden sin, etc., or a problem with anger, your depression may be physical, and have a physical solution.  Minirith and Myer have some very good info that may help you, especially if you are in a winter climate (little
sunlight). Our own local library carries some of their books.  You may want to get some information on "Seasonal Affective Disorder", which affects people mostly in the winter and fall, but can carry over, if not treated.  Our bodies truly are fearfully and wonderfully made, and react sometimes negatively.  Whatever the source of your depression, please know that there is hope, that the Lord has not forgotten you, and is with you, even in the "miry clay" of depression.  Prayerfully ask the Lord what course of action He would have you take, to renew and heal you spiritually, as well as physically.  If you need a friend, feel free to e-mail me.

Brenn  7/19/99 I to am a very private and shy person. The one thing I needed to realize was that I needed to stop trying to fit into the role of "pastor's wife" and focus on being who God made me to be. It has taken me much time, but I have discovered that there are certain ministry areas that I work well in
and others that are disastorous for me to do; like leading a Bible Study or being in front of lots of people. My gifts are more in background type jobs. Things that don't carry a lot of prestige. I tend to research things for my hubby's sermons; I do tons of reading so he has begun to see and appreciate that I am a great resource person. I have done little things around the church that have needed to be done, but nobody will do; like organize a costume room. There is no reason that when you serve with you husband it has to be side by side all of the time doing exactly what he does. There have been times when I have gotten up front of a the church on a Sunday and talked. He asked me to deliver a short talk to women on how to be better wives. It was terrifying, but I survived and because people know that is not my thing, they actually listened and appreciated what I said. They knew if I would go out on a limb like that then it must be something important I was saying. As far as a close friend keep praying; God is faithful. He may provide a friend amoungst the older ladies. He has always given me whereever we are one dear lady who is like a mother to me. I don't totally confide everything to them, but they are an inspiration to me. If you would like someone just to talk with you may e-mail me and I'll always listen. That's another one of
my gifts!!

barely hanging in there  7/21/99  This website is already such a blessing.  I found it by accident the other night when I penned my last letter.  I had hit an all time low. I know the Lord led me here.  I anxiously waited for my letter to be posted, but no one answered.  I do believe that although no one has answered, some of you prayed for me.  The next day, I went through from page one and read the entries.  I printed the ones that held encouragement and help for me.  As I read, I realized I was not alone, that pastor's and their families all are going through those things.  That encouraged me.  I found spiritual help in some.  My spirits were lifted.  The very night I penned it I found that the person mentioned that had been our dearly loved friend had gone and sought out those that had left.  This added to my heartbreak, but the uplifted I received here prevented me from falling to the bottom.  I had hope and yes even joy.  Then the 2 that were causing trouble ask to meet with my husband.  I sat in a nearby room and heard swatches of the conversation.  There were such horrible lies and accusations, and the jest of all of it was so wicked and unbelievable.  Especially coming from such a beloved friend.  I prayed, I read the parts of this site I had ran off, applied some of the things I learned, got through it.  Tonight we had a Bible Study, and the small group was there, minus these people.  We had a visitor.  It was the most beautiful time of Bible Study, prayer, and praise.  After the visitor left, the small group of warriors expressed their concerns and some of the attacks they had experienced.  I was able to share things that had encouraged me from this site, and have a right attitude.  We studied, shared, and prayed until after midnight!  We ended in prayer.  We may be small, but God has a purpose for this church - He is in control and has allowed all this for a purpose - Satan was in control here for 15 years and he won't let go easy - he is attacking so strongly because we are doing what is right.  We had a mini revival.  We will love and pray for these loved ones, but God's will be done.  We are going on - facing our trials (every family in the church is experiencing severe attack) pray more, get closer to Him and do His work! In scripture God always started with one or a few to do His great works - Noah, the loaves and the fishes, the disciples, etc.  After very great disaster or battle a wonderful victory came - Jesus's death is an example of this.  I am so excited, overjoyed, and blessed.  This site was a springboard for this!  I did a lot of soul searching and sin confessing and God showed me much in my life that I needed to renew and cleanse.  There is too much here for God not to plan on doing a work!  I also called pastor care and the sweetest lady named Becky spoke with me.  Her sweet spirit ministered to me over the phone.   They are sending information, but I don't know that I need it now. Thank you, Thank you, Praise God!  from whom all Blessings flow!  Thank you for your prayers!  I can now sign my name - Mary.  P.S.  God gave me Psalms 41 for my heartache over a friend's betrayal.

PW4GOD  7/21/99 My heart and soul goes out to you, I have experienced some of what you are
talking about, and I know that it hurts terribly.  Sometimes it is hard to imagine that there are people in the church that can be so cruel, but the sad fact is that there are.  It seems that in our society people try to compete with one another.  Often to put the other person down, all the while lifting their own self up.  It happens within leadership also; it is a critical spirit.  One that can never be satified no matter what.  These same people if you examine thier lives, they are critical of everything and possibly their own family members.  The problem comes in when the 'critical' person has the infulence of many.  That is when destruction starts, instead of working as a team and praying for weakness', self rises up and say's "I can do better".  In my case I see how the Lord has allowed these things to take place, for at least me, to see how damaging this kind of spirit is to the body of Christ.  I know now, to 'tune' out such critical thinking.  Where as before I might have given into it.  I believed for awhile what people said, and then it turned and bit me and hard!  This is what I have done, consontrate on the ones that you have left, pray for them to be strong in the Lord.  The Lord, God will build the house, all you need to worry about is your own spirituality.  Don't allow yourself to become consumed with how the 'other' people are doing.  What ever happens with them, if the Lord is not truly in it, it won't produce the fruit.  Pray for them, there might be some that are just caught up in it all, and the devil is trying to destroy thier lives.  Even the ones that hurt us in ministry need prayer, especially if they are leading others into works of the flesh, like slander and such.  It is very sad and has far reaching implacations; however, the Lord so graciously allows whats in our hearts to come out.  Pray that the Lord will restore people to have the correct attitude to one another.  You will be amazed, what will happen when the Lord begins to show people what is truly in their hearts.  You might even get a call of an apology some day, like I did.  The Lord loves you, and you are in a special place, a place of leadership; and by your example you will teach others how to respond to 'critical' thinking.  I am sorry to hear about your children and your husbands friend, they need your prayers also.  It seems when it rains in pours, Our God's grace is sufficient.  Lord, help my sister through all of these trials, protect her mind, heart and soul and show her your genuine Love through it all.  Thank you sweet Jesus, in your mighty name, Amen.  Your husband is in need of love and support also, he probally never imagined all of this hitting him at one time.  If you are in any way able to take a sabbatical, there is a place that I know of for just that purpose.  I have listed it on this page somewhere probally in the middle.  I listed the tel. # and the names Barney and Karen Davis.  I will be in special pray this week for you and yours, love in christ...Blessings.

Mary  7/22/99 Thank you for your loving letter. It was just what I needed.  I turned the computor on after church and found it.  I copied it, read it twice and cried.  You were a great comfort.I penned by letter
of hope and joy last night and I should have known Satan would attack.  I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride.  My #2 child has done a major turn around for God and for this I am truly thankful.  And know God is still at work, beacause with our few number we have had some saved, a new one want to join, and a young man surrender to the ministry.  At Wednesday night service we found out that yet another babe in Christ has fallen to them. Right now we have only 4 faithful families and out of that, only 5 adults other than ourselves to stand.  We also found out our "friend" has been talking with all the trouble makers to get the true story.  She was one of the few we truly trusted and confided in.  She knows a great deal of
personal things about our family and about the battle we just went through. I feel like a fool for trusting her and feel guilty for it.  She is very confused and twisting many things.  We found out she is telling everyone my husband is a liar, deciever and underhanded.  The rumor is also been spread that we excluded people we did not.  Her teen has decided to stay and build with us and is heartbroken.  We have another young adult and their 2 younger siblings whose parents were drawn in decide to stay.  Pray for these kids as they receive a great deal of abuse but are being true to God.  Their home lives are horrible.  This lady and the other one involved now, drained us constantly and hogged so much of our time needing some type of "help".  What you said about a critical spirit with family and others, and not ever being satisfied is so true.  I am praying for them as the 1st group that left were truly knowing and desiring to destroy my husbands ministry, our family and the church.  These I believe "know not wha!
t they do."  Thank you for your encouragement, help and prayers.  I will read your letter over and over and purpose to take your advice as I can see it is of the Lord.  I hate being on such a roller coaster of emotions and feel like a bad weak Christian for it.  I know all we have to do is out last SAtan.  We have seen many victories of his workers moving on although they have taken so many.  It has been almost 6 years, I pray the end is near and we can grow and work as the Lord meant.  I told my husband, our town has 15,000 - 20,000 people and here I focus on 10 or 12 and think they can keep our church from growing.  Now that is satan.  I covet your prayers.  May God bless you for you help.

Yvette  7/22/99 God is so good!!  Rejoicing that the Lord has been your strong tower, the lifter of your head.  He truly is awesome.

concerned  7/23/99 There have been times that I look around the church and wonder if these people are Christians I would hate to see how a Non-Christian would act. It seems to me that what people say and believe are many times different as night and day.  BUT, that does not change the fact that you and I and every Christian under attack have a promise from God signed with his Son's redeeming Blood.  That promise, is that we win.  We are those people who are Children of the King.  Those who go around causing disention and wreaking havoc will have to answer to a just God. They will have to explain why they willfully ran people away from the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I would not want to be in their shoes.  You know what I mean?  Next, Phillipians tells us we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.  You probably already knew that howevere.  But do you really take it to heart?  I don't ask to discourage you at all but rather to help you remember that Jesus asked us to "Cast all of our burdens on Him"  and when the going gets tough sometimes it easy to stop looking upward to Jesus Christ and downward to our inward self strength.  Keep your eyes on the Lord.  Satan is already defeated in the end and he is going to make life as miserable as possible while he can. Finally,  Pray for you enemies and by doing so heap coals of fire on their head.  Vegence is mine, thus says the LORD.  As hard as it is pray for those who are causing the contention.  I would suggest that you pray that the Holy Spirit would be able to penetrate their sin hardened heart and bring them to a right standing relationship with Jesus Christ.  Praying for your enemies also has a way of removing any anger or hatred you may be harboring towards them.  I will join you in that prayer.  Blessings on you and you Husband.  Remember God Loves YOU!!!!!!!!

Mary  7/24/99 Thank you once again for your prayers and loving responses.  I do pray for these people, and still love them but I do not like their ways.  If they hurt others as they do, oh how they must hurt themselves.  I too have been concerned about their salvation.  Only God knows for sure, but there are no fruits.  I appreciate this board being here to allow me to share and unload with so many who truly understand.  I check it daily.  When attacks hit, many times all we know goes out the window durng that
first part of shock and pain.  I know the Lord is helping me grow, and making me stronger,, because the pain and panic are less and less each time we face these things.  I guess it is a spiritual workout but instead of just the gym, we are going cross country!  I also know God is in control.  One thing a PW shared that her husband said that really helped was that God knows what is best - who comes, who goes, even who attacks, He is control.  God always sends help when we face these things be it thru people, books, sermons, or web sites such times. I know none of us can grow weary in serving.  Though difficult the calling of a pastor's wife is one of great honor in God's service.  Love and prayers to each of you

Ecyla  7/28/99 I am praying for you.  Your story touched my heart.  Keep on praying and holding on and I will be praying for you.

Iowa Lynn 7/28/99  Hi!  So sorry to hear of all your difficulties.  Sounds like the old devil is wanting to beat y'all up 'til you're all bruised & bleeding.  Sometimes we can be in such an intense state of hurt that we can't see clearly..... THIS IS NOT THE BEST TIME TO MAKE MAJOR DECISIONS! It's kind of like a child hurt by some of her friends..... In the midst of her pain she may make a statement like, "I'm NEVER going to talk to Marianna again!"  The sting of the situation makes it impossible to make a WISE judgment call.  Maybe after a few days the sting doesn't hurt so bad..... and then she is able to see that Marianna had a rough day. It sounds like it has been a LOOOOONG trial for you and your husband.  Those LOOOONG trials have ways of wearing us down and causing us to "grow weary in the work of love."  Is there anyway you and your husband can take a couple weeks off and go somewhere and talk about "where do we go from here?"  To leave the ministry is one thing, but to end a marriage is quite another all together..... Go slow.... Stay close to JESUS.... He's the only one that has the WORDS & GRACE to get you through.... Let me know how you are doing.  You will be in my thoughts & Prayers.....

Ruthy  8/6/99 Dear Amilly and the other women who shared similar concerns: my heart goes out to you. People have been conditioned to believe that the church is first, and that the family is on the backburner. God instituted the family and commands that all of it's members be lovingly cared for. The problem is that people need to be taught the truth according to His Word.  There is more teaching going forth along these lines today.  I Timothy 3:5, I Timothy 5:8, and I Corinthians 7:3  My husband and I have been in the ministry for about 20 years, and nearly burned out because of our love and concern for people and faithful committment without wisdom. The same people who demanded my husbands total committment to the church were the same one's who accused him of not being responsible for his family when things went wrong because he spent most of his time working in the ministry. My whole experience has been up and down in the areas of loneliness, depressed moments, joyful times, and periods of attack. The Lord helped me through them as I learned to trust in His Words applying them in every aspect of my life including my relationship with my husband. It works!  An unfruitful ministry is a clear indicator that something is wrong or out of sort. Take heed or you will be sorry later. You must seek the Lord in prayer about this and communicate your feelings to your husband.  Helpful Hints: For wisdom, the book of Proverbs. Read, study, and meditate on a chapter a day.  Allow your husband to be your Pastor, spouse, friend, and loving father in and away from your home and in all reverence. Pastoral ministry requires self-sacrifice there's no way around it. But it works best when you can be flexible and surround yourself with a number of balanced folks who are in ministry as well. They are the only ones who trully understand. It doesn't always balance, but you can be happy as a family and weather the seasons of life together in the Lord.  God Bless You All! 

mary  8/7/99 It is as natural as sin is because it is sin.  The women that usually chase the pastor are lonely, hurting, sometimes in a bad marriage, and sometimes single.  They see the pastor as a quick fix.Especially a godly and kind pastor will seem to be the answer to all their needs.  My husband and decided when his ministry began 12 years ago, that if possible I would talk to the womena and help them under his guidance.  If they needed more help, then I would seek his advice or uif necessary that they speak with him I would be present.  One lady became very angry and questioned him.  He simply told her in a kind way, it cast no reflection upon her, but that was his policy concerning counseling women.
If she was uncomfortable, that was fine, and he would refer her to someone else that might be able to help her.  She has been the only one.  With it this way, 99% of the time the women come to me or thru me.  It is a heavier load for me, but helps protect my husband.  It has worked out good for us.  Also with the wife involved and the husband expressing his desire for this to be so, he is not as easily accessable to women who have wrong desires. The only ones he has made an exception with is the elderly ladies.  Hope this help.  My prayer is sent your way.

lolly  8/10/99 Thank you mary for your answer, it seems to me that you and your husband has a good understanding oabut this matter. Wisdom and prudence is what you portrai in your words, because it is true that we cannot underestimate the power of the flesh and the enemie.  my husband  feels that he should be trusted to speak to a ladie alone, and he believes that some women does not want to speak to a woman, or in the presence of others if the subject is confidencial, but I suppose it boils down to "being one" and acting as one together in this ministrry. This has been my greatest battle in the ministry, but I pray a lot that the Lord will minister to my husbad's heart, because  he will not listen to me anyway.  if there is anyone else out there with experiences to share in the area of women runing after the Pastor please share some insight with me!!!

Annie  8/11/99 I've been where you are.  There is really nothing you can do about your husband's attitude.  You do need to pray that God will protect him and his ministry, and you must do everything in your power to protect too.  Your husband has to be the one to decide to be cautious.  I have cried and prayed with pastors' wives whose husband said they just wanted to "help" the poor woman.  It became much more than that. The big item, as I see it, is that you must remain at peace with God and with the situation over which you have no control.  My one big regret is that I became a "fish wife" in my attempt to make my husband see how much he was hurting and humiliating me by his actions.  It did no good, and I allowed myself to become a miserable, unhappy person. I was a person who reacted instead of being proactive.  Keep your eyes on Jesus and give Him first place in your heart.  One pastor I know of placed a woman on his church staff.  It was her responsibility to work with all the women who came for help.  His reason:  most of the people who come for counseling are women, so we should have a woman working with them.  I don't know if this helps you at all.  Do remember to keep your own heart and spirit
beautiful and at peace with God.  He has the power to change situations.  Until the situation changes, His grace can see you through.  Keep praying for protection for your husband and for his ministry.  When a man falls, the whole church suffers.

Iowa Lynne  8/10/99 Jacqui,  WOW - sounds like you have been through a lot in just a short amount of time.  Rest assured you have a band of women out here who love you and are praying for you.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  I know when I have been through some really tough trials, the Lord seems to have me live in the PSALMS for strength & encouragement.  I trust you will feel our faith & prayers for you.

Pat  8/11/99 My dear sister in Christ…Psalms 30:5 says… "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning".  Also, be encouraged that you will not lose your mind for "He has not given you a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind." (2 Tim 1:7)  I was greatly moved my your note but it left me with many questions.  You said your husband felt he could not work for a beer company and pastor a church.  Is he working somewhere else now?  Are you working or are you both in full-time ministry?  You don’t mention children…are there any and if so are they at home or adults?   Was the decision to accept the pastorate a mutual one or was it solely your husband’s decision?  Does he know how you are feeling? It is difficult to help without all the facts.  Based on what you’ve written, however, it seems that in the last four years, you have had some major life changes.  The loss of your mother and father-in-law in the same year must have been a tremendous blow coupled with the other financial battles you have endured.   I would be a hypocrite if I said I know how you feel.  I’ve never been homeless, nor have I lost my parents.  It would be easy to say the income, the house and the car don’t mean anything because they most certainly do.  I don’t know why God allowed this to happen.  What I  DO know is that God is faithful, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of our losses, regardless of our disappointments.  He is still faithful.    He did not bring you this far to leave you, even though it may feel like He’s not there.   You said you and your husband lost almost everything except each other.  That tells me something about YOU!.  Many women would have packed their bags and hit the road under less stress than you’ve endured.  That tells me you are a woman of  "noble character" (see Proverbs 31).  There is no way you could have endured unless you had a deep abiding faith in the Lord and true love for your husband.  I encourage you to continue sharing your heart on this support board, and if there is someone close who can give you wise Godly counsel, please share with them.  Also, if you haven’t shared this with your husband, he needs to know where your heart is.  He’s your pastor too!  There is light at the end of a dark tunnel Jacqui…you have many sisters praying for you even now.  "Dear God, encourage my sister’s heart, remind her often that You are the faithful God who keeps His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commands. (Deut 7:9)  Lord I pray that Jacqui will seek your face daily and know that no temptation has seized her except what is common to man. And that You are faithful and will not let her be tempted beyond what she can bear" (1 Cor 10:13).  Keep us posted and be encouraged.

emailme  8/12/99 dear chickenpen...I would love to have a friendship through email.  Like you, I am a pastor's wife and long for friendship.  I am going to email Rockdove and see if they can email you with my address!  Hope to hear from you, emailfriend.

Brenn  8/14/99 I would love to start an e-mail friendship with you. They are wonderful.  How nice to be able to connect with someone who has so much in common with you. People generally don't understand the llife of a couple in the ministry. I will be on vacation for two weeks starting on the 19th, but we could sure talk befor then.

Becky  8/16/99 I would love for some of us to hook up together,although my e-mail server does weard stuff sometimes.Hope you are doing great! i have been so blessed and encouraged by this group of women and the letters I have read.They all strike a nerve.Even if I can't relate,I can understand and pray for my kindred sisters.

Iowa Lynne  8/15/99 Becky, I loved your post!  Sounds like God is making you a vessel of honor for God & also a seasoned saint!  Keep your eyes on JESUS & your hand on the plow!  Love ya!

Sue  8/19/99 Becky --this may be purely coincidental --but your testimony of pioneering a church 4 years ago --etc --sounds like a couple we know who also pioneered a church a few years ago too in the Utah area???  Are you the same couple??

Becky  8/22/99 The answer to your question is no.We are in the Spokane Washington area.

Becky  8/18/99 Boy,your story is truly heartbreaking.Your husband and your marriage,and family desperatly need HELP!!There should be someone that he should be accountable to. Someone in the church needs to know.He should not continue to be able to get away with this behavior.It is SIN!!!It needs to be someone that you can trust not to tell a soul.Tell your husband (without threatining)that it has gone on to long and will he please get some help? God does not want you to live like this.Our husbands should love,support, and encourage us till the day we die.May I say that it would be worth the loss of losing your church to heal your marriage.It really would be.Your husbands family comes before the church family!And you know what?Jesus said,"the TRUTH will set you free".He didn't say it would always be easy.Your husband is obvisouly NOT free,and nither are you free from emotional pain.Pray that this would all come to a head and your husbands heart would soften to deal with all of it .I pray for COMPLETE healing for your family.God is going to do something for you!

Sue  8/26/99 We've been in similar situations lately with people who verbally said they were with us, loved us, etc. etc. and up and leave the church over an offense.  The offense is either "caused" by us --of course no one tells us what we di.  Or people are just not able to handle my husband's role as Sr. Pastor after his brother's death (he was the 1st Sr. Pastor) or people get mad at one another.   I've only been a "Pastor's wife" 2 years --not that t I have a wealth of wisdom or anything --but what I do have is this:  The Lord keeps giving us peace that goes beyond comprehension in releasing these families who leave.  He brings in others to defend us so we don't have to defend ouselves.  We have aa support base of people outside our church to lift us up in prayer.  They are not even all in our town, much less our church!  This has been helpful  to us.  Before the car accident that claimed my husband's brother and family, my
sister-in-law and I attended a Pastor's wife retreat.  During that time we discussed all the stuff going on at the church with people, etc.  I asked how she handled it.  She just said she was advised by a PW of 30 years to limit close frienships inside the church.  Or have have close friendshps outside the church.  It there are friends in the church --try to make sure you are on the same "leadership level" --like Pastor's wife and Elder's wife.  Anyway --I hope this helps and let's all pray for one another.

Andrea  8/29/99 Sarah - My husband and I have been in ministry for 7 years and I have been working
as the youth director for 2 1/2 of those years. My brother has also been in youth ministry for about 25 years and I just recently asked his advice on the matter The bottom line is, ANYONE can paint ball, canoe or ride roller coasters...most of these kids need someone that they can go to and trust.  Just love them for who they are and be available if they need advice or just a shoulder to cry on...  they'll wish you could be there for the other activities but they won't love you any less if you can't.   Before you know it, your children will be teens themselves and you'll wonder where the time went.  Support your husband and be "real" to the youth and God will work out the rest.  God Bless.

Iowa Lynne  9/2/99 I would NEVER trade being a servant of the KING for any other position in this life.  It has been an honor to serve HIM.  It has been VERY exciting to be a part of HIS KINGDOM.  HE always has precious surprises....  HE is always teaching important truths.   Even in the midst of severe trial.... JESUS is there to comfort.  There are so many lessons to be learned.  HE has a "lesson plan" designed personally for each pastor's wife.  It is so true that HIS mercies are new every morning.  HIS compassions fail not!  I'm sure HE has a beautiful life & ministry for you and your dear husband.  Don't lose your enthusiasm or sense of humor.  Stay close to the SHEPHERD.... He takes such good care of HIS little lambs.  We have been at our present church for over 18 years.  We've had times of plowing hard, dry ground & we've had times of reaping beautiful ripe fruit. I've NEVER seen the righteous forsaken nor HIS seed begging for bread.... HE has NEVER failed to move in HIS own time and HIS own way.  May your ministry be blessed beyond measure!

FirstLadyB  9/3/99 I would love to tell of the Goodness of Jesus and all that he had done for me since I became a Pastor's Wife.  I must admit that it has not always been easy, but the grace of God has always been present. I have read most of the post and prayed for those that are going throught trials and tribulation.  Remember that God does not give a vision without making provision.  My husband left his secular job to go into fulltime ministry and we have been blessed from day one. Now we live on God's word that he is our provider.  We have not one time been without, being on a faith income for almost 2 1/2 years and God has not failed and always showed up and showed out.  Remember to "To Whom Much Is Given, Much Is Required".  Yes ministry is 7 days a week and 24 hours a days.  Yes we have had to make sacrafices, but God had done so many miracles in the ministry.  Just remember to feed yourself, sometimes we minister so much to others that we forget about our needs.  Find the quite times with your husband and family, designate a day for them (ours is Mondays) give your family little gifts from Jesus to keep reminding them how special they are for we are the chosen ones (many are called but few are chosen).  I could go on and on but I want you to be encouraged in the ministry God has given you.  Don't be afraid of making mistakes we are not perfect.  Love Your Husband< Love Your Husband treat him like the King that he his, Your marriage becomes an example to all those in the ministry if they see you doing something they feel it is okay. Talk to the women about submission in the Lord many don't have a clue what that means.  Just remember no matter how old or young you are you will be the Mother to all of the people in your ministry.  They need to be loved and nutured just like your children. Remember to talk to the Lord for he has all the answers to every question and need in your life.  Okay do I sound Like I am enjoying myself well I love Jesus and no matter what it takes I must do it because of what he did for me way back on Calvary.  You said that you always knew that you would be called to the ministry well praise God. Let him use you for the body of Christ and pray and seek God in all things that you do.  Thank God that you know your gifts and ready and willing to bless the people of God with them.  Go in Peace and do the work of the Lord. I Love You, and God Bless You and Your Husband Pastor in Jesus Name Amen.

Miss D  9/3/99 AMEN! Thanks so much for your words of encouragement! I do feel so honored to have been chosen for this ministry. I know I need to pray that the enemy would not be able to use fear to rob me of my joy. God bless you all.

Beverly  9/5/99 Yes we all have our share of horror stories. But oh the blessings! We have been in the ministry for 10 years. Half of those in the Sr. Pastorate. All our churches have been small. But size makes no difference. Let's count the blessings.... 1) I've been a stay-at-home Mom. Most moms have to work other jobs. I never had. Set Priorities, money or my kids? Which is most importatnt. 2) I've been stretched in areas I didn't think I could do. (lead ladies meetings, teach Bible studies, play the piano for services).3)I've been given practically a new wardrobe from a lady at church. ( now this doesn't happen in every church, but you are given a lot when in the ministry. Small churches tend to do this more. NEver expect it or feel you must give in return. A sincere thank you note and/or a hug does fine!) 4)Leading people to Christ. 5)Encouraging someone with a simple word. You never know how it may touch someone. 6) Finanially you receive gifts. My husband received $350 at his birthday. He was able to pay for additional seminary classes and a bike ( for exercise). The Church was thrilled to be a part of that.  7)I love to open my home. We have missionaries stay with us. Our children get to meet alot of people. It's something they will remember for years. These are just a few.   A tips:  What helps to keep everything in
perspective is knowing your are a normal person w/ problems, trials and hurts just like them. Share how God is teaching you. Lessons you've learned. Be down to earth and approachable. Don't put on airs. No one likes a fake. BE YOURSELF! God has made you who you are and wants to use that person, not someone you think you should be.You can't please everyone all the time. If you are somethings wrong...with you! PLEASE GOD!! He's the only one that matters. ( and your husband & children too) In time you will have "horror" stories to. Sinners sin and in the ministry you deal with a lot of them. Use them as growing times, change areas in your life that need it and move on. Don't become bitter or hold
grudges. And you will have more blessings from it! God Bless You!!

Lisa  9/8/99 I was wondering if any of you pastor's wives would like to be my email friend. I am 31 with two preschool children. I am the only woman in our small church with preschoolers and am very lonely. We live in a small town and I have found it difficult making friends here around my age.  Ask Rock Dove for my email address if you are interested.

Aeleis  9/14/99 It has been about the same time here in this sickly church for us  --  I know what I have been through and I would think the sickness wears you down even more. The stress level is way up there.  I did take a couple of weeks off from going because I just wasn't handling it.  Find your soilitude somewhere.  I don't know if it helps to know yours isn't the only badly behaving church.  We actually havea  lot of nice folks in the church .  It is people in prominent positions that are the problem.  The history of this church isn't too cheerful for past pastors.  I am not sure what will happen to us but the only thing thatkeeps me going is knowing that God has a perfect plan for us.  If ever there was a song written for pastors and pastors wives I think it is "He Who Has Begun A Good Work In YOu".  Make sure you find it with the verses.  Anyway the verse ends with we are his treasure / and of course the whole jist of the song is that he will finish the good work.  It is just that maybe my idea of what that good work is n't His. I find comfort in song like that. 

Aeleis  9/14/99 It really does help me to steam off in a journal.  I get it all out of my system, especially the feeling part (kind of like DAvid) and then talk to the Lord about it.  It sounds silly but it makes a big
difference--give it a try and see if it works for you.  I also read a lot of articles in my husband's ministry magazines -- like "Leadership" and "Discipleship Journal"--there are some helps in dealing with different
issues.  Things on line to are helpful.  ANd then having a bunch of PW's who understand is a major help too.

Becky  9/16/99 I feel your pain!My husband and I moved 3000miles away from home four years ago to start a church.It has been the most awesome and hard experince of our lives,no doubt.We are at 200 regular people every week.We just had a mission team come up here and we knocked on 900 doors and shared the gospel over 300 times with people.God is at work,but satan is always there too.There is a lady who has been a thorn in my FLESH.And boy do I need God's help and grace to love her.She is jealous,loves strife,and gossip,and seeks to do me in.I know for a fact God has put her in my life to be my Holy"Sandpaper".To smooth out my rough edges.I also know if I run from her He will send me two more just like her!You know, our flesh wants to be right ,and we want to defend ourselves.And,in some cases it is necessary to make it CLEAR,but then leave it at that.If someone has a problem with me,and they come to me about it,then that is fine.However when they try to make strife and stir up all kinds of stuff that's not true I think we have a right to confront,in love.It has to be the right time,and it has to be prayed about.We have to give room for these people to grow ,but we also have to love them.And to be honest,my flesh does not want too.That is where the POWER of the HolySpirit comes in.You walk in love and truth.God will bless.Make sure your heart is right.I love you sister in Christ!!You go girl~

Shilo  10/2/99 Im Shilo. I wrote a paragraph asking for advice on 9-16-99. It says unsigned well Im a litlle disapointed that noone has got any advice.  Please Im sure that someone out there has had this problem. This is a problem I have no one else who would understand like a pw should understand. Please anybody tell me what you think!! Thank you very much.

Iowa Lynne  10/8/99 Moves in the ministry can disrupt the family --- There's no doubt about it, but it can also be a real "growing" experience for the  entire family.  Since this will affect your whole family, you need to have much discussion about it.  Encourage your daughters imput.  Speak of the move in a positive way.  Talk with the new church board and see if there are any girls your daugher's ages.  Maybe they could meet and make some new friends.  I tell my children, "MAKE NEW FRIENDS BUT KEEP THE OLD, ONE IS SILVER & THE OTHER GOLD!"  Our prayers are with you & your two precious
daughers!

Karen  9/17/99  I am not a pastor's wife but I was married to a man in leadership who fell into pornography. My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you.  Our dear Lord knows all about your situation and I pray you will feel comforted and protected in His loving arms. I pray He will give you the
compassion, the wisdom, and the boldness to lovingly confront your husband. God is so faithful and did all of the above and much, much more in my life. He has enabled me to do things I never would have thought possible. I pray too that God would provide a man in your husband's life to pray with him and for him, and to whom he can safely confide and be held accountable. You may feel so very alone right now but know that you are not. Feel free to email me if I can help.

Chris  10/23/99 My husband is a pastor and has had problems with pornography. It was a very difficult for me. I felt ugly and like it was because I wasn't pretty enough. I was angry and bitter for some time. but I did some reading on this subject and realized this is a serious problem and that instead of my anger my husband needed my support and prayers to get through this. Something like this could ruin his ministry.
He has been doing really good for 6 months know. It just took some time for him to realize how serious the problem was. I would love to talk with you more about this. Feel free to e-mail me. It helps to have someone for you to talk to as you work through this.

Andrea  9/23/99 Sue, I just came from 2 1/2 years of the exact same problem.  My husband was the pastor and I was the youth leader.  It's a really tough decision to make but you have to remember that you have a responsibility to those youth that want to learn and have a relationship with God.  You will have to get to the place that you do not allow the rude, disruptive kids to come to activities...we even had to ask a couple of youth to not come back to the church unless their attitude changed.  We let them
know that they are loved and more than welcome back WHEN they decide to abide by the rules set.
God was so faithful to bless the group when we stood firm.  God Bless.

Sue  9/24/99 Thanks Andrea for the advice!  That seems to be answer we've received from other veteran youth pastors here locally as well.    One man suggestted the ones who want to cause trouble sit out of youth for about 4 weeks till they decided to copperate.  Thye also stressed communication with the parents.  This foster parents unfortunately views youth group as "day care" so to speak --but I feel that is going to change.  Keep us all in your prayers!

Becky  9/30/99 Congradulations for you and your husband.When I read your letter I giggled a little.You sound like such a sweetheart!But you sound a little "concerned"about your personality. Well, don't be.If you are a little shy,that's O.k.  God wants you to be exactly who you are.Now, there maybe some women you come across in the church that think you should be different.Or, maybe that is just something you sterotype in your head.Im talking about how a pastors wife should be.There are some that are outgoing,some love to lead,and some not.Be the person God created you to be.It's always good for uw to be challenged and try new things,but if it doesn't feel right then I take that as  the Holy Spirit speaking not to do it.Love,respect,pray for your husband,and believe me ,that will speak louder than words!God bless you very much as you serve a wonderful,powerful,living savior!

Iowa Lynne  10/4/99 Fiffie, I would be honored to be your friend.

Becky  10/5/99 To Iowa Lynne: You are so sweet!I need your compassionate heart and love for people.

Jo-anne  10/8/99 I have it all the time, I don't really know what to say, byt one thing is a fact, the women love my husband/pastor.  i have learnet to live with it and trust God. But I must confess that it is very difficult, and I agree with you it should be discused more openly

Merry  10/8/99 Thank you!!! I am really speaking with the most sincerity.  I need help, I am reaching out for somebody to help me. I am trying to pray and if seems I can get no response for my sisters in Christ.  I am sure as PAstor's wives we rae faced by it at some time or another. If we would be honest.  It may be my turn today but who knows what tommorow may bring.  I just need someone to say  they undertand and can give me some wholesome advice or encouraging words.  My heart even aches as I write this memo.  It falls almost to the floor.  This makes a woman feel inadequate.  Shoud I leave? Should I confront this woman?  Or should I have an affair to let him feel the  humiliation I feel.  I know evil for evil is not the way, I am just angry!!!!!!!  Please give me some encouraging words

jo-anne  10/8/99 Oh my dear, may the lord God of Israel, of Jacob, or Abraham, the living God, have mercy on you today!!!  What can I say? you so hurt, humiliated and feels like it is the end. But I love the fact that even though it is difficult, you made achoice to stay a godly woman. Yes, your emotions are much alive, and all the evil that you feel like doing is normal responses to such a terrible situation. My words meannothing, becouse your pain is greater than anything else at the moment, even God seems so far away right now.  My dear, please don't do anything that yoiu will be sorry later, do not follow your husbands footsteps, try, to focus on the Lord as much as possible, and pray, pray, and pour out your heart in secret before the Lord. HE is alive, He sees and hears evrything!!! and He will bring the due
judgemnet upon those people, Don't you do it,the Lord says revenge belongs to Him!  The Word says in Proverbs, that a foolish woman breaks her house down with her own hands, don't be wise, let him do it if he want to but you be faithful to your first love, the One who will not allowed you to stay in shame, but will lift you up and comfort you.  satan is waiting for you to do something that willl give him a foothold. Do not give Satan anything, please!!!  Even though God seems far, He is with you all the time.  Now it is not a time for why!!!! but for humbling yourself before God and see how He will come through to you.  Believe me, I speask from experience, besdie the fact that the women love my husband.... never mind, I know excalty what you are experiencing, and I know it feels like you will loose your mind, You won't becaouse God is the One who is sustaing you.

Iowa Lynne  10/8/99 Merry, I was very saddene